The World of Lamont, Washington

After Recent Blockbuster Success, Hollywood Considers Lamont-Based Movie Extravaganza

2011-12-23T19:37:00.000-08:00

Given the success at the box office of the latest in a long line of Hollywood films that involve the modern world being torn asunder by a bunch of hairy, stinky, ignorant, hygiene-adverse barbarian-like miscreants whose only goal is to reduce everything they touch to some primitive ‘lowest common denominator’ where they can at last feel at home and ‘safe’ amid the chaos and rubble of the once well-ordered modern world, the creative types in Hollywood have set their tentative sights on capturing a potentially even more horrifying concept on film, a future world run by the Snopes farmer/rancher clan in the 2nd smallest town in the Great State of Washington.

“Well, it is easy for our viewers to suspend belief with all those fancy special effects and given the fact that the protagonists are in fact just apes and all, but if they really got a glimpse into what could be right around the corner, a world run by 8th grade drop-outs and criminals and people who fight against flush toilets and using fire hydrants to put out fires – well, that is liable to scare them right out of their socks!” said Biff Finklestein, a Hollywood big shot. “Sure, we can all laugh off some decidedly implausible inter-species feud based sometime in the future, but what do you do when faced with a very real abomination lurking right under the surface of society in rural America – at least in Lamont, anyway! That puts a whole new complexion on the classic “Evil semi-sub-human mischief-makers want to destroy the world” theme that, quite frankly, we in the Hollywood community have pretty much beaten into the ground with greed driven gusto” he waxed poetically while also talking on his cell phone to some person he called 'babe' and 'doll' about 200 times. (We think it was a dude, too!!) “Sure, there is a lot of overlap between the two protagonists – both groups, the apes and the Snopes, tend to be angry, crude, dirty, largely uneducated and desire to smash every vestige of modern civilization that they did nothing to build, but to be fair to the apes, there is no evidence that they are against libraries, flush toilets, pavement, clean water or using fire hydrants in case of a fire. We have to be fair here. So, on some level, should this concept ever get off the ground, you can rest assured that this will be a horror classic that will have innocent citizens fleeing the theaters in blind terror and weeping in the aisles at the crushing nightmarishness of the thing. We will all long to be ruled by the apes after we get a small taste of living under the Snopes, let me tell you!” he said gleefully, rubbing his hands at the prospect of scaring the living daylights out of the movie going public across the globe.

(Editorial Note: We at the Lamont Blog would like to apologize to the entire global ape/monkey community for any unfair comparisons or aspersions that were inadvertently cast by this article. At the Lamont Blog, we just report the news, we do not make it, and any harm, whether real or imagined, is unintended and thus regretted. Thank you!)

Local Grandmother Less Than Appreciative Of Being Casually Referred To As “A Saucy Little Vixen”

2011-12-16T08:56:00.000-08:00

In one of those Lamont things that leaves an even somewhat normal person just staring at the nearest wall in dumb stupefaction, an area woman, Gertrude Snopes, 72, an area grandmother, made sure that she told every person that she knew and well over three dozen that she didn’t that she does not appreciate being referred to by a ‘nom de guerre’ historically used in polite society for a much younger woman (in the 17th or 18th centuries!!), insiders report. “Well, that just won’t do!” said the demonstrative Gertrude to some poor car of Idahoans just passing thru after getting lost and unfortunately ending up in Lamont. (Whoa! Talk about the makings of a horror classic!) “Being a woman in my early 50’s, one cannot but help to attract the unwanted passions of the male gender, I guess” said the woman who looks a far sight closer to octogenarian status than the long distant and decidedly tarnished 6th decade of life. “Those days of turning heads and causing minor traffic jams when walking down the street are, for me, in the waning hours, and to be thrust back into the tumult of unwanted male passions is just not appropriate for this stage of my life” said the delusional woman who once did cause a traffic jam, but that was because she chased her first husband (of three!) into the street with a rolling pin during a 4th of July parade because he wanted a “little kiss” to celebrate our nation’s birthday – an endeavor that she would have none of, of course. “Oh, it is such a burden being of the fairer sex. One can cause such a commotion just by being one’s own self! I am pleased that the bloom is not quite off this rose, however. But then again, I always had it in such abundance” she giggled insanely to herself. (Thankfully the Idaho family had the sense to speed away at her somewhat menacing and determined approach!)

When asked for comment, the outrageous cad who supposedly uttered the offending expression, Jethro Bodine, 62, although obviously intoxicated at 10:30 in the morning, denied that he ever said such a thing, particularly about “That bitter old battle axe of a woman”, but instead claimed that he was in fact referring to the town of Lamont when he uttered the slurred words “ain’t worth fixin’”. No charges were pressed in the matter, but the Sheriff’s deputy called to the scene did vow to try to get another job in another county that does not border on the one Lamont is in.

Town of Lamont Wisely Changes Name To Reduce Potential For Spelling Errors

2011-11-29T09:52:00.000-08:00

The Town of Lamont, a humble, unassuming, decidedly educationally challenged hamlet nestled up against the icy, unforgiving bosom of the Jurassic Park-like Scablands in the otherwise beautiful and fruitful Palouse region of Eastern Washington, has decided to adapt to the harsh taskmaster known by the name “Reality” and address a long-standing problem related to the general education level of the area citizenry – a chronic and pervasive inability to spell, do math, comprehend history, embrace the modern era and basically adapt to the Industrial Age, insiders report.

“Well, let’s be honest here, we have a local School System run by ranchers at the School Board level, and any dern fool knows that in these parts, the dumbest son inherits the ranch, so you don’t have to be some genius to realize that after a very few generations of bad decision-making that the whole educational arrangement would go to hell in a hand basket…” said Clem Festoon, an area rancher and obviously a man who knows of what he speaks, given that he inherited his daddy’s ranch in 1996 after all the smart brothers moved away. “Anyway, after we got done educating (pronounced ‘Ed-U-Cait-In”) them little rascals, we realized that not a one of them could spell worth a dern– and that led to them not even being able to tell folks like the police or whoever where they lived when they get arrested 8-10 times a year, (whoa, that seems a tad light!) not if they had to write it on a police report, anyway. It was just a mess. Sure, Lamont has a whole bunch of letters in it, so it only made sense to tighten the thing up a bit to cut down on those all too frequent mistakes that made the American education (pronounced “Ed-U-Cay-Sion” Whoa!) system look bad, that’s all!” he rambled on, looking like an old Billy-goat chewing on a hornet or something. “So we all got together and decided to jettison one of them dern letters and to see if that solved the problem. We were going to get rid of 4 of them, but some smarty-pants pointed out that there is some town somewhere called “LA”, so we figured we’d start off small and modest, as is our nature” he said expansively.

“Well, statistically speaking, by Lamont discarding just one of the letters in their name, that reduces the chance of a spelling error by a whopping 16.67%. That may not seem like a huge percentage, but 16.67% is 16.67%, any way you slice it.” said Dr. Winston Finklemeyer, an area mathematician and the guy who helps the area ranchers count their cows when it is ‘cow counting time”. “So, anyway, this may seem like a quite unnecessary gesture by an educationally challenged town, but changing the town name from “Lamont” to “Lamon” can only reap dividends in the long term, especially since the farmers and ranchers on the school board spend a vast majority of available discretionary funds on sports as opposed to the “3 R’s” (Reading, writing and ‘ranching’?)” he said, putting his handy solar powered calculator back in his plastic pocket protector with the little atom logo on it. (Atom as in atomic – not Eve’s husband from the bible or whatever!)

Thanksgiving Miracle: Entire Day Passes Without Single Reported Incident Of Parrot-Related Mischief Or Holiday Destroying Shenanigans

2011-11-26T10:02:00.000-08:00

In the first reported reprieve of its kind since the thankful Noah and his beleaguered brood quite gleefully and with much relief and thanksgiving released those paragons of avian troublemaking – the parrots – from the Ark after the Lord destroyed most of mankind for its unrepentant wickedness (Editorial Note: Why didn’t Noah release a parrot instead of a dove and that other bird (whatever it was!) to see if there was dry land? Did they refuse to go? Was such a mission beneath their dignity? Did he ask them and they gave him a whole lot of lip (beak??) like they are prone to do? Biblical scholars appear to be divided on this point, unfortunately! Anyway…) – an entire holiday seems to have passed without parrots using their unique and decidedly meddlesome abilities to somehow throw a monkey-wrench in their human companion’s holiday revelry, experts report.

“Well, although I have several PhD’s and wear decidedly academic sweater vests and imposing horned-rim glasses, I am just as perplexed as the rest of you unlearned heathens with mere Master’s degrees or, heaven forbid, a measly 4 year degree from a non-Ivy league school!” said Dr. Thurston Maxwell Vanderbilt III, PhD, a renowned parrot expert and Dean of the Harvard School of Birds. “All of us in the Avian Sciences community await this time of year with foreboding and apprehension, just hunkered down behind our desks, waiting to see what those winged miscreants will unleash on what appears to be a hapless mankind! Just last year, there was that parrot in Spokane who imitated the oven timer on Thanksgiving as some sort of dramatic show of inter-species solidarity, causing the usually savvy Erika of Century West Engineering fame to remove the unfortunate dinner centerpiece, the turkey, from the oven over an hour early, thus ruining the festivities and giving her mother-in-law even more ammo to use against her in the decades to come. Sadly, incidents like that tend to occur across the globe on an all-too-frequent basis. So going an entire Thanksgiving day without a single reported incident of provocative parrot pandemonium cannot but forebode ill for the coming months. That tells me that they are planning something big, really big, and may the Lord help us all when that is unleashed upon us!” he shuddered in an Ivory Tower sort of way while pushing his glasses back up his beaky nose in a decidedly dramatic and haughty fashion.

“Well, all I have to say is the Lord has blessed us this day, and we do indeed have so much to be thankful for!” said the so-called Erika of Century West Engineering fame, the uber-goddess of efficiency and world famous parrot rescue maven. “After the last several years of unremitting parrot-inspired holiday disasters, you will forgive me for dreading the holiday season, and it doesn’t help that my mother-in-law just seems to come alive at this time of year, eagerly anticipating another domestic calamity that she can use against me for the rest of my life, given that it is almost a certainty that the woman will outlive me, if for no other reason than spite!” said Erika while expertly changing the newspaper in the bottom of one of her several quite roomy and expansive bird cages. “Oh, I was on pins and needles all day, just waiting for the parrot’s well conceived plans to come raining down on all of us. It was horrid. But when I served the last piece of pie and was able to sit down for the first time all day, I realized that no hideous disasters had befallen me and my social reputation had dodged the bullet for 2011, but that is when I really began to worry. Those darn birds are planning something. You can just see it in their beady little, dinosaur-like eyes. Even my bon-bon making sister (who hardly ever shares with anyone, particularly people who just happen to live in the high desert of New Mexico! Shame on you, Baroness d’Bon-Bon! Shame!!) – even she felt the presence of impending doom! Oh, in so many ways I just wish that the darn birds would have just gone ahead and gotten it over with this Thanksgiving! This waiting is going to put a real crimp in my normally over-the-top Christmas cheer, let me tell you!” she concluded solemnly while going to the garage to set up the 'Rump Shaking" Santa display.

Local Man Ostracized After Developing Life Coping Mechanisms That Don't Somehow Include Consuming Mass Quantities Of Cheap Booze

2011-11-17T07:36:00.000-08:00

In a social development that has the nation’s sociologists bristling with academic excitement and egghead-like verve, an area man, Festus Bodine, 43, has had the entire Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) turn their backs on him and slam the doors of social acceptance in his face after word leaked out that he somehow manages to cope with his crushing failure, utter hopelessness and dismal future prospects without hitting the bottle or guzzling a couple of cheap twelve packs of beer by noon on a typical work day, insiders report. Mr. Bodine, a farmer/rancher and proprietor of the “Dopey Z” ranch that he inherited because he was, of course, the dumbest son and the dumbest son always inherits the ranch in these parts. Anyway, although he has every reason to hide from himself and his almost unbelievable dysfunction in the bottom of a glass of cheap hooch, instead he likes to tie knots, shovel manure and cut his own hair when the weight of his collective failure comes crashing down on him like an avalanche of all consuming human hopelessness.

“Well, it just ain’t natural, that’s all” said Wilber Festoon, an area rancher and ironically also the dumbest son of the somewhat questionable “Festoon brood”, although his parentage has been in question since he was born with reddish hair in a family of brown eyed, dark haired males. “I mean, I just don’t see why he has to go putting on airs thinking he is all better than us as we drink ourselves blind and our collective livers are the size of a school bus!” fumed the indignant rancher Festoon. “If he had a lick of social decency, he would hide bottles of rot gut all over his ranch like any normal rancher does in these parts and have an almost unlimited supply of $1.99 six-packs stashed up in the hay loft like any normal person would. Sure, he is just as goofed up and dysfunctional as the rest of us, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, but he ain’t winning himself any favors with that holier-than-thou attitude and snooty inability to go thru life three sheets to the wind and in a reeking, mind-numbed blur like any half-way decent American rancher worth his salt would do! I just find his haughty attitude about pickling his innards a tad pretentious and ‘off-putting’, that’s all!” he raved drunkenly. “Sure, it is hell being the dumbest son and being forced to look at the backside of a cow from dawn till dusk for one’s entire life, that is the price we pay for rejecting education and dropping out of school in the 8th grade, but the least the man could do is join into the collective misery and get sloshed like the rest of us. I just can’t stand to be around a man who can’t gulp a 16 ounce beer then burp the Star Spangled Banner. I’m starting to wonder if he is really an American at all but instead is one of them Commie plants sent here by the Russkies to undermine our way of life or something!” he stammered boozily before wiping his stubbly chin on the sleeve of his quite malodorous work shirt that has the unfortunate byproducts of at least 20 head of cattle worked into the fibers at any given moment and that is in desperate need of a good washing, although his wife is usually too sloshed to work the controls on their 20 year old washing machine.

When asked for comment, the big sissy ‘goodie-two-shoes’ Festus managed to mutter “Well, it ain’t like I got nothing against drinking or nothing, but the wife is as crafty as a dadburned fox and discovered all my hiding places years ago and I’ll be derned if that woman don’t ferret out and guzzle any booze I got hid before a man has a decent chance to partake in its deceptively destructive pleasures and liver taxing goodness, if you get my meaning” he said while winking awkwardly. (Editorial Note: Oh, the humanity!!! People please, stay in High School until you graduate or you, too, might end up crafting sentences like that! You don’t have to go to college – but at least graduate from High School! Please! Thank you!!! And whatever you do, don't EVER wink for added emphasis for a weak, unsupportable point that makes almost no sense whatsoever! Come on!!)

Disco Finally Makes It To Lamont - All Too Soon Yet 40 Years Too Late

2011-10-30T06:57:00.000-07:00

Editorial Note:
In another sign that the 'End Times' are upon us, that unfortunate Disco dance/dress social abomination has finally wound its nefarious influences into the 2nd smallest town in the State. As if that were not bad enough, the entire sissy Lamont Blog reporting staff threatened to resign en masse if they were forced to report on such an unholy development in this day and age. So, given this quite reasonable yet insubordinate rebellion by trained professionals who have devoted their measly energies and sparse talents to bringing the eager, news-hungry world the very essence of life in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) (the global community chomps at the bit for every morsel and tidbit, or so it would seem!), the highly professional, under-appreciated, quietly heroic and ever vigilant "Editorial Staff" at the Lamont Blog had to step up, step in and carry the water once again for the whole doggone team, like that is anything new. This Disco story was so disturbing and so fundamentally unsettling that our generous readers will just have to fill in the horrible and nauseating blanks, if they can summon the courage, that is - given that our reporters seem to be so lilly-livered and spineless to the extreme when faced with the very horrors that make life on this wretched orb less than sustainable from a social and psychological perspective. We apologize for any inconvenience that this gutless hand-wringing by our so-called 'reporters' might have caused our faithful readership or readerhood or whatever that word is supposed to be. Thank you!

“Mother Nature” Administers Official “Smack Down” To Area Busybody For Not Minding Her Own Doggone Business

2011-10-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

In a quite appropriate assemblage of circumstances that has beleaguered son-in-laws the world over rejoicing at the sheer poetic justice of the thing, an area busybody (and quite enthusiastic and over-reaching mother-in-law in her own right) Brunhilda Snopes, aged 63, an area battle axe and farm/ranch matriarch, was nearly rendered senseless with fright after inserting herself into a situation where she obviously didn’t belong in the misguided and somewhat cruel attempt to ridicule and undermine another human being over something that really doesn’t matter all that much anyway.

“Well, I was over at the Festoon place when Skeeter Festoon (the dumbest of the Festoon kids so obviously the one who will inherit the ranch!!) came traipsing up, looking all disheveled and dingy, all his clothes some sort of unimpressive gray or whatever, and that is when I noticed what I was certain was a major laundry faux pas!” said Brunhilda wearily. “You know how men are with laundry! They will wash on any old temperature, throw colors in with whites, and never, ever use fabric softener, regardless of how much one nags! Lord knows the concept of a dryer sheet is beyond the realm of the remotest possibility! (Editorial note: Using stupid dryer sheets is, in fact, a pronounced statistical improbability several stages past 'remote', yes!) Oh, it is just a disgusting mess! Anyway, as I was cataloging the quite numerous laundry violations that Skeeter seems to rack up like deer antlers at a taxidermy shop, I saw what appeared to any reasonable laundry aficionado to be a clothespin still attached to the back of his quite faded and unimpressive shirt. So, needless to say, I marched right up to him in order to remove the offending laundry instrument and wag it in his face in order to prove once and for all my superiority over him in all things laundry, when before I knew it, that supposed ‘clothespin” began wriggling in my hand and those horrid little forelegs began stroking my fingers and those beady little eyes just glared at me with the inter-species contempt and hatred that only a lower life form can feel for a creature at the top of the food chain!” she stammered pathetically (Ironically, that was the same look she gave Skeeter upon critiquing his current outfit or ‘get-up’ or whatever you call that odd assortment of garments that Skeeter likes to wear!) “Oh, it was horrid – and it even scared Skeeter so bad he went lumbering across the yard (at unnaturally high speed for a homo sapien!) and knocked himself unconscious against that apricot tree. Oh, none of this dern mess would have happened if he would have just listened to my years of laundry-related scolding and if he would have bended himself to my irrepressible will and let me control every aspect of his stupid and worthless life until every semblance of humanity was wrung from him!” she said defiantly with an air of misplaced superiority and angst. (While vigorously wiping her liver-spotted hand on her tattered apron to get the 'insect germs' off!)

“Well, when I got out of bed about noon and went to do whatever one is supposed to do on a ranch or whatever, I had the unfortunate reality of bumping into that ever-unpleasant Brunhilda out by the chicken coop!” said the still groggy Skeeter while holding a piece of raw liver to his quite livid and greenish-black eye. “Anyway, I was trying to be polite and move away from her with some dispatch, realizing that I was more than likely going to have to sneak into the barn and hit the bottle like I do after most exchanges with that bitter shrew of a woman, when the next thing I knew she marches right up to me, touches me on the back between my shoulder blades and then begins screaming and howling and carrying on like some demon inspired banshee from the very pit itself! Needless to say that was quite unexpected. Well, being a coward by nature, resolving the ‘fight or flight’ dichotomy was really a no-brainer for me, and the next thing I knew my pappy was dumping a bucket of cold water over my head and saying something about how I was not getting out of my chores that easily. It was all very confusing. Anyway, Brunhilda made a quick departure after that and I ended up in the barn with that bottle I have hidden behind the manure fork – so I guess things ain’t all so bad after all, I guess” he concluded drunkenly (and repeating himself in the same sentence!) with a dopey smile that is all too common among those who are already “half in the bag” at 1:30 in the afternoon, for Pete’s sake.

(Editorial Note: For the record, the unfortunate Praying Mantis, who was just minding his own business after mistaking that gray, dingy, obviously mistreated shirt for a rock where it might catch a moth or something, somehow managed to extricate itself from that shrieking mental patient of a shrew of a woman who was making such a fuss and eventually ended up in the potato patch, unharmed, thank goodness, where it spent the rest of the day looking like a stick and trying to get a quick snack while checking out all the female Praying Mantises who seem cuter and more sassy than usual this year, for some reason. Thank you.)

Insidious Weed Infestation Causes Quite Considerable Cultural Conundrum

2011-10-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

In one of those things that would only happen in a place like Lamont, a feisty yet forlorn anti-metropolis nestled against the barren, hellish wastes known somewhat politely as “The Scablands”. (Oh, who came up with that name! Talk about a complete and total lack of a marketing orientation!) Anyway, as the old adage goes, “Where there is dirt, there are weeds” (Okay, I just made that adage up - but freedom of the press belongs to those who own one!!) – and believe you me, Lamont has more than its fair share of dirt, and not just the growing kind, either. So, given this volatile mix of regularly tilled soil, above average rainfall, interstate trucking from international ports over on the coast and an above average propensity for bad things to happen, the lowly town of Lamont (Oh, they are not even a city! Given their lack of population, they are defined as just a measly little town! Think of the psychological strain and humiliation that can put on an electoral body, for Pete’s sake!) has been struck by a non-native weed that has radically altered the social and cultural dynamic which was hanging by a thread in the first place. Yes, Lamont and the surrounding area have a Stage 4 infestation of the dreaded ‘Lunas Hippicus’ weed, known in farm/ranch circles more simply as “Loco Weed”.

“Oh great! That’s all I need right now!” lamented Wilber Festoon, 54, an area farmer/rancher and heir to the tarnished and tattered Festoon farm/ranch dynasty! “First, my little girl (She is 23 and well over 16 stone!!) has got it in her head to go get tattoos and piercings on parts of the body me and the wife never even knew existed, then my son goes to the slammer after getting caught up in some illegal ‘bull wrestling’ ring, and I do not have the time or the inclination to outline my wife’s quite extensive incongruities, we could be here for days, but now the whole herd is all hopped up 24/7 on some dern weed that seems to grow with some proclivity (more like reckless abandon!) in these parts, although I can’t seem to get wheat to grow here to save my life! (Maybe that has something to do with drinking a 12-pack before getting on the tractor!) Yeah, that is just great!” he sniveled in typical farmer/rancher fashion – which can be downright annoying if you ponder it for any length of time, given that totally bogus reputation they have for rugged individualism and the untamed American spirit and all of those other Hollywood lies about farmers/ranchers – at least the farmers/ranchers in these parts, anyway. (Editorial Note: The Lamont Blog believes that farmers/ranchers in other parts of the country do indeed live up to their cultural stereotypes, but the area ones leave more than a little to be desired in their manly pursuits and world view – except for the area women, of course, who seem to excel in these areas. So please, do not fall into the trap of generalizing our local farmers/ranchers with the national variety – like in Texas or Iowa or other normal places like that where the men who serve on the County Fire Department don’t start crying when asked by the town to use a fire hydrant to put out fires or whatever. Thank you!!)

“So, me and the wife went down to the back pasture and I’ll be dadburned if the whole herd wasn’t down there sitting around some bonfire, singing “Moo-Bai-Ya” and chewing on that dang Loco weed like it was going out of style!” said the flummoxed farmer/rancher while wiping the chewing tobacco juice off his shiny, pointy-toed, multi-colored, highly-embroidered 'cowboy' boot.. “And to top that all off, then one of the cows came up, saying he was now their new union representative from the International Bovine Brotherhood Local 642, and he was demanding that I rent some fancy cattle truck and drive the whole mess of them over there to that New York City so they could participate with their cultural soul mates in the “Occupy Wall Street” protest where all them hippie types who don’t know how to clean up after themselves and go to the bathroom wherever the need strikes them are proving how worthless they are! I don’t so much mind them cows getting all stoned and doing funny things with their hides, (or the wannabe hippies, either!) but I’ll be dadburned if I am going to go carting them all the way across the country so they can protest the very people who help set cattle future prices in some significant yet indirect way! A man has to draw the line somewhere, I reckon!” he said with whatever tattered remains of self-dignity he could muster in a pinch - although this meager bravado was largely sad and transparent! (Editorial Note: No animals or worthless, anti-social hippies were harmed in the making of this Blog article. Thank you!)

Lamont Has Nation's Conspiracy Theorists All "A Twitter" After Recent Modern Plumbing Improvements

2011-10-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

The humble town of Lamont, a charming berg that thru a series of social, cultural, educational and laziness-related unfortunate circumstances, not to mention the meddlesome interference and hijinks of the patron saint of Lamont – 'Bad Luck' himself, never managed until now to put in a flush toilet or a simple sink or whatever. (Editorial Note: This "Bad Luck" archetype is depicted in popular local myth/lore as dressing just like Zorro - cape and all!!! What is that all about? What does Zorro have to do with not having a flush toilet after 100 years of failure? That in and of itself is really rather disturbing - more so, in fact, than being a town for 100 years and not having a public bathroom! There is some really disturbed thinking going on there! Thank you!) Anyway, this little town has the quite extensive US Conspiracy Theory community with a bee in their bonnet after word leaked out that Lamont was on the verge of getting its first public flush toilet in over 100 years. This implausible rumor of modern plumbing is even more shocking because it was opposed by the area fire fighters (who also opposed using fire hydrants – seems they have a problem with water or something, which is more than a tad ironic - but appears normal in the context of the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA)!), it was attacked by area church types who view any change as the devil’s handiwork, and it was scorned by the thankfully small segment of the population who doesn’t like to bathe and since a toilet is associated with the room the shower is in – well, it was guilt by association or something.

“Well, we pretty much have one of them fake moon landing scenarios like they tried to pull on us during the hippie era, right here in doggone Lamont, dadburn it!” said Chester Bodine, 56, an area farmer/rancher and unabashed flaky nut-case who sees conspiracies everywhere, even in his breakfast cereal, for Pete's sake. " (There is something unnatural and creepy about those unholy 'Lucky Charms' with all those weird marshmallow things that ain't really marshmallows that come in colors that no self-respecting marshmallow would ever appear in public with and all of that, so he might be onto something there - but we don't want to encourage Mr. Bodine in any way. Thank you.) “Heck, that moon landing thing was as fake as Old Man Festoon's teeth and any dern fool with a lick of sense knows that Lamont don’t have the political will nor the fancy know-how to put one of them dern things in! It is all one big hoax to lure the nation into another false sense of complacency so that there one world government or whatever can take over and the next thing we know we have to start saying 'comrade' to everybody and them people will make us watch that fancy ballet from that Red Square over there in Russia (sadly pronounced "Rusher") or what have you. And the dern media is in on it, too! I knew the minute Lamont made the front page of the Spokane paper (not the Police Blotter for a change, thank goodness!) that that darn main stream media was up to their usual tomfoolery. Then Lamont got one of the best water systems in small town America, thanks to Century West Engineering, with water so pure it hardly registered on that water testing thingamabob or whatever that is! Clean water, who needs it? I've been drinking water from under the cow pasture for years and it ain't hurt me none!" he stammered with that pronounced facial tic that can be so distracting! "Then, out of nowhere, more than half the town got paved! Or did they just make us believe it got paved? How do we know that is really pavement with sidewalks and not some fancy commie gravel that just makes us think it is pavement? You ever asked yourself that? And finally, that darn Whitman County gave Lamont a huge grant for a new library, like that ain’t a sign of the end times or something. That is all we need – more people reading! So, all of that was bad, but a flush toilet in Lamont – come on! That is just nonsense, I tell you! Some things are just beyond rational probability!” he fumed, bordering on a full-blown snit/temper tantrum.

Lamont's Blue-chip Engineering Firm, Century West, Decides To Land On Moon ‘In their spare time’

2011-09-19T18:52:00.000-07:00

In another testament to the outrageously deep talent pool that is sported by the premier engineering powerhouse in the Pacific Northwest, those go-getters at Century West Engineering just decided to take a little road trip given that things were slightly slower than usual in the normally bustling office due to the unfortunate reality of one of those annoying and all-too-frequent holiday weekends. This firm of engineering professionals, who have nothing to prove to the world, EVER!!, given that they successfully installed a new water system, built new roads and managed a library construction project in Lamont, Washington, (As if any sane person can believe they were actually able to accomplish all those amazing things in Lamont of all places!!!) – anyway, these engineering types just decided to not let a few minutes slip by unharnessed so, while multi-tasking, they basically re-engineered the entire Apollo program from scratch one afternoon in the coffee break room – but they, of course, had the good sense to skip that whole ‘Apollo 13’ thing and all of that unnecessary drama that it brought to the beleaguered nation’s doorstep, thank goodness. (Like we didn't have enough to worry about back then with all of those brightly colored yet malodorous hippies marching everywhere, that soul-crushing Sonny and Cher Show with all that mesmerizing glitter, and that annoying 'Soviet menace/Commie hoard' thing!)

“Well, at this point, nothing that company does that pushes the envelope of human understanding and endurance could surprise me, no sir!!” said a former mayor from the 700 block of Spokane Street who asked not to be identified. “I mean, a moon landing is awesome and all, but is that really that big of a deal given that they had to put up with our citizenry during three major projects, not including the best small town flagpole anywhere! Use your head! Sure, the moon with its 1/7th Earth’s gravity, huge temperature swings and complete lack of atmosphere can seem pretty inhospitable and daunting, but during our road project we had any number of local females marching up and down the streets in short-shorts and bippy tops, shouting 'hey ya'll' and trying to sell the construction workers soft drinks for $2.50! Oh, it was horrid! (The Lamont Blog hasn't consumed a soda since!) And then, when they added the new water system, people would flock out into the streets in fuzzy slippers and tattered bathrobes in -10 F weather, making suggestions on how to dig a hole. Oh, and that poor engineer and the library project! I cannot even imagine what a 'living hell' that poor soul went thru, given that he had to manage the volunteer effort to erect the thing! So yeah, travelling to the Earth’s major celestial satellite that controls our tides and makes people go crazy (I won’t even mention that whole werewolf thing! Yikes!!) is pretty impressive, but their real achievements took place right here on ‘terra firma’, if you ask me!” he said resolutely. (Editorial Note: Hey, who is asking you? You ain’t mayor no more! That Ruth Simpson is running the place, and thank goodness she is! Look at what a ‘pig’s breakfast’ you made of the job! But we have to agree with you on one thing and one thing only. Working in Lamont is a magnitude of difficulty greater than landing on the measly moon. Thank you!)

Town Contemplates Seceding 'To' Denmark After Former Viking Stronghold Elects Total Babe As Prime Minister

2011-09-16T10:42:00.000-07:00

The Town of Lamont, a perplexing yet humble hamlet with a heart of gold (and a weird, deep-seated set of sympathies for the Vikings with all that pillaging and rapine! Whoa!), is contemplating finally leaving the USA in favor of throwing their quite questionable prestige behind some small European country most famous for that Hamlet guy who got chased around by ghosts or something and where everyone speaks that fancy kind of English – or at least it seemed that way in some black and white movie we saw once. Lamont, whose loyalties to the USA have been in some dispute for around 40 years given its pro-lawlessness, anti-education, and decidedly anarchy-friendly world view, seems to think that attaching themselves to some country that was founded by the Vikings with all of those raiding parties, burning stuff down and taking things that don’t belong to them might, in fact, be a better fit for the town than the USA with all those laws, expectations to perform and other rules that just seem to put a damper on their natural urges to drink mead all day long, live communally with women in long, wooden houses, smash up stuff they don’t like and never bathe, insiders report.

“Whoa! I always felt part Viking in my heart, but after I somehow caught a glimpse of that Helle Thorning-Schmidt person, I realized I was born in the wrong doggone country!” said Goober Bodine, 56, an area farmer/rancher and school board member. “Dang, in this country we get Hillary as some sort of so-called leader – but those doggone Danes obviously have their heads screwed on straight, unlike those stupid Americans. (Those? Ain’t you a dadburn American no more?) “Who cares if she is from some Center-Left coalition – heck, she could be a dadburn commie for all I care, but if she put her hair up in braids and donned some of that Viking body armor I would follow her anywhere – even to do battle with her ancient enemy Schleswig-Holstein!” he stammered pathetically with some sick, puppy-love look in his beady little eyes. (Editorial Note: The Lamont Blog does not endorse this sickening devotion to outward appearance and feels certain that Ms. Thorning-Schmidt is more than worthy for this challenging position based on her political savvy and above average intelligence. Just because she fits everyone’s conception of the ultimate Viking warrior goddess of old, like some attractive blending of ‘Heidi’ and ‘Joan of Arc’, should in no way hamper her very real contributions as a democratic leader of one of Europe’s most stable nations! This is the year 2011, for Pete’s sake! Things like outrageous, unbelievable, almost supernatural beauty should not matter now! Thank you!)

“Well, living in the town just down the road from Lamont, I ain't so sure them moving over there to one of them European countries would be such a bad thing for them, if you ask me!” said a civic leader from a neighboring town. “Well, most of Lamont is somewhat normal and law abiding, (What???) but there are a few ruffians who don’t have an education and spend all of their lives stealing gas, racing around in loud cars of uncertain ownership and causing trouble, so if you get rid of Lamont, you get rid of the reprobates, too! I just wonder if there ain’t some way we could somehow help move this thing along, you know, as some kind of community service event or something” he concluded hopefully.

Tourism News: Lamont To Position Itself As Haven For People Seeking Release From Anything Developed After The Year 1700

2011-09-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

The humble town of Lamont, still licking its wounds from the shellacking it received at the hands of that doggone vacation wonderland Long Beach, WA (Editorial Note: Thou shalt not mention that name!!! We smite thee! Oh, cursed be that vacation wonderland Long Beach! May the plagues of Egypt be like a mere Sunday stroll compared to Long Beach's coming judgement for crushing the lowly and largely unattractive Lamont with its lack of basic amenities, things to see/do and spotty population density! Oh, we curse thee, you delightful, tourist-friendly Babylon with some really great places to eat and all those cool kites! May the fleas of 1000 camels infest your charming, well-managed Town Hall!! May your fancy high speed network develop vapor lock and may enormous clams clog up your delightful downtown business district, too! Whoa, I'm running out of curses here! What the?!?!?! Long Beach must have hexed me!! Well, may you be forced to endure all those other curses I cannot think of right now, too!!!), decided their only hope at generating tourist revenue was to fall back on its inherent strengths (okay, it only has one, so that should be ‘strength’), a complete and total rejection of modernity and all that entails and a desire to return to a more simple, fire hydrant-less era without all that fancy medicine, hygiene, transportation, communications and where being uniformly and aggressively ignorant of the world was the norm and not the embarrassing exception.

“Well, Long Beach, although a harsh task-master, taught us a very valuable lesson. When you run with the big boys you are liable to get trampled under the slashing hooves of your municipal betters!” said Chester Snopes, an area farmer and the guy most single-handedly responsible for keeping Lamont pressed tightly against the loving bosom of the pre-industrial age. “Sure, we rose above our station when we tried to compete against a charming seaside paradise that actually has stores and restaurants and a beautiful beach with real sand, but let one never say that Lamont cannot learn from its crushing defeats and will not always spring back to fail spectacularly in some other area! We may be laggards, but we are scrappy laggards!” he said proudly, stubbing the toe of his manure covered cowboy boot with all that fancy stitching into one of the few healthy-looking clumps of grass in Bug Tussle Park – the town park named after the original home of the Beverly Hillbillies – if you can believe that. “So, we all got together in Scooter Bodine’s still unpainted (after 72 years!) and manure-filled barn (last shoveled out when Truman was President!!) and decided that enough was enough. Why should we continue to swim upstream like some over-achieving salmon and all when we could just stop swimming and let the current flush our bloated municipal carcass out to sea where it belongs and where metaphorical crabs, seagulls and other critters could pick our bones clean and put an end to all this nonsense once and for all” he said, voicing one of the 2 or 3 most coherent sentences he ever produced in all of his 56 years of torturing the poor English language.

“But then we realized, if all us here farmers and ranchers feel this way about this crazy modern world and all the demands it puts on a feller, there has to be others like us, so why not position Lamont to be a place where people who fundamentally reject the modern era and refuse to bathe can come to blow off a little steam and stick their heads in the local sand with like-minded folk?” he beamed proudly! “Heck, it is just a matter of being true to one’s own nature – and the good part is we won’t have to change a doggone thing to make this place 16th century friendly, neither! Sure, I was the one who lead the fight against using them new-fangled fire hydrants, which was my duty as a local fire fighter, but we can just cover them up with little hay stacks or something and people will never know they are there. It ain’t like we ever planned on using the stupid things anyway, although we promised the town we would! So yeah, we can now be the new ‘Anti-Long Beach’ where people come not to eat and gaze upon some beautiful ocean and stay at swanky hotels or whatever, but where simple folks can just dig a hole or something for shelter, scratch and pick and complain about how the world has gone wrong! There has to be at least a dozen or so people in this here country that would snap at the chance to return to some pre-soap, pre-flush toilet, pre-book learning era where men were men and, as a rule, they all smelled pretty darn bad! (You should see these guys when they show up for town business meetings with outsiders! Yikes! We wish we were making this up!) I think we are really onto something here!!” he said proudly before scattering the chickens as he marched up to his sod cabin to tell the wife (not that he had to tell her anything about his plans!!) to put an extra pig’s foot in the pot just in case some Luddite-like laggard got the word already and would show up for dinner in the new vacation Mecca for the flotsam left in the wake of America in the 21st century, for crying out loud!!

Century West Engineering Remains Strong, Resolute, Vibrant In Spite Of Long-Term Relationship With Lamont

2011-09-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

Century West Engineering, a rock of stability for good in a world gone totally mad, has somehow managed to survive and even flourish in spite of the fact that they have been involved with the 2nd smallest town in the Great State of Washington for well over 6 years. This almost unheard of feat of emotional, organizational, interpersonal and psychological stability goes a long way in explaining why this regional engineering powerhouse has almost single-handedly improved the infrastructure of the entire Pacific Northwest, to say nothing of providing outrageously pure drinking water, paving over half the town, engineering a quite impressive flagpole and facilitating a new library in Lamont; a forlorn, some might say half-baked hamlet nestled up against the forbidding scablands in the otherwise beautiful Palouse region of Eastern Washington.

“Good gravy, man! We have thrown every bit of inane dysfunction we have at them and it didn’t even make a doggone dent!” exclaimed Wilber Festoon, 56, a area farmer/rancher and self-proclaimed 'civic leader'. “I mean, normally when organizations get the “Lamont Treatment” with all that entails, it is only a matter of weeks or months until catastrophic organizational disintegration takes place, the home office gets boarded up and whatever investors there are that have not committed suicide sell everything they own, change their names and move to some unfortunate village in Costa Rica that doesn’t even have running water or electricity. But somehow Century West Engineering (CWE) just seems to get better and better, doggone it, regardless of how much insane tomfoolery, scatological inefficiency, convoluted misdirection and political and social backwardness we throw their way! (like the local firefighters not wanting to use fire hydrants from a new $1.3 million water system!!) That just ain’t right!” bellowed the flummoxed Mr. Festoon, a local firefighter and the President of the brazenly oxymoronic “Greater Lamont Business Development Association” (GLBDA). “It just seems that regardless of what we do they just continue to be happy, focused, professional and eager to get the job done! It’s like they ain’t even human or something!” he concluded with a shudder while grasping his crucifix and spitting three times to ward off the evil eye!

(Editorial Note: When Century West Engineering first became involved with Lamont, Lamont’s water system was on the verge of being condemned, but CWE acquired a water planning grant and then planned and of course implemented one of the most awesome water systems in all 50 states. (with 82 psi) Then, when the citizens were dropping like flies due to excessive road dust (so, what was the problem there?), Century West came in and thru an outrageously generous grant from the Transportation Improvement Board (TIB) (thank you Greg Partch and company!) managed to pave over half the town. And then, when Lamont needed to add a flagpole to prove once and for all that they did in fact belong to the United States of America (there is still some debate on this point!!), Dennis Fuller and his team of go-getter experts provided the critical calculations (the base for this monster needed to be over 6 feet deep, for Pete’s sake!) and finally, Lamont was the only town in Whitman County without a library or flush toilet (go figure!) and CWE has been instrumental in consulting on the purchasing, planning and implementation of this library project – a project that in other normal towns would have been a seemingly straightforward thing but in Lamont, assuming CWE was not involved, would be more akin to a modern military campaign like D-Day ending in crushing defeat against a smaller, more primitive opponent that doesn’t even know how to use metal and runs around with blue face paint making strange guttural noises like in that 'Lost World' movie or whatever. So yes, CWE is amazing, and their surviving and succeeding, even in the crucible that is Lamont, is a lasting monument to their excellence and astounding human endurance for all future generations to gaze upon with reverent awe and wonder! Thank you, CWE, for setting the example for us all - oh yeah, and for that new library flush toilet thing after over 100 years of being a town!! Oh, and for putting up with us even though we are crazy! And for all those complex water reports you help with that the State makes us do! Oh yeah, and for that nice woman who always answers the phone so sweetly when we call with really stupid questions. And thanks for putting up with us given that we are crazy!) (you said that already, you loon!!)

Town Deploys Multifaceted Public Awareness Campaign Aimed At Improving Quality Of Life

2011-09-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

The Town of Lamont, a town so small that it was necessary to combine town-sponsored public service messages in order to save precious tax dollars given that they are putting in a new library this year, is attempting to foster the all-important ‘human experience’ of living in the 2nd smallest town in the State while also vainly attempting to stomp out the unspeakable scourge as represented by some frightening, creepy, unnatural, ‘other-worldly’ canine abomination – known politely in some circles as the common “Pug”. This communication effort, consisting of a saturation campaign utilizing colorful (yet disturbing!) flyers (printed on recycled paper!) being taped to every telephone pole in town and left on the windshields of all the cars that will still move under their own power (Editorial Note: This is only about 22% of the total vehicles in the dern town, for crying out loud!! This stupid ad campaign should say “Hugs, not old rusty hulks that make your yard look like heck and make everyone think of a bad ‘redneck’ joke”! Come on, people! Focus!) Anyway, this ad campaign is expected to run until the town actually starts hugging one another and also refuses to buy dogs whose faces look like they ran into something as a puppy or the town leadership moves onto some other stupid boondoggle of an idea, or both, insiders report.

“Well, as I see it, the town has two main problems. Number 1 – we don’t like each other and hope everyone else catches a terminal disease, and number 2 – having weird looking dogs is unnatural and tends to depress people as they walk around the town and/or go get their mail or whatever!” said a town leader who has a normal looking dog of uncertain parentage, although it does have unconfirmed behavioral issues involving pant legs. “So, we just decided that promoting hugs, although unreasonable and farfetched in reality given our citizenry, was a step in the right direction and, of course, discouraging people from acquiring those so-called dogs, the pugs, is a good idea on too many levels to discuss here, believe me. So, the only question was how to communicate these very important concerns to a citizenry who is notoriously hard to reach. Sure, we could have advertised on the Jerry Springer show and would have captured 98.6% of the town (many in the audience!!), but with a budget of $10.00 this was deemed cost prohibitive. Then we considered an ad on Google, but no one in town uses the computer so that would have had a poor cost-to-target-market-reach ratio. So we just decided to print up about 25 flyers and have one of the teenagers walk around town and put them on any car that they think is still running. All we can do now is hope for the best, I guess. We certainly don’t expect some unholy ‘hug-a-thon’ like a hippie convention or nothing, but if we can keep the town from being overrun by a bunch of snub-nosed ankle-biters, we will, of course, declare it a huge success!” she concluded optimistically while pulling her dog back from some unsuspecting pant leg.

Town Institutes Nation’s Toughest “Hate Crimes” Legislation To Combat Shocking Regional Social Injustices

2011-08-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

The town of Lamont, a humble berg nestled in the loving arms of the forbidding, spooky, primeval “Scablands” in the otherwise beautiful Palouse in Eastern Washington, has finally said ‘enough is enough’ and enacted a stringent set of punishments for a hidden sub-set of the nation’s inherent bigotries – the troubling and oftentimes hilarious propensity for people to make fun of hicks and rednecks, not to mention that whole ‘Hillbilly Culture’ thing. “Well, this is 2011, for crying out loud, so this blatant verbal, cultural and interpersonal discrimination against 8th grade drop outs, people who have dozens of junk cars in their yards and who often fail to shower even after working with cows for a couple of weeks, must now stop!” said Jethro Snopes, 56, a local farmer and regional president of the NAACF (National Association For The Advancement Of Country-fied Folks!!) “Sure, our kids don’t work or go to school and just drive around town all day long on stolen gas, gunning their engines and yelling grammatically incorrect diatribes out their open car windows (that are blaring out Rap music, which really doesn’t make any sense if you think about it! Where are Hank and Willy and the boys, for crying out loud?), And sure, we throw garbage in our yards and have about a dozen dogs each that have never darkened the door of a vet! And, oh yeah, all of us have a passel of kids out of wedlock that are on County assistance and all, but that don’t mean them fancy people need to go calling us hicks and rednecks and all of that. And them very same people will never hire us for them jobs that we do not even have the basic work ethic to complete successfully and where all the tools from the jobsite would likely come up missing if they did hire us, for crying out loud! That’s just so wrong! This is America! We have our rights! One of them rights, the first one, I think, is that we deserve things that don't belong to us and people need to lavish praise on us for never doing anything of import!! It's in that there Constitution, ain't it?” he whined/sniveled pathetically/ignorantly, somehow forgetting about the responsibilities that quite naturally go hand-in-hand with the actual rights we do indeed have!

“Well, this is our town and we make the laws here, and I’ll be dadburned if we got to go letting a bunch of snooty, brainiac people with them fancy high school diplomas go telling us that our ways that worked just fine in the mountains of West Virginia and Arkansas before even them people kicked us out (one step ahead of the Law!!) ain’t good enough for the local delicate sensibilities!” (They had to go somewhere when they got run off from back there in the hills, we guess! But why Lamont? Why is it always Lamont? Oregon is nice, ain't it?) said Skeeter Bodine, 52, an area rancher, church board member and former president of the NAACF before he was forced to resign in disgrace after his daughter somehow managed to miraculously graduate from the local high school, thanks in no small part to unwarranted social promotion and the fact that she was, in fact, 23 years of age. “Heck, just the other day my momma was looking for a new spit cup to match her apron, so she asked the girl in that fancy college town store in Cheney for some assistance, and I’ll be dadburned if that girl just didn’t break out laughing right in my momma’s face and whisper something under her breath as she showed my sweet momma to the coffee cup aisle! First off, any dern fool knows that a real lady don’t use no stinking coffee cup to spit tobacco juice in, and second, you would think that a woman in the somewhat tarnished and tattered ‘Golden Years” of her life had never asked for a dadburn color coordinated spit cup before! I mean, come on! That is blatant discrimination! It's fine when we do it to other people, you know what I mean, but its just plain wrong when its done to us and ours! Heck, my momma was treated differently because of her complete and total lack of social and cultural mores and for the fact that she raised about a dozen felonious kids that never managed to assimilate into the larger culture with all of its fancy laws and obligations and all that nonsense! Like that is a bad thing! I thought we had moved past that as a nation!” he fumed indignantly!

“So yeah, for a first offence, we now have the right to ‘tar and feather’ any person who mutters a disparaging word against hicks or rednecks or somehow implies that getting an education is a good thing. And yeah, repeat offenders will basically be treated like horse thieves of old, although we really never understood why people back then would go getting so excited about one man stealing something from another man, even if it was a horse! Heck, that is half the fun of living in this here America!” he beamed patriotically, discolored saliva running down is chin. “We just ain’t going to go tolerating that bigotry around here no more, and we got most of the town folk, the area farmer/rancher community and area hick churches behind us, too! Come on, people! Hicks are Americans, dadburn it, and the few among us who ain't convicted felons got the doggone vote, so it is about time that that there high-fluting Supreme Court and all them Legislaturers (sic) started sticking up for us, ain’t it?” he stammered with true Jeffersonian solemnity while wondering if that forgetful Mrs. Jenkins left the locking gas cap off her minivan again since his tank was getting kind of low. “So listen here, Mr. Fancy-pants Foxworthy, you ain’t welcome in these here parts, unless you have a hankering for the sweet aroma of tar with a generous helping of yard-bird feathers thrown in for good measure!” he concluded with what little dignity he could muster while still wondering where he could get his momma the perfect spit cup.

(Editorial Note: Although painful to remember and easily flushed from long-term memory for sanity preservation sake, it is necessary to recount that Lamont's only park is, in fact, named after the original mountain home of that iconic American family, the Beverly Hillbillies. Yes, although shocking, Lamont's park is called "Bug Tussle" which, not coincidentally, is where Uncle Jed, while looking for some food, missed an easy shot, and up from the ground came a bubbling crude and all of that. We will leave it to our loyal readers to garner the appropriate response to this troubling and somewhat disturbing point of historical fact. Thank you!!)

Area Church Board Votes To Return To Simpler, More Honest Approach To That Whole Church Thing

2011-08-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

In a unanimous 5-0 vote, an area church board voted to drop all pretense of so-called Christian love and piety and all of that rigmarole and to return to the refreshing, fun, easy to understand ‘Good Old Days” where a few self-appointed “elect” can pretty much do whatever they want to whoever they want – all in the name of religion or faith or spiritual purity or whatever. “Well, this is a way for this church in particular to get back to our real roots and to be honest to our actual world view” said Gomer Snopes, 54, an area rancher, fire fighter and church board member. “I mean, we have used this here church to further our less-than-godly agenda for decades, but we were always hampered by having to maintain the perception of following that outdated bible and all that ‘love thy neighbor’ nonsense. Those unwashed heathen were forever throwing that fact up in our faces, for crying out loud! What is the purpose of getting a strangle-hold on a small rural church if you cannot use it to exact pain on anyone who doesn’t do what you say and/or admit how great you are? Forget that whole silly “Lord’s Vineyard” thing, we want to control everyone and enrich ourselves in the process, and that is less than efficient when you have some old book and the truly inhibiting words of the True Jesus chained to your ankle! We just thought it would be more honest and truthful to our real natures if we just came out in favor of returning to an earlier and more glorious, to say nothing of fun, period of Christian history where everyone knew where they stood and where people like us were at the top of the heap dispensing cruel and disproportional justice as the fickle whim struck us - all for the greater good, of course! And I am sure there will be no shortage of new, eager, devoted converts, neither! Heck, half the ranchers in these parts have been waiting for something like this - to say nothing of the criminal classes - thus we cannot help but fill our coffers with even more mammon or filthy lucre or whatever! How can that be a bad thing?” he concluded piously with an eerie red glint in his watery, beady, little eyes! (eyes made watery by the sulfur stench that seems to follow him everywhere, for some reason!)

“Heck, if that there church gets back to that “Old Time” religion that I have always secretly longed for late at night while thinking my dark, disturbing thoughts, wild horses will not be able to keep me from attending that dern church, no sir!!” said John Crudmeyer, 53, an area home-churcher but a man who can grasp the obvious benefits of instilling organized discipline amongst his heathen, unwashed neighbors who are actually representative of 98% of modern Americans, the poor things. “I mean, who doesn’t like to see a good old witch burning, even if the wretch is not a witch but just some poor old grandmother who didn’t wave at you when you drove by her house or whatever because she didn't have her glasses on!!” said Crudmeyer. “And who among us doesn’t like to drag some poor, squealing, sniveling wretch into a dank root cellar and strap them to some disgusting, demonic device that is certain to make them about 10 inches taller with a few simple twists of a crank! Oh yeah, and which one of us does not like to heat branding irons to a white-hot intensity and wave them around in some poor guy's face as he hangs suspended 4 inches above the filthy, straw-covered floor by jagged rusty manacles! It is all a matter of being honest to one’s true motivations – so if that there church does what they say they are going to, whoa, they have a new member, doggone it! I even got a bunch of hefty old timbers in my storage unit that would be perfect to make one of those public stock things out of! You know, those things you force someone’s hands and head into so they bake in the hot sun while people throw rotten vegetables at them and call them filthy names! Now that is a project I could devote my true latent energies to – not all that sissy “help the poor and feed the orphans” nonsense that most churches only give meager lip service to. Finally there is a church in these parts that knows what it is all about - just like in the Dark Ages, before all at 'Age of Enlightenment' nonsense that ruined the whole world!!!! I just hope they let me be one of the top guys who decide people’s fate and not some lower level functionary that might, at any given moment, be dragged down into some dank dungeon on some trumped up charge or whatever. That would really stink!!” he concluded with his usual smug, condescending, contrived modesty and outrageous, cheeky, insincere understatement.

Shock: Town Drops Historic “Rump Shaker” In Favor Of New-Fangled “Hokey Pokey” As Official Town Dance

2011-07-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

In a bold move that has Town insiders long averse to change of any kind shaking their heads in nervous apprehension, the Town Council voted in a nail-biting 3-2 vote to relegate the tried-and-true “Rump Shaker” dance move to the dustbin of history in favor of that new, fancy, potentially satanic, ultra-modern “Hokey Pokey” as the official dance of the 2nd smallest Town in the State. The Town of Lamont, a berg that is amazingly over 100 years old but firmly rooted in the murky, ignorant, superstitious past, does not take change easily (as demonstrated by the almost psychopathic resistance to the town’s first flush toilet by a shockingly diverse segment of the area population to include church leaders, fire fighters and farm types!! Whoa!) and this brazen, some-might-say reckless break with tradition is almost certainly going to increase the profound angst and jittery natures of an already nervous and insecure citizenry who long ago gave up on participating in the post-1950’s America that a vast majority of us all know and love.

“Well, I know that throwing caution to the wind and taking such a brave step into the unknown is likely to not sit well with the voting public who resents paved roads and clean drinking water as unnecessary inconveniences that are just another thing to worry about and fix when they break and all of that, but Lamont has an image to uphold - tarnished and tattered as it may be – so replacing the “Rump Shaker” with a more modern, contemporary, stylish dance move just seemed in order” said Greta Belcher, a town councilwoman of 43 years. “Sure, in many ways, the primitive, earthy “Rump Shaker” did tend to communicate the very essence of a municipality that values lawlessness and disorder and that feels doing nothing is always better than actually getting off one’s dead rear end and doing something (Anything! We'll take anything!), but as a sworn town leader, sometimes those tough, controversial decisions fall on my sloped and sagging shoulders, that’s all” said the area vanguard of social change while shooting at a crow with her BB gun! (She missed, thank goodness! What a crappy shot!) “I mean, the “Rump Shaker” was brought to this country many years ago by our less savory and socially laggardly ancestors who in turn carried it from the dark, forbidding forests of Gaul where it was frequently employed after some poor Roman Legion or another was mercilessly slaughtered by hoards of smelly barbarians with blue face paint and crude bronze and bone implements, so in that way it was quite appropriate for the modern Lamont, but these times, they are a changing - as that rock-and-roll song says, so those snarky and laggardly voters will just have to get over it at some point, I guess” she concluded bravely with only a hint of madness in her red, porcine, and shockingly/disturbingly beady little eyes!

“Well, of course we give all of our customers excellent service and Lamont, even with the “Rump Shaker”, is no exception, but I cannot help but see this refreshing change in the direction of the mid-20th century as a welcome social improvement” said an unnamed Century West Engineering professional who asked not to be identified to protect the privacy of her parrots and/or her bon-bon making "baroness" sister or whatever. (see previous story) “Normally, a world class organization like Century West would not even notice things like official town dance moves or whatever, but I guess that pretty much the whole town will break into those horrific and quite unsettling pelvic gyrations for almost any reason whatsoever, and that, over time, tends to add a level of unwelcome complexity and somewhat nauseating inefficiency to the projects that we do out there in Lamont. Sure, it is somewhat perversely quaint in a medieval, barbaric, pagan sort of way and all, but having scores of unnaturally energetic and well-fleshed rear-ends shaking all over the place every few minutes or so tends to distract from all those mathematical equations and stress load calculations that Century West is so famous for across the globe. We can and have worked successfully in that surreal environment for many years, of course, as demonstrated by the world class water system Lamont has, and those beautiful roads and sidewalks that solved the Town’s flooding problems, and of course with the new library that is currently under work, but as a general rule, reducing unnecessary and profoundly disturbing/stomach-churning distractions can only make the engineering environment that much more efficient and effective, that's all” she concluded with her usual understatement and genteel modesty while stroking the head of an African Gray parrot - a breed of bird (closely related to the doggone dinosaurs, for Pete's sake! Check out their feet!) that is rumored to be as smart as a human 5 year-old, for crying out loud!

Local Fish Shocked, Disgusted At Area Cat’s Utterly Inept, Almost Non-Existent Fishing Skills

2011-06-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

In a sad testament to the area feline population’s ability to adapt to the modern world with all of those ‘new fangled’ fish bowls and aquariums, not to mention vacuum cleaners, dispose-alls and other ear splitting devices like home coffee grinders that tend to send the supposed household 'alpha-predators' scurrying under the nearest bed, an area guppy has resorted to just shaking his head in disgust after almost 3 years of safely swimming in the same fish bowl in a house filled with numerous cats without the decidedly bored aquatic sojourner so much a suffering a scratch or losing a fin or part of his multi-colored tail or whatever, area fish bowl insiders report.

“Well, as a rule, guppies are known in the veterinarian community for their ‘devil-may-care’, some might say reckless disregard for all the instinctive protocols of personal safety and enlightened self-interest, so when one of the finned risk-takers is faced with a house full of supposedly efficient and predatory house cats, their natural tendency is to throw caution to the wind and take that challenge head on and to just see who comes out on top” said Dr. Susan Finkermann, 56, an area veterinarian and renowned fish expert. “So, contrary to all the known stereotypes about frightened fish fleeing to go hide in some brightly colored but 'hard to defend' underwater castle or whatever or to briskly retreat to some pathetic forest of fake plastic plants that should have, if the owner had any self-respect, been replaced years ago, the average guppy will swim right to the surface of whatever water they are in – taunting whatever primary predator that runs rough-shod in that particular ecosystem they find themselves in – even the common American household, or so it would appear. Anyway, this guppy, which still does not even have a proper name after who knows how many years - but who answers to the moniker “the fish”,(Editorial Note: The fish is unusually responsive - especially when accompanied with an expression of shock at having forgotten to dispense the fish food which, truth be known, seems to be an all-too-common occurrence for good taste, for Pete’s sake! I mean, how hard is it to remember to feed a fish once a day, for crying out loud!) Anyway, this intrepid terror of the seas will boldly swim right to the surface of the bowl as the seemingly normal but somewhat lackluster cats either try to claw at the sides of the glass enclosure and/or drink the fish bowl down to a more manageable level for attack or whatever. Who knows what the obviously limited ‘so-called’ predators are thinking, but whatever it is it is not very well formed nor well-thought out, given their decidedly dismal success rate after all these years!” said the animal expert with 22 years of hands on experience with the food chain. “It is all very disturbing and disconcerting, if you want my professional opinion” she said sadly, wondering why she went to Vet school in the first place and didn’t become a professional ballet dancer like that Russian woman, whatever her name is. (maybe being 6’2” and weighing 225 had something to do with that decision, too! Who knows!)

“Well, being a fan of police shows on TV, when I first got that guppy I just naturally assumed that the poor thing had some sort of death wish or whatever like the much vaulted “suicide by cop” technique used by some of the more disturbed perps, this guppy was attempting ‘suicide by cat’” said the guppy’s owner who asked not to be identified for obvious reasons (Can’t blame him there! Whoa!). “But then I began to observe this troubling behavior more closely and realized that the aquatic hell-raiser was in fact rushing the surface, slathered guppy fangs bared and at the ready, just looking for a fight to the finish! That was one disturbing life realization, let me assure you! I can safely say that I have not forgotten the fish food since, that is for sure! And I am even now working on coming up with an appropriate name for the thing, too. That is one creature that you don’t want to get on the wrong side of, let me tell you… I am just thankful that my cats are so inept and incompetent and have thus avoided the wrath of that cantankerous finned nightmare! That is all I need right now – an emergency trip to the vet to stitch up a paw or re-attach an ear or whatever.” he concluded solemnly while crossing himself and throwing salt over one shoulder before spitting three times.

Tearful Lamont Area Shocked, Grief-Stricken Upon News Of Tragic Passing Of TV Icon

2011-06-04T07:54:00.000-07:00

Flags were immediately lowered to half mast amid the sounds of wailing sobs and gnashing of teeth when word leaked out that one of the mainstays of the local culture, a true American icon in his own right, James Arness, died comfortably in his sleep at 88, and not somehow defending the decidedly tarnished honor of Miss Kitty or getting his somewhat malodorous sidekick Festus out of one of those scrapes he got himself into in almost every episode. Arness, who appeared in 34 films, 12 television shows and five Gunsmoke made-for-TV movies, achieved an even more vaulted status in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) where his portrayal of the towering Dodge City lawman with a heart of gold (and a six-shooter always at the ready!!) served as some sort of transformational influence and manly role model for area farmers/ranchers to revere and idolize, for whatever reason, given that he is just a fictional character.

“Dang it all, where was Doc when the Marshall was laid low? Where was that infernal saw-bones when the big man needed him to work his feeble magic?” shouted Goober Snopes, 56, an area rancher and co-chair of the Greater Lamont Bovine Association (GLBA), an area social and cultural organization. “I always knew that man was too weak and fumbling to come thru in a clutch! Oh, and poor Miss Kitty! I bet that poor fallen woman is just beside herself! I am sure she is driving herself into the poor house by giving away free shots of whiskey to every two-bit wrangler, thieving outlaw and no-good cattle rustler in a vain attempt to assuage her crushing grief - even though the Marshall never married her and made her an honest woman, although any dern fool could sense the romantic tension between the two of them! Oh, and I just know that Festus has gone back to the bottle again! He won’t live out the week, not with the good-hearted tomfoolery he manages to get himself into! Oh, this is just terrible! Oh, does this mean that those Gunsmoke marathons are going to decrease in frequency now that the best actor in the history of the stage has gone to the Pearly Gates?? If so, all I have to say is “Marshall, I ain’t far behind ya, brother!” he stammered tearfully, obviously suffering a broken heart and a somewhat misplaced sense of reality in the modern media age. “Oh, and what am I supposed to do with those three cases of pork rinds that UPS delivered to my single-wide just last week? It would be dang disloyal to partake in the delicate yet savory treats while watching any other show! I would feel like I was doing the Marshall and Miss Kitty dirty if I consumed my usual 3-4 bags watching ‘Big Valley’, ‘Bonanza’, ‘Wagon Train’, ‘Rawhide’ or ‘The Rifleman’! I just can’t soil the man’s memory like that!! Oh, what will I do with my life now? Now all I have is just sitting around the house, listening to the wife jabber on about how much she hates Lamont and to listen to all her insane plans for undermining the town so that they don’t ever have to use fire hydrants after all, their roads decay faster than expected, and that dern library with all that fancy book learning don’t ever get built! What sort of life is that for a rugged individualist battling the elements in the great American frontier, anyway? Oh, this is a dark day for all humanity, indeed! The end times are really upon us, just like my preacher at the area Cattleman’s church says! Oh, may the Lord have mercy on us all!” he whispered, gazing skyward with a look of a decidedly guilty man being unceremoniously frog-marched to the waiting gallows.

Those were not the only tears to be shed on the passing of this great man. At the American Pork Rind Association headquarters in Pigeon Forge, TN, ironically also home to that rancher vacation paradise “Dollywood”, gallons of moonshine were being sloshed around and several people were reported to have thrown themselves out of headquarter's windows (Thank goodness the building is only a single story!!!) because well over 90% of the nation’s pork rinds are consumed by farmers/ranchers in the Lamont area – and market research indicates that 90% of those are scarfed down during episodes of Gunsmoke! “Oh, we are ruined! Our once proud fried pig skin industry is going to the dustbin of history!” said a national pork rind spokesperson. “Darn you Marshall Dillon! Why couldn’t you live forever? Oh, what will we do now - especially since the Chinese have too much sense to eat fried pork skin?” she sobbed uncontrollably.

Local Tensions Mount As Yet Another Area Herd Falls Under Insidious Communist Domination

2011-05-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

In yet another crushing blow to the self-esteem and self-image of the 2nd smallest town in the Great State of Washington, for the third time in as many weeks a seemingly docile and placid herd of bovines has thrown off the yoke of tyranny and risen up against their oppressors in order to set up a so-called ‘Grazers Paradise’ right here in the Palouse, for crying out loud! This herd, formerly belonging to Scooter Bodine, age 57, finally took matters into their own hands after decades of exploitation, being subject to the yearly “culls” where loved ones are unceremoniously dragged off in the middle of the night and never seen again, where all the young males are shamelessly castrated on a yearly basis for the boss-man’s sadistic pleasure – as well as the daily indignities of having to endure the smell of those constant BBQ’s from the big rancher house (that is really a single-wide trailer – but is a lot fancier than the barn that never even gets a lick of paint or might get shoveled out once or twice a year, given that area farmer laziness that seems to pervade this small part of the Palouse, anyway!) and that same house, of course, is set on a hill so that it can look down on the herd, both physically and metaphorically. “Good gravy, man! That is the third time in as many weeks that a herd just went nuts!” bellowed Chester Festoon, 56, an area rancher whose herd is now showing signs of discontentment and restlessness after decades of supposed ‘peaceful coexistence’. “Heck, that is the natural order of things! The ranchers are on the top and can derive as much benefit and profit from the bodies of the cows as we see fit – and the cows are just supposed to sit there as we exploit them so we can earn enough money for our annual trip to that vacation wonderland – Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, for crying out loud! That’s the way the dadburn system works!” he ranted passionately, bordering on a really annoying temper-tantrum. “Those dern cows are put on this earth to enrich us just like our Cow Church says, and regardless of how awfully we treat them or how often we forget to take hay out to them in the dry months, it is their part of the bargain to just stand their dumbly and act like cows – not like a bunch of hot-blooded revolutionaries with all those banners and slogans who seem hell-bent on setting up some sort of bovine utopia where all fences are laid low, where the artificial distinction of the herd is done away with, and where each cow must give according to its ability while receiving according to its needs! That’s just insane! How does a rancher fit into that scenario? Where do I fit in under than new global paradigm? And what the heck am I supposed to do if that nonsense infects my herd! I can hardly bring myself to drive out to inspect the herd with all of those "stink eyes' those dang cows give me now! Its a powder keg out there, I tell you! And I just bought a new, only slightly used flatbed truck with those cool exhaust pipes that stick up about 12 feet and make all that noise and the wife just put a 5 year supply of jumbo sized ‘Daisy Duke shorts’ on our dadburn credit card! (that was darn near maxed out from all those pork rind purchases! Whoa!) That is the last thing I need right now – this crazy bovine insurrection nonsense that is committed to destroying the established order of things! This is all just so disconcerting and confusing! Dang it all! I knew I should have stayed in school past the 8th grade – then maybe I might be able to figure out what to do!” he sniveled annoyingly! "Oh daddy, I know I was a rotten son, but please come back from the grave to tell me what to do with the commie infested herd! I know I was the dumbest of your sons so of course I inherited the ranch and all, but I need you now, daddy! Oh, daddy!" he whined pathetically while falling to his knees and sobbing!

“Well, with the fall of the Berlin Wall all those decades ago, Americans somehow grew complacent and lost their vigilance in the face of what was the biggest threat to our capitalistic system in the 20th century” said Dr. Festus Snopes, an area bovine political scientist. “So, it is somewhat ironic that the minute we no longer have to obsess over all of those ‘communist hoards’ sweeping over us, now we are faced with something even more diabolical and frightening – ‘communist herds’!! (Okay, we know you saw that one coming a mile away!) And these dern caldrons of political instability are right in our own backyard – and in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and maybe even in the District of Columbia, although the nation’s capitol has always been a hotbed of leftist commie intrigue and so that is no real surprise, if you think about it. I just don’t see how the Good Ol’ USA is going to pull these chestnuts from the fire of international revolutionary bovine zeal and all of that. I do find it ironic that the commie masterminds would see fit to unleash their nefarious plans at the nation’s weakest point – the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) where farmers and ranchers are against libraries, flush toilets, painting town buildings after 60 years of decay, one-man-one-vote, and where even area church leaders support drunken mobs to help undermine the existing American institutions that we all take for granted - to say nothing about supporting the local crime families against the existing governmental entities tasked with maintaining law and order. Yep, they struck at America’s weakest point – and now there will be hell to pay for all of us!” he said gravely while rushing down into his root cellar with 3-4 cases of cheap beer, just in case things go south more quickly than expected!

Royal News: Century West Engineering's Erika, “The Parrot Princess”, Is The Biological Sister Of Notorious “Baroness d'Bon-Bon”

2011-05-22T08:10:00.000-07:00

In a stunning testament that breeding and genetic lineage is in fact 98.6% of success in life after all, in spite of all of that ‘make hay while the sun shines’, 'a stitch in time, saves nine' and, of course, that stupid ‘keep your nose to the grindstone’ nonsense that people, mainly parents, mother-in-laws and those pesky employers, like to endlessly yammer on about - an area gathering of seemingly normal citizens were observed chanting “We are not worthy, Lea!!” and “Baroness d'Bon-bon! Baroness d'Bon-bon!” after a local man allowed a few choice intimates to sample a shockingly generous assortment of homemade bon-bons given to him by Lea, the sister of Erika of Century West Engineering fame, aka ‘The uber-goddess of efficiency’. These said bon-bons, if that inadequate and decidedly plebeian term can be used in regard to such culinary excellence, (like calling the Mona Lisa 'one of them old paintings' or whatever!) were the source of widespread civil discord after proving once and for all that ‘No one can eat just one”.

“Well, I was trying to be nice and all and give a few of the church ladies a taste of excellence and refinement long absent in the stodgy wastes of Eastern Washington when the next thing I knew I was being pummeled senseless by countless purses as the suddenly enraged and desperate mob of normally genteel and erudite church ladies made a kamikaze lunge for my not unlimited bon-bon bag” said an area man who, although his bloodline and genetic lineage is suspect (to say the least!!) somehow befriended the quite capable and efficient Erika (truth be known, she took pity on the poor wretch, and made some vain and futile attempt to ‘rescue’ him from his own inane and self-destructive nature although his obviously inferior genetic makeup and decidedly withered family tree negated these gallant efforts quite easily) and thus she gave him some of these rare and beautiful ‘bon-bons’ made by her equally excellent and quite capable sister, Lea, the so-called 'Baroness' from the "Bon-bon region' of one of those European countries over there or whatever, late last week.

“So, when I finally regained consciousness and managed to splash a little cold water on all of those facial bruises shaped just like purse buckles, I happened to glance around the corner and there they were, joined by their men-folk now, on bended knee, rumps pointing gallantly at the sky, pleading in the general direction of Erika’s outrageously talented and obviously generous sister Lea for more of the smooth, creamy, dainty delicacies (That pack a chocolate punch! Whoa!) and that were so good even a man would eat them! Sadly for all of us, there were any number of professional plumbers in the kneeling crowd, and to be quite honest, I could very easily go the rest of my life without witnessing that horrid sight again! Whatever happened to Nancy Reagan’s “Just say no to crack’ campaign, anyway? And right there in church, too!! Needless to say, the sight of those pasty white horrors pretty much turned me away from food in general, although those homemade bon-bons exist on some higher plane than that, so it was with no small amount of sadness that I glanced down at my feet (where he was missing one shoe from that unfortunate melee!) and saw the battered remains of the once proud bon-bon bag, ripped asunder as if by the fury of a 1000 hounds of hell, with traces of what appeared to be human saliva still glistening in the gentle Spring sunlight. It was all very disconcerting and confusing!” he stammered pathetically. (Let the record show that this poor sap did in fact get his butt whooped by a bunch of matronly, AARP card-carrying church ladies! Oh, how sad is that? Oh, the shame must be unbearable!)

(Editorial Note: As of this writing, 100’s of area residents are going door-to-door, randomly canvassing the Greater Spokane Metropolitan Area, desperately inquiring “Are you Lea, Erika’s sister? Do you know where her Ladyship the Baroness Lea lives?” and/or frantically attempting to capture the scent of fresh, delicious chocolate somehow wafting, by chance, on the gentle breeze. And for the record, allocating differing titles to sisters with all those decades of sibling rivalry is, of course, a wise and prudent move. (Thus one is a princess and one a baroness! Plus, baroness and bon-bon both start with 'B', which somehow makes sense, we guess!) If you are ever dern fool enough to go running off half cocked and inadvertently give two sisters the same title, well, it is safe to assume that you are more than likely hours or even minutes away from a hair pulling, no-holds-barred chick fight - so it is just generally prudent to provide at least a modicum of differentiation, however superficial or symbolic that distinction may in fact be. Thank you!)

“Enough time has passed already! Lamont now needs a flush toilet!” Warns Powerful Local Samurai Warlord

2011-05-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

Another influential and potentially cranky area resident has decided ‘enough is enough’ and has thrown his considerable prestige, not to mention his quite impressive hand-to-hand combat skills, in with the growing chorus of people who now feel that Lamont has gone long enough without a device that most other real, normal, fully-functioning towns have had for well over 100 years, the obviously misunderstood yet humble 'flush toilet'. Mr. Toranaga, when he is not out crushing his enemies or throwing invading Mongol hoards back into the sea where they belong, lives at 1102 Garfield St in Lamont where he tends his rock garden, writes haiku poetry in some strange language that doesn’t even use real letters, and has friends over for some highly ritualized tea ceremony that no Westerner could ever really understand. (and that takes about 8 hours to complete, for Pete's sake!)

“Well, this is bushido!” said the outwardly calm yet obviously agitated local warlord whose bloodline stretches back unbroken for over 200 generations – almost as long as the Emperor of Japan's himself. “It is bad enough that the area firefighters thought they could fight fires the way Japanese peasants fought them in the 16th Century – by carting water in buckets to the fire – and although the buckets these people chose to use were somewhat bigger, the concept was still the same – only the scale was different. So, just like using a fire hydrant is an idea whose time has come, it is also time for Lamont to break out of its shocking lethergy and put in a flush toilet. I mean, come on!” said Toranaga-sama in a calm, cool voice that lets everyone know that heads are about to roll, quite literally, if his sage advice is not heeded promptly. “Heck, in rural Japan in the 15th and 16th centuries, using your Western calendar, of course, even the most primitive of Eta or the lowliest shopkeeper could manage some kind of setup for the so-called ‘call of nature’. So, if these uneducated peasants could manage this feat over 500 years ago, can someone please tell me why Lamont has not been able to accomplish this after 100 years of being a town in the country that put a man on the moon? Sheesh! That is pretty sad" he said thoughtfully while shaking that big helmet-looking thing with those frightening although somewhat impractical horns back and forth or whatever.

(Editorial Note: The term ‘Bushido’ refers to the Samurai code of conduct, and should not be confused with a similar local word that somehow refers to one of several of those unfortunate ‘cow byproducts’ that make Lamont so famous. So before you church ninnies go getting all up in arms shouting from the rooftops “The Lamont Blog cussed, the Lamont Blog cussed!!”, might we suggest you do a little research, maybe in the soon to be open Lamont Library, and/or read the quite excellent book “Shogun” by James Clavell. I know reading a book will naturally lower your social standing within your relative social network, but opening up yourself to the world can only provide a level of comfort and understanding that is so obviously lacking in a life filled with watching cows graze, badmouthing the Town, shoveling manure (same thing as badmouthing the Town!!) and watching Gunsmoke reruns while eating pork rinds. Thank you!)

Area Cattleman Church Releases Own Version Of “10 Commandments” With Controversial “Unless Thou Owneth Cows” Clause Tacked To Each

2011-05-13T15:04:00.000-07:00

In yet another sad episode in the long, slow decline of Christianity in this part of America, an area cow church finally put into writing what they have long agreed to and felt when they decided to have special bibles printed (with cow hide covers, no less!) that modified the once written in stone ’10 Commandments’ to something that more closely matches their actual world view and the way they have treated others for as long as anyone in these parts can remember. These area ‘church members’ have long assumed and acted like the petty, demeaning rules of man didn’t apply to them, so in reality this slight expansion (to them) of exempting themselves from the Laws of God is not that big of a deal, or so they claim at every opportunity. “Heck, what is all the fuss about?” asked Wilber Snopes, 54, an area cow church board member. “We own cows, and God is the one who gave us those cows, although we, of course, take all the credit, and so do you really think He would have given us those cows with all the local snob appeal that holds if He intended for those silly rules to apply to us – like they apply to those stupid, cow-less, non-rancher saps who we farm-folk all look down upon with disgust and loathing? You know, my daddy got this here land from his daddy who got it free from the government, and I in turn got it from my old man, so thank goodness the laws of inheritance enable our obnoxious, earthy family behavior to be passed from generation to generation, slowly poisoning the whole dern area unto death!” he said with a crazy mixture of pride and genuine exasperation with the confusion over cow ownership being the lynch-pin of true human dominance. “Heck, we are obviously God’s chosen cow-owning people and can do what the dern heck we want, even if that goes against the very bible itself, because when you have cows that means the rules (for those little people!) don’t apply to you, regardless of who makes them – even the Lord Himself, right?" he gushed blasphemously with the twinkle in the eye of the truly insane. "And as our church proves, you can make that there so-called bible say any dern thing you want it to, as long as you are dealing with bible illiterates. We are living proof of that concept, yes sir!" he stammered smugly.

"How else do you think we as a group could oppose using fire hydrants in the town with a clear conscience, even though that put the lives and property of those pathetic cow-less losers at greater risk? And how do you think we managed to sleep like little babies when we shamelessly and inappropriately injected ourselves into town politics for decades on end to ensure the town withered on the vine, (while ignoring their actual bible-defined mission!!) even though the bible, which we obviously love to use as a weapon, not as a guide for our own behavior as it was intended, clearly states that we should “Give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s”? Oh yeah, and how else could we oppose the new library after shamelessly ginning up (no pun intended!) a drunken mob to oppose it, even though we do not live within the town and don’t have an actual legal say in the matter, although our misplaced pride and obnoxious controlling natures demand that we shamelessly meddle in everyone else’s lives while not giving ours even a second thought? Oh, and of course we worship on Sunday, the historical day for worship of the 'Sun god", although the 4th Commandment clearly says to remember the Sabbath (Friday evening at sunset to Saturday evening at sunset) – but of course we know better than whoever wrote that thing and, of course, that gives us the opportunity to follow our actual spiritual role model, the shamelessly pagan Roman leader Constantine, who unilaterally changed the date of Christian worship so that the various 'Sun' worshiping pagan groups (thus "Sunday') in the Roman empire would not go getting all upset and go tearing up the place or whatever. (you know how those pagan types tend to fly off the handle at the drop of the hat and are just looking for a reason to revolt or whatever!) Now that was a man who understood how to use Christianity for worldly political and financial gain! One cannot help but admire the man for that! What a genius! I even named my favorite cow Constantine!" he said proudly while pulling a photo of the suspect bovine from his wallet.

"So, you don’t do all those sort of things as a so-called church for decades on end if you are beholden to some supposed book that tells you what you can and can't do. That would just be so limiting, wouldn’t it? How silly! And who cares if there is not a single, solitary person from the town who attends our cow church (who doesn’t work there and derive benefit from the enterprise, that is) – because none of them townie losers actually own cows, now do they – and who would want people like that who are so obviously in disfavor with the Lord sitting next to you in the doggone pew, for crying out loud?? (Those cow-less wretches don't even have the decency to have a fresh coating of manure on their fancy church boots or whatever like a proper cow-churcher should! That fact alone would just be so culturally out of context for the setting and thus inappropriate!!) The very fact that we have cows shows the world and certainly that stupid town that we all want to see slowly die thru neglect and strife that we are in His favor and thus His true inquisitor-like emissaries, and thus we can treat the other area residents as badly and with as much real contempt and scorn as we want. That is half the fun of owning cows! I am just sad that burning people at the stake went out of style all those years ago. Now that would set the cotton-pickin' pecking order in these parts once and for all, now wouldn't it? Hey! We own cows! They don't!! Can’t you see that? It can't get much clearer than that!” he fumed with genuine confusion and befuddlement while maliciously cramming the malodorous toe of his brightly colored, manure-encrusted cowboy boot (with all that fancy flowery stitching!) into some unfortunate mole's hole - thus forcing the poor thing to move it's small family to another part of the yard to get away from the smell, for Pete's sake!

(Editorial Note: For the sake of brevity, we left off the part about the 'Cow Church's' somewhat ironic fascination with their own much-revered 'golden calf', given that that said golden calf in this case is in fact their own narcissistic, self-absorbed and obviously inflated sense of self-importance and supposed superiority over others, mainly those living in the poor town of Lamont. That whole concept was just too complex and outrageous (to say nothing of shocking/troubling!) to try to explain in the space alloted by this humble yet obviously frugal news organ. Thank you!!)

Lamont Blog Stock Price Plummets On News Of Coming Global Shortage Of Wacky Parrot-Related Stories

2011-05-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

The Lamont Blog, a 'Fortune 500' Wall Street powerhouse and vast media empire whose influence and reputation since its founding in 2008 has almost stretched to the Adams County line in Eastern Washington, faced a vast sell-off after industry analysts predicted that Erika, that so-called ‘uber-goddess of efficiency’ from the best engineering firm in the whole darn world, Century West, was “experiencing overall life contentment’ and thus was expected to be ‘too busy’ and ‘doing more important, truly meaningful things’ to produce one of the vital core ingredients that has made the Lamont Blog the media titan that it is, whatever that means, anyway.

“The Lamont Blog has dominated the media market in far, far, far Northwest Whitman County, WA with a somewhat 'unique and varied' mix of cutting-edge real-life news articles on topics ranging from unfortunate alien encounters, cows, citizens who refuse to modernize past the year 1700, cows, area church politics, cows, in-depth and disturbingly accurate psychological profiles of area ranchers (not the national ones! Whoa! We have a unique situation out here, people!), and, of course, cows – with a recent Pulitzer Prize winning expose’ on the area fire fighters not wanting to use a simple fire hydrant, if anyone can believe that one, (yes, it does stretch credulity!) but the bedrock and true anchor of their media empire has always been the occasional parrot story and the messes those crazy birds can get themselves into” said Wilber Vanderbilt III, a senior Wall Street Analyst. “And given the tenuous global economy and the fact that improved social and economic conditions have necessitated that the world’s primary source of parrot trivia, a certain Erika, is now primarily focused on her nice family, her cutting edge job with an engineering powerhouse, hob-nobbing with 'the beautiful people', and, of course, managing her quite successful regional ‘parrot rescue’ program, so the Lamont Blog is basically left high and dry to twist in the wind!” said analyst Vanderbilt from his fancy-pants New York City office. “A shortage of parrot related stories and/or the raw materials that compose them has always been the Lamont Blog’s strategic ‘Achilles Heel’, and we had no choice but to downgrade the Lamont Blog stock evaluation after Erika released a somewhat terse statement saying she was ‘just too busy now-a-days’ and that she ‘just didn’t have time to share stories that no one ever reads!”.

Shares of the Lamont Blog (NYSE: Lablog) traded sharply lower at the opening bell, trading at $62.47, down from their yearly high of $146.21 achieved earlier this year when a boxing kangaroo beat the tar out of the whole darn town and the Lamont Blog had a basic monopoly on that outrageous undertaking. “I just don’t see how the Lamont Blog can recover from this level of international parrot-related insecurity, not in today’s over-crowded Blog environment and with the dollar in the shape that it is in!” said Vanderbilt. “The sun might be setting on the Lamont Blog after all, thanks to that obviously industrious Erika having a happy, fun-filled, rewarding, rich life where she cannot be bothered with industry ‘show-stoppers’ like a somewhat steady stream of parrot lore - like that time the dern bird of hers imitated the oven timer at a family gathering, ruining the Christmas turkey as some sort of greater avian social protest or like when that parrot she adopted decided to raise a whole doggone litter of abandoned kittens, just to show that the species doesn’t carry a grudge!!” The Lamont Blog did not return phone calls for this article, presumably because they are sniveling about the unfairness of it all and/or because they are fixing up their house so they can move to New Mexico, should the weather ever remain good enough to actually finish up all that ‘outside stuff’.

Entire Nation Jubilant After Troublemaking Cow, ‘Rosie Bin Grazin’ Dispatched To Meat Processing Plant In Daring Midnight Raid

2011-05-02T11:38:00.000-07:00

A thankful sigh of relief was released by the nation’s collective throats after America’s ‘Public Bovine Enemy #1’ was finally brought to justice after years of unspeakable outrages like head-butting other members of the herd, going to the bathroom on the fresh hay and, of course, hogging the saltlick when other cows were obviously waiting. Bin Grazin, age 4, came from an affluent Oregon ranch and was raised in relative luxury, but was expelled from the herd of its birth after showing signs of anti-social behavior that only got worse over the years. (Of course the beastly bovine would end up in Lamont! Oh, why is it always thus?) “Well, this is truly a remarkable day for all Americans!” said Peter Turnkey, a Food and Drug Administration representative currently on a top-secret assignment with Homeland Security. “It took many years, but finally the full intelligence assets of the United States were able to track this monster to a secluded gulch out behind the Bodine ranch 7 miles outside of Lamont, WA! This is an intelligence success of the first order, and credit needs to go to those brave heroes who risked their lives in bringing this sad saga to a close for all of us! May God continue to bless the United States of America! We have so much to be thankful for! USA! USA! USA! USA!” he gushed insanely.

“Well, we got the call at approximately 11:27 PM and were ordered to pack our gear and ship out in under 30 minutes” said Wilbur Snopes, 24, one of the farm hand heroes who was on the clandestine late night mission. “Sure, things were tense as we all loaded onto the back of one of those flatbed trucks that seem to be all the rage in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA). Although fear is a natural byproduct of this sort of mission and needs to be controlled and channeled, never denied, we just all had to fall back on our training and hope that our lassoes and cattle prods didn’t fail us when things got hot. We just did what we were trained for – and things went our way, thank goodness. We were all very fortunate, but those long hours of reading farm supply catalogs and observing the herd from afar certainly paid dividends when the chips were down. This country is very fortunate to have a trained core cadre of bovine professionals upon which to call when the big tasks need to go down – and thankfully I am one of those rare and quite extraordinary individuals with the talents, bravery, gumption and verve that this nation obviously cannot live without!” he said with the usual outrageous lack of farmer modesty and grossly inflated sense of self-importance.

At approximately 12:02 PM PST, Farm Hand Squad # 6 were delivered to the forbidding, isolated gulch and immediately engaged a number of other cows who were obviously there to protect Bin Grazin. After a brief skirmish where as many of 6 of these co-conspirators had to be wrestled to the ground rodeo fashion and hog-tied or calf-roped or whatever that is called, the team was eventually able to confront Bin Grazin directly. The team leader, Bubba Bodine, 46, made the offer for Bin Grazin to surrender, but the committed trouble-maker chose to fight it out to the end so the insertion team had no choice but to use force and man-handle the reprobate into a waiting cattle truck that immediately began the long haul to that meat processing plant in Idaho with an armed escort of trained ranchers to ensure a ‘Mission Accomplished’ once and for all so the opportunistic Democrats can't whine and wring their hands in mock outrage (like a bunch of ninnies!!) for decades to come. Although local and national leaders are naturally pleased with the outcome of this daring mission, they caution their fellow Americans that just because one trouble-making cow was finally brought to justice, there is still a dangerous network of bovine extremists out there that can still make our lives a living hell at a time and place of their choosing. Insiders report that Bin Grazin would have, in fact, been buried at sea, but we live in Eastern Washington and it is a long way to the ocean, (where that fancy-pants Long Beach is!) and with the price of beef on the hoof being what it is, that just didn't seem sensible somehow, if you think about it.

Escaped Boxing Kangaroo Runs Amok, Somehow ‘KO’s” Whole Dern Town!!

2011-04-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

In yet another crushing blow to small town America in general and Eastern Washington in particular, the entire town of Lamont was rendered senseless in a matter of minutes after a cute, sweet, lovable kangaroo just passing thru with a travelling circus got loose and proceeded to ‘open up a couple of cans of whoop tush’ for no doggone reason, late Tuesday. The circus, one of those small outfits that travel from town to town bringing joy and happiness to millions of children, somehow got lost and ended up on that fateful Highway 23 that runs right past Lamont, a town that has enough problems without some doggone animal that ain’t even from America pummeling the entire citizenry into unconsciousness in less time than it takes to throw a couple of shrimp on the ‘barbie’ or whatever, for Pete’s sake.

“Well, I am not sure what triggered him! We’ve never seen him just go nuts like that before!” said Martin Weaver, the stunned circus owner. “We noticed him getting a little antsy in has cage the closer we got to Lamont, but as soon as we passed Lamont Road, he just picked the lock, hopped down the road towards the town and the next thing we knew there were bodies laying everywhere. Oh, it was horrid. It was like he just sensed that something was just not right there and in some sort of heroic animal sort of way, I think he was trying to protect humanity from whatever it is about Lamont that makes it – well – Lamont” he said with a mixture of pride, admiration and some residual fear. “Kangaroos are peace loving animals. We just can’t understand what set him off!” he concluded.

'So, I heard a knock on the door and I just assumed it was one of those boys who drive all over town day or night trying to borrow money that they will never pay back - when the next thing I knew this tall, lanky brown blur gave me a couple of jabs to the bread basket then an uppercut that sent me to the tattered carpet I have been meaning to replace in my living-room" said Melba Festoon, 82, an area farm/ranch matriarch and general busybody/nose bag. "And the next thing I knew I heard this hopping sound going down my sidewalk and there was a similar knock on Old Lady Bodine's door next-door. I hope that dern kangaroo really let her have it for stealing my peanut butter battered rocky mountain oyster recipe and giving it to all her friends! I'll never forgive that woman over that one!" she fumed, holding a piece of liver to her now blackening eye!

“Oh, nice! That is all we need right now!” said a former mayor who asked not to be identified with the town. “Sure, when I was the mayor, we had issues like firefighters not wanting to use a million dollar fire hydrant system – and then everyone got mad when we painted the fire station after 60 years of decay, and there was a minor rancher revolt when we bought the first town vehicle after 98 years of being a town, and there was that little insane event related to people protesting getting a new library and folks wanting to park fire trucks in the darn thing right next to the encyclopedias! Yeah, those were bad enough – humiliating to all Americans, in fact, but at least on my watch the entire citizenry didn't get their butts kicked by some travelling marsupial with an attitude problem and a sense of social justice! Oh, thank goodness that didn't happen on my watch! Oh, every cloud does indeed have a silver lining!” he sighed thankfully.

Town of Lamont On “Short List” For 2012 Nobel Peace Prize, Insiders Report

2011-04-24T17:45:00.000-07:00

The Town of Lamont, a humble berg with fewer than 100 souls nestled tightly against the icy bosom of the Scablands in the eastern portion of the Great State of Washington, once again is drawing international attention after their new, highly capable mayor (and who says that actually doing something cannot ever be an asset, even in this part of the Wheat Belt!) and a largely reshaped Town Council finally managed to get a binding agreement ensuring fire hydrant usage in the town, thus ending the so-called 'Hydrant Wars", in spite of the fact that many local citizens and a sizable portion of the area farmers/ranchers (many of them fire fighters or having fire fighters in their families!) were dead set against using the doggone things in case of a fire emergency because that would be 'doing something new', for crying out loud! (This is Lamont, after all! It took the town 98 years to buy their first vehicle!) This ‘rapprochement’, if one may be so bold as to use a foreign word that means ‘coming together’ or something like that, has drawn the admiration and appreciation of peace advocates as diverse as Jimmy Carter, Bill Richardson and, of course, Santa Claus himself. (I mean, how many years can the whole darn Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) be on the ‘Naughty List’ because a few lazy, backward-looking people don’t want to use a fire fighting device that has been in common usage across the globe for well over 100 years, for Pete’s sake?)

“Well, given the decidedly irrational and quite stunning opposition to and hatred for an inanimate object (the lowly fire hydrant!), and the very fact that a vast majority of the area laggards now agree that using the darn things in case of an emergency is suddenly a good idea, especially since the tax payers forked over more than $1,000,000 for the things a few short years ago, well, this is surely one of the biggest peace break-thrus we have seen since the end of WWII or whatever!!” said Sven Norseberg, a rosy-cheeked Nobel prize spokesperson from one of those crazy Scandinavian countries that now give away fancy prizes instead of what they have historically unleashed on the civilized world - sending a bunch of big, hairy, smelly, somewhat cranky Vikings to hack things up with battle axes while in search of plunder or whatever! “And Mr. Nobel, who, as we all know, invented dynamite that has sent millions of people to the great beyond thru war and botched train robberies (Editorial Note: Hey, don’t forget about how easy it is now to get rid of a stubborn tree stump! Way to go, Nobel dude! And what is more fun than blowing stuff up?) – anyway, Mr. Nobel is smiling in his grave right now over the new peace that has descended between the Town of Lamont’s fire hydrants on the one hand and a bunch of angry people who don’t see anything wrong with filling up a truck with water, even in winter, and carting it to a blazing inferno even though there is a fire hydrant right next to the blaze! Now, if the Arabs and Israelis would just follow Lamont’s example here, maybe we could spend less time down there in the doggone Middle Eastern desert where it gets to like 200 degrees or whatever and the only meat comes from a smelly goat! Oh yeah, and you know how we Scandinavians get sunburned really easily. Heck, five minutes in the sun and the wife calls me her precious ‘little lobster’ while pinching my scarlet cheeks or giving me a good thunk on the back with her quite sizable open hand!! I just hate that! It is all very undignified and quite unnecessary!! I don't see that blasted woman getting any "Peace Prize" anytime soon, at least not if I have any say in the matter! No sir! Not with that attitude and careless disregard for the pain and suffering of others!!” he fumed indignantly, thankfully not working himself up into one of those Viking ‘berserker’ rages or whatever those Vikings worked themselves up into when they terrorized the whole darn known world! (Well, if they gave the Nobel Peace Prize to Obama for no obvious, easily discernible reason, they are obviously just passing the dern things out over there like candy or whatever! So what is wrong with giving one to that Viking dude's wife with the huge hands? Heck, why not? That just seems unfair somehow!)

Area Man Thinks ‘Feng Shui’ Is Name Of That Crazy Dictator Guy Who Runs ‘One Of Them Dern Korean Countries’ Over Yonder

2011-04-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

In yet another chilling tombstone in the vast learning graveyard that is the modern American education system, (at least in these parts, anyway) an area man, Skeeter ‘Punch Bowl’ Bodine, 44, an area farmer/rancher, also known by some in the local area as some sort of ‘smarty pants’ and/or a ‘dadburn bookworm’ because he currently serves with distinction on an area church board and often reads the whole church bulletin front to back (when he ain't leafing thru some hunting or survivalist magazine!), threw caution to the wind and began delving into the relatively deep waters of international politics when he quite brazenly declared “Who the heck do you think you are, Mister Feng Shui, that dern dictator feller of ‘East Korea’ or something?” when nicely asked by a humble, unassuming town official to clean up some of the 30-odd junk cars in his yard and to keep his dogs, (a sad-looking bunch that appears to have some coyote or badger of something unnatural in their bloodline) under control so that they do not become a nuisance to the Town. “Heck, if I didn’t come from a long line of draft dodgers and others who could not legally join the military because of their quite shocking and extensive and varied criminal records and/or the fact that they were actually in ‘The Big House’ at the time that war started, my family would have fought in that there Korean war over there in the Middle East or whatever and we would not even have some dern dictator like Feng Shui to mess up the American hegemony (pronounced ‘hedge-ER-moan-EE’), for Pete’s sake!” he rambled incoherently yet with the passion of the hopelessly ignorant. “This is America! If we want to junk up the place, lower property values for our neighbors and allow our dogs to attack school children, then that is what this here Democracy allows us to do – unlike what that little fancy-pants Mr. Feng or Mr. Shui or whatever that little dictators dern name is would have us to do while marching in that there ‘Red Square’ or where ever that place is with all them funny looking buildings and old, serious looking guys with gray coats and really massive moustaches or whatever!” he concluded, mangling the already overburdened English language to a degree rarely achieved by sober, sane native English speakers in this or any other age.

Legal News: Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) Sued For Copyright Infringement By Producers Of ‘The Dukes Of Hazard’ TV Show

2011-04-11T14:45:00.000-07:00

In a troubling case of intellectual property rights that is almost certain to land Lamont in front of the quite understandably disgusted US Supreme Court for the third time in as many years, (On 3 completely different cases, for Pete's sake! What are the chances?) the producers of the hit TV show ’The Dukes of Hazard’, (a mindless story about a bunch of ‘Good Old Boys”, never meaning no harm, who were, as is commonly understood, in trouble with the law from the day they were born or whatever) – anyway, this copyrighted material is subject to the intellectual property statutes of the United States and the producers feel that Lamont and the surrounding area have infringed upon those rights by shamelessly attempting to copy almost every aspect of the show in their normal, routine, civic discourse.

“Well, as hard as it is to believe, it would appear that one of the smallest towns in the State of Washington has taken an extraordinary and quite suspect step to mimic and infringe upon one of the most successful (and annoying!!!) hit TV shows of the 1970’s and 1980’s” said Melvin Finklestein, a lawyer for the TV producers. “Now, it would not be surprising to find, thru sheer statistical chance, a town with a small number of overlaps with that TV show - but Lamont seems, in our learned legal opinion, to have crossed that line in a very actionable way. I mean, the TV show had ‘Cooter’ and Lamont has at least 5 ‘Scooters’ (and 3 'Skeeters", for Pete's sake!! Oh, and who knows how many 'Bubbas' - almost half of which are women!!), the show had Boss Hogg and Lamont has that largely mean-spirited and incompetent guy who tries to run everything and belong to every conceivable organization and governmental entity even though he does not even live in the town and his ranch is going to hell in a hand basket! The list just goes on and on. But the kicker involved that small screen icon – Daisy Duke. I think that any reasonable jury would conclude that the sheer number of area women, regardless of age or whatever, who somehow cram themselves into ‘Daisy Duke shorts', (Oh, some things are just so wrong!) regardless of the weather, is a clear violation of our intellectual property rights! And I won’t even mention all of the local grease-covered throw-backs who, in some sad and pathetic attempt (although obviously successful in these parts!) to impress the local females want to drive around in brightly colored gas-guzzlers that went out of style well over 40 years ago. To say that is random chance just stretches the very fibers of credulity, for crying out loud! If the Lamont area, (mostly outside the town) wants to base their whole lives on some fictional TV show set in a mythical Hazard County, GA, that is their business, but we need to be compensated for it, that’s all!” he concluded while brushing off a piece of cow manure from his $400, hand-tooled Gucci loafers.

“Well, sure, the wife, (who he affectionately calls 'Daisy!) especially since she got on the shady side of 40 and went on that all carb diet like some sort of religious zealot or something – anyway, sure, she became overly fond of ‘Daisy Duke shorts’ in all weather conditions and regardless of the social occasion, but who is to say she got that idea from what just happens to be the best dern show in the history of the whole doggone world??” said Goober Festoon, wiping his hands on his grease-covered overalls that probably haven’t been washed since the show was thankfully taken off the air in the mid-1980's. "And yeah, having a yard full of junk cars is kind of ‘Hazard County’, but who in their right mind doesn’t feel rich and successful by having a bunch of rusted hulks in the front yard for the dogs to sleep under? How would the tetanus shot industry stay in business without people like us?” he mused thoughtfully, showing a surprising level of social sensitivity. (And why do bad dogs, bad kids and junk always seem to come together, anyway?) “And yeah, my sons do drive all around this country, giving the ‘Rebel Yell’ (and the middle finger when they ain't feeling too lazy and/or the Sheriff ain't about!) and throwing up gravel when they should be working but that is half the fun of being on welfare in the good old USA! That is what made this country great! This is just one of them lawyer tricks to try to squeeze a few shekels from the backbone of true Americans, if you ask me. And as for that whole Boss Hogg thing, a town like Lamont needs a strong-man in order to stop any 'big city' progress (like flush toilets and using fire hydrants in case of an emergency requiring a whole lot of water in a hurry!!) and allow the place to decline and decay faster than it normally would if left untended! So if he just so happens to put more than a few dollars in his own dadburn pocket by giving his uneducated wife a make-work job with every unfortunate organization he supposedly serves/destroys, what is wrong with that, for Pete’s sake?” he stammered with at least feigned outrage, given that the two men go to the area cow church together and you know how they are. “But now we got that new, smart, college-educated (pronounced ‘ed-U-cated’!!) mayor so it looks like the heady days of Hazard County in Eastern Washington might be coming to an end on their own" he said sadly. "So it don’t make no sense bothering that poor US Supreme Court none, if you ask me!” he concluded before unleashing a huge stream of tobacco juice at an unfortunately curious ground squirrel.

Area Leaders Jittery After Dramatic Increase In ‘Background Chatter’ Amongst Local Radical Bovine Extremist Groups

2011-04-10T18:26:00.000-07:00

As if the 2nd smallest town in the State didn’t have enough to worry about with its citizenry’s general disregard for the benefits of fire hydrants, a truly shocking level of tooth loss and the sad fact that it does not even have a single dadburn store, security insiders who keep track of those sort of things raised the alarm after clandestine intelligence sources embedded in the fundamentalist herds confirmed a dramatic rise in “chatter” amongst bovine organizations long known to be committed to the violent overthrow of “The Great Satan” himself – the ranchers who have long exploited their very lives for some tawdry and seemingly unfair personal gain or whatever. “Well, we ain’t exactly sure what all them alert colors are supposed to be or nothing, but we feel that we got us a real tiger by the tail here, so what the heck – let’s just pick one – I always did like red – it reminds me of my brothers behind after my pappy got done with him when we was kids” chuckled Scooter 'Skid-King' Festoon, an area rancher and Director of the somewhat overrated Lamont FBI – the Farmer Bureau of Investigation. “Heck, cows may look dumb and all, but they are as crafty and conniving as all get out! And you go getting some outside cow raised in one of them countries over yonder that don't even speak no English and use all them curlicue letters or whatever, and the next thing you know the whole dern herd has got their tails all in a snit and they start demanding the abolition of fences, access to green pastures 5 times a day, where their heifers are denied the salt-lick and where they all clamor to be governed by something called “Bovine Law”! It’s just plain craziness, I tell you! And we ain’t two doggone shakes of a lambs tail away from the ultimate cow jihad tactic of them all, a full-fledged, earth-pounding, hoof-churning stampede, for Pete’s sake!” he sniveled annoyingly while dragging 8-10 cases of cheap beer into the storm cellar for his family to subsist off of should things go south in a hurry or whatever! “Heck, all we need now is some crazy preacher someplace burning their holy book or what not – the “Cow-ran” – oh, that is all we need right now!!! We’d have the mother of all stampedes and their ain’t no telling where the whole dern mess would end up at” he whined pathetically – wondering why he never decided to raise sheep like his really smart brother did.

(Editorial Note: Oh, please tell us he DID NOT just say that about the 'Cow-ran'!!! He DID NOT just go there, did he? (BTW, he lives on Elvis Presley Road outside of town - not within the Lamont limits itself! So go trample or head-butt or cow-patty something out there - not in Lamont proper. Thank you!) We at the Lamont Blog respect all belief systems, so as long as you taste darn good coming off the grill, we don’t care what your various little 4-legged beliefs are! It is shockingly backward-looking views like those put forth here by the Lamont FBI (just look at that hairdo! Whoa!!) that got this whole doggone world into the stinking mess it is now in! Come on, people! Can’t we all just get along? And please quit hogging the A-1 sauce down there, for Pete's sake!! Thank you!)

Area So-Called ‘Pathetic Losers’ And ‘Do-Nothings’ Saddened & Dismayed By All The Good Things Going On In State’s 2nd Smallest Town

2011-04-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

In yet another stunning example of how crushing failure can be its own doggone reward, a cabal of area failures, disappointments, laggards and malcontents realized the source of their internal demons when it became obvious that all the good things going on in Lamont were the very well-spring of their crushing insecurities and nagging sense of self-loathing – to say nothing of their simmering anger at the whole stinking world, for crying out loud! “Well, I realized shortly after Lamont made the front page of the Spokane newspaper for all the improvements going on in the place that I began biting my nails down to the quick again – regardless of how much cow manure they had on them!” said Wilber Bodine, 56, an area pathetic loser and farmer/rancher who doesn't even live within the town limits of Lamont, for Pete’s sake. “Oh yeah, and then Lamont got an outrageously generous grant from Whitman County for a new library and one of them fancy flush toilets and I’ll be dadburned if I didn't start having night sweats and began whimpering for my mommy in the wee hours just about every dern night!” (Editorial Note: Too much 'mommy' is what got this whole problem started in the first place! I mean, come on!) said the proud 8th grade drop-out who really is pretty much of a total waste of human potential due to crushing laziness, a desire to see others fail and just a generally anti-progressive world view that somehow includes a hatred of flush toilets.

“Oh, but when they painted that doggone fire station after watching it decay for 60+ years, that was just the last dadburn straw! That is when me and my rancher buddies had to all team up together and draw the line in the dadburn sand since we are too scared to act individually (like real men will do! They let their women do the talking for them, and how! Talk about a clammer! Talk about 'babble' in a truly biblical sense!) outside the safe confines of a genuine (pronounced ‘gen-U-wine’!) mob (oftentimes drunken!) or whatever! Not on our watch, mister! No sir! What is next, giving our kids an actual education as opposed to spending all those limited tax dollars on sports so that all my kin can draw a salary driving bus and/or being a worthless chaperon and all! Sure, I am trying to live vicariously thru the sporting achievements of the modern youngsters since, of course, I was a pathetic loser when I was in school, too, but what in the heck is wrong with that? Plus, if you fill up those kid’s heads with all that fancy book learning and math and science and reading then the next thing you know they will be demanding flush toilets and libraries and access to the Internet and fire hydrant usage in case of a fire emergency and all of those other lures of the very devil himself! As my area cow church teaches dern near every week, anything that doesn’t somehow directly or indirectly benefit cows and thus the ranchers that own them is a complete waste of time and effort and is the very fruit of the devil’s tree!” he fumed with righteous indignation not seen since the heady days of the Spanish Inquisition! (Editorial Note: At least this crowd was so inattentive in school that they never learned about burning people at the stake for their differing beliefs! See, every cloud does have a silver lining, indeed. Thank you!)

“So yeah, me and my total loser friends, none of which live within Lamont itself, by the way, (go figure!) and who all seem to be in favor of absolutely nothing in general and against almost everything in particular are more than a little bent out of shape – and not just because the people who actually live within the town limits have seen thru our outrageous nonsense and shameless double-speak and no longer give us the time of day – let alone attend our so-called 'community events' where we quite graciously invite 'the little people' who don't even own cows over for a bland, starchy, gravy-covered meal so we can shamelessly bad-mouth the town leadership and municipal direction and try to convince the cow-less saps that our Luddite-like, destruction-oriented, decidedly inactive ways are best for them even though they quite obviously seem to be and in fact are designed to work against their own best interests, (like increasing property values! Whoa!) for crying out loud!! Enough is enough already! This town just needs to go back to rotting and decay like it should have been allowed to do in the first place! The darn town is making our rundown ranches look bad, dagnab it!! We just cannot let that stand! No sir!” he concluded while disgustedly kicking the toe of his manure-covered, multi-colored, high-heeled cowboy boot (with all that fancy stitching and flowery designs and what not that looks like it came from one of those countries that still allows bull fighting and where bribing the police is a more or less daily occurance!!) into the closest mole hole where some innocent mole, minding its own doggone business, for Pete's sake, now has to spend the next several hours pushing the dirt out of its hole and trying to vainly remove that manure smell that usually lingers after even the briefest of exposures to one of this underachieving rabble who seem to be against everything in the world (Including personal hygiene! Whoa!!!) except themselves and their petty, short-sighted, narcissistic little plans and schemes where someone always has to lose in order for them to feel like they have somehow won - however fleeting the victory may in fact be!

Shock: Area Rancher Caught Belting Out Madonna’s “Material Girl” While Working On Ancient Tractor In His Equally Ancient Barn

2011-03-29T08:45:00.000-07:00

Regardless of whether we live in a ‘material world’ or not, the entire Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) took a hit to its already sagging, tenuous, teetering masculinity after Elmer “Skeeter” Snopes, 63, was observed enthusiastically singing some chick song from the 1980’s in his barn, late Tuesday. (Editorial Note: Remember, the GLMA is the area that is and always has been completely dominated by a determined and committed group of so-called ‘farm ladies’ (Whoa! What a generous application of the English language!) who, in fact, make the fearsome mythical Amazon warrior race of women look like a bunch of fragile Southern Belles twittering/blushing innocently at a formal tea party on some regal Louisiana plantation veranda while demurely and daintily sipping Mint Juleps with their delicate and well-manicured pinkie fingers sticking out or whatever while their mustachioed beaus with swords, overly tight pants and bad, twangy accents with way too many syllables swashbuckle about the place talking about ‘getting them dang Yankees’ and droning on about ‘State’s Rights’ and Robert E. Lee or some such thing!!)

“Well, there I was, looking to borrow some axle grease or whatever from the Snopes’ place when I heard this loud, high pitched noise emanating from the general direction of the barn” said Gomer Festoon, 43, and area farmer/rancher. “Anyway, as I inched my way forward and managed to peek inside the open barn door, I dang near had to claw my own dadburn eyes out with the horror of it all! There was Elmer, wrench in hand like some sort of fancy microphone or whatever, shamelessly shaking the lower half of his filthy overalls like a honey bee and belting out the whole dern song to beat all I ever seen! Oh, it was horrid! I know farmers and ranchers in these parts are greedy and materialistic to the extreme, but that don’t mean we have to go changing our genders to get even more of the filthy lucre, now does it? Heck, that is why we married all those loud-mouthed, gum-smacking, mannish women in the first place - so that they could be the actual men in the relationship to save us the trouble and bother - but we don't have to go becoming the doggone women ourselves, now do we? That just seems a step too far for me somehow!” said the obviously distressed yet disturbingly misogynistic Rancher Festoon who now vows to only shamelessly mooch petroleum products from ‘Old Man Bodine’ in the future. “Sure, there was that time the wife caught me singing “I am woman, hear me roar!!” at the top of my lungs out by the cattle shoot, (while she was bench-pressing a car axle just to see if she could!) but I wasn’t doing none of that ridiculous hip swaying and booty shaking – and I for dern sure didn’t have no fake microphone in my hand, neither! And Elmer even seemed to know all the doggone words to that 'Material Girl' thing, for Pete’s sake!! He didn't have to fake none of the words at all!!! Oh, it was just so wrong! What is this country coming to, anyway?” he concluded with a genuine shudder of societal disgust!

Fluke: Entire Lamont Marching Band Independently Opts To Play The "Dinner Bell” For 2011-2012 Marching Band Season

2011-03-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

In yet another one of those mind-numbing things that can only happen in a place like Lamont, the entire membership of the obscure yet somewhat under-appreciated “Lamont Marching Band”, (known locally as “The Famished Farmers”) in an interesting attempt at country originality as well as an effort to match their natural, inherent, obviously limited musical talents with the appropriate instrument difficulty level (or lack there of!), anyway, somehow they all ended up choosing the ever-handy yet somewhat cumbersome and spine-straining/knee-buckling brass “dinner bell” from their respective farms/ranches to express their musical aspirations in a marching band context. “Well, let’s just say that this does drastically cut down on the number of potential songs that they will have to learn for next year!” said Gomer Bodine, 56, a farmer/rancher and the Lamont area 'so-called' band leader. “Heck, beggars can’t be no doggone choosers, so it ain’t like I can go making them pick some dadburned instrument that one would expect in any normal, sane, potentially enjoyable, remotely musically oriented marching band or whatever! Given the quite shocking prevailing laziness of this area in general, I was just tickled pink that we even got three volunteers (warm bodies!) to step away from castrating cows and watching the wheat grow in the first place. And who don't love the low, woeful sound of a clattering dinner bell after a full day spent fixing some piece a machinery 30 years past its life expectancy and/or running down the town of Lamont for all of them fancy ‘pro-toilet’, big city ways that seem to be all the rage now-a-days? (More than one clanging, tuneless dinner bell will be even that much more of a special treat to the listening audience!) Sure, we will sound like a marching train wreck and all, but this is America, doggone it, and if them local artsy-fartsy types want to give vent to their somewhat twisted/stunted musical muse via a 250-odd pound, solid brass dinner bell and march around the place with it, then who am I to throw a wet blanket on their dreams, anyway? Our dadburned Founding Fathers fought and died for our right to be socially, culturally and musically inappropriate, and I for one ain't going to soil that memory none! This is America! If you don't like it, move to California or Seattle or one of them places back East with all them sinister huddled masses of foreigners doing whatever sinister huddled masses of foreigners do or whatever! (With all them sinister foreign accents that no sane man can hardly understand in the first place! And what is with all that hand waving and double cheek kissing?)” concluded the righteously indignant Gomer, wiping away a patriotic tear while spitting an impressive stream of tobacco juice on an unfortunate passing sage bug.

Lamont Enthusiastically Celebrates William Shakespeare’s “Ides of March” By Collectively Stabbing A Friend In The Back

2011-03-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

The Town of Lamont, a majority of which thinks William Shakespeare is some kid named Bill who is shaking a stick with a sharp point on the end of it or whatever, jumped on the ‘literature’ bandwagon when they learned that March 15th, also known as the ‘Ides of March’, was the day way back when when that guy that the ‘Orange Julius’ in the mall was named after got stabbed by some guy with a really sophisticated name – Brutus or something like that, (Compared to Lamont’s most common name ‘Bubba’, Brutus is downright regal sounding!) and decided that would be a culturally adept thing to do to throw off the stigma of being societal and literary laggards or whatever and to imitate that part where Caesar’s friend slips a hay bale knife into his back while they are just talking about the merits of cows or simply shooting the breeze on how bad the town of Lamont is without the hapless, fumbling farmers/ranchers running the place even though the grasping, power-hungry, under-achievers don't even live within the actual town limits and somehow forgetting that that same group already goofed up the doggone situation to an almost unbelievable degree when they did, in fact, run things (so to speak!) just a few short years ago or whatnot. (How did so many of these people end up in such a little place like Lamont? Sheesh!)

“Well, who would have thunk that all them fancy words would represent such fun and interesting things?” said Skeeter Bodine, 56, an area farmer/rancher. “Heck, now that I know that all that fancy book learning can be that much fun, I might actually break down and read one of the dern things before I die. (yeah, right!) And who would have guessed that some guy with a sissy little moustache would be able to capture the very essence of modern life?” he said with a genuine look of amazement. “There ain’t nothing more fun in the world than brazenly betraying a friend or loved one, and if all them brainy books are chocked full of that sort of devilish entertainment, then maybe I need to rethink my insane yet passionate opposition to that fancy new library Lamont is putting in with all that unnecessary indoor plumbing and all that other shameful wastefulness like heat and running water you don't have to pump by hand, I guess!” he concluded thoughtfully while picking at his few remaining teeth with a decidedly disturbingly discolored thumbnail.

(Editorial Note: Come to think of it, the expression "Et tu, Bubber" (how Bubba is pronounced locally) does have sort of a nice ring to it. Ain't it funny how timeless some things are?)

Entire Town Boycotts Yogurt After Learning That It Is Somehow Mysteriously Made With “Culture”

2011-03-11T14:56:00.000-08:00

The humble and lowly Town of Lamont, known in farm/ranch circles as the “Pull My Finger” capitol of the Palouse, once again took a bold, brave, some might say ‘devil-may-care’ stance against modernity when word leaked out that the smooth, creamy, satisfying, calcium-rich dairy staple, yogurt, was in fact laced with what all pretty much agree to be the town’s ultimate nemesis – that scourge of small town America across all of – well - America – some kind of doggone ‘culture’ or whatever. “Ah, heck! Just what in tarnation can a feller trust now-a-days?” bemoaned Chester Festoon, 56, an area farmer/rancher! “There I was, getting ready to dip one of my freshly opened BBQ pork rinds into a cool, smooth, sweet, fruity container of strawberry yogurt when out of nowhere the wife mockingly shouts “Yo, Chester, you know that that dern yogurt is made with 'culture', don’t ya”? (she even did that 'finger quotation' thing for added emphasis and profound humiliation effect!) Oh, as if it is not bad enough being married to some loud-mouthed gossip who ain’t used a dadburned vacuum since 1973 and who spends all her time running down the Town of Lamont with her battle axe, mannish, troll-like friends, but for her to go running off ruining my favorite delicious snack treat combination – well, that is just plain cruel and mean-spirited!” he whined/snivelled indignantly. “Heck, I was watching the highlight tape of Lamont’s ‘Pull My Finger – 2006’ competition where that Jed Festoon and old rascal Scooter Bodine, both only sporting one arm as you know, well, them dern fellers walked up to each other, just as cool as you please, then they each held out their one remaining hand and said, simultaneously (That means 'at the same time'!) “Pull My Finger”… Oh, talk about irony! Talk about suspense! Talk about a battle royale of wills to see who would flinch and pull first! The tension was overwhelming! (he gasped!) The human experience doesn't get any more stark and intense than that, let me tell you! Anyway, of course it was at that exact doggone second that the ever faithful wife, never one for feminine niceties, chose to rain on my pork rind parade! Darn that woman! I mean, I am as against 'culture' as much as the next true-blue, long-time Lamontazoid, because as we all know with it comes all them 'big city repercussions' and all, but that don't mean you have to go running around ruining a man's snack-time pleasures, for Pete's sake! Maybe she should spend all her time out running down the town with her haggish friends, after all! She sure enough vexes me plenty when she is underfoot at home, always looking for ways to emasculate a man, dagnab it!" he fumed! (Editorial Note: as the one-armed Mr. Festoon and Mr. Bodine proves, drinking several 12-packs and driving a tractor like it was the Indy 500 is not a very good idea! Tractor wisely, people! I mean, come on! It ain't like the cows won't wait for a spell!!)

Former Mayor’s Hair Returns From Grave To Terrorize Hapless Town!!

2011-03-07T09:02:00.000-08:00

The Town of Lamont, long accustomed to hideous outrages that other real, normal, fully-functioning towns shudder at the very thought of, was once again catapulted to the very brink of madness after nightmarish reports began to trickle in that Harlan Snopes’ hair, the hair of the town’s first farmer/rancher mayor, somehow managed to wriggle from the cold, cruel grave to vex the town yet again. This hair, if one can stretch the very language to accommodate such an unholy abomination, seems to be the combination of the horrifyingly nightmarish elements of what appears to be some sort of primitive ‘man-perm’ and some totally creepy sort of oil/gel thing on the back or whatever, more or less like combining the unnatural strength and ugliness of Frankenstein with the slashing fangs/claws of a canine-inspired werewolf with a hankering for human flesh!

“Oh, now that is just so dadburn wrong!” screeched Jethro Festoon, 56, an area farmer/rancher. “Like it ain’t bad enough waking up to another day of crushing failure and having to glance over at that slumbering hulk that, unfortunately, belongs to the wife, but now my very life itself is one long waking nightmare filled with dread and loathing at the thought of being psychologically destroyed by some unnatural, undead, unmanly hairdo that we long ago thought was consigned to the wicked, sour, poisoned earth that spawned it? Heck, we have had 3 stampedes already this week! Them cows just get one glimpse of that – well, whatever it is, bobbing behind a fence so only the hair is visible and the poor things just panic - like only a cow can panic - and there ain’t a force in this world that can stop them from reducing every fence for miles around into twisted hulks of tangled metal and/or reducing the wooden gates to matchsticks with their slashing, fear-inspired hooves! Why won’t that man’s hair just let us move on with our largely meaningless lives where all we ever talk about are cattle prices, varying rainfall amounts, why trucking water to a fire is better than using an existing, close-at-hand hydrant with 82 psi of pressure fed from a tank with over 100,000 gallons of water (and a refresh rate of over 200 gallons per minute! Thank you Century West!) and how much we hate the Town of Lamont and just wish it would be allowed to be reduced to rubble like it should be so it don't make our ranches look so dang bad in comparison?” he panted in a low whisper while clutching his crucifix and spitting three times to ward off the hellish (not to mention hairish!) apparition! “I just cannot help but think that all them outsiders with all their fancy pro-toilet, pro-painting, pro-pavement/sidewalk, pro-library ways have summoned this unholy apparition on us as some sort of cosmic retribution for our profoundly un-American, shockingly ignorant, decidedly anti-modern, ‘pro-angry-drunken-mob’ ways!” he stammered disgustedly. “Darn them and their stupid big city ways!! When will this madness ever cease?” he whined pathetically.

Totally Awesome Rep. Susan Fagan Somehow Gets Even More Doggone Awesome (Despite Having Lamont In Her District!!)

2011-03-06T09:55:00.000-08:00

District 9 State Representative Susan Fagan, already one of the sharpest and most capable governmental ‘wunderkinds’ to come down the pike since Honest Abe and that Thomas Jefferson feller did whatever it was that they did that seemed to impress everyone so much, is breaking her own seemingly insurmountable records for awesomeness, even though she knows deep down that her otherwise sharp and hard working District must carry the ‘Mark of Cain’ in the form of Lamont, a hapless, wayward, backward-looking, some might say ‘neanderthal-ish’ hamlet that could not even manage to put in a public restroom after 100 years (and doesn't even have a store now!) because of a small cabal of Luddite-like farmers/ranchers who view such things as unnecessary extravagances and somehow unseemly!! Rep. Fagan, a person with a steel spine yet a heart of gold, who proved beyond any reasonable doubt her mettle for national leadership after she spent any number of hours at the seemingly interminable Lamont 100 Year Festival (that was boycotted by many of these same ‘toilet-averse’ farmers/ranchers who say they love the Town so much but want to see it reduced to rubble thru neglect and inattention!! Oh, brother!), just recently gave one of those citizen ‘Town Hall’ things where people could call in or listen on the phone (How did she do that? Whoa! Is she Bill Gates or something, too!!) and her clear vision, almost uncanny common sense, poise and solid American values left everyone pretty much gob-smacked and begging for her to become queen or President or Governor or whatever! (For the sake of full disclosure, the Lamont Blog, the news source of record in far, far, far Northwest Whitman County endorsed Rep. Fagan for Governor sometime back, although shockingly enough she failed to heed this powerful endorsement and has since worked wonders for District 9 in Olympia instead).

“Well, I listened to the Susan Fagan Town Hall meeting and heard her stance on the issues facing our region and nation, and to be honest, I have half a mind to get off the Lamont Council and devote my energies to her” said a Lamont councilman of 15 years. “I have been around a lot of years, and individuals like Susan Fagan are about as rare in these parts as hen’s teeth. If we had more people like her in positions of authority this country would not be in the mess it is in!” he gushed! “Oh, and being a former military man, her grit and determination, as demonstrated by her stalwart attendance at our 100 year festival, certainly qualifies her for Commander and Chief, if you ask me! If she can withstand that, she can certainly take on our national enemies, both foreign and domestic!” he mused proudly while raising his hand in a smart salute.

(Editorial Note: We at the Lamont Blog would like to apologize to Rep. Fagan, R. – Pullman, for Lamont being the fly in her district ointment and would encourage her to remain strong and resolute, in spite of the fact that we tend to tug down her averages (the good ones) in almost every category imaginable. Thank you!)

Outraged United Nations Security Council Convenes Emergency Special Session To Condemn Lamont For Gratuitous Application Of “The Rump Shaker”

2011-03-01T15:30:00.000-08:00

In a rare special session of the vastly overrated UN Security Council, you know, that group of busybodies who think they can boss everyone around even though they don’t even live there – anyway, these people called some fancy special meeting or whatever to condemn the 2nd smallest town in the Great State of Washington for what appears to be the latest in a long line of ‘crimes against humanity’ (to say nothing of decency and good taste, for Pete’s sake!!) – the largely unsettling so-called ‘dance move’ – known politely as “The Rump Shaker”. “Mon Dieu, this is an outrage that must be stopped this very instant, sacre’ bleu!” said some high-strung French guy named Pierre or Jacque or Fifi or whatever! (You know how sensitive and flighty those French are! Oh, where are the Germans with their hob-nailed ‘Jack-boots’ when you actually need them? And how did France, a country best known for its rich sauces and flaky pastries, that actually lost WWII in about 30 minutes, ever get on the Security Council, anyway? Talk about grading on a curve! If getting your butt kicked in war (in record time!) was a prerequisite for global leadership, then why is Italy not on there? Come on!) Anyway! “Well, after the horrors of the 20th Century, the global community cannot just sit by as nightmares beyond imagination are perpetrated against innocent civilians! My country knows better than most the outrages of unchecked beastliness and stomach churning human insensitivity!” said the Russian guy who sounds like he might have spent a little too much time at the vodka fountain! “This is the year 2011 – and outrages of this type should be relegated to the dustbin of history” he rambled on like people tend to do after a few too many! “Blimey!! This just won’t do!" said the over-starched English Security Council dude, mangling the English language like only the British can do, for crying out loud! "Now, sure, things like the disgusting ‘Rump Shaker” were okay when the sun never set on the British Empire and a bloke needed to blow off a little steam in Calcutta or Zanzibar or whatever, but since we cannot even seem to properly conquer Northern Ireland nowadays, well, it is just better to put an end to these outrages once and for all!” he concluded with the trademark 'stiff upper lip'. The American and Chinese representatives could not be reached for comment because they were off scheming someplace in order to shamelessly stab Taiwan in the back or whatever so China does not call in the US national debt!

When asked for comment, the new, cool, smart, savvy Lamont Mayor (who actually knows what he is doing!), Michael Breckenridge, who ran for office on an ‘anti-Rump Shaker’ platform, sympathized with the ultimate goal of the UN Security Council, but stressed that they do not have jurisdiction in the Palouse, even though that is a French word, and he politely suggested that they butt out and go focus on Somalia or Yugoslavia or even Mongolia or whatever and mind their own dadburn business! (Amen!!! Preach on, brother! Dang, it is about time we had a mayor who has his head screwed on straight!)

Century West Engineering Voted Best Engineering Firm In The Whole Dadburn Galaxy For 5th Straight Year!

2011-02-25T09:50:00.000-08:00

Century West Engineering, a national brain trust nestled in the Pacific Northwest but whose reach extends quite a bit further, was recognized once again for their technical excellence, innovative solution orientation, almost supernatural ability to remain on schedule and within budget as well as a quite excellent ability to work with entities and unusual life forms and cultures from other worlds, regardless of how annoying and/or quirky they can be. Century West, under the astute leadership of a certain Dennis Fuller, has multiple branch offices, namely in the Portland area and Spokane, is well known for bringing engineering excellence into even the most backward and primitive of settings and has a quite startling track record of providing almost unbelievable infrastructure improvements into inhospitable environments long deemed inaccessible or culturally prohibitive by civil engineering and construction experts on any number of planets.

“Well, I remember that time we had to put in those new roads on that planet in the Orion Cluster that had 8 times the gravity of earth! Wow, that was a memorable one! Of course, everyone at Century West knows how to use a scientific calculator, so our load and stress calculations were just a matter of conversion, so it was not really that hard” said an unnamed Century West engineer, who shuns the spotlight like they all seem to do for some reason. “Oh, but a really difficult one was when we got the assignment to go into Lamont, WA and pave over half the town!" he winced! "Talk about bizarre! Talk about a hostile, alien world! Yikes! I did not handle that assignment as lead engineer thank goodness, Bryan Hicks did, but just hearing stories as told by their mayor about the natives and their outrageously unreasonable demands and how the local life forms wanted to use the heavy equipment to do their daily chores was really disturbing and kept me up for many a night, let me tell you! Oh, that was pretty much a worst case scenario, but we managed to get it done on time and under budget! They never told us about towns like Lamont in engineering school, thank goodness. Just imagine the drop out rate! We would have all switched to an easy major like marketing or whatever! Come to think of it, finishing that assignment on time and on budget with one's sanity intact was pretty much a dadburned miracle and in fact went a long way to strengthen my faith in the Almighty Himself!” he said thankfully while gazing lovingly at the Heavens!

“Oh yeah, and I remember that time we were tasked with pumping boiling sulfur water to the surface for the inhabitants on that little planet in the Crab Nebula! Sheesh! The atmosphere was 79% ammonia and the average surface temperature was 216 C – but with a little bit of planning and the proper protective gear we managed to bring the inhabitants of that purple world the life-sustaining refreshment that they so sorely needed” he said proudly. “Oh, but I remember that time there was that little town in the Scablands, Lamont again, I think it was, oh, now that was a difficult one. Yes, very disturbing! They had just about the worst water imaginable and the town was about to be condemned, but as if having to work with the townfolk and that so-called mayor was not bad enough, yet it was -10 F too, and having all those citizens come tumbling out in their tattered bathrobes making insane, scatological demands – oh, it was simply horrid! Thankfully the expression “what does not kill us makes us stronger” is in fact true! Whew, I would not want to go thru that one again! Talk about a hostile world! Talk about cantankerous humanoids! Talk about a clash of cultures! Yikes!! (Hey, don't forget all that morning breath or that woman who came out every day in 'short-shorts!!)” he shuddered!

“Oh, and there was that time that we were tasked with developing and building a data repository on that distant planet that was completely covered in water. Somehow those alien entities had struck on the idea that all their records should be stored on a substance very similar to what we know on earth as crepe paper, so making sure no water ever got near the stuff was very challenging. Plus, the whole dern planet was chocked full of these shark-like things that could see in the dark and quite quickly developed a hankering for the taste of human flesh! Whoa, talk about an engineering balancing act! But that was nothing compared to that time the fine Whitman County Commissioners gave Lamont a quite staggeringly generous grant for $52,000 to build a new library! Oh, working with that unique life form was the worst of all! On that project we had to assist them in putting in water, septic and the building itself! Oh, that challenged the cumulative social, cultural, psychological, anthropological and engineering expertise of our entire organization! It was so bad that Dennis Fuller, a man who obviously has a big soft spot for the dysfunctional underdog, had to step in to take command! Talk about leading from the front! Talk about taking the hits for the team! Talk about carrying the lumber and bearing the load! Oh, that Dennis is the best boss ever! He is never one to pass off the difficult, seemingly hopeless assignments to his quite capable staff, that is for sure!” he said frankly without even a hint of brown-nosing.

Luckless Town Of Lamont Once Again Victimized By Shocking Ignorance Of Minor Segment Of Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA)

2011-02-24T09:31:00.000-08:00

The town of Lamont, a wayward hamlet cast adrift in some hellish nightmare known as 'The Scablands', is currently in the latest in a long line of ‘dust-ups’ with the area (non-resident) farmers/ranchers and their troubling aversion to flush toilets, particularly within the town of Lamont itself. Lamont, a humble little town that the area farmers/ranchers who have supervised Lamont’s decline for 60+ years without lifting a finger and who seem hell-bent on destroying just so their ramshackle ranches don't look bad in comparison, anyway - the investigative reporting unit at the Lamont Blog, thru tireless efforts and gallons of that largely worthless Folgers Coffee, has uncovered the supposed root cause of the farmer/rancher apprehension to basic amenities that other towns have taken for granted for almost 100 years – like the seemingly basic flush toilet itself. On the surface, the very idea that a group of farmers/ranchers in this day and age (who do not even live within the town limits, for Pete's sake!) would be so violently opposed to such things as flush toilets, libraries, planning grants for new fire stations, fire hydrants and the like seems impossible – but this is Lamont with its unique gumbo of a shocking farmer/rancher sense of entitlement, a well-below average overall education level (for decades the farmers/ranchers ran the school board! Go figure!) as well as what many believe to be a Satan-inspired desire to befriend and support local criminals and to gossip and undermine and destroy progress at every opportunity (Judge a tree by its fruit, as the Good Book says multiple times!) Anyway!

Thru exhaustive (and exhausting!) journalism and in-depth analysis of the facts, the Lamont Blog has determined that the farmers/ranchers (Not all of them, folks! We have a few fine ones - like the ones who actually help the Town! We are simply referring to the noisy, thick-headed, destruction-oriented ones - you know - the ones who are against libraries and toilets and using fire hydrants with 82 psi and things like that!! They are pretty easy to pick out! Plus, they are the ones who tend to not smell very good sometimes, if you know what we mean), anyway, thru what can only be described as one profoundly sad set of educational shortcomings, these troublesome farmers/ranchers are supposedly not so much opposed to Lamont having a public ‘commode’, (or so they say!) but what they are opposed to is the town of Lamont having a public ‘Komodo’ (that is a big lizard, folks! A man-eater! From Indonesia or one of those places over there!) locked in a dark room in the new library where people could just stumble in upon the poor thing by accident or whatever. (Oh brother! See the types of primitive double-talk and excuse making we get around here from supposedly ‘upstanding citizens' who should know better, but have no natural restraints in their pursuit of control and power? Yikes!!) (See previous article on 'The Dumbest Son Inheriting The Ranch'. Thank you) “Well, this has all been one big misunderstanding, dadburn it!” said Wilber Snopes, an area farm/ranch spokesperson. “I got about 100 (pronounced ‘a-hunnert’) phone calls from irate farmers and ranchers across the state and the whole dadburn nation telling us to knock off our stupid, ignorant, foolish, luddite-like behaviors and stop being Medieval cretins who are dead set on destroying all the good things in Lamont. So, anyway, after I got all this loving support and solidarity from my ‘brothers of a different ranch mother’ I decided that we needed a cover story so that the GLMA farmers/ranchers could stop embarrassing farmers/ranchers the world over with all our obviously ignorant tom-foolery! That is when one of the local farm hands, some new feller not from these parts, was just trying to be helpful and came up with the 'Komodo dragon' idea as a cover story (this guy didn’t graduate from a GLMA school decades ago, thank goodness, when all this dadburn trouble started - so the man knew what an actual komodo dragon was! The Lamont school is quite excellent now, BTW, once we got the farmers/ranchers who sent all their kids to private schools or St. John off the doggone local school board! Why is there no law against being on a school board yet sending your kids to a different school? That seems very, very wrong somehow!) Anyway.

“It just don’t seem prudent to me to have the town go spending all that hard earned tax money on some big lizard thing or whatever – especially when many of us farmers and ranchers are used to spending that same money on 'make work' jobs for our wives or whatever so the money comes into our pockets eventually" he chuckled. "Plus, lizards like the warm weather, so just think of them heating bills and all! Oh yeah, and what are they going to feed the dern thing? So, see, we ain’t against no dadburned flush toilet, we are against some big, scary dragon thing that I ain’t never heard of before yesterday when all them real rancher fellers from other counties and states called me to yell at me to stop embarrassing ranchers the world over. (Guilt by association is indeed a tragic thing!) I told you we farmers/ranchers ain’t all that bad out here" he lied shamelessly, giving a very insincere wink! "If they would just let us destroy Lamont once and for all and praise us endlessly for doing it, then we would have no more problems with the town at all and we could all live in peace until we decided what else we wanted to reduce to rubble as some cosmic payback for our presumably miserable lives, that is” he concluded smugly with his usual circular logic and annoying lack of mental continuity and focus!

Medical News: Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) Leads Nation In Thankfully Rare And Profoundly Disturbing ‘Commode-a-phobia’!!

2011-02-23T09:25:00.000-08:00

The GLMA, a forlorn and decidedly isolated area nestled right smack dab in the middle of the Scablands (Oh, who in tarnation came up with that name! Obviously they did not have a marketing orientation! Whoa!) and somehow on the very edge of the quite beautiful and robust Palouse (Sure, the Palouse is some name that comes from one of those foreign languages with all the subsequent negatives associated with foreigners, but at least it doesn’t have the word ‘Scab’ in there. Oh yeah, naming your area after dried blood caused by some injury or another is guaranteed to bring the tourists flocking to the place! What were those people thinking, for Pete’s sake!) – anyway, the GLMA made the national news again, at least in the medical community, when a ground breaking article was published in the ‘Journal of Abnormal Sociology’ that highlights the particulars of a cluster of unexplained and quite troubling instances of a rare and disturbing psychosis normally found in the very young or the very, very old – the quite profound and paralyzing fear of public toilets. This condition, known by medical experts as ‘Commode-a-phobia’ is best described as a quite irrational fear of and aversion to putting in public ‘restroom facilities’ in public buildings – usually in very small town settings, where town employees, guests and citizens can ‘answer the call of nature’ without going out behind the fire trucks when it is -23 F – not even factoring in the wind chill factor!

“Well, what in the dern heck do them fancy-pants planners and building code people know about what we need out here in the Lamont area?” screeched the red-faced Festus Festoon, 63, an area farmer/rancher. ‘Lamont has survived very nicely for over 100 years with no public restroom, and people just made do as best they could and it didn’t seem to hurt us none!” he gasped while attempting to stifle that pronounced facial tic he sometimes gets when faced with social injustice of any kind! “Sure, our way that we have fought so hard for for over 100 years is unsanitary, violates any number of laws, unfairly and illegally limits citizen attendance at town meetings and is basically barbaric and disgusting, but hey, this is Lamont and we don’t need any know-it-all outsiders with their ‘big city ways’ coming in here telling us that there is a better way to live and all! It took a lot of work from a lot of people to transform the once thriving Lamont into a dead-end backwater that doesn’t even have a store, and I for one will be dadburned if I am going to let all those years of gallant effort in turning the town into some Medieval hovel just go down the drain because a group of outsiders who don’t even own cows think that our ways are primitive, dysfunctional and uncivilized!” he fumed, turning even more purple, even though that seemed like a metaphysical impossibility just a moment or two ago!

“Well, it is always fascinating to discover a statistically improbable grouping of truly bizarre and quite inappropriate behaviors – what we call ‘clusters’, in a given area” said Dr. Martin Brickman, one of America’s leading experts on small town mental illness. “So when word began to trickle in about a small town that doesn’t have a public restroom after 100 years and where farmers/ranchers for miles around form themselves into mindless, seething mobs to fight against one, I immediately booked an airline flight into Spokane, rented a truck, outfitted it with a ‘Porta-Potty’ and ventured into the epicenter of the dysfunction – hoping to find the root cause of this obviously disadvantageous social and municipal phenomenon” he said bravely. “Sure, when I got there I found a small, forlorn, yet committed group who was ‘pro-toilet’ and they were fighting valiantly against a seemingly immovable wall of opposition, mostly from people with cow manure on their boots (at least we hope it was cow manure! Yikes!) Anyway, I was not there for 5 minutes when a malodorous mob of people in overalls with big belt buckles (both men and women! What ever happened to dresses, anyway?) surrounded my vehicle and began insanely rocking it – shouting “down with all them big city ways!!” and “If God wanted us to use a toilet we would have been born with one attached!!” and some other choice expressions best not repeated here! Oh, it was like being transported to some remote European village in the 11th century, except that Century West Engineering (CWE) had put in some really beautiful roads (thank you TIB!) and they had a new, quite awesome water system with some of the best water in the State (thank you CWE, USDA-RD and Dept of Commerce!) – oh yeah, and they were putting in the new fantastic library courtesy of the quite excellent Whitman County Commissioners – the library is where the town’s first public flush toilet will be, by the way! Oh, it was just so interesting to see that many people that “time forgot” all nestled in one little town right smack dab in the middle of 21st century America! It is instances like this that make all those years of struggle in graduate school so worthwhile!” he beamed proudly! "My job is like turning over a rock or whatever - you just never know what you will find squirming underneath there" he stammered excitedly!

Shocking Development: Invasive Spokane-Based ‘Parrot Rescue Program’ Extends Tentacles Into Deepest, Darkest Adams County, WA!

2011-02-18T18:25:00.001-08:00

In what was previously assumed to be the exclusive scourge of large metropolitan cities like Spokane, Moscow, London and Bombay (You know, that city over yonder someplace that ‘Dr. Bombay’, the warlock guy from the hit 1960’s TV show ‘Bewitched” came from!) – recent developments indicate to those forever on the lookout for such things that a Spokane-based over-achieving “Parrot Rescue” program that shamelessly and consistently saves one of God’s most spectacular creatures from situations of neglect and ill-treatment and places them with loving owners who will give them the honor, attention, respect, care and appreciation that they deserve – anyway, this rescue thing, whatever it is, is now branching out from the large cities that, sadly, should expect that sort of thing in this day and age and is invading the very heartland of America itself, concerned insiders report.

“Well, I have always loved birds, and when I heard of the problem with parrots being neglected and/or in situations where they cannot thrive I knew immediately that I wanted to do my part” said an unnamed Adams County resident who has obviously been “bewitched’ herself by those Spokane ‘big city ways’ and all that citified ‘do-goodery’. “Parrots are such special creatures and their need for a stimulating, safe, loving environment just seemed to fit perfectly with my lifestyle, so after some soul searching and thoughtful and earnest prayer I decided to give that wonderful Erika from Century West a call! Oh, she is just so sweet!” she beamed annoyingly. (Editorial Note: This mysterious Erika, the mastermind behind this whole parrot thing, is also known in the parrot ‘underworld’ as the “uber-goddess of efficiency” and seems to have quite a hankering for garlic flatbread or whatever - both characteristics of hers which run counter to true-blue, small town America, doggone it! What is wrong with plain white bread with some butter or whatever? At least those suspect traits are foreign to Lamont – so we at the Lamont Blog can’t really speak for rural Adams County, although we want to and undoubtably will!) “So anyway, I just called this sweet Erika up, and after she did the requisite investigation to make sure that one of the smartest animals on the planet would be a good fit for my family and vice-versa, the next thing I knew I had a wonderful bird who became a valued member of our household the moment he arrived!” she gushed, not realizing that she is completely under the spell of ‘one of them big city people’! “Oh, I just love my new feathered friend and look forward to many decades of companionship and love! That kooky bird is such a hoot!” she added while emphasizing that people should not enter into such a significant undertaking lightly but ever so thankful that there are people out there like Erika, even though she eats garlic, who look after those less fortunate among us, even if they do have brightly hued feathers and all and can imitate embarrassing things they hear on TV when the preacher is over for coffee or whatever!

When asked for comment, the ever-mysterious Erika, kingpin of the parrot underworld, (or should that be queenpin? Dang English language!), had no comment, or at least not one that we could understand, presumably because she had a generous hunk of decidedly aromatic garlic flatbread in her mouth at the time or whatever.

Excited Scientific Community Converges On Town To Study “Survival Of The Unfittest” Theory In Its Natural Environment

2011-02-17T10:14:00.000-08:00

The Town of Lamont, long known as the place that time forgot as well as the town where people have an unnatural aversion to using fire hydrants in case of an emergency that somehow requires a whole lot of water in a relatively short period of time, dern near had its temporary population double after word leaked out that trained professionals could finally glimpse the tragic, depressing, embarrassing, decidedly humiliating polar opposite of one of the pillars of ‘Natural Selection’ in the animal kingdom, the often misunderstood principle of ‘Survival Of The Fittest’ itself. Lamont, a tiny hamlet in far northwest Whitman County (The wise Whitman County management team, often while in polite conversation, quite frequently tries to pawn Lamont off on Lincoln or Adams Counties, usually with limited to no success! But you can’t blame a County for trying, now can you?) – Anyway (dang, where was I?) The Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) is one of those thankfully rare places where the laws of the Universe somehow seem to be reversed – you know, where right is wrong, where evil is in fact good, where fixing someone’s car means sabotaging and stealing parts off of it – and, of course, where shoddy work and/or no work at all has been the historical mark of excellence while painting, cleaning up and sprucing up the place draws horrified and disbelieving facial expressions (from the long-term locals, anyway!) most akin to a man with a well-developed sense of smell having his face unceremoniously thrust in the general direction of the backside of a billy-goat! Lamont is the town, famous across the Palouse, where, until very recently, everything was pretty much backwards – but where people still live out their feeble lives, if that is what you call it when one attacks everything in sight – thus sparking the interest in the world’s scientific community – at least the ones with a high pain/dysfunction threshold!

“Well, this has been the dream of the scientific community since, well, since that Sir Isaac Newton feller came up with whatever the heck it was that he came up with, for crying out loud!” said Dr. Gomer Bodine, PhD., an area so-called scientist and farmer/rancher. (Editorial Note: Hey, don’t forget Sir Isaac’s often underappreciated brother “Fig”! Sir Isaac is such a dadburned glory hog! Just think what the world would be like without his brother’s contribution to western civilization, doggone it!) “Being from these parts, I just don’t see what all the fuss is about. I mean, sitting around griping about improvements as the place just slowly decays around us is about as natural as all get-out, but I guess them high-fluting science types need something to occupy those eggheads of theirs and all” said Dr. Bodine, a Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) insider for all of his 53 years, while scratching the seat of his pants quite inappropriately! (Dr. Bodine is also the “Grand Wizard” of the ‘Rocky Mountain Oyster’ (RMO) Appreciation/Sanctification Society! (RMO-ASS) Whoa! What credentials! What leadership! What vision for the greater good of mankind!) “Anyway, I guess Lamont is some sort of dadburned ‘Lost World’ or whatever, where folks with a largely 12th century mindset are thrust into the 21st century and have to cope and all of that! Sure, we all think that pavement is the devil’s bedspread, and that fire hydrants are stupid wastes of time and space (unless you are a dog!) and that libraries, with all them fancy books and all that dern learning, are the ultimate in extravagant boondoggles because, as everyone knows, all buildings put up by man should be designed for duel-use to also house livestock and all - especially one's favorite (pronounced 'fave-o-right'!) cow! (Don’t forget that brainstorm involving storing fire trucks in the library! Can’t forget that one! That was special!) So, on some level I just don’t see what all the fuss is about” said the mail order Doctor of Philosophy, a local graduate of a GLMA school system that obviously spent way too much money on sports and rodeo events and teaching the kids to whittle!

“Well, my colleagues and I are just excited as can be over the opportunity Lamont affords us in better understanding the clash of cultures inherent when a nest of Medieval throw-backs (only a subset of the total - but a noisy one!) are discovered right in the midst of the 21st century” said Dr. Martin Weaver, PhD, a real PhD from a real university that gives out real degrees, not them dern mail order ones the GLMA farmers/ranchers place such stock in. “So, in the academic community, towns like Lamont are known affectionately as cultural “Elephant Burial Grounds” where people chewed up and spit out by modernity go to die. The symbolism of the elephant is quite significant, given that the beasts tend to have very long memories (for perceived slights and grudges of all kinds!) and they are extremely short-sighted! Oh, the things we can learn about our past by studying the laggardly social mores of a segment of Lamont are truly staggering – but it does kind of stink that they do not have a public restroom for me and my staff to frequent as we conduct our potentially disturbing analysis of the place, that’s all!” he concluded wearily while gingerly crossing and uncrossing his legs over and over!

Breaking News: Area Man Shamelessly Accosted While Changing Doggone Motor Oil

2011-02-09T11:28:00.000-08:00

In yet another staggering blow to the crime statistics of the 2nd smallest town in the State, and area man succumbed to a shocking ‘crime of opportunity’ while in the presumably safe confines of his own doggone garage, late Tuesday. The man, whose name is being withheld to protect his identity in such an obviously humiliating and unsettling case, was attempting to crawl under his 1992 Dodge Minivan when the unprovoked attack occurred. Although the actual assault only took a second or two, the understandable life trauma could linger for years, mental health professionals report. “Well, there I was, trying to work up the courage to get down on that ice cold concrete to try to work off that stupid oil filter when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I saw this gray blur come bounding at my exposed person and before I could scream like a dadburn school girl or whatever, I felt this icy cold and wet violation of my ear canal, intermingled with some indistinct snorting sounds – and before I could even react, I saw the rear end of the fiend bolt back out my open garage door to freedom! Oh, it was horrid! And the beastly little criminal even had the temerity to wag his little stub of a tail like some sort of war victory dance over my still warm corpse! That unrestrained gloating and obvious canine smugness is what makes the whole thing so unsettling! It was bad enough that my right ear was completely covered with dog slime, but to be so gleeful over it is the part that just gets to me! Oh, this world is really going to hell in a hand basket, let me tell you!” he stammered before bursting into tears! (Oh, be a man already! Why do so many men in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) always have to resort to the ‘water-works’, for Pete’s sake! This is supposed to be the ‘Wild West’, for crying out loud!!! Oh, Lewis and Clark must be turning over in their dadburn graves!)

“Well, I got a call at approximately 9:32 AM from the victim requesting an oil filter wrench or whatever, so I immediately searched up the dern thing and drove over to the residence in question.” said Dale Windsor, 72, a Lamont Councilman. “So, since I was only going to be gone for a few minutes, I, of course, encouraged my Schnauzer “Max” to ride with me since he loves nothing more than riding in the car. “Well, we got there at approximately 9:57 AM and as we exited the vehicle, Max, as is his nature, bounded ahead of me and raced into the soon-to-be crime scene and, apparently, although I am not admitting anything while the statute of limitations has yet to expire, some dog that more or less looked like my dog Max ran around the van, bounded on his friend and proceeded to shove the better part of his nose into the victim’s ear – although the only thing I really remember are the girl-like screams and eventually some miscellaneous sobbing or whatever. It all happened so quick I am not sure it can be pinned on any individual ‘perp’ above a reasonable doubt, in my humble opinion” he concluded slyly! “Sure, it was tragic and all, but no one ever said this was a risk free world, now did they? Sometimes it is just better to move on when you get your ear and upper neck covered in ice cold dog mucus, if you ask me. When one seeks revenge in this world, it is often necessary to dig two graves, or so they say!” he concluded sagely. (Editorial Note: For those in the GLMA who are impervious to even the most basic of word pictures, that means seeking revenge will also destroy the avenger in the end! Ain't that true! Thank you!)

The accused, Max, a pure bred Schnauzer voted "Best Dog In Lamont" for the last 5 years, is currently under house arrest where he is busy chasing the Windsor cats, sleeping by the fire and giving long, woeful, pleading glances to his owners before, during and after all three daily human meals. (Don't forget snacks or any time the fridge is opened, regardless of the reason!) When asked for comment, Max quite shrewdly exerted his doggy ‘5th Amendment Rights’ against self-incrimination but did manage to cock one ear in such a fashion as to give a reasonable person the impression that he knows more than he has hitherto ‘confessed”. As of this writing no formal charges have been filed and the victim, a cat owner, has cleaned out his doggone ear at least a dozen times with his not unlimited supply of Q-tips! (to say nothing of the outrageous levels of scorn, ridicule and ostracization he is receiving from his rightly outraged and thoroughly indignant cats! Talk about potentially damaged goods now! Talk about the ultimate cat "Scarlet Letter"!!)

“Why Won’t All Them Doggone Women Just Leave Me In Peace?” Says Area Stud-Muffin

2011-02-07T14:47:00.000-08:00

Wilber Festoon, an area beefcake when he is not out farming and ranching or bad-mouthing the Town of Lamont, bemoaned his unfortunate luck when a recent survey conducted by the Lamont Blog once again placed him at the pinnacle of masculine attractiveness in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) for the 4th straight year. Mr. Festoon, age 43, described locally as ‘dreamy’, ‘dishy’, ‘hotter than a $2.00 pistol!, ‘pretty as that farmer guy on ‘Hee-Haw’ (Buck Owens? Oh, we at the Lamont Blog want to apologize, Buck!!!), and any number of descriptors that are too ‘off color’ for even the shameless and ‘no stranger to the gutter’ Lamont Blog to dare publish on principle alone. Wilber, as it turns out, just wishes to be left alone to shovel manure, look up at the sky while mumbling ‘looks like rain’ and, of course, watching re-runs of that American artistic classic – the TV show ‘Gunsmoke’!

“Well, this is the GLMA, so of course our manly selection is painfully limited, but one would have to think that Wilber ‘The Love Rooster' Festoon would be considered drop dead gorgeous even in them huge towns like Fairfield, Tekoa and/or Spangle, for Pete’s sake!” said the obviously ‘hot and bothered’ Becky Snopes, age 56, a shockingly not very loyal farm wife and mother of 4 high school drop-outs. “I mean, when he comes a sauntering into the room, you can just hear the gasps for air from them other farm wife battle axes – like ‘The Love Rooster' , I mean Wilber, would ever give them sour old hags a second look while I am in the room!” said Mrs. Snopes modestly while grabbing her rear-end and tugging skyward in a vain and somewhat depressing attempt to counteract decades of abuse heaped on her by that arch rival of Lamont womanhood – that unforgiving beast – gravity! “I just think it is a shame all them hussies throwing themselves at the poor man, but all you have to do is get one look at their husbands and all the pieces seem to fall together, let me tell you. Sure, my husband, Festus, well, he ain’t no prize neither, but at least he has a few of his teeth left, for crying out loud! Why those old biddies would ever think that Wilber (okay, she said ‘The Love Rooster' again, but how much of that nauseating drivel is the Lamont Blog supposed to put up with? I mean, come on!!!) would ever think twice about them when my somewhat ‘rode hard and hung up wet’ radiance was so obviously on display just goes to show you how delusional and pathetic they really are!” she whispered before going over to join a gaggle of the above referenced farm wives – acting just as sweet and friendly as you please.

When asked for comment, ‘The Love Rooster', ahhh, we mean Wilber, just said that it is not his fault that he was blessed with such obvious attributes that the opposite gender finds so totally irresistible and that, although he recognizes the obvious unfairness of life casting his sparkling pearls before so many swine, if you will – but that he is not a man attuned to ‘all that romancing’ and just wants to be left alone with his cows. Upon hearing the news, 70% of the GLMA womenfolk immediately burst into tears and promised to love him from afar until he comes to his senses and chooses them so all the other area hags can look on in envy as they drag poor Wilber around by the nose like they do with their existing farmer/rancher husbands!

(Editorial Note: Oh, that is it! We at the Lamont Blog have to find other work! It is stories like this that make one wonder if those years in journalism school were not a complete and total waste. We may even move out of the country, for Pete’s sake! If this is representative of the ‘Heartland of America” then no wonder this nation is doomed! Oh, the humanity! Man, how could my career path get so doggone screwed up, anyway? Somehow it just seems that the whole world is conspiring against me, for crying out loud! My employer just had me do an article on some guy named ‘The Love Rooster'!! That is just so dang wrong! Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Thank you!)

Lamont Unleashes Latest In Long Line Of Annoying, Culturally Awkward, Town-Wide Expressions

2011-02-03T21:30:00.000-08:00

The lowly and largely misunderstood Town of Lamont, a measly fly-speck of a municipality pretty much right in the middle of a hellish geographical region our more sane and sober State Founding Fathers quite rightly bypassed in their pursuit of happiness and normal societal and/or cultural interactions, somehow managed to come up with yet another ham-fisted expression that was immediately and quite enthusiastically embraced by the language starved citizenry for miles around – much to the chagrin and consternation of proponents of Italian food the world over. Lamont, best well known for being the town without a public restroom as well as for the truly shocking number of people, both male and female, who answer to the somewhat tragic moniker “Bubba”, (Yes, these 2 events are unfortunately related! How could they not be?) seems to be forever grasping onto expressions from other sub-cultures and making them their own, regardless of how poorly fitting they are to a given set of circumstances and heedless of the obvious incongruity they present to the stark, barren, and largely rudimentary social and verbal landscape of the Scablands of the quite beautiful Palouse in the often underappreciated and disparaged eastern portion of the Great State of Washington, for Pete’s sake!

“Well, I ain’t one of them foreign-phobes or whatever them people are who get all nervous and fidgety when some dern fool goes spouting off in some foreign dialect or whatever, so when a new and exciting foreign expression comes my way, well heck, why not use the dern thing every chance I get, for crying out loud?” said Gomer Bodine, 56, an area farmer/rancher. “Heck, as everyone knows in a 12 mile radius (roughly the size of the GLMA – Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area), we tried for years to coin a new expression somehow incorporating the much undervalued “Rocky Mountain Oyster”, (RMO!) with little enough success. Sure, those underappreciated verbal gems like “Here’s a Rocky Mountain Oyster in your eye” when slugging down a jelly jar of moonshine was appropriate and all (usually accompanied by that mysterious banjo music that seems to always be playing in Lamont at times like these!), but folks just never seemed to glom onto the dern thing. Then we tried the quite insightful “A Rocky Mountain Oyster in time saves nine”, but them cheapskates just quit eating the doggone things to save 9 of 'em and we eventually ran out of dadburned freezer space! Then, in an effort to counteract this, we began saying “Hey, that’s a one spicy Rocky Mountain Oyster!!” with one of them fancy accents from that movie “The Godfather’ or whatever, but we don’t like spices in these parts, (Whoa! Simple black pepper is even referred to as “The Devil’s Dandruff!!! I mean, come on!) so people would tend to still shy away from the hormone-laden (and quite disturbing!) delicacies. So, finally we just gave up and adopted “Hey, that’s a one spicy meatball!!” instead… Sure, that is one of them foreign expressions and all, but you can use it to describe just about every social situation – even ones that don’t have a dern thing to do with spaghetti whatsoever!” he beamed proudly, showing off his newly missing tooth! “Just the other day, my rancher cousin Skeeter Bodine (Sadly, he also has a rancher cousin named Skeeter Festoon, and this Skeeter ain’t that Skeeter!) – anyway, Skeeter came over to the house looking to borrow some beer or whatever and the doggone ingrate ended up spending the better part of an hour in our ‘facilities’, and when he finally emerged, looking slightly worse for wear, the wife could not help but exclaim “Whoa, Skeeter! That’s one a spicy meatball!” and, of course, we all knew just what the heck the little woman was spouting off about – which, if you spent any time around my wife is more of a rare occurrence than otherwise, I a-reckon!” he concluded stoically while glancing somewhat lovingly (for him!) at the mother of his 9 children!

(Editorial Note: The Lamont Blog is a family friendly news organ, and we refuse to entertain any unsolicited comments on the purported parentage of Gomer’s supposed offspring. Just because Gomer has brown hair and brown eyes doesn’t mean that he cannot be the progenitor of 3 redheads, and 6 blonds – each with either blue or green eyes, now does it? So, please confine your obviously nefarious thoughts to yourselves and let’s just move on, shall we? Let them sleeping dogs lay, as they say – whoever the heck 'they' are? Thank you!!)

Area Voodoo Priestess Gets Mad At Stupid 'Saran Wrap' For The Last Dadburn Time

2011-01-31T09:57:00.000-08:00

In the fine Lamont tradition of ‘Don’t just get mad, get even!’, an area voodoo priestess, Mumbuto Kahentara, (aka – Betsy Bodine, 56, an area farm/ranch wife - when she ain't out gossiping!) one of the several voodoo professionals in the highly competitive “Lamont Satanic Services Industry’ finally had had enough already when she was trying to cover her one remaining piece of ‘Popeye’s Fried Chicken’ with “Saran Wrap” when the whole dern roll got all tangled up and ‘discombobulated’ and, having no other option, she threw the whole dern mess in the garbage and immediately began filling the somewhat cattle-scented air with strange incantations and fiendish curses not seen in the town since Whitman County gave Lamont an outrageously generous grant for a new dadburn library! “Well, although that whole voodoo curse thing kind of gives me the creeps and all, given my preference for Wicca, on some level I feel that some sort of higher cosmic justice has been done here, that’s all” said Thelma Festoon, 63, a part time farm wife and alpha busybody/snoot bag/shameless gossip. “I mean, just look at the collective frustrations and anxiety that fancy-pants so-called “scientist’ unleashed on the world with his supposed ‘life improving’ invention and all! Sure, having a thin film of germ resistant plastic to cover food sure seems like a good idea, but somehow they made the whole dern mess so intent on clinging to itself, like some catatonic 3rd grader in a horror movie, that the modern abomination just ain’t worth a dern hoot, if you ask me” she raged, spittle flying in an almost perfect 180 degree arc. “So, there you go! All them fancy scientists who actually managed to graduate from high school or whatever who think they can go inventing all this nonsense for “the betterment of mankind’ had better start thinking twice if they know what’s good for them! We are as mad as ‘H – E - Double Toothpicks’ now and we ain’t going to take it anymore, doggone it!” she stammered, reaching near apoplexy.

“But hey, that whole ‘turning him into a cane toad’ thing did seem a little harsh. What would have been wrong with turning him into a coyote or whatever? But who am I to argue with the larger scales of societal justice? I am just a meek and submissive farm wife who dotes on her husband and all” she lied outrageously, shamelessly attempting to cover up the fact that the women for miles around really ‘rule the roost’ around here – and the men, who obviously have punted their biblical responsibilities as the head of the house, just sit back cringing as each new tsunami of farm wife pettiness sweeps over the lowly and largely misunderstood Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) for the detriment of all. Yikes! Where are the men in the place! Whatever happened to that ‘rugged individualism’ thing the West is supposedly known for? If you cannot stand up to your wife, for Pete’s sake, and keep her from sowing the seeds of obnoxious mischief all over the place, what dern good are you, anyway? Shame on you, you cringing wallflowers! Be a man already! Stop letting your womenfolk trample the culture, such as it is, while you sit back cowering and mumbling 'yes dear' like some rightless hand-servant or whatever! Don’t you see how embarrassing that is? Come on! How hard is it to be a man? We got the easy gender, for crying out loud! Sheesh!

Shock: Church Plans Quite Disturbing “Rocky Mountain Oyster Feed” Fundraiser To Help Fill Largely Depleted/Squandered Coffers

2011-01-27T10:39:00.000-08:00

A local church, one of several in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA), that supposedly serves the spiritual needs of a citizenry that pretty much everyone agrees “is largely on the wrong side in the battle of good versus evil”, (Hey, judge a tree by it's fruit, as the Good Book says!) sent out a flyer late Tuesday encouraging people long accustomed to no real church presence whatsoever to attend what we all hope is not now an ‘annual event’ – the much hyped yet downright disgusting “Rocky Mountain Oyster Feed” to be held at their church (one of several in the spiritually blighted and thus largely forlorn area, by the way!) on February 13th. The offending church (if we can use the term loosely), known locally as “Our Lady Of Outrageous Heresy”, (As well as the 'Lamont Country Club' with highly restrictive, cattle-related membership rules) will be serving the stomach-churning ‘so-called’ food items, (taken from any number of unfortunate animals against their expressed will), in a variety of ways – fried, barbecued, sauteed and, of course, raw, in the spirit of our Japanese brothers who made that whole doggone yet still somewhat suspect ‘sushi thing’ famous.

“Well, I just ain’t sure that Rocky Mountain Oysters (RMO’s) are appropriate as a culinary representation of modern Christianity, that’s all - but it does kind of make sense in a Lamont context, I guess!” said Festus Festoon, 63, an area farmer/rancher. “Although I ain't no “Old Testament” scholar or nothing, but shouldn't that particular and decidedly unappetizing ‘cow part’ be considered unclean or non-kosher or whatever the heck that is? Somehow that whole fundraiser thing just seems very, very wrong! You know, them churches don’t seem to care about us at all and the only time we ever hear from them is when they want to go shamelessly messing in the town politics and feel the need to stir up a mob (never a hard thing to do around here!) contrary to that whole ‘separation of church and State’ thing, so why now, all of a sudden, do they want to go foisting some disgusting body part on us just so that they can raise their ‘30 pieces of silver’ to go promoting their decidedly non-biblical and nefarious ends that, as we can all see with our own eyes, have nothing to do with the bible whatsoever? Well, there ain’t nobody from the whole dern town proper that goes to that so-called church over yonder, (they all come in from the surrounding area ranches when they get off their dead rear-ends and drive in! What does that tell you? Can you have an actual 'town church' with no actual town people? Hmmmmmm! Only in Lamont, we guess! Oh, why is it always us or we or whatever the proper English is! Dang, why are we always so challenged?) so why would they expect us to eat disgusting cow body parts in the dern place? That just seems suspicious to me, that’s all. The whole thing just smacks of some sort of disturbing paganism or devilry or whatever, if you ask me! (For the record, the GLMA has any number of devout, earnest and committed church goers, but most go to Sprague or St. John or Ritzville to be spiritually and, thankfully, bodily fed. Whoa!)

“Well, thankfully, I ain’t the mayor no more, that Breckenridge feller is, but like I always said, if you don’t have a church that holds up the true spiritual banner of the Lord and not some counterfeit from 'you-know-who', then the doggone town is darn near impossible to govern at even the most basic level!” said a thankfully former mayor, what’s his dern name, age 47. “If you have a bad church or churches that basically do nothing or, even worse, actively support the criminals and ne’re-do-wells and scoff-laws, then of course the whole place will eventually go to ‘hell in a hand basket’. If a church spends all its time trying to be Caesar and thus kicks the things of the Lord to the curb, of course that will trickle down to the Town itself, with all the subsequent societal dysfunctions that seem to be so common in – well, yeah, places like Lamont. (And other small towns, too! Surely we cannot be the only ones! But then again, this is the GLMA, and who would have thought we would not have a public flush toilet after 100 years, for Pete’s sake! It does all seem to be connected, if you think about it! Whoa!) “Anyway, if them churches would just focus on the things churches are supposed to do, as defined by the bible, - you know, that whole 'Lord's Vineyard' thing and all, and thus spend less time trying to set up some satanic and/or earthly theocracy where they are the ones in charge or whatever, (And, not that they care, but that devilish power-grab runs counter to our dadburned form of government, BTW!) the whole dern place would improve by leaps and bounds, that’s all. But this is Lamont, so maybe they will figure that out in the next 100 years or so. (Don't bet on it!) But we just need to focus on getting a flush toilet now. Some things are just long overdue… And come to think of it, them church people and their dark, mischief-loving minions/lackeys are the ones feebly attempting to throw roadblocks in the way of the new library where our first flush toilet will actually reside. (Thank you Whitman County for funding it!! Oh, we have the best county government in the dadburn State! Oh, Lamont is so blessed by being situated here!) Dang, can indoor plumbing really be such an obvious sign of the Lord’s blessing that the wayward church(es) would feel the need to fight so strongly against it – like they do their actual biblical mission? Wow! This will be interesting to watch! Stay tuned, folks!” he concluded before going to fetch a ham sandwich and a glass of lukewarm buttermilk before settling back to watch the wheat grow!

Area Pastor Stuns Palouse By Endorsing Non-Biblical 'Theory Of Farmer/Rancher Evolution'

2011-01-23T01:24:00.000-08:00

In a brazen move that is sure to 'twist a few tails' and put more than a few 'noses/snouts out of joint' in the largely Godless and spiritually destitute Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA), an area pastor, (not a local one, so save me the hysterical hate mail! Come on, people! Shouldn't 'Christian' hate mail be some sort of oxymoron? Not in these parts, we guess! Whoa!) Jedediah Snopes, 56, threw caution to the wind and his already shaky faith out the dadburn window when, after touring any number of western states in order to view their farming/ranching practices first hand, he concluded that the largely discredited "Theory of Evolution' was indeed alive and well, regardless of what the Good Book says, because he'd 'seen it with his own dadburn eyes!'.

"Well, I have been in this area ever since I got my mail order Divinity Degree from one of them dern Asian countries or whatever, so it ain't like I am no doggone stranger to these parts, for crying out loud!" said Pastor Snopes, a man who is even willing to go by the title "Padre" should the unfortunate need arise, even though that is one of them crazy foreign words (which as we all know smack of Communist influence and subterfuge!) that run contrary to everything that the America we all know and love stands for. "Anyway, I have observed local farm/ranch operations first hand for many decades, I mean, how could I do otherwise, and 2 of the 3 total families that actually attend my church (on a good day!) are actual, 'card-carrying' farmers/ranchers themselves! (And his church is one of the largest within 25 miles! Whoa! What a spiritual Sahara Desert, for crying out loud! And whoever said that the heartland of America was 'God's Country', anyway? Well they ain't been to our neck of the woods recently, now have they!! Yikes!) "So, I knew that the wife had some knitting competition or something coming up, so I made up some 'fact finding' trip out West to get away from the old battle axe and to see a little bit of the vanishing Americana. Needless to say, I had to drive thru Idaho, which was unfortunate, and then I got lost and ended up in Texas, and then some hippie feller gave me directions outside of San Antonio (pronounced 'San An-tone"!) and the next thing I knew I was in dern Ohio or Iowa or whatever (Is there really a difference?), for crying out loud. Well, after making such a 'pig's breakfast' of my haphazard itinerary, I decided to head home in order to arrive on the day the wife actually left with that gaggle of annoying farm wife friends of hers, but I did get to see a whole lot of farming/ranching practices on my trip! And whoa, the only way to explain such a social, cultural, conversational and organizational difference between the States was that doggone evolution theory them Asian people told me was bad for some reason! Whoa! And my parishioners were the dadburn missing links in the whole dern mess! Oh, now how embarrassing is that?" he fumed! "I mean, it is bad enough being the pastor of a church that no sane human with even a dimming spark of spirituality would actually attend, but to have those, well, how do I say it, 'evolutionary challenged' members of the 'bi-pedal mammal' family attend on an almost twice-monthly basis - well, that is just plain dern embarrassing, let me tell you!" he snivelled piously!

Cheryl Loeffler, World's Coolest Clerk/Treasurer, Doubles Productivity After Former "Deadwood" Mayor Finally Gets The Heck Out Of The Way!

2011-01-20T22:06:00.000-08:00

Although already at the top of her game in an industry that has produced such superstars as "Kynda Browning' of Tekoa and, of course, that doggone "Darlene LaShaw" of Rockford fame with her fancy fairgrounds and all (just to name a few of the wonderful clerk/treasurers! Whitman and Spokane counties are chocked full of the amazing 'go-getters'! What a blessing for the citizenry and those hapless mayors!), Cheryl Loeffler, that well-oiled machine from Fairfield, WA, for the first time since coming on-board the decidedly leaking ship known as Lamont, is set to break even more clerk/treasurer productivity records now that she does not have to work thru and/or around a deadwood encumbrance mayor who is moving to New Mexico - or at least we hope he is moving, when the weather gets a little better and he gets up off his dead rear-end to do some minor repairs around the doggone house so he can sell the dern thing! "Well, having a good clerk/treasurer is the key to any small town's success, so when Lamont somehow managed to convince Cheryl to come on-board (thru a series of outrageous fibs, shocking exaggerations and no small amount of sniveling, groveling and shameless begging!) we thought we had finally died and gone to heaven! Oh, it was like a dream come true!!" said an unnamed Councilperson while gazing thankfully to the heavens! "Then we all realized that she was going to have to unfortunately work with our former mayor, and, of course, we were all thrown into a hideous funk because we felt certain that she would just quit on the spot the first time she laid eyes on him! Finally we had gotten a good one, but, once again, we had that little 'mayor problem' that is pretty darn hard to sweep under the doggone rug, for Pete's sake! (Oh, believe me, we tried to sweep! Oh, how we tried!) Anyway! Somehow she managed to keep her spirits up until he decided to leave on his own, thank goodness for us all - so now she has no real, overt reason to bolt from us, we hope, other than the fact that we do not have a restroom and - oh yeah, the Lamontazoids are like they are - and the place does smell like those unfortunate cow-byproducts 24/7, and we didn't get our first vehicle until 2008 and we don't have a store and all. But hey, we have a new mayor now, one with promise, ability, intelligence, wit, more than basic math skills, above average reading comprehension, computer savvy above that of a kindergartener, eating manners not straight out of some caveman movie, a rudimentary fashion sense (green pants with a purple shirt open to the navel were the previous mayor's informal uniform, for crying out loud!! And all those gold chains with his astrological symbol and all! Yikes! It was all so very nauseating in a 1970's sort of way!), and who has all his own teeth, for Pete's sake! (and who doesn't cut his own hair! Oh, that was so unsettling, too!) So, that is at least a step in the right direction, I guess" he said hopefully while crossing himself for good measure!

"Well, I never liked that previous do-nothing mayor none, so on some level I am happy for Cheryl, or at least as happy as I can be for another human being, given that I am a committed, certifiable, pathological narcissist (in the top 10%, for Pete's sake!) and all" said Jethro Bodine, an area farm/ranch spokesperson who likes to meddle in the town but never lifts a finger to help the place. "Anyway, I just think it is a crying shame that some guy that was the mayor of our town would ever move to a State that has another country's name in the dern thing! What is that, some sort of commie 'mumbo-jumbo' or something? It's a dern foreign country, for Pete's sake - and on top of that, that 'so-called' State is down there with a long, undefended border nestled right up against a bunch of dadburned foreigners! (Ahhh, hello!!! What do you call Canada? Yikes, there are millions of those sneaky little Canadian types running around loose up there! Oh, the world is going to hell in a hand basket, I tell you!) No wonder he tried to bring in all them 'Big City Ways' like sidewalks, the basic rule of law and a dadburned library! He's a doggone card-carrying commie who is moving to a State with another country's name in it! If that ain't against the law, I don't know what is! I knew it! Oh, that poor Cheryl has been working with the likes of Joseph Stalin himself! How she stood up under all that commie clap-trap and still got all the bills out each month is just a testament to the professionalism of the woman! She's a hero, I say! Dang, now that you put it that way, I think we ought to give her a raise! A big one! But at least that Breckenridge feller cannot help but be a major improvement, (being worse or even the same is almost a metaphysical impossibility!) unless he goes on trying to 'citify' the place. Lamont just needs to go back to where it was, in the final 10% of a long, slow, sad decline, that's all. But yeah, Cheryl needs a raise - they can chock it up to hazardous duty pay or whatever - surely they have a budget category for that sort of thing, don't they?" said the nosy rancher who has real control issues! "Its just nice that someone with her professional demeanor and ability would condescend to come help out a little, troubled, needy, yet downright cute town like Lamont, if you ask me!" he said suspiciously, given that his statement had something positive in there (the cute part!) and that normally means he wants something or something that doesn't belong to him is already in the back of his truck!

(Editorial Note: Well, we may be cute, but once you get a prolonged exposure to a shockingly large number of the area folks - well, some of the bloom potentially fades from the already weathered rose, or so the theory goes! But what do we know? The only job we could get after journalism school was on the Lamont Blog? How sad is that? Oh, I feel a major depression coming on! Thank goodness my mother believes that I sell ladies shoes at a thrift store!! The truth would probably kill the poor woman! Oh, now I am getting a migraine, too? When life gives you lemons, make dadburned lemonade, right? Oh, what a load of hooey! Oh, Earth, you cruel orb, why must you grind me to powder? Couldn't I at least have gotten a job at the Thrifty Nickel ad paper or something? The Lamont Blog! Now that is just plain cruel! Thank you, I guess!)

Irish Prime Minister Calls To Congratulate “Michael O’Breckenridge” For Crushing Victory In Lamont Mayoral ‘Slug-Fest’!

2011-01-17T22:58:00.000-08:00

The lowly and largely misunderstood Town of Lamont was dragged (kicking and screaming!) onto the international stage once again after the embattled Irish Prime Minister, you know, that guy over there in Ireland or whatever, called to congratulate one of Ireland’s most successful sons as he assumed the mantle of power in what all pretty much agree is a “Third World Country’ among American municipalities. The Honorable Mr. Cowen, aside from having to eat all that boring and bland Irish food, seems to be embroiled in some sort of ‘mini-scandal’, at least by Irish standards, after vicious rumors were spread that he went on the radio in a state that some might call ‘just a wee bit shy of sobriety’! (Oh, like who among us hasn’t done that? Let ye who is without sin in that regard cast the first Blarney Stone or whatever! Oh, those Europeans are so picky!) Anyway, Michael O’Breckenridge took the call at his home while lamenting on the dim chances of actually pulling the 2nd smallest town in the State out of the quite horrendous mess that the previous Mayor left it in – but managed to buck up and appear chipper and perky as he tried to understand a man from a country that actually butchers the English language even more than the doggone British do! Although details of their high level talks are to remain secret, there are some rumors that Lamont might be receiving 'International Aid' from Ireland, but knowing our luck it will come in the form of stupid potatoes or whatever!! Just as long as they don’t send over those Irish dancers or some such nonsense!! They are so annoying it would almost be like an act of war!!! But who among us doesn't like to kick a little European tush from time to time? I mean, come on!

(Note to self: You are not the mayor anymore, O’Breckenridge is – so you just cannot go running around declaring war on people who annoy you – even though Idaho sure enough needs the ‘what for’ in that regard!!! Dang it all – and O’Breckenridge is such a peace loving man, too! Where is the fun in that?? What is the good of being a mayor who is not willing to declare war on those who vex you? For some reason Idaho pops into mind there! Public service has to have some perks, for crying out loud!)

Breaking News: Dadburn New Mayor Does More In 1st Week Than Previous 'Energetically Incompetent' Mayor Did In Last 4+ Years!

2011-01-17T15:40:00.000-08:00

The Town of Lamont, long suspected of being incapable of growth, both personal and municipal, of any kind for at least the last 60+ years, stunned its detractors when they replaced their old, laggardly, chair-warming, hopelessly inept, annoying, shockingly ineffective, do-nothing of a mayor with Michael Breckenridge, a little dynamo in the rough who has lived in Lamont for the last 9+ years - which may seem like a long time, unless you live in Lamont where every moment can stretch into an eternity!! Breckenridge, a man who has been on the job for just about as long as it takes to properly smoke a turkey, obviously 'hit the ground running' and is in the process of cutting down a bunch of old, bad, dangerous trees (that that previous nincompoop mayor just hoped would blow down by themselves or something!), he has contacted long-neglected State agencies that might be able to help pull Lamont out of its death-cycle nose-dive, he took receipt of the new town library building materials, fixed a major, annoying water leak inherited from, who else, that previous mayor, and, on top of that, he has instilled confidence in a citizenry long-jaded by the previous administration best known for - well, what the heck was it best known for? (We mean actual 'good' things, that is?) Hmmmm. That is a tough one! What the heck did that sniveling hand-wringer actually do, anyway? Oh, just ponder those wasted years! What a crying shame! Oh, nothing is so completely lost as lost time - even in a place like Lamont!

"Well, I need to say right up front I didn't support that Breckenridge feller - I was for the other guy!" said Jed "Skeeter" Festoon - an area farmer/rancher. "Heck, anyone who has even a glimmer of promise for the future needs to be politically strangled in the cradle, if you ask me! People like that just tend to make me look bad, and rightly so!! But, after seeing that young Breckenridge whippersnapper in action, I have to say that I am just so glad that previous mayoral monstrosity is out of there, and that even I, a man who pretty much shuns human contact of all kinds in favor of spending time alone with my cows, am warming to the man! You have to admit, Breckenridge is a little go-getter - but that might run him afoul of the local establishment who just prefers to sit back and let the town slowly decay into a heap of ruins or whatever! I don't know what it is about Lamont needing someone from outside the town to come in here to set things right - especially given our long and sordid history with goofing up pretty much everything we 'old-timers' ever touched, (Whoop! Whoop! Understatement alert!!) but I guess I will have to give Michael Breckenridge a chance, just as long as he don't go letting no pigs and chickens into the town! Chickens scare me!! Oh, those horrid little beaks and all those disgusting feathers! I cannot even bring myself to think of those horrific little dinosaur feet they have just clattering away on the cobblestones or whatever!. (They look just like a parrot's - only somehow more chicken-like!!) Uggghhh!! Talk about a nightmare on wings - and wings you can actually eat, too! That is just sick!" he whispered with a panicked look in his beady, furtive little eyes! (Eyes that any reasonable person might conclude look startlingly like a dadburn chicken's! Whoa! What are the chances?)

When asked for comment, the previous mayor was on the record mumbling something about 'the unfairness of it all' and something about how 'he could have been a contender' or something - a quote we believe comes from some old Marlon Brando movie - you know, before he put on all that weight and all. Oh yeah - was it 'On The Waterfront" - maybe - well, we know it was not "Apocalypse Now" - that had something to do with WWII or the Civil War or whatever. Anyway, the old mayor was his usual, disorganized, imprecise, rambling self so we got no real insight on how he feels about being so easily supplanted in one week by Lamont's new, non-embarrassing mayor. But, we at the Lamont Blog have come to expect that from him. At least we have a guy now who can put two words together and have them make sense for a change. Wow, maybe this town really has turned the corner for the better - except if you are an old-timer who wants to see it decay into a ruined mass of junky debris, that is. Anyway, praise the Lord for Michael Breckenridge!! Now, maybe, the town has a fighting chance to avoid the dustbin of history. It will be a long, hard fight though. And that last stupid mayor didn't help the cause, either! Five years down the drain! Sheesh! Keep up the pace, Michael. That's a heck of a hole you are getting the town out of! Thank you!

Renowned Area Exorcist Provides Controversial Evidentiary Support For Lamont's 'Single Demon Theory'

2011-01-16T19:40:00.000-08:00

An area exorcist, Father Anton Falconi, age 83, a man who has pretty much made a nice living off of casting out unholy spirits and disgruntled, underachieving demons in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) for the last 5+ decades or so, (And don't forget all of those boat payments he made over the years!! It's a great job if you can get it!! Talk about steady work!) has released his innovative "Single Demon Theory' in a sure-to-be talked about article in a leading trade journal "Exorcist Today", released late Tuesday. This new theory, which is drawing praise and acceptance from demonology experts and small town mayors across the nation, postulates that most small towns, rather than being demon-infested little nightmares just chocked full of Satan's spawn are, in fact, usually infested with one or possibly two unholy manifestations of evil that tend to jump from one person to the next, particularly when one unusually nasty and/or surprisingly anti-social specimen of American dysfunction is somehow encouraged to move to another town - so the demon has no choice but to move with them (And who would want to do that? They are so annoying! Yikes!) or jump to a formerly halfway-nice person (In the GLMA that is a relative statement! Whoa!) and begin to devilishly torment the town all over again - thus creating the impression that the whole dadburn place is a fiendish nest just crammed full of the foul little beasties, for crying out loud!

"Well, being an expert on Satan's slight of hand in the Lamont area for many decades, I am, for better or worse, probably one of the foremost experts on small town demonology on Planet Earth, I guess" said the ever-modest Father Falconi. "I mean, who would have guessed that when I graduated from exorcism school all those years ago that I would have hit the mother lode in my very first job? It is like a hungry mosquito sinking its suction thing into one of those big human arteries that lead directly away from the heart! In some ways I got more than I bargained for, but this is what I do for a living so I might as well keep busy, although the wife is always nagging at me to spend less time flinging Holy Water at people while they barf up pea soup all over my clean robes or whatever" he said thoughtfully. "Anyway, it didn't take me many years to realize that as soon as Lamont drove off one of Satan's puppets, usually to one of those towns just down the road or whatever, all of a sudden another person in the Town began to act the same exact way the former stooge of the devil acted - and usually within just a day or two!" he said enthusiastically. (Hey, it takes a few days to get moved in and settled and all of that!) "So, I began to catalog obvious signs of servitude to the 'dark lord', like shameless gossip, constant nagging at town officials, almost unbelievable fib-telling (as it relates to the town!!) and, of course, the main 'tell-tale sign' - being obsessed with the mayor in a quite unsettling and unholy way - and thru statistical analysis I determined that rather than having an endless legion of satanic spirits floating about the place, there were only one or two nightmarish manifestations that sure enough seem to get around, for crying out loud! What busy beavers!" he said with obvious professional although not spiritual admiration.

"Anyway, a year or 2 ago, we had a woman, let's call her 'Brunhilde' to preserve her anonymity (Sadly, that turns out to be her real name! Who is editing this rag, anyway?)) who lived here for her whole life and was the source of all the most energetic gossip and trouble-making in the Lamont area (which is saying a lot, if you think about it!!) - then she moved to another town in the State and within days a relatively new woman in town picked up the very same devil's banner, even developing the same pinched, screwed-up face and stomach-clearing bad breath, and began to wave that said satanic banner all over the place. Then there was that guy who moved here from another state, (we would, as always, like to blame Idaho but that is not, in fact, true! Dang it all!), anyway - he comes here, gets the full treatment from the Whitman County Sheriff's Dept and thus moves (thank goodness!) and, sure enough, another person in the area (GLMA) begins to act just like him, even imitating the bad regional accent and all of that, all within 48 doggone hours! And the dern demonic things are not gender specific either, or so it would appear! We had that case where a local woman, long known as the nastiest person anyone ever met (How and why did she ever move here and why didn't she leave sooner?) - you know, a loud-mouth, gum-smacking, beast-like trouble-maker and all whose only currency was discord, strife and husband humiliation - well, she moved out (talk about having a party!) and then a young man, a product of the very poisoned loins of Lamont itself, immediately began to act just like her! It was amazing!" said the gob-smacked demon destroyer while sipping his trademark 'herbal tea' (rumors of a shot of bourbon are as yet unconfirmed!) that may not drive off demons but is really rather soothing and takes the edge off! "He even began to wave his arms over his head and throw temper-tantrums just like she did! (Don't forget that whole spittle thing! Yikes!) I can show you the video! So, that is how I stumbled on the 'Single Demon Theory'. Plus, it is not like Hell has an unlimited budget and can go throwing infinite resources all over the place, especially to little towns like the 2nd smallest town in the State, for Pete's sake! Sure, the devil obviously covets Lamont, but he doesn't have bottomless pockets, now does he?" he concluded, making a mental note to make another 55-gallon drum of that doggone Holy Water and to pick up his stupid robes from the dry cleaners before his wife has to jump all over him again! (Oh, it is so easy to become forgetful when one gets older!)

Political Pressure Mounts To Repeal Controversial "Dumbest Son Inherits The Ranch" Clause In 100-Year-Old Lamont Constitution

2011-01-12T19:45:00.000-08:00

In a bold move designed to undue over 100 years of precedent that has pretty much crippled the Town of Lamont and ruined countless lives thru the sheer, mind-numbing backwardness of the daily community discourse, a group of concerned citizens, almost exclusively made up of people 'not from around here' began passing around a petition that would repeal the legal mandate behind 'the son with the lowest IQ being required to inherit the ranch' and thus produce a similar prodigy to haunt future generations. "Well, I can see how, 100 years ago, some really smart son, probably filled with promise and able to offer the world his talents and energies, wanted to break with his father or whatever and leave the ranch, so he secretly slipped that little clause into the Town's Constitution or whatever!" said Dr. Martin Peterman, an area historian. "Well, one often hears of the "Law of Unintended Consequences' and all, but little did that free spirit who probably went off to some big city, married a pretty wife and had a great job or whatever know, but by putting the 'Dumbest Son' clause in there, that the Town of Lamont was doomed, for crying out loud! Think about it. Not only did the dumb sons pass on their genetic material to all subsequent generations, but how many of the smart women were willing to marry the dumb sons? So, you have 100 years of the dumb sons marrying the dumb daughters - and you do not have to be a genius to figure out that even the most robust gene pool would eventually grind to a halt after just a very few generations! Whoa!! I mean, come on!" he said with a rare scientific dispassion. (Hey, we thought he was a dadburn historian!!!) "The writing for Lamont's doom was written on the wall before the ink was even dry on the dadburned Town Constitution! Oh, what a real mess!" he fumed, wringing his hands vigorously!

"Anyway, so not only do you have the dumb reproducing with the dumb, but they would in turn hire farm/ranch employees who were as dumb or dumber than they were, (Oh, who wants some smarty-pants farm helper, for Pete's sake?) so thus the whole regional gene pool took an 'upper-cut' that sent it to the mat in no time at all. Sure, that one whipper-snapper might have managed to get out from under his dad's thumb, and no one begrudges him his freedom, but what a cost that was to the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) itself! Now one can see why there is no public restroom in Lamont after over 100 years! (and, almost unbelievably, many long-term locals still argue against one! Sadly, this is true!) It makes you wonder if they even have those new-fangled devices out on the ranch! (We won't even mention not painting the Town building for 60 years!) And now it is easy to piece together why there is such hostility to "outsiders" with all their 'Big City Ideas" (pronounced 'eye-dears') in the poor town! Each and every new person represents a genetic threat to the established although decidedly Luddite-like order so it must be attacked. One blessing, however, is that all of the enemies to progress are so dumb at this point that their feeble attempts at thwarting advancement are so easily repulsed - which in turn causes frustration with the long-term locals - so they must fall back upon the last resort of scoundrels - the angry mob - but they cannot even pull that one off very well either! (I mean, how hard is it to be a mob?) The whole dern place is just a mess - and all because the dumbest son inherited the ranch!!" he said disgustedly.

When asked for comment, the area Farm/Ranch spokesperson, Festus Bodine, 56, had no idea what we were even talking about and thus had no comment - at least not one even remotely related to the topic at hand, that is.

Area Farm Types, Cow Pokes And Fugitives From The Law Feverishly Cram For Grueling National 'Farm/Ranch Entrance Exams'

2011-01-12T15:33:00.000-08:00

In an annual ritual that has area recent high school dropouts and people with murky criminal records hitting the coffee pot and sweating bullets, budding area farm/ranch folk have been hitting the books in the hopes that an 'appropriate' test score will catapult them into a largely thankless and oftentimes degrading job as a 'farm/ranch hand' or, should their scores be in the proper 10th percentile, they might possibly qualify for the highly coveted and dubious 'Bovine Maintenance Technician' dream job title!! (although the pay, when they can actually get it, is still theoretically minimum wage - yet that enhanced job title oftentimes entitles the bearer to an actual bowl of soup during the daily 10 minute lunch break). "Well, in order to get on with one of the spreads in these parts, a man has to know what he needs to know and not know what he doesn't need to know!" said Wilber Festoon, an area farmer/rancher who is currently under investigation by the Department of Labor for multiple counts of not paying his employees for all the hours they worked. "I mean, one of the good things about being a farmer/rancher is that we can be downright lazy, but regardless of how lazy and shiftless we are as a group, some genius in the 'Hollywood Dream Factory' keeps pumping out movie after movie extolling the hard working natures of people like us in the Heartland of America! How sweet is that! Just look at Lamont, for instance! The place has been surrounded by a finite number of farm/ranch families for over 100 years, and just look at the work we managed to avoid for all that time! It takes real planning to put off basic assignments like that for decades on end!" he sighed wearily while wiping his forehead with a decades-old yet still spotless handkerchief. "Sure, we in the Lamont area are unusually gifted at doing nothing, but I am sure some of this has to apply elsewhere, doesn't it!" he beamed modestly. (although incorrectly!)

"Anyway, regardless of how much we just sit around doing as close to zip as possible, the greater society at large still thinks we are out there in the cold, 'busting our humps' for the American way or whatever. What silly sheep the American people are! How sweet is that, though?" he chuckled. "So, needless to say, what work a modern ranch does require is usually contracted out to 'farm hands" who normally lack basic math skills so they will never know when we consistently pay them less than is their due! But even this is not easy! Of course that requires the farmers/ranchers themselves, thru sheer civic duty alone, to sit on the area school boards to ensure that all the money goes to sports programs and not education so that the average 8th grader does not go getting all uppity after they drop out and go demanding a full paycheck or whatever! So, needless to say, the national "Farm/Ranch Hand" aptitude tests are given, not to select the most knowledgeable, but to weed out the smarty-pants know-it-alls and those rabble-rousers who know something about their 'so-called' rights and all of that. A good thing for us now, though, is that the 8th grade drop-out rate is so high and the average overall scores are so low across the board that we can even now save a few bucks by cutting back on the dern test! That means more money for us to spend in the gift shop on our annual farmer/rancher dream vacations to Dollywood, for crying out loud!" he gushed while making a fake lasso motion! "And while we are gone, just think of all of those 'Farm Hand' hours worked that we can avoid paying thru shameless hook or crook!! Oh, the life of a farmer/rancher is sweet, indeed!' he concluded before rushing off to watch a re-run of Gunsmoke (for the 37th time!!) while his downtrodden 'farm hand' shuffles off to grab him yet another cold beer before he gets yelled at for inattention to vital job responsibilities!!

(Editorial Note: This poorly crafted article is about the hidden American 'caste system' - and should not be taken for a literal interpretation of the Lamont area in particular. If, however, you are of Lamont farmer/rancher stock and feel anger and/or guilty outrage after reading this article, and you know who you are, then it might be prudent to beg forgiveness from the Lord, modify your predatory world view as it relates to your neighbors and turn over a new leaf, for crying out loud! Why continue with such a failed lifestyle where nothing good ever gets done (certainly at the Town level! Whoa! Judge a tree by its fruit!) and others often get damaged so you can stuff a few ill-gotten shekels (all 30 of them, ironically!) into your malodorous overalls, for Pete's sake? Sheesh! Thank you!)

WA State Hopes Dashed After It Is Learned That Only The Former Mayor, Not the Entire Town Of Lamont, Is Moving To New Mexico

2011-01-10T12:36:00.000-08:00

Flags were lowered to half mast across the Great State of Washington after it was learned that some overly exuberant employee within the modest yet normally highly efficient State government apparatus quite incorrectly reported to the power elite in Olympia that that constant burr under the State's saddle, the annoyingly laggardly and self-destructive Town of Lamont, was miraculously packing up 'lock, stock and barrel" and moving to the now unfortunate Land of Enchantment - also known as the Great State of New Mexico! "What the? Whoa! You mean Lamont is NOT moving to another state? Heads will roll! How can such an error of this magnitude ever happen - with all of the subsequent hopes that were raised to a fever pitch not seen since we won WWII or the Seahawks got into the Super Bowl a few years back?" said an unnamed State Cabinet official. "Dang it all, we had a huge party planned at the Governor's Mansion - and I made sure that there would be those spicy little chicken wing things I like so much! But now, not only do I not get my favorite finger food, but we are still stuck with Lamont? Oh, this is a dark day for the State of Washington, indeed! Someone is losing their job over this screw-up! Oh, talk about snatching defeat out of the slathering jaws of victory, for crying out loud! Why do we have to be the State that has Lamont? What did we ever do to deserve that? I mean, come on!" he raved with legislative wrath and gubernatorial fury!

"Oh, thank the Good Lord!!" said a high ranking New Mexico State government official rumored to be close to the Governor. "The minute we were contacted by the Homeland Security 'Undesirable Element' Division that the whole, doggone, decidedly dysfunctional Town of Lamont was moving to New Mexico, we immediately contemplated mobilizing the National Guard and/or changing our road signs in the hopes that Lamont would continue on thru our State and somehow end up in Texas or Old Mexico or whatever! (Talk about an international incident!!) I mean, it is bad enough that we are getting that former mayor of theirs, (well, that is a good point!) but the whole dern Town would have been more than this State could easily stomach. So, this is a banner day for the Great State of New Mexico! The Lord has smiled on us this day! Oh, talk about dodging the dysfunction bullet! Praise the Lord!" he beamed enthusiastically with arms outstretched to the heavens!! "Oh yeah, and in your face, Washington! You created that little problem up there, so you are the ones who need to deal with it and stop trying to pawn it off on other States!" he concluded while 'high-fiving' a handy lobbyist or whatever.

(Editorial Note: For the record, the GLMA (Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area), an area filled with supposedly handy 'farm/ranch types', has been unable to muster the organizational fortitude in over 100 years (can you believe that?) to put in a simple flush toilet and never managed to paint their one, single, solitary building in over 60 years (sad but true!), so if anyone assumes that the Town of Lamont, long known for flubbing up just about everything they ever touched, could somehow organize an official move to another state just does not understand the historical incompetence that has affected Lamont like some sort of 'municipal and organizational bubonic plague' or whatever. So, all you States (Idaho in particular!) that are worried that Lamont might show up on your doorstep, banjo in hand, can rest easier. The organizational skills needed to make that happen do not now nor have they ever existed, although we have a great new mayor who might be able to swing something, should the fancy strike him. Thank you!)

Town Emerges From Long, Hideous, Largely Surreal Nightmare By Electing A New, Cool, Smart, Savvy Mayor! (Its about time! Whoa!)

2011-01-07T16:49:00.000-08:00

The Town of Lamont, a mere town (as opposed to a fancy-pants city like that doggone Long Beach or whatever), a backward-looking, half-baked hamlet pretty much right in the middle of nowhere (or, conversely, right in the middle of everything!) that is home to the occasional coyote and a stringy-looking, malodorous cow or two, emerged from what all agree was the 'Mayoral Dark Ages' when, as if a blessing from the very heavens themselves, their existing mayor, if we can use that term loosely, decided to move to another State (who cares, as long as it is out of Lamont which disqualifies him from holding office here!) and his long overdue replacement was selected by the ever-chipper and decidedly-relieved Town Council, late Thursday. The new Mayor, Michael Breckenridge, one of the rare inhabitants in a 12 mile radius (Also known as the GLMA - Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area!) who does not sport the Lamont trademark 'mono-brow' and can do most multiplication tables up to the number 25 in his head, replaced the sad, laggardly, shop-worn, math challenged, largely ineffective and decidedly flummoxed existing mayor who, by some hideous glitch in the American electoral system, somehow remained at the Town's helm for over 5 years - amazingly enough without sparking some outrageously embarrassing international incident (Most likely with Canada! Oh, those Canadians are so touchy!) or some 'mini-civil war' with his constant harping about our potato-loving neighbors to the east - those somewhat thin-skinned (Like their dern potatoes! Whoa!) and long-grudge-holding Idahoans themselves!

"Well, I ain't one for no dern political cherry picking or whatever, but I for one am glad to see that previous tyranny of crushing incompetence come to an end!" said Jethro Festoon, an area farmer/rancher. "I mean, it is bad enough being the 2nd smallest town in the State, especially since we do not now nor have we ever had a public toilet and all, but to have that former nincompoop as our titular head - well, that was just a touch too much for all of us! Like, how many strikes can one town have against itself, for Pete's sake? Don't we have it bad enough as it is without having a mayor like that last one - you know, with all them 'big city ways' like wanting sidewalks and indoor plumbing and all? This is Lamont! Big city ways have as much chance of surviving in this place as an alligator in the arctic or a salmon in Death Valley, for crying out loud! So, of course, Lamont would have to be burdened with that level of nonsense for over 5 years! Why is it always us? (Or should that be 'we'? Darn English language!) Oh yeah, life is fair! Why do the 'Pixies of Fate' always seem to take such pleasure in our multi-dimensional, prolonged, agonizing discomfiture, doggone it? At least we now have a new mayor who won't be a total embarrassment when out in public and all! That Breckenridge feller has lived here for over 9 years and seems to have his head screwed on straight, which will be a big dadburned adjustment for us all after that last administration, that is for sure!" he gushed. "Oh, this is a banner day for our humble little town! It is almost like a dream come true!"

(Editorial Note: Michael Breckenridge, although not unopposed for the open mayor position, is a rare 'media savvy', literate, business-oriented yet human-friendly individual who originally moved to Lamont from someplace normal like Nevada or whatever, and is the perfect fit for what ails Lamont - a list that goes to several single-spaced typed pages on a good day! It goes without saying that he will undoubtedly be vastly superior to that numbskull that he replaced (I mean, how hard is that?), but his quite extensive merits, along with more than a generous sprinkling of those often despised "big city ways' will uniquely position him to take Lamont to its next stage of social development - which, on the human cultural development spectrum rests somewhere between the 'Hunter/Gatherer' period and the often under-appreciated early Bronze Age! Good luck, Michael! Oh yeah, Michael, remember that to really fit in around here, you will need a well-worn pair of manure covered cowboy boots that you wear to all occasions!! (even the shower - should you break with your adoring citizenry and actually take one of the dern things!!) Don't make the same mistake that that last lackadaisical, chair-warming, good-for-nothing 'timbernoggin' made! Thank you!)

Area Cat Can't Believe Stupid Owner Would Ever Allow Him To Go Outside 'In Weather Like This'!

2011-01-01T10:31:00.000-08:00

An area cat, Gordo, age 6, had to fight back feelings of inter-species betrayal and feline incredulity (never an emotion in short supply when cats are around!) when his owner (if such a term can ever be used for the somewhat tenuous 'Man/Cat' relationship) - you know, that guy who knows how to use the can opener and all - held the back door open for what seemed like some arctic eternity, insanely mumbling the words "You want to go out, Kitty? You want to go out?", as all the dadburn heat from the roaring fireplace was sucked wastefully into the great outdoors where it won't do man or beast a lick of good!. Gordo, an adventurous cat of undetermined (some might say suspect!) parentage, prides himself on never being a stranger to the odd excursion to the wood pile or some spontaneous hunting expedition out in the garden, but who is no fool either, and thus prefers to venture outside to smell stuff and make little cat piles when the mercury hovers somewhere in the positive digits - not some doggone below-zero nightmare scenario!

"Well, I had gotten up on the Sabbath and my cats were all patiently waiting for me in the kitchen, staring at me expectantly as I fumbled to make the morning coffee" said the quite insensitive 'cat owner', assuming he didn't just forfeit that title after his outrageous display of weather-related bad decision-making! "Anyway, when I turned back around, task complete, the darn cats were still there, although their somewhat insistent stares seemed to have increased in ominous intensity somehow!" he said wearily while hastily crossing himself and throwing salt over his shoulder for good measure! "So, I opened up a can of their favorite 'Kozy Kitten' that they proceeded to set upon like a pack of lions on the fresh carcass of a water buffalo or whatever, and when they were done (and after knocking about half the moist delicacy onto the dadburn kitchen carpet!) Gordo, as is his nature, went and stood by the back door, you know, that universal signal for wanting to be let out! How was I to know this was some elaborate 'loyalty test' that would later serve to undermine my perceived fitness as not only a cat owner, which might be understandable, but also as a halfway decent human being itself?" he said dejectedly, fighting back a mixture of shame and disbelief at the seeming unfairness of it all!! "Oh, and the looks of disgust I am getting from all three of the cats now! It would chill your blood and break your heart! Okay, I am sorry I didn't check the temperature before opening the door! I had just woken up and hadn't even had my coffee yet - and besides, the dadburned thermometer is on the back porch, for Pete's sake!!" he sniveled pathetically like some naughty school boy cowering in the Principal's office for some grievous (and repeated!) act of anti-social behavior, yet still showing a stubborn unwillingness and/or disturbing inability to take responsibility for his shocking levels of myopic insensitivity! (Oh, be a man already and face up to your unsettling and quite extensive shortcomings, for Pete's sake!!)

(Editorial Note: Well, we at the Lamont Blog have no choice but to side with the cat here. Although the statistically solid "Farmer's Almanac" predicted a decidedly 'warmer and wetter' winter, and that prediction has largely held up to local scrutiny, there have been periods of intense cold, like today, for instance, when it was the obscenely obnoxious "minus 2 degrees F', and thus any responsible human pet owner, given our supposed place at the top of the global 'food chain' and having all that so-called 'reasoning power', should have been able to recognize this quite significant variation from the greater weather pattern itself and adapted accordingly, that's all! Is that really too much to ask? I mean, come on! Thank you!)

"We Lost! It's Over! Long Beach Has Vanquished Us!" Says Area Mayor To Stunned, Tear-Filled Citizenry

2010-12-30T12:18:00.000-08:00

In a living example of "Victory has 1000 fathers while defeat is an orphan", an area mayor, stating the obvious that any dern fool with half a lick of sense would have seen with crystalline clarity months or years ago, broke the news that the Town of Lamont, - a small, self-absorbed, barely functioning, largely cannibalistic incorporated entity, (and a mere 'town' - not even a doggone fancy-pants 'city'!) has been crushed under the sheer organizational and geographical superiority of one of the gems of small city North America, that doggone Long Beach, WA itself! (Well, we can at least bask in their reflective glory, I guess!)

"Well, what can I say? We are a landlocked little town without a store that pretty much smells like those unfortunate cow byproducts 24/7, for Pete's sake!" said the obviously pained mayor (with a look in his eyes like a rabbit who stumbled out of the bushes only to catch the undivided attention of a nimble, energetic coyote who hasn't eaten in a week!) while scanning for potential avenues of escape from the decidedly unhappy, churning, and edgy mob! "Listen, Long Beach is nestled on the best ocean in the world, they have places to eat and - oh yeah, they have those tourist people (whatever they are - is that like those doggone Canadians, irritable Idahoans or sneaky Shriners or something? What is a tourist, anyway?) who will willingly drive over there to see them without some under-the-table bribe or some such behavior that rests firmly on the shady side of the law! (And don't forget Long Beach has that doggone Gayle Borchard! Darn her glimmering little eyes! How could we ever compete against that?) They are just better than we are, that's all! I know it hurts, but sometimes the cold, hard truth is the best disinfectant for small town dysfunction, for crying out loud!" he mumbled as several of the onlookers rushed home to get their torches and pitchforks - as is the Lamont way! "Listen, we fought the good fight, but petty, small-minded, passive-aggressiveness is just no match against excellent city planning and having a citizenry that appreciates the very foundations of the English Common Law tradition, that's all!" he said soothingly, while backing off the podium in preparation for a mad dash to safety in his largely unknown root cellar! "Listen, I know you are upset! I know you are hurt! I know you feel betrayed! But maybe a relaxing vacation in that soothing vacation Mecca, Long Beach, would bring peace to our ruffled municipal feathers! What do you say! Whose up for a road trip?" said the unbelievable, completely out of touch with the spirit of the people nincompoop!

(Editorial Note: Oh, the humanity! Talk about a political death wish! The dern fool just pretty much lit the fuse to the dynamite that will, more than likely, blow what is left of his tarnished, tattered political capital to smithereens, for Pete sake! What was he thinking?? Oh, how could he mention that doggone Long Beach at a time like this - and as the dadburn medicinal cure for what ails us as a sad, spent, stumbling little town whose light of hope grows dimmer every day, too? What a fool! I mean, how politically and emotionally 'tone deaf' can one elected official be? That is the equivalent of inviting the victims of Hurricane Katrina or that big tsunami to a day at the doggone wave pool! Oh, no wonder Lamont is in such a state! How we survived this long is a mystery to the caring and long suffering staff at the Lamont Blog, that is for sure! Thank you, we think!)

The Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) Wins Rare Statewide Competition

2010-12-29T10:14:00.000-08:00

The Lamont area, long known for its shocking absence of municipal and personal achievements of any kind, stunned the entire Pacific Northwest when it was awarded a rare "First Place" in a competition conducted across the State. "Whoa! I can't believe it! We won! We won! Oh, mercy! Someone get me a glass of that outrageously pure Lamont drinking water courtesy of the USDA-RD, Dept. of Commerce and Century West Engineering before I pass out! Quick!!" (yes, the Lamont Blog is not above even the most shameless of plugs! But come on, when you are as small and dysfunctional as we are, you have to thank the folks who make things happen!) bellowed an area mayor - a man who, given the very nature of his somewhat dubious position, has not seen success or acclamation of any kind in over 5 years. (Nor has the town in well over 100!!!) "I mean, sure, I knew this whole area had a lot of folks who had the nickname of "Bubba" - (pronounced locally as "Bubb-er"!!) but to have the largest number of them, both in terms of a percentage of total population and in real numbers too, well, that is just a dream come true!! Oh, we actually won something! See, we can succeed, albeit in the margins of society, after all!!!!" he gushed insanely, gazing heavenward with a thoughtful, madness-laden repose!

"Sure, when I first moved here, it was pretty darn easy to address people properly - given that a vast majority of the area folks all pretty much went by the same name (sadly, this even extended to the area womenfolk!) - so I had very few socially awkward moments when I called someone by the wrong name! I hate it when I do that!" said the sensitive, socially-conscious public servant. "But, given that we are a town with fewer than 100 people, what are the chances that we would dominate the whole dern State with our obviously unhealthy propensity for naming people "Bubba"? Yikes, it is like a miracle or something! I just wish my poor mother was still alive to share this glory with me! Oh, we actually won something! Someone pinch me!" he stammered excitedly! " See, my five years in the mayoral salt mines were not a complete and total waste, after all!" he blathered annoyingly, always having to make every situation about himself somehow! (Oh, that is so annoying!!!)

(Editorial Note: Although not officially part of the competition itself, the GLMA also had the highest number of people named "Skeeter", Moose, Festus and Jed, although these unfortunate monikers were not officially recognized in the above referenced competition - so that stupid mayor cannot do some distasteful 'victory dance' (known more specifically as the quite disturbing 'Rump Shaker'!) in the front yard over them! Thank you. Oh yeah, and no one even bothered to get him a glass of water like he wanted, either, given that we are not his mother and/or his legs aren't broken, for Pete's sake!! Plus, that would be considered 'helping' - which runs counter to our collective, unspoken creed that binds us together more firmly than even the most solemn of pagan blood oaths!)

Santa Tragically Strays Into Lamont's Airspace For The First Time Since 1910!!

2010-12-24T19:01:00.000-08:00

The lowly and unrepentantly self-destructive town of Lamont, well known in these parts for being decidedly top heavy on the naughty while the nice has been pretty much kicked to the curb, (Whoa! Talk about an understatement!!) momentarily got their holiday hopes up when, due to some inexplicable reindeer malfunction or whatever, the formerly 'Jolly St. Nick' (Also known in these parts as 'that fat guy in the red suit who dresses up like that bell-ringing guy in the Wal-Mart parking lot in Airway Heights'!!) unfortunately flew over the town on his way to those other really nice towns like St. John and Sprague and Fairfield - not to mention the quite awesome County Seat - Colfax! For the record, Santa has officially bypassed the 2nd smallest town in the State ever since its founding in 1910, due in no small part to what an official North Pole spokesperson called "behavior most unbecoming for any town not officially in the grips of a civil war or other such societal upheaval".

"Well, there I was, starting on my 2nd 12-pack since noon when out of no where I heard someone shouting "Ho, Ho, Ho" - so naturally I went bursting into the front yard like a maniac (wearing a stained, "wife beater" shirt, of course!), 12-gauge shotgun in hand, ready to defend the decidedly tarnished honor of the gentler (at least he didn't say fairer! Whoa!) members of the quite expansive Bodine clan!" said the somewhat inebriated Festus 'Skeeter' Bodine, 56, an area farmer/rancher. "Sure, we all treat our family members like they were dirt, especially the womenfolk, but I'll be dadburned if I am going to allow some rotund interloper just passing thru to do it without me being there and egging them on, of course!" he said proudly. "Anyway, when I glanced up to where all that name calling was coming from, I just happened to see that Santa feller come passing over with all them mule deer or whatever the heck that was! Sadly, I was only able to get off two quick shots of buckshot before that crafty sneak had slinked over the dadburn horizon! I am pretty certain I winged the sucker though, although it was hard to tell given that some stupid and quite unexpected airborne sack of coal rendered me senseless in the snow for just about an hour! (If he would have been knocked unconscious by flying coal in our well-plowed and beautifully designed roads, he could have avoided that little 'face in the snow' problem! But do you think the Town will ever get credit for that! Heck no!! All people want to do is complain!) Well, that ought to teach them outsiders to come traipsing into Lamont, just 'a-doing' whatever the heck they think pleases them at the moment! This is our town and we don't need none of that outsider happiness and good cheer around here! It tends to dampen our usual ardor for self-loathing and has the propensity to take all the fun out of hating our neighbors and being generally rotten human beings, sure enough! Why do you think so many of us moved way out here in the first place? Where else could we get away with such blatantly antisocial behavior? Heck, around here, it is the more meanness the merrier!" he beamed thru a disturbing number of missing teeth, tending to remind any onlooker more of Halloween than of the festive Christmas season itself!.

(Editorial Note: Although several attempts have been made to make the Christmas holidays the official Lamont "Fat Guy In A Red Suit" hunting season, with a limit of one per resident, of course, the Council, in their wisdom, has yet to actually vote on the measure, although it does meet with the solid support of well over 70% of the citizenry who, thankfully, mostly cannot vote due to previous felony convictions or failure to ever register - many of said felonies ironically involving firearms and, of course, whatever cheap alcohol swill was on sale that day. And as for the somewhat haphazard shotgun blasts that Mr. Bodine quite incautiously took at the above referenced "Mr. Claus", official incident reports indicate that, like most things that the hapless Skeeter and his ilk does, this blatant, to say nothing of felonious, assault went awry, and no damage to man, beast or sled was reported to Santa's insurance provider. Thank you!)

Entire Town Suspicious After State Quietly Doubles Or Triples Speed Limits In and Around Lamont

2010-12-22T19:45:00.000-08:00

The lowly, profoundly dysfunctional, decidedly underachieving and some would say hopelessly forlorn Town of Lamont, somehow located in the cool, hip, happening, beautiful, outrageously well-managed Whitman County in the far, far, far (did we say far?) eastern portion of the great State of Washington (almost over by Idaho, if you can believe that hideous luck!) - a town long known as a huge embarrassment to not only the power elite in Olympia but also a vast majority of the civilized world that knows how to read and can do basic math, woke up late Tuesday to what amounted to a mini 'Indy 500' or whatever, assuming those annoying flatbed pickup trucks and/or modified wheat trucks were allowed to race in the dern thing - and, of course, if all the Indy 500 drivers were raving mental patients, that is.

"What the? Whoa! Hey, slow it down there, buddy!" bellowed the mayor while safely hiding behind a tree (what a sissy!) just off Main Street! "Oh, sure, I knew that Lamont has been the proverbial 'acne outbreak' on the State's wedding day for decades and all, but couldn't they just have quietly ceded us to Idaho or Oregon or whatever? And whatever the heck happened to the old 'tried and true" condemning our water system trick or something? But this whole speed limit ruse, although effective, just seems to be a little sneaky and underhanded, if you ask me!" he sniveled annoyingly. "Sure, being the mayor of Lamont, of course I have a fair amount of sympathy with the State's goals and aspirations on this point - I mean, who wouldn't? - but it just seems like a somewhat convoluted way to rid the State of a persistent burr under the Olympian saddle, that's all. Dang it all, man! These area people could hardly drive when the posted speed limits were 25 mph in town and 50 mph on the State roads! (we won't even mention that whole 'road sign adherence' problem!) At this rate we will be the smallest town in the State sometime around noon, if my calculations are correct! I guess I did pick a good time to move to sunny New Mexico with its year round golfing, spicy senoritas and outrageously delicious breakfast burritos made the way those rascally Conquistadors used to like them back in the doggone 1500's or whenever that whole European invasion, colonization and blood-thirsty massacre thing actually happened! (When one spends the morning 'conquistadoring' or whatever the heck it was those Conquistadors actually did, it was darn easy to work up one towering hunger, or so the history books say!! And what kind of word is 'Conquistador' anyway? It don't even sound American, for Pete's sake! How can you trust anyone who doesn't even have the decency to have an American sounding name? I mean, come on! But they did know how to make a mean breakfast burrito - so they can't be all bad!) Oh, but one would think that the big cheeses in charge over there in Olympia could have waited until I actually left the State before unleashing 'Operation Road Warrior" on the dern place, that's all! (good thing our roads were designed by Century West Engineering! Just think of the body count then! Thank you CWE!!) What did I ever do to those State 'muckity-mucks'?? Don't my five years in the largely thankless mayoral salt mines count for anything over there? (of course not, you idiot!) What ingrates! I bet that stupid Long Beach never gets singled out for this sort of treatment! Oh, maybe Long Beach is better than we are, after all!" said the blasphemous, short-timing turncoat who was the one who picked the doomed fight with that vacation wonderland in the first place! (only to have his rear end handed to him over and over again! Oh, how embarrassing, even by Lamont standards! And Lamont is one town that knows its embarrassment, let me tell you!!)

Significant Portions Of Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) ' No Fun At All!', Says The Quite Peeved, Challenge-Loving Devil Himself

2010-12-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

The Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area, (GLMA), living up to its somewhat well-deserved reputation of being lackadaisical and underachieving in just about all things, has somehow even managed to disappoint the devil, who, contrary to popular stereotypes, likes a good challenge when it comes to subverting the hapless mankind from its ultimate mission of returning to the loving bosom of the Lord. "Well, half of the fun of being the devil revolves around setting clever snares and traps and other 'devices most devious', so when I come to a little town in the heartland of America - you know, one where people pride themselves on being 'true blue' Americans and all (and why we all moved here in the first place), it is just assumed that there will be a bit of a scuffle or dust-up or real resistance of some kind, however half-hearted, from people in positions of responsibility as I display my wares of deception in preparation for my wicked harvest!" said the none-too-pleased Evil One. "So, when I planted the seeds of inaction, lethargy, laziness and laggardly inattention all those decades ago, I had no idea that some of the folks in these parts would so whole-heartedly adopt these principles of mine and in turn suck all of the fight and spunk out of the place! I won't plant that same bitter harvest again when I go to my next small town, let me tell you! I crave resistance, not meek submission! This has been no fun at all!" he fumed with sulfurous vexation while stamping his cloven hoof! "Sure, in the past I sent all those biting dogs to terrorize the citizenry, but who would have thought that some of the long-term area 'leaders', would defend the families who owned them and unleashed them on helpless school children! Yes, I was the one, way back when, who brought all those energetic and fruitful crime-friendly families to the town, but who would have guessed that some of the area 'ruling elite' would so eagerly befriend, embrace and defend them against the scourge of the law! (Yes, who would have thought THAT!!! Whoa! Thank goodness most are gone!) And finally, I was the one who made the town water go bad, but who would have thought (he almost said 'thunk'! Oh, who would have guessed the devil had such bad grammar? Yikes!) that a disturbingly large segment of the regional elite, almost all living outside the Town itself, would complain about the benefits of the new water system! Where is the dern fun in that? (Wow, the 'Dark One' really does have bad grammar issues! Whoa!!) How boring! How nauseatingly mundane! Oh, I hate nothing more than a willing victim, that's all!" he hissed ominously, flicking his forked tail like an angry Komodo dragon or whatever!

"Well, one always hates to agree with the devil, but in this case I find myself in that quite unenviable position!" said an area mayor, more than a little shame-facedly! "I mean, time after time, year after year, we have met resistance to basic civilization initiatives from the most surprising of places! It just seems that some (not all!) of the 'old timers' in these parts would do just about anything to make sure Lamont stays in the fetid Dark Ages where mob justice reigned supreme and where certain lawless individuals, families and groups could prey on the innocent folks who just want to mind their own business! (or sit by while it happened! This has changed in large part, too!) And what ever happened to the intrinsic appreciation of the principles of American representative democracy in these parts, anyway? Is that another thing the devil clouded their judgment on, too? I thought these America-First types loved America - but then why do they show such hate and contempt by undermining her sacred institutions - like 'one man-one vote', electoral boundaries, separation of church and state, representative government for the governed and all of that?" he murmured inquisitively! "Oh, that devil is a crafty little scamp, indeed!" he concluded with his usual degree of understatement.

(Editorial Note: Of course this is a parody on the acceptance of bad behavior in general and no one, regardless of how tempting it is, should associate these poorly crafted paragraphs with actual or implied demonic influences in Lamont proper. Towns develop an ethos for what behaviors are acceptable, and regardless of the influences that help create that ethos, it is a very real thing - and one Lamont has quite successfully attempted to change, however painful that might have been in implementation. (It is an ongoing battle folks!) So, why not blame those motivations on the devil, anyway? Everyone else blames him! He does seem to have his hands in so many pies! Talk about a go-getter! Thank you!)

Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) Stunned, Confused After Town Accidentally Does Something Right

2010-12-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

The lowly and largely misunderstood Town of Lamont, thru no fault of their own, did something that everyone seems to agree was a good thing, contrary to the prevailing wisdom in the surrounding area that that is, in fact, a metaphysical impossibility and beyond the scope of rational consideration. In truth, the very reality that anything good could ever come out of a place where the long-term residents insist that nothing good can ever flow forth was so shocking that no one can even remember what the doggone good thing was, for Pete's sake!

"What? Lamont did something right? Oh, that is just so wrong!" bellowed Dodo Festoon, 56, a part-time farm wife and alpha busybody/gossip/battle ax! "Half of my own somewhat inverted self-image comes from griping about the supposedly cruddy town I almost live in (in fact, she lives 12 miles outside the Town limits so why she claims us is one of those unfortunate circumstances that one can only chalk up to the very devil himself!) but, of course, I never lift a finger to help, so if they have good things going on over there, even by accident, then how am I supposed to prevent them from happening thru my energetic meddling and malignant mischief-making? Anyway, so how am I to thus reinforce my teetering and twisted self-esteem structure that pivots on blaming others for my own shocking inadequacies and lack of moral fortitude if the town does, in fact, do good things?" she stammered disgustedly (and incoherently!) "That is exactly why me and that whole coven of negative farm wives/gripe bags don't want no change around here! Once you modify even a small thing, then, like a fetid house of cards, our whole flawed and embarrassing edifice comes crashing down around us like one of those barns 'Old Man Snopes' continues to put up year after year. It is insanity, I tell you! We need things to stay the same so no one can see how goofed up we have been all these years!!!" she screeched, breaking glass as far away as Sprague! (and stampeding cattle in a 17 mile radius! Oh, those poor cows are skittish enough with all of those low flying planes and that unfortunate 'wolf re-introduction program' and all!! Do they really need this aggravation, too? I mean, come on!!)

"Well, being the mayor of a place where a vast majority of the area population will put a negative spin on even the most magnanimous of gallant gestures can be a little off-putting, but once you can learn to tune out that frequency it just ain't that bad, really!" said the long suffering and thick skinned area mayor. "Sure, folks in the Lamont area would gripe about a reprieve from the Governor 30 seconds before the hangman pulls the lever on them (and sadly, given Lamont's former crime statistics that these same so-called 'ruling elite' were more than comfortable with and/or even encouraged, several of our notorious area ne're-do-wells have actually done just that!) - but one just needs to realize that negativity is a way of life in this corner of the Palouse and just continue to soldier on, that's all. That is just the way some folks are - and we seem to have more than a few. It is more sad than anything, really. Sure, it is annoying to the extreme and all, but if you can ever get to where you just feel sorry for a person, that makes it a whole lot easier, I guess" he said sympathetically.

Town Continues Long Standing Tradition By Unveiling Latest Mayor Portrait For Display In Town Hall

2010-12-06T08:55:00.000-08:00

The Town of Lamont, a humble little burg that, if nothing else, honors tradition above all else, regardless of its marginal or potentially hindering value in the modern era, continued a practice that stretches back to the dark, murky past - you know, before the town owned an internal combustion engine (in 2008!) and all of that. The public is invited to visit the Town Hall to view these renowned and revered statesmen and women - but it is a good idea to stop in Sprague to use the restroom before driving all the way out here. The Town does not currently have office hours, given our current staffing realities, but if you see a car over by the office that is a pretty fair bet that someone is in there. Oh yeah, and if you want a snack or maybe something to drink, you better buy that in Sprague, too! Ya'll come on down, ya hear! Thank you. And don't forget to visit our pride and joy - the now-famous Bug Tussle Park! How much more exciting does it get than that? Make a day of it! Okay, maybe 15 minutes would be sufficient, but what an exciting 15 minutes that would be! Whoa!!! Why deny yourself?

Area 'Artistic Type' Captures Epic And Potentially Socially Significant Struggle Between The Hapless Lamont And That Doggone Long Beach

2010-12-03T21:15:00.000-08:00

In an artsy, innovative attempt to capture on canvas one of the longest simmering yet decidedly one-sided municipal conflicts in Washington state history, one of the world's less-well known painters, that painter guy, (what is his dern name, anyway?) applied his quite considerable although unrecognized talents to doing whatever it is those artist types do as it relates to the now famous Lamont/Long Beach dust up. (Given the quite comprehensive whipping Lamont has been taking as of late, we at the Lamont Blog would hardly flatter this altercation with the much too glamorous descriptor of a 'dust up'! It is much more akin to an elite Army Ranger brushing off an undersized 3rd grader by putting his outstretched hand on the young hellion's forehead as the tot just swings away in vain or whatever! I mean, come on! That is hardly a 'dust up' worthy of the name!!) "Well, of course I prefer to get my art on the cover of a cereal box or whatever, so I am no real judge of fine art, I guess" said Wilber Bodine, an area farmer/rancher. "But, first of all, what is with that whole creative license thing? If that Lamont guy is supposed to somehow represent our mayor, then first off, the guy has way too much hair! Whoa! That pirate would be blinded in a second once the sun beamed unmercifully off the mayor's ever-expanding forehead, for Pete's sake! Why not capture reality for reality's sake, is what I want to know!" he remarked quite astutely! (Darn his beady little eyes!)

"Second, it looks like our cowardly and decidedly poltroon-like mayor is actually putting up a fight there, when in reality it is much more his style to run away, screaming like a dadburn school girl or whatever! And what is that thing in his hand, an eggbeater or something? Everyone in these parts knows that dern mayor ain't no good with firearms. I did like the part about that pirate guy getting ready to smite the mayor with the wrath of the truly justified, however. That was pretty cool. Too bad that part ain't true, though! I would pay cash money to see that" he said a tad too gleefully! "Oh yeah, and those do look like some of that doggone mayor's 'big city' clothes that only he would wear! Dang, I bet he has never had a pair of manure-covered cowboy boots on in his life! How we ever elected a mayor without manure-covered cowboy boots is beyond me! What a moment of electoral insanity! We will not make THAT mistake again, let me tell you!" he said sternly! "And now that I look at it again, the mayor guy is kind of cringing in fear there - so maybe that is more than a little accurate, after all" said the budding patron of the arts, at least art where the mayor is in imminent peril of being dismembered or rendered senseless or whatever.

(Editorial Note: For the sake of accuracy, the nicely planned vacation wonderland of Long Beach is a peace loving town and prefers to coexist with other incorporated entities in the Great State of Washington, so any depiction of violence, however implied or symbolic, is outside the scope of the annoyingly peace loving nature of Long Beach and is solely in the somewhat disturbed mind of the 2nd smallest town in the State. Thank you!)

Shock Study: 2nd Smallest Town In The State Has The Best Doggone Snowplowed Roads In The Whole Dadburn Region

2010-12-02T11:31:00.000-08:00

In a stunning revelation that runs counter to basic human intuition, 100 years of largely lackadaisical performance on just about every level, the whole principle of 'Economies of Scale' and the very fact that Lamont cannot grab their own rear-end with both hands on a good day, a recent informal survey of snow removal in Eastern Washington placed the hapless, struggling, often self-destructive town of Lamont as the top performer when it came to municipal snow removal. "Well, being the mayor of this town has been an experience that will last me a lifetime, let me tell you, but a snow-related honor such as this, unfortunately, is likely to just rile up the local and area folks even more - you just watch. From the feedback we have received so far, one would think that the Town of Lamont paid to have other towns ship their excess snow in here to dump at every major intersection! Oh, the wailing and gnashing of teeth has been deafening, although actual driving conditions after we got done plowing have never been better! Lamont (and the surrounding area, too!! You should never forget those little darlings!) is a town that could be starving and complain about a free Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings! Lamont is a town that, if lost without supplies in the Sahara desert for three days, would complain about the glass of water someone so graciously handed them! Let's face it, we have the largest concentration of nags and bellyachers and nitpickers and general malcontents that you can expect to find anywhere! (and none of these people ever volunteer for a doggone thing, of course! That would just be self-defeating!) But it is nice we have the best-plowed roads, though! I guess I need to brace myself for the complaints about how much money the town spent per capita to make the roads so much nicer than the surrounding towns! I am sure the argument will be that if it is good enough for 'Town X' then why would Lamont do any better than that. Oh, it is always something around here!" he sighed resignedly!

"Well, all I have to say is that I wish the Town did a whole lot better or a whole lot worse!" said Dick Dumas, 56, a local griper extraordinaire. "Anyway, I was walking by the corner of 8th and Spokane Streets and I saw a snowball in the intersection that one of the kids had thrown - just sitting there like some beacon of snowplowing incompetence, so of course I marched right over to that doggone mayor's house to express my quite extensive, multi-layered and ultimately mercurial outrage to him in person! I mean, why was the snowplow not poised right there, just waiting for some errant snowball to be cast into a major intersection in the town? What are they doing over there? If I were the Mayor, I would have a truck dedicated to every stinking intersection in the town to handle just such horrific eventualities! But no, that stupid mayor was just sitting back, waiting for some passing car to go crashing into the baseball sized menace - with the potential loss of life and all of that!" he fumed, working himself up into the third real lather of the day! (The first one had to do with a guest on Oprah and the 2nd one had to do with the unfairness of the lottery - given that he never wins!) "If the town is not going to remove every single flake and clump of snow that just happens to take up residence in this town, then why do they do anything at all? Oh, and they better not be paying for this snow removal, neither! If huge piles of snow are good enough for (Town/City name redacted!), then they are sure as heck good enough for us!" he rambled incoherently, once again arguing both sides of the debate at the same time - as is the nature of the citizenry for miles around! (Don't forget the little darlings!) "Anyway, whatever they do is just plain wrong, that's all! And I know they are doing it just to make me mad - which just serves to make me even madder!" he sputtered like a true paranoiac - spittle flying in a perfect 180 degree arc - thus increasing the accumulated moisture problem that so vexes him!

Area Mayor Checks Self Into "Psychiatric Institution" To Address Chronic And Long Festering 'Battered Mayor Syndrome'

2010-11-29T11:18:00.000-08:00

In a bold move that has mental health professionals across the nation applauding the proactive nature of his actions, an area mayor, applying a somewhat high degree of self-analysis, took an unpaid sabbatical from his largely meaningless and unpaid job in the 2nd smallest town in the State and checked himself into a highly renowned although somewhat creepy regional mental health facility, the decidedly misnamed Charming Acres, late Tuesday. "Well, the caring although oftentimes ghoulish staff at Charming Acres pride ourselves on taking the worst cases imaginable, but when that mayor came staggering in here begging to be admitted, even our seasoned and largely callous staff were taken aback in shock and consternation - actually resulting in 3 employee resignations and one staff member of 26 years unfortunately having himself committed to help overcome the ordeal!" said Nurse Hatchet, a burly and none-too-gentle care giver who is no stranger to the high pressure water hose or that 'hush-hush' electro-shock gadget or whatever. "Anyway, after we managed to calm him down with that tranquilizer gun we got from the zoo supply place and strapped him down (none too gently!) on the cold metal cot in his unheated room (ironically, this arrangement was much more peaceful than the doggone town office!), he began to recount stories of being the mayor of a town where people for miles around hate everything that is ever done, regardless of their personal benefit, and who, if the obviously traumatized mayor is to be believed, exhibit behaviors that are completely outside the confines of even the most basic of human social contexts whatsoever!" she said mournfully, shaking her head although her hair never moved at all due to a quite impressive application of industrial strength hair spray or something. "Oh, it was horrid! Several of our staff members, the ones who resigned, in fact, just happened to be walking down the hall and overheard some of the things that go on in that town/region and even decades of professional training could not prepare them for the nightmarish horror show that he recounted! Oh, and the attending physician, you know, the one who had himself committed, that poor man had to hear all of it! It is a miracle he was not reduced to some vegetative state right there on the spot! I cannot help but shudder at the very thought of that disgusting tale of woe and outrageous ingratitude and nitpicking!" she stammered, crossing herself in a vain attempt to ward off the reflective evil and nastiness!

"So, although one would have thought it impossible for a region in this day and age to be so singularly devoted to chaos and civic disorder, it would appear that any number of people from whatever town/region he comes from is really a throw back to some imaginary wild west scenario where, like the book "Lord of the Flies", people just want to be allowed to tear each other apart and to reduce the town to rubble! Anyway, the mayor, not being from these parts, just naturally assumed that the townsfolk would want to be able to walk down the street without being attacked by dogs or have roving criminals terrorizing the place day and night - so you can imagine his shock when the area 'ruling elite' jumped firmly behind the dysfunction and discord! It would appear that this particular group of individuals, most living outside the town itself, have crafted a unique 'survival of the fittest' scenario where the very basest of human tendencies are applauded while basic constraints that every other town in the State takes for granted are met with scorn and derision! No wonder that poor mayor had such a profound mental event! It has to be like waking up in the middle of a "Twilight Zone" episode or whatever! It just makes me thankful for the town I live in, let me tell you!" she gushed, making a mental note to be considerably less nasty in the town she lives in!!

(Editorial Note: As with any town or other human grouping, the 80-20 principle applies. 80% of the citizenry are quiet, normal, law abiding folks who, as Richard Nixon used to say, are the silent majority - but the remaining 20 percent, the ones who benefit psychologically or materially from being able to bully their way through life at the expense of their neighbors, are any mayor's primary focus. But to have the so-called 'Area Elite" side with the law breakers and the social miscreants seems to be what sets some towns apart from others - and goes a long way to explain why some towns are small and unhappy and the focus of disproportionate Sheriff attention and some are not. It is all a matter of municipal tone - as defined by what is acceptable and what is not - and not having even the most basic of municipal standards for behavior, particularly as it relates to existing state and local laws, is what makes some towns more challenging to govern than others, that's all! We are just thankful this is not a 70-30 town! Big blessings oftentimes come in small packages! Thank you! Oh yeah, special thanks goes to the former 'Rabbit Nose' for the inspiration for this unfortunate tale of woe!!)

Area Farmer/Rancher Zombies Return From Grave To Help Drag Lamont Back To Highly Undesirable And Profoundly Lawless 'Dark Ages'

2010-11-26T13:09:00.001-08:00

In a decidedly unsettling and grisly (although not completely unexpected!) backlash against progress of any kind in the 2nd smallest town in the State, a shockingly organized cabal of the walking undead descended on Lamont in a last-ditch attempt to drag the town back in time to a period where men were men and dogs were allowed to run around biting people - oh yeah, and there weren't all those stinking sidewalks and paved roads strewn all over the place and all the town buildings were unpainted like they should be! Although often painful in the extreme, many if not most small towns experience growing pains related to advancement outside their municipal comfort zone(s), but few regions ever go to the extreme of summoning the walking undead to help sway the scales of progress into the retroactive position, however - as the Lamont area appears to be doing. "Well, we spent our whole lives making sure the Town remained backwards and anarchistic, and I'll be dadburned if I am going to let a little thing like the cold, cruel grave hinder me from taking action as a few city slickers come in and want to pry Lamont from the clutches of complete and total randomness and disorder!" said Jethro Bodine, a formerly deceased farmer/rancher, and the main spokesperson for the wriggling mass of undead cannibals who spend a vast majority of their time stumbling about the place, grunting and groaning and looking for a quick snack of human flesh. "I mean, we did just fine for many decades with no law and order, bad water, gravel roads, an aversion to the Sheriff and all of those other true joys of the rural life, but when that dern elected group over there went all crazy and brought in that stupid library project with an actual flush toilet, (with money provided by the County - the same bunch that provides the doggone Sheriff! What nerve they have!) that is when the alarm bells went off in the very depths of Hell itself and we farmers/ranchers needed to do something really nasty and backward looking - and quick!" he rambled in a mumbling sort of way like zombies tend to do, although speaking fairly clearly for a creature without that whole tongue/upper pallet thing to help form words. "Lamont needs to be left alone to just eventually crumble into the dustbin of history, and although when we were alive we never actually lived within the town itself and certainly never lifted a finger to help improve things, (Oh, Heaven forbid!! Why would they ever do more than complain, anyway?) we still have a vested interest in seeing this long pattern of dysfunction and decay continue uninterrupted, doggone it! Darn that mayor and his big city ways! This modernization thing will not stand! It makes us all look bad and serves to highlight our collective laziness and inertia! We have a false reputation to uphold, doggone it! - you know, that whole salt-of-the-earth, backbone-of-America nonsense and all of that!" he gurgled disgustingly!

"Well, being the mayor of Lamont one can grow accustomed to just about any outrage, but even I was slightly taken aback when our few, well-plowed streets were filled with any number of nightmarish creatures caught between the quick and the dead. At first, I could not figure out what was going on, given that fashions have obviously not changed very much in Lamont over the years, but when one of the undead ghouls accosted me as I was shoveling snow by the fire station and grunted something about Lamont needing to stay in the grips of lawless abandon, I knew that this was slightly different from the normal citizen complaint!" (not very much different, though!) said an area mayor who, after 5 years, has pretty much seen it all! (Oh, the stories he could tell!!) "Somehow Lamont is surrounded by a bunch of folks who have more than a passing interest in opposing every single initiative that any other normal town/region would view as the most basic of civic baselines - but what surprises me is the length that these folks will go to in order to ensure that Lamont remains firmly outside the loving embrace of the modern era! I mean, how can so many folks be against basic human dignity - under the guise of citizen rights and the American dream - particularly when they don't live within the town limits and also because of the fact that with all rights come responsibilities - particularly to those less fortunate in society - like school kids walking to school being free from dog attacks! I just don't get how so many supposed "area leaders" can be so firmly planted on the side of lawlessness and mob justice! It really makes me worry for America in general and rural America in particular! But, that is just all in a days work when you are the mayor of the 2nd smallest town in the State, I guess!" he sighed resignedly, returning to his largely ineffectual snow shoveling. "I bet that doggone Long Beach doesn't have this problem! I imagine Long Beach's citizens would complain about lawlessness of any kind - not vice-versa! Oh, maybe they are better than we are, after all!" he murmured (pathetically) under his breath so no one could hear him utter those forbidden words!

Lamont Unveils New Town Motto To Ride Crest Of 'Modernization Tsunami' Into Intimidating And Largely Unnecessary 21st Century

2010-11-24T11:44:00.000-08:00

The lowly and largely misunderstood Town of Lamont, known for miles around as the town that cannot, even under the most decidedly favorable conditions, grab its own rear-end with both hands, has thrown convention onto the manure pile and is attempting to do what is known in the 'outside world' as a bit of branding - a marketing term that has something to do with institutions or products or something like that. (Hey, how can branding not be associated with cows? That just seems crazy to me!) The lowly Lamont, known until recent years as the town without houseplants given the formerly outrageously bad state of the town water system after decades of neglect and inaction (Thank you USDA and CBDG and Century West Engineering for helping us rectify this situation!!) has decided that it needs a new slogan - a new moniker, if you will, to help capture the current unsettling energy and verve that seems to be gripping the town by the throat in the last few, quite painful years. "Well, nothing pains us more as a town than positive change, (The negative kind seems okay, however!) but it is high time that the town dust off its tarnished and largely disreputable (yet well-deserved!) past and take several teetering baby steps towards the modern era, for Pete's sake!!" said an area mayor with more than a dash of cringing fear and trepidation. "Sure, that whole unfortunate houseplant reputation thing was a little embarrassing, and, sure, since our founding in 1910 we have been affectionately known across the Palouse as the epicenter of pungent and often overwhelming halitosis, (not to mention those other unfortunate, largely bovine-related odors! Whoa!!) but we need to update our decidedly well-deserved image to embrace the future, however unsettling and unnerving that may seem!" he said with far less enthusiasm than is normally shown by even an innocent man being unceremoniously frog-marched thru the snow to the waiting gallows. "So, our new town slogan "Lamont - Where Fair To Middling Is The Best We Can Ever Hope For!" seems to capture some of the new hope and possibility that Lamont is trying to parley into new residents and maybe even a single, solitary store or coffee shop or whatever!" he rambled on annoyingly - never being one to shy away from aspiring to even the most unreachable of pipe dreams (Come on! Lamont with a store? How insane is that?) or clinging desperately to the most ridiculous and far-fetched of forlorn hopes!

"Well, given that Lamont is the town that never quite managed to paint their one, single, solitary building - the Fire Station/Town Hall in 60+ years, it goes without saying that running around changing things and improving stuff before it just collapses into a heap of smoldering ruin runs counter to the prevailing farm wisdom for miles around - so this bold, brave step into that whole 're-branding' thing is bound to be as unpopular as all of the other 'big city' things we have done in the last few years, but maybe it is time for people to begin to quit clinging onto a failed and dismal past that somehow catapulted us into the quite unenviable position as the 2nd smallest town in the State!" he blathered on endlessly as he tends to do when anyone, however remote, seems to be paying even a modicum of attention to him. "I mean, we are still facing a simmering citizen revolt from when we instituted a new, largely tooth-less dog ordinance several years back because some people think it is their God-given right to let their animals attack school children walking to school (some of them thought this way, anyway!) - and naturally we still have any number of people who won't walk on the new sidewalks (Thank you Greg Partch and the TIB!! Our new roads are beautiful!) because they preferred the dusty, unreliable gravel roads and view their embarrassing, archaic, illogical behavior as some gallant form of civic protest akin to flying the flag at half mast in moments of national tragedy or grief (ironically, the biting dog people and the sidewalk people tend to come from the same families! Go figure!!) - oh yeah, and don't forget those folks who don't want a new library because all that fancy book learning, as everyone knows, is a razor-sharp arrow in the devil's quiver - but still we must move on - however tentatively and reluctantly this advancement may appear to others!" he gushed fearfully, glancing about as if expecting some piano or anvil or whatever to come tumbling out of the sky onto his somewhat thinning hair/head! (Yes, the cartoon "The Roadrunner" is now the official Town cartoon - having replaced "Scooby-Doo" just last year in another one of those controversial mayoral initiatives to help modernize the place!)

(Editorial Note: This new Lamont motto, although falsely modest and largely discombobulated like everything that Lamont does, is still vastly inferior to that doggone Long Beach's motto, that rambles on about being a really fun place to live and vacation - and something about having stores or whatever! That is just like them! Having to have some logical, contextually accurate, easy to remember motto that is much more enjoyable to read than the Lamont motto. Darn their beady little eyes - and their stupid motto, too. That is all we have to say on the matter! Thank you!)

Lamont Releases Provocative And Alluring 2011 Calendar Featuring Local Beauties - Area Puritanical Do-Gooders Up In Arms!

2010-11-14T14:07:00.000-08:00

For the 34th year in a row, the Town of Lamont, never one to shy away from controversy and often finding itself on the cutting edge of every avant-garde social movement and/or fad that comes down the pike, has produced yet another socially stunning and controversial calendar that leaves very little to the imagination when it comes to a shameless exhibition of the female form, (On the hoof, anyway!!) insiders report. This said calendar, (Editorial Note: The dern thing only has 12 pages, for some reason!! What cheapskates!), quite shockingly displays a disturbing level of actual exposed female flesh, thus obviously attempting to draw on the more prurient segments of the farmer/rancher calendar reading audience. "Well, as if we didn't have enough reason to want to run off all half-cocked and crazy acting - but now that dern Mayor pretty much leaves us with no dadburn choice!" said Dodo Festoon, an area farm wife and notorious gossip/busybody/snoot-bag. "It is a crying shame that half the dern rancher wives in these parts let their cows run around half naked, but to capture this outrageous indecency with one of them fancy cameras and to plaster this moral outrage all over some two-bit calendar for everyone without a lick of sense to gawk at just seems contrary to the very moral fibers that this country now so sorely lacks, if you ask me!" she fumed, looking slightly less insane with her blushing, obviously embarrassed cheeks helping to draw attention away from her cold, reptilian eyes that are as dead and lifeless as a shark's.

"I remember a time when any farm/ranch wife worthy of the name would spend those long, cold winter months inside the house, knitting each one of the cows a shawl or sweater or covering of some kind. But now, it would seem that every farm wife within 20 miles of the place spends all their time running down the town and partaking in shameless gossip and back-biting in a vain attempt to somehow derail all them 'big city' changes that are taking place in Lamont - and I'd be surprised if nary a stitch has been joined together this whole year in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA)!! It's a crying shame, I tell you!" she screeched, spittle flying in every direction! "If the Good Lord wanted our cows to run around in their dadburn birthday suits, He wouldn't have invented knitting, now would he?" said the biblical and reason-challenged battle-ax with real, hardly concealed anger management problems! "Oh, and anyone who would look at that sort of thing, much less hang it on the doggone wall, just needs their head examined, for Pete's sake! This country is sick, I already knew that, but I just had no idea how sick it really was!" she concluded with more than her usual generous helping of unbridled lunacy, while failing to note, quite ironically, that she, too, has not managed to knit one measly cow shawl or festive, brightly colored poncho or whatever - particularly since that doggone mayor took over - with all them 'Big City Ways' - because there just ain't enough hours in the day to knit and viciously slander the Mayor at the same time, now are there? (Editorial Note: And don't we know that fact, too!! Oh, where does the time go, anyway? And let's be honest here, who wants to just sit around knitting like some Geritol-taking granny when there is some serious slandering to do? I mean, come on!)

Politically Powerful 'Lamont Bovine Association' Condemns That Doggone Long Beach For Exploiting Cows For Cheap and Tawdry Political Gain

2010-11-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

A local bovine support organization lowered its horns and is prepared to charge after an inflammatory photo began to circulate around Lamont - the origin of said photo being that doggone show-off Long Beach, if shameless rumors are to be believed! This unsavory display of bovine humiliation can only serve to raise the already fever-pitch tensions between Lamont, a small, disorderly, largely mission-less (and laggardly!) town in the Palouse and the bright, nicely planned, refreshing, well-managed and tourist friendly Mecca where the beautiful people with actual money go on vacation - yes, that stupid Long Beach itself!

"Well, that is all I need right now! Oh, that is all I need!" whined an area Mayor who has enough on his plate, wearing the shame of being the Mayor of the 2nd smallest town in the State that doesn't even have a public restroom, let alone any stores - not even a 'Quick Stop' or a measly 'newspaper stand'!! "Oh yeah, like my life is not already filled with crushing levels of self-doubt, simmering self-esteem issues and a general propensity towards feelings of claustrophobic doom! So, of course, amidst that foul gumbo of the basest of human emotions, in trots that dadburn Long Beach, having to stir up our easily excitable and potentially explosive bovine boosters who really only have one local target of choice - yours truly himself! Thanks loads, Long Beach! Oh yeah, that's just peachy!!!" he sniveled while shaking his fist in the general direction of the Pacific Ocean!

"So, there I was, minding my own business, acting like I wasn't home like I usually do when I am, in fact, at home - and the next thing I knew both my front door and back door began to heave under the pounding of the truly motivated and/or potentially criminally insane - so what could I do? Anyway, when I tried to shamelessly slip out the side window in a vain attempt to slither on my belly out to the barn in the tall grass I had neglected to mow in over a month (of Sundays!) I ended up nose to nose with that fearsome Jethro Festoon (and his goons!), the acting President of the Lamont Bovine Association himself. And even before the whiskey breath hit me in the face like a 30 pound salmon that had been left in the sun for too long, he proceeded to shove that stupid Long Beach photo in my face, demanding some sort of feeble explanation from me or some pound of flesh or whatever! What could I say to the man? I have done my best for over two years to dismantle that stupid seaside wonderland and vacation paradise brick by brick, so how is it my fault that they are basically impervious to my pathetic yet persistent barbs! They are inhuman or superhuman or whatever! Hey, I really need some help there! Just when I think I have gained the upper hand, or maybe even the upper finger, even for an hour or two, (Okay, those poorly chosen words, regardless of the largely inarticulate symbolism they pretend to convey, seem to border on some obscene hand gesture that the Lamont Blog cannot approve of! This is a family friendly blog, for Pete's sake!) that doggone Gayle Borchard comes trotting in, all chipper and happy and glowing from some new and hideous planning success for her City, and begins throwing her strategically placed little photographic hand grenades all over the place and the next thing you know I am politically blown to smithereens onto the wastes of Adams County! (except for the ground Lamont is situated on, Whitman County doesn't have any wastelands!) Oh, like I don't have enough issues on my plate without having to constantly be bested by some outrageous City that I have only been to twice! (In fact, he has been there a few more times than that - usually in disguise!) Don't I already carry the crushing, cumulative shame and humiliation of any ten men, being the thankless Mayor of Lamont and all? All I have to say is "Thanks, Long Beach! Your timing is superb, as always!!! And, oh yeah, darn your beady little eyes, too!" he concluded before dragging his spare bed down into the root cellar where no one will hopefully look for him - at least not for a little while, anyway! (And by that time maybe they will be sobered up! Doubtful, but a man can dream, can't he?)

Area Mayor Goes All "Gangsta" In Concerted Attempt To Reach Out To Fast-Growing (and annoying!) Rapper Segment Of Local Citizenry

2010-11-08T11:05:00.000-08:00

In a bold move to provide robust and nuanced mayoral leadership to every segment of the 2nd smallest citizenry in the state, an area mayor bought outrageously baggy pants, spent the last of his savings at a Spokane jewelry pawn shop and altered his normal speech patterns in order to reach out to the disturbingly fast-growing 'Rap sub-culture' in the town, late Tuesday. "Yo! Word to your mother! What up, dude?" said an area mayor, who unfortunately still sounds like some Russian guy and not a genuine rapper - at least not the ones on TV. (Editorial Note: Oh great! We at the Lamont Blog thought that that whole Russian accent thing when the mayor was acting like a pirate was bad enough - but a Russian rapper! Oh, the humanity!! Maybe we should move down the road and become the Sprague Blog, or maybe even the St. John Blog! (St. John is really the best managed small town in Washington!) This is just too much for even us to take! A Blog has to have some community standards, after all! Thank you!) "Well, I have to reach out to my 'peeps', yo! I am so down with that! Public acknowledgment and understanding is the 'gin and juice" of our democracy, yo! Word!" he rambled on annoyingly, still sounding like Checkov from Star Trek, but only in baggy pants that show his underwear! Checkov would have been booted off the show if he would have showed up wearing pants like that. Even the Klingons would never have been caught dead in duds like that! I mean, come on!

"Well, although I understand the sentiment and all, I just cannot see how a middle-aged, balding, horizontally-challenged mayor can ever hope to pull off some hopefully passing fad that originated in Los Angeles or whatever" said Wilber Snopes, 64, an area farmer/rancher. "I mean, anyone who has ever seen the mayor read the water meters knows full well that he is no stranger to baggy pants, but we all just assumed that he was imitating a plumber and all of the unfortunate symbolism that that entails. So, I guess if you think of it, that jump to being a rapper, whatever that means, is not a very big one - but seeing less of the mayor's backside is a worthy goal I think we all can share. But all that big clunky jewelry! Rings on every finger and that big "M" medallion hanging from his neck like he was that "Flav-a-Flav" or whoever that weird guy is! (The 'M' stands for Mayor!) I believe he calls it 'bling', but I call it stupid! That is all just so crazy! And I won't even mention his new gold tooth with a map of Whitman County worked right in there! Oh, that is just so wrong! I just feel strongly that we, as a town, should not be encouraging that sort of thing, that's all! But the last straw was all of those "Yo momma is so fat' jokes that he tells now! He may be attempting to reach out to the 'rapper' segment of the population, but he is sure alienating the easily slighted and long-remembering 'farm wife' one with those poorly chosen although oftentimes very apt and downright funny jokes! Oh, why cannot Lamont just go back to being Lamont - you know, the town with aggressive roving dogs, no public restrooms, and where certain crime families were allowed to run amok terrorizing the citizenry at will - without any of the 'so-called good citizens' lifting a finger to stop them and protect the innocent residents from this anarchy. Now that was the historical Lamont that we could all love - not this town that is pirate one week and rapper the next! Somehow we just need to be who we are, that's all!" he concluded stoically while hiking up his pants to make darn sure no one can see his underwear, doggone it!

(Editorial Note: For the record, the most awesome Clerk/Treasurer in the continental USA in this age and any other, Cheryl Loeffler of Fairfield fame, has completely refused to participate in this latest town 'rapper' phase, although she did manage a few 'arrghh's' when Lamont was going thru its thankfully short-lived pirate stage - although she did draw the line on wearing an eye patch to the town meeting(s). Cheryl, a refreshing addition to the Lamont team, however, has shown more open skepticism towards that whole 'rapper' thing, and has even been seen turning the blaring Town radio (we are too small to own a boom-box!) away from the Spokane rap station - and onto some radio station that plays a much less hip and phat blend of music that doesn't even come close to capturing the spirit of the streets! We still appreciate her anyway. Sadly, any hope of her getting one of her teeth capped with a map of Whitman County seems remote at best, especially since she lives and works in Spokane County. No one is perfect, we guess!)

The Ever-Intensifying Lamont/Long Beach Tussle Follows Historical Agrarian/Urban Conflict Model, Says Egghead Area Anthropologist

2010-11-06T17:00:00.000-07:00

In a tale of woe, sadness, shame and intrigue as old as the institution of agriculture itself, the current simmering cultural conflict between the small, struggling, store-less, disturbingly dysfunctional Town of Lamont and the vibrant, lively, energetic and extremely well-managed City of Long Beach appears to follow the natural course of historical human cultural development, says Dr. Winston Peabody III, a renowned cultural anthropologist from BSU. According to Dr. Peabody, as far back as the human record goes, small, isolated, inward-looking, shockingly self-absorbed agricultural communities have traditionally fallen prey to societies that either had too much energy, brains, talent, social prowess and/or general martial gumption to stay tied to the same piece of land year after year. And, of course, given that everyone does have to eat on a regular basis, if you, as a society, could make some dramatic raid once a year, preferably right after harvest, and abscond with someone else's vittles that you didn't have to work in the hot sun for, that was a pretty sweet deal, assuming you didn't get stabbed in the gut with a pitchfork or something. (The farmer types never really warmed to this quite necessary although somewhat limiting (for them!) cultural development, needless to say!)

"Anyway, if you think of all of the most dynamic cultures in the history of mankind, the ones we tend to admire and venerate were the ones who tended to bonk their neighbors on the head, take their food, and move on to repeat the process on some other hapless victim down the road or whatever" said Dr. Peabody III. "If you think of those exciting Vikings, the amazingly organized Romans, Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan - you could just go right down the list - all of them didn't just sit around the place watching the wheat grow and worrying if the cow was going to have a normal birth! Heck no! They were men and women of action - the builders and shapers of all the things that we hold in high regard, even today. I mean, who wants a hero who is well known for getting up at 3:30 AM every morning to milk a cow and, as an after thought, scoop manure out of a stall? Where is the glamour in that? Look at those doggone British. They come from a relatively small island off the coast of Europe and they conquered the whole dern world, almost. How can you sail around the world, thumping other cultures on the head and swiping their stuff if you have to be home in time for the 2nd milking of the day? It just doesn't make any sense! So yes, there are winners and losers in this world, and history has favored those who can break out of tradition, embrace change and adapt to evolving circumstances. So, if you look at this whole Lamont/Long Beach dust-up in that light, this really goes a long way to explaining those tensions. Oh yeah, and if I were you, I would put my money on Long Beach. The smart money is always on the pirate-personality types versus those who just want to poke around the barn, milking and shoveling manure and watching the wheat grow. That is just the natural order of things, that's all! Don't blame me! I am just the messenger of the obvious, for Pete's sake!" he concluded sagely.

(Editorial Note: Well, we at the Lamont Blog, especially since we live in an agrarian portion of the Great State of Washington, cannot endorse bonking anyone on the head, unless, of course, that somehow excludes bonking people from Idaho on the head. Bonking Idahoans on the head is a healthy, rewarding pastime, and if we somehow inadvertently happen to bring home a few potatoes in the process, that is completely different from some Viking warship docking on our shores and going berserk all over the place or some stupid pirate galleon pillaging us on the high seas and making everyone walk the plank!! When it comes to bonking someone on the head, as the Good Book says, it is indeed better to give than to receive! As long as it is not Long Beach bonking us on the head. That is just wrong on just about every conceivable level. Thank you!)

Nation Stunned, Pensive As Lamont Officially "Crosses the Rubicon" Into The Frightening 20th Century (Yes, we have high speed internet now!)

2010-11-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

The lowly and laggardly Town of Lamont, a municipal incorporation that has turned holding onto the past into a genuine art form, stunned the entire nation by shamelessly adopting a communication technology most often used by 'them big city people' - yes, Lamont is now connected to the World Wide Web (WWW, whatever that is!) via a stunningly fast 'high speed internet connection'. This town, best known as the human settlement that didn't actually get their first vehicle powered by the internal combustion engine for 98 years (sadly, this is all true!), is well known for rejecting modernity as 'the fruits of the devil', so those 'in the know' cannot help but be shocked by their quite reckless and 'devil-may-care' adoption of a communication protocol that does not require people to wait about 5 doggone minutes to pull up a simple Google page, for Pete's sake! "Well, let's just say that we started leaving our municipal 'comfort zone' just about the time they started making buggy whips with those stupid man-made fibers worked in there and all!" said an area Mayor who considers his toaster to be an advanced piece of electronic equipment (Well, it does use them electroid things or whatever!) "Anyway, as you all know, Lamont now has the most awesome Clerk/Treasurer in the history of the whole doggone world, that Cheryl Loeffler of Fairfield fame (she really is pretty darn awesome! What a God-send she is!), and she has worked out this whole remote connectivity thing or whatever, don't ask me, anything more advanced than sticking your head out the front door and hollering seems like voodoo mischief to me - but she was doing this via dial-up and it was taking forever to do basic things, so she brought high speed connectivity up in our last meeting and, amazingly enough, the Council went for it! I am 99.99% sure they had no idea what they were agreeing to, I know I sure didn't, but I made one quick call to that totally awesome (And understanding! And patient! And able to work effectively with the technology challenged!) RitzCom communications and the next thing I knew all them computer pages were just flying up on the screen like a Banshee queen or whatever" he gushed ignorantly!

"Well, given that the world is going to hell in a hand basket and that this certainly matches all the biblical signs for the "End Times", we in the bible prophecy community have kept a close eye on Lamont as some sort of 'bell-weather' for the global apocalypse and all" said Rev. Wilber Leadbottom, a renowned area biblical scholar. "So, needless to say, when Lamont went hog wild and bought that fancy truck/snow plow we pretty much knew that that whole Rapture thing was right around the corner. But leaving dial-up for high speed internet pretty much lets the faithful the world over know that we may only have hours or days left of this earthly burden! Repent, you sinners, repent!" he bellowed, shaking his fist menacingly. "I mean, if you cannot count on Lamont being a century or two behind the rest of the nation, then I am not certain that we can trust the very ground under our feet! Oh, and I still don't see what was wrong with Nellie, the Lamont town mule! Sure, she did tend to leave 'road apples' in front of the Mayor's mailbox and all, and she did have that little 'kicking problem', but she sure could clean out a ditch in record time and as a watchdog she was beyond compare. But no, Lamont had to go get all fancy and buy a modern vehicle! (pronounced 'veee-hick-el). Oh, times, they are a-changin'!!! he concluded solemnly before throwing salt over his shoulder 3 times and spitting to ward off the 'evil eye'!

Shock Study: Area Mayor's Hairline Continues To Decrease At An Increasing Rate!

2010-11-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

In a sad, genuinely disturbing state of affairs that has Town leaders contemplating drastic and possibly extra-constitutional action, (if for no other reason than to save what is left of the Town's tattered reputation) an area mayor's hairline, although less than impressive when he took office five years ago, has begun to recede at such an alarming rate that drastic action is now mandated, insiders report. "Well, I don't know how to put this gently, but if I was an advertising agency specializing in billboards, that doggone mayor's forehead would be prime real estate!" said Wilber Snopes, an area farmer/rancher who lives outside of town but who has lived in the area for so long that he feels that he should have a direct say in the internal affairs of the town. "I mean, we have so few visitors as it is, but to expose the few that we do get to that expanding mass of pasty white skin just seems to be less than neighborly, that's all. What is wrong with having a mayor who you don't have to wear sunglasses around when having a casual chat out of doors? I just cannot believe that the human forehead has that much actual surface area, that's all!" he said with genuine wonderment!

"Well, I know with all of those protective employment classes the government has foisted on us, it may not be legal to run off an elected official for shocking levels of hair loss while in office, but it is worth a shot, anyway!" said Elma Festoon, an area farm wife and a woman who knows the pain of hair loss due to bi-monthly perms for the last 40+ years. (she is only 44 years old!!!). "Anyway, Lamont has an image to uphold, and having our point representative running about the place blinding residents and visitors alike just runs contrary to the image we are trying to project, that's all! It was bad enough when he was the first mayor in town history that didn't sport the Lamont trademark 'mono-brow' (even the women mayors!) - so it took us several years to get used to that unsettling patch of skin between his eyes - but this whole forehead thing is just a little too much for public sensibilities, if you ask me!" she stammered indignantly! "I guess that that whole 'separate, distinct, individualized eyebrow' thing and that whole expanding forehead debacle are probably manifestations of that mayor's 'big city ways' - but this is the rural Palouse and we just prefer huge tufts of hair covering 90 percent of the human form in our elected officials, that's all."

(Editorial Note: We at the Lamont Blog do not discriminate against the follicle-challenged and thus cannot support the sentiments or opinions expressed here. Just because some poor schlub is developing a 'chrome-dome' is no reason to boot them out of office, although the potential for reduced eye-strain is attractive on so many levels. Maybe instead of one of those 'comb-overs' that seem to be so popular in these parts, the mayor could attempt a "comb-straight-down' or something, thus reducing the town's total UV exposure rate by as much as 60%!! But what do we know?) (Oh yeah, and none of our female mayors ever had a 'mono-brow' - not that we know about, anyway!)

Totally Awesome City Of Sprague Saves The Day On Lamont's New Library Septic System

2010-10-29T17:08:00.000-07:00

The City of Sprague, a little gem of a city nestled right on Interstate 90 in the often under appreciated Lincoln County, WA - rose quite admirably to the occasion when Lamont, a mere town that can barely grab its own rear end with both hands, was faced with a vexing dilemma when applying for a septic system permit for their first ever public restroom. As luck would have it, the quite excellent Whitman County Health Department, just one of the many quite excellent Whitman County departments that Lamont gets to work with on a regular basis, required that Lamont provide a backhoe to dig the test holes for the new septic system for the new library that Lamont is attempting to build (Lamont is the only town in Whitman County without a real library - or so the scuttle-butt goes!). "Well, when I heard that we needed a piece of heavy machinery, of course, my blood turned to ice water!" said a so-called area mayor who tends to get all fidgety when faced with situations outside the routine. "Anyway, after my initial panic subsided and I was able to think clearly, well, clearly for me, anyway - I realized that we were either doomed or somehow we needed a miracle - and that miracle came on the wings of an angel called Sprague" he said dramatically while gazing thankfully at the Heavens!

"So, I called one of the top-notch Sprague employees who does some work for Lamont and he placed a call to Sprague's quite capable and obviously resourceful mayor - who, after researching the legal foundations of such a transaction (Mental note to self: Must remember to check out all that legal stuff in the future. Must attempt to be more like the Sprague mayor!) agreed to help out Lamont with the backhoe. Oh, I almost passed out with my relief! I mean, Sprague is over 5 times the size of Lamont and they even have stores! The fact that they would condescend to help the hapless Lamont just goes to show that there is still goodness in this cold, selfish world! In fact, this whole process is leading to a formal 'Mutual Assistance Pact' between the two incorporated entities (another great idea from that quite excellent Sprague mayor. Mental Note to self: Must have more good ideas like the Sprague mayor!) Oh, and to think that they are even in a different County! I'm sorry, I am just all choked up!!" he sniffled, wiping away a rare tear! (and not the crocodile variety, either!)

(Editorial Note: We at the Lamont Blog cannot help but notice the irony that an entirely different town, located 8-9 miles away, would play such a pivotal role in helping Lamont get their first public restroom in over 100 years! (Why couldn't Lamont be that motivated for Lamont's first public restroom? Inquiring minds want to know!) One cannot help but wonder if they were just embarrassed to be situated next-door to a town with such a well-trodden history of failure in the "public restroom department", who knows! Lamont, well known for outrageous levels of dysfunction and a decided lack of cohesion, is, if nothing else, a loyal, thankful town - and a gesture like this from Sprague will make us as loyal as a faithful (and house broken) Labrador Retriever (raised from a puppy!) or whatever. The whole town of Lamont extends their heart-felt thanks to the whole City of Sprague - and we would like to thank them for having a gas station and a quite excellent grocery store, too! And that mayor of theirs! Oh, how did they get so lucky while Lamont just seems to be so cursed? Inquiring minds want to know!)