"We Lost! It's Over! Long Beach Has Vanquished Us!" Says Area Mayor To Stunned, Tear-Filled Citizenry

In a living example of "Victory has 1000 fathers while defeat is an orphan", an area mayor, stating the obvious that any dern fool with half a lick of sense would have seen with crystalline clarity months or years ago, broke the news that the Town of Lamont, - a small, self-absorbed, barely functioning, largely cannibalistic incorporated entity, (and a mere 'town' - not even a doggone fancy-pants 'city'!) has been crushed under the sheer organizational and geographical superiority of one of the gems of small city North America, that doggone Long Beach, WA itself! (Well, we can at least bask in their reflective glory, I guess!)

"Well, what can I say? We are a landlocked little town without a store that pretty much smells like those unfortunate cow byproducts 24/7, for Pete's sake!" said the obviously pained mayor (with a look in his eyes like a rabbit who stumbled out of the bushes only to catch the undivided attention of a nimble, energetic coyote who hasn't eaten in a week!) while scanning for potential avenues of escape from the decidedly unhappy, churning, and edgy mob! "Listen, Long Beach is nestled on the best ocean in the world, they have places to eat and - oh yeah, they have those tourist people (whatever they are - is that like those doggone Canadians, irritable Idahoans or sneaky Shriners or something? What is a tourist, anyway?) who will willingly drive over there to see them without some under-the-table bribe or some such behavior that rests firmly on the shady side of the law! (And don't forget Long Beach has that doggone Gayle Borchard! Darn her glimmering little eyes! How could we ever compete against that?) They are just better than we are, that's all! I know it hurts, but sometimes the cold, hard truth is the best disinfectant for small town dysfunction, for crying out loud!" he mumbled as several of the onlookers rushed home to get their torches and pitchforks - as is the Lamont way! "Listen, we fought the good fight, but petty, small-minded, passive-aggressiveness is just no match against excellent city planning and having a citizenry that appreciates the very foundations of the English Common Law tradition, that's all!" he said soothingly, while backing off the podium in preparation for a mad dash to safety in his largely unknown root cellar! "Listen, I know you are upset! I know you are hurt! I know you feel betrayed! But maybe a relaxing vacation in that soothing vacation Mecca, Long Beach, would bring peace to our ruffled municipal feathers! What do you say! Whose up for a road trip?" said the unbelievable, completely out of touch with the spirit of the people nincompoop!

(Editorial Note: Oh, the humanity! Talk about a political death wish! The dern fool just pretty much lit the fuse to the dynamite that will, more than likely, blow what is left of his tarnished, tattered political capital to smithereens, for Pete sake! What was he thinking?? Oh, how could he mention that doggone Long Beach at a time like this - and as the dadburn medicinal cure for what ails us as a sad, spent, stumbling little town whose light of hope grows dimmer every day, too? What a fool! I mean, how politically and emotionally 'tone deaf' can one elected official be? That is the equivalent of inviting the victims of Hurricane Katrina or that big tsunami to a day at the doggone wave pool! Oh, no wonder Lamont is in such a state! How we survived this long is a mystery to the caring and long suffering staff at the Lamont Blog, that is for sure! Thank you, we think!)

The Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) Wins Rare Statewide Competition

The Lamont area, long known for its shocking absence of municipal and personal achievements of any kind, stunned the entire Pacific Northwest when it was awarded a rare "First Place" in a competition conducted across the State. "Whoa! I can't believe it! We won! We won! Oh, mercy! Someone get me a glass of that outrageously pure Lamont drinking water courtesy of the USDA-RD, Dept. of Commerce and Century West Engineering before I pass out! Quick!!" (yes, the Lamont Blog is not above even the most shameless of plugs! But come on, when you are as small and dysfunctional as we are, you have to thank the folks who make things happen!) bellowed an area mayor - a man who, given the very nature of his somewhat dubious position, has not seen success or acclamation of any kind in over 5 years. (Nor has the town in well over 100!!!) "I mean, sure, I knew this whole area had a lot of folks who had the nickname of "Bubba" - (pronounced locally as "Bubb-er"!!) but to have the largest number of them, both in terms of a percentage of total population and in real numbers too, well, that is just a dream come true!! Oh, we actually won something! See, we can succeed, albeit in the margins of society, after all!!!!" he gushed insanely, gazing heavenward with a thoughtful, madness-laden repose!

"Sure, when I first moved here, it was pretty darn easy to address people properly - given that a vast majority of the area folks all pretty much went by the same name (sadly, this even extended to the area womenfolk!) - so I had very few socially awkward moments when I called someone by the wrong name! I hate it when I do that!" said the sensitive, socially-conscious public servant. "But, given that we are a town with fewer than 100 people, what are the chances that we would dominate the whole dern State with our obviously unhealthy propensity for naming people "Bubba"? Yikes, it is like a miracle or something! I just wish my poor mother was still alive to share this glory with me! Oh, we actually won something! Someone pinch me!" he stammered excitedly! " See, my five years in the mayoral salt mines were not a complete and total waste, after all!" he blathered annoyingly, always having to make every situation about himself somehow! (Oh, that is so annoying!!!)

(Editorial Note: Although not officially part of the competition itself, the GLMA also had the highest number of people named "Skeeter", Moose, Festus and Jed, although these unfortunate monikers were not officially recognized in the above referenced competition - so that stupid mayor cannot do some distasteful 'victory dance' (known more specifically as the quite disturbing 'Rump Shaker'!) in the front yard over them! Thank you. Oh yeah, and no one even bothered to get him a glass of water like he wanted, either, given that we are not his mother and/or his legs aren't broken, for Pete's sake!! Plus, that would be considered 'helping' - which runs counter to our collective, unspoken creed that binds us together more firmly than even the most solemn of pagan blood oaths!)

Santa Tragically Strays Into Lamont's Airspace For The First Time Since 1910!!

The lowly and unrepentantly self-destructive town of Lamont, well known in these parts for being decidedly top heavy on the naughty while the nice has been pretty much kicked to the curb, (Whoa! Talk about an understatement!!) momentarily got their holiday hopes up when, due to some inexplicable reindeer malfunction or whatever, the formerly 'Jolly St. Nick' (Also known in these parts as 'that fat guy in the red suit who dresses up like that bell-ringing guy in the Wal-Mart parking lot in Airway Heights'!!) unfortunately flew over the town on his way to those other really nice towns like St. John and Sprague and Fairfield - not to mention the quite awesome County Seat - Colfax! For the record, Santa has officially bypassed the 2nd smallest town in the State ever since its founding in 1910, due in no small part to what an official North Pole spokesperson called "behavior most unbecoming for any town not officially in the grips of a civil war or other such societal upheaval".

"Well, there I was, starting on my 2nd 12-pack since noon when out of no where I heard someone shouting "Ho, Ho, Ho" - so naturally I went bursting into the front yard like a maniac (wearing a stained, "wife beater" shirt, of course!), 12-gauge shotgun in hand, ready to defend the decidedly tarnished honor of the gentler (at least he didn't say fairer! Whoa!) members of the quite expansive Bodine clan!" said the somewhat inebriated Festus 'Skeeter' Bodine, 56, an area farmer/rancher. "Sure, we all treat our family members like they were dirt, especially the womenfolk, but I'll be dadburned if I am going to allow some rotund interloper just passing thru to do it without me being there and egging them on, of course!" he said proudly. "Anyway, when I glanced up to where all that name calling was coming from, I just happened to see that Santa feller come passing over with all them mule deer or whatever the heck that was! Sadly, I was only able to get off two quick shots of buckshot before that crafty sneak had slinked over the dadburn horizon! I am pretty certain I winged the sucker though, although it was hard to tell given that some stupid and quite unexpected airborne sack of coal rendered me senseless in the snow for just about an hour! (If he would have been knocked unconscious by flying coal in our well-plowed and beautifully designed roads, he could have avoided that little 'face in the snow' problem! But do you think the Town will ever get credit for that! Heck no!! All people want to do is complain!) Well, that ought to teach them outsiders to come traipsing into Lamont, just 'a-doing' whatever the heck they think pleases them at the moment! This is our town and we don't need none of that outsider happiness and good cheer around here! It tends to dampen our usual ardor for self-loathing and has the propensity to take all the fun out of hating our neighbors and being generally rotten human beings, sure enough! Why do you think so many of us moved way out here in the first place? Where else could we get away with such blatantly antisocial behavior? Heck, around here, it is the more meanness the merrier!" he beamed thru a disturbing number of missing teeth, tending to remind any onlooker more of Halloween than of the festive Christmas season itself!.

(Editorial Note: Although several attempts have been made to make the Christmas holidays the official Lamont "Fat Guy In A Red Suit" hunting season, with a limit of one per resident, of course, the Council, in their wisdom, has yet to actually vote on the measure, although it does meet with the solid support of well over 70% of the citizenry who, thankfully, mostly cannot vote due to previous felony convictions or failure to ever register - many of said felonies ironically involving firearms and, of course, whatever cheap alcohol swill was on sale that day. And as for the somewhat haphazard shotgun blasts that Mr. Bodine quite incautiously took at the above referenced "Mr. Claus", official incident reports indicate that, like most things that the hapless Skeeter and his ilk does, this blatant, to say nothing of felonious, assault went awry, and no damage to man, beast or sled was reported to Santa's insurance provider. Thank you!)

Entire Town Suspicious After State Quietly Doubles Or Triples Speed Limits In and Around Lamont

The lowly, profoundly dysfunctional, decidedly underachieving and some would say hopelessly forlorn Town of Lamont, somehow located in the cool, hip, happening, beautiful, outrageously well-managed Whitman County in the far, far, far (did we say far?) eastern portion of the great State of Washington (almost over by Idaho, if you can believe that hideous luck!) - a town long known as a huge embarrassment to not only the power elite in Olympia but also a vast majority of the civilized world that knows how to read and can do basic math, woke up late Tuesday to what amounted to a mini 'Indy 500' or whatever, assuming those annoying flatbed pickup trucks and/or modified wheat trucks were allowed to race in the dern thing - and, of course, if all the Indy 500 drivers were raving mental patients, that is.

"What the? Whoa! Hey, slow it down there, buddy!" bellowed the mayor while safely hiding behind a tree (what a sissy!) just off Main Street! "Oh, sure, I knew that Lamont has been the proverbial 'acne outbreak' on the State's wedding day for decades and all, but couldn't they just have quietly ceded us to Idaho or Oregon or whatever? And whatever the heck happened to the old 'tried and true" condemning our water system trick or something? But this whole speed limit ruse, although effective, just seems to be a little sneaky and underhanded, if you ask me!" he sniveled annoyingly. "Sure, being the mayor of Lamont, of course I have a fair amount of sympathy with the State's goals and aspirations on this point - I mean, who wouldn't? - but it just seems like a somewhat convoluted way to rid the State of a persistent burr under the Olympian saddle, that's all. Dang it all, man! These area people could hardly drive when the posted speed limits were 25 mph in town and 50 mph on the State roads! (we won't even mention that whole 'road sign adherence' problem!) At this rate we will be the smallest town in the State sometime around noon, if my calculations are correct! I guess I did pick a good time to move to sunny New Mexico with its year round golfing, spicy senoritas and outrageously delicious breakfast burritos made the way those rascally Conquistadors used to like them back in the doggone 1500's or whenever that whole European invasion, colonization and blood-thirsty massacre thing actually happened! (When one spends the morning 'conquistadoring' or whatever the heck it was those Conquistadors actually did, it was darn easy to work up one towering hunger, or so the history books say!! And what kind of word is 'Conquistador' anyway? It don't even sound American, for Pete's sake! How can you trust anyone who doesn't even have the decency to have an American sounding name? I mean, come on! But they did know how to make a mean breakfast burrito - so they can't be all bad!) Oh, but one would think that the big cheeses in charge over there in Olympia could have waited until I actually left the State before unleashing 'Operation Road Warrior" on the dern place, that's all! (good thing our roads were designed by Century West Engineering! Just think of the body count then! Thank you CWE!!) What did I ever do to those State 'muckity-mucks'?? Don't my five years in the largely thankless mayoral salt mines count for anything over there? (of course not, you idiot!) What ingrates! I bet that stupid Long Beach never gets singled out for this sort of treatment! Oh, maybe Long Beach is better than we are, after all!" said the blasphemous, short-timing turncoat who was the one who picked the doomed fight with that vacation wonderland in the first place! (only to have his rear end handed to him over and over again! Oh, how embarrassing, even by Lamont standards! And Lamont is one town that knows its embarrassment, let me tell you!!)

Significant Portions Of Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) ' No Fun At All!', Says The Quite Peeved, Challenge-Loving Devil Himself

The Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area, (GLMA), living up to its somewhat well-deserved reputation of being lackadaisical and underachieving in just about all things, has somehow even managed to disappoint the devil, who, contrary to popular stereotypes, likes a good challenge when it comes to subverting the hapless mankind from its ultimate mission of returning to the loving bosom of the Lord. "Well, half of the fun of being the devil revolves around setting clever snares and traps and other 'devices most devious', so when I come to a little town in the heartland of America - you know, one where people pride themselves on being 'true blue' Americans and all (and why we all moved here in the first place), it is just assumed that there will be a bit of a scuffle or dust-up or real resistance of some kind, however half-hearted, from people in positions of responsibility as I display my wares of deception in preparation for my wicked harvest!" said the none-too-pleased Evil One. "So, when I planted the seeds of inaction, lethargy, laziness and laggardly inattention all those decades ago, I had no idea that some of the folks in these parts would so whole-heartedly adopt these principles of mine and in turn suck all of the fight and spunk out of the place! I won't plant that same bitter harvest again when I go to my next small town, let me tell you! I crave resistance, not meek submission! This has been no fun at all!" he fumed with sulfurous vexation while stamping his cloven hoof! "Sure, in the past I sent all those biting dogs to terrorize the citizenry, but who would have thought that some of the long-term area 'leaders', would defend the families who owned them and unleashed them on helpless school children! Yes, I was the one, way back when, who brought all those energetic and fruitful crime-friendly families to the town, but who would have guessed that some of the area 'ruling elite' would so eagerly befriend, embrace and defend them against the scourge of the law! (Yes, who would have thought THAT!!! Whoa! Thank goodness most are gone!) And finally, I was the one who made the town water go bad, but who would have thought (he almost said 'thunk'! Oh, who would have guessed the devil had such bad grammar? Yikes!) that a disturbingly large segment of the regional elite, almost all living outside the Town itself, would complain about the benefits of the new water system! Where is the dern fun in that? (Wow, the 'Dark One' really does have bad grammar issues! Whoa!!) How boring! How nauseatingly mundane! Oh, I hate nothing more than a willing victim, that's all!" he hissed ominously, flicking his forked tail like an angry Komodo dragon or whatever!

"Well, one always hates to agree with the devil, but in this case I find myself in that quite unenviable position!" said an area mayor, more than a little shame-facedly! "I mean, time after time, year after year, we have met resistance to basic civilization initiatives from the most surprising of places! It just seems that some (not all!) of the 'old timers' in these parts would do just about anything to make sure Lamont stays in the fetid Dark Ages where mob justice reigned supreme and where certain lawless individuals, families and groups could prey on the innocent folks who just want to mind their own business! (or sit by while it happened! This has changed in large part, too!) And what ever happened to the intrinsic appreciation of the principles of American representative democracy in these parts, anyway? Is that another thing the devil clouded their judgment on, too? I thought these America-First types loved America - but then why do they show such hate and contempt by undermining her sacred institutions - like 'one man-one vote', electoral boundaries, separation of church and state, representative government for the governed and all of that?" he murmured inquisitively! "Oh, that devil is a crafty little scamp, indeed!" he concluded with his usual degree of understatement.

(Editorial Note: Of course this is a parody on the acceptance of bad behavior in general and no one, regardless of how tempting it is, should associate these poorly crafted paragraphs with actual or implied demonic influences in Lamont proper. Towns develop an ethos for what behaviors are acceptable, and regardless of the influences that help create that ethos, it is a very real thing - and one Lamont has quite successfully attempted to change, however painful that might have been in implementation. (It is an ongoing battle folks!) So, why not blame those motivations on the devil, anyway? Everyone else blames him! He does seem to have his hands in so many pies! Talk about a go-getter! Thank you!)

Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) Stunned, Confused After Town Accidentally Does Something Right

The lowly and largely misunderstood Town of Lamont, thru no fault of their own, did something that everyone seems to agree was a good thing, contrary to the prevailing wisdom in the surrounding area that that is, in fact, a metaphysical impossibility and beyond the scope of rational consideration. In truth, the very reality that anything good could ever come out of a place where the long-term residents insist that nothing good can ever flow forth was so shocking that no one can even remember what the doggone good thing was, for Pete's sake!

"What? Lamont did something right? Oh, that is just so wrong!" bellowed Dodo Festoon, 56, a part-time farm wife and alpha busybody/gossip/battle ax! "Half of my own somewhat inverted self-image comes from griping about the supposedly cruddy town I almost live in (in fact, she lives 12 miles outside the Town limits so why she claims us is one of those unfortunate circumstances that one can only chalk up to the very devil himself!) but, of course, I never lift a finger to help, so if they have good things going on over there, even by accident, then how am I supposed to prevent them from happening thru my energetic meddling and malignant mischief-making? Anyway, so how am I to thus reinforce my teetering and twisted self-esteem structure that pivots on blaming others for my own shocking inadequacies and lack of moral fortitude if the town does, in fact, do good things?" she stammered disgustedly (and incoherently!) "That is exactly why me and that whole coven of negative farm wives/gripe bags don't want no change around here! Once you modify even a small thing, then, like a fetid house of cards, our whole flawed and embarrassing edifice comes crashing down around us like one of those barns 'Old Man Snopes' continues to put up year after year. It is insanity, I tell you! We need things to stay the same so no one can see how goofed up we have been all these years!!!" she screeched, breaking glass as far away as Sprague! (and stampeding cattle in a 17 mile radius! Oh, those poor cows are skittish enough with all of those low flying planes and that unfortunate 'wolf re-introduction program' and all!! Do they really need this aggravation, too? I mean, come on!!)

"Well, being the mayor of a place where a vast majority of the area population will put a negative spin on even the most magnanimous of gallant gestures can be a little off-putting, but once you can learn to tune out that frequency it just ain't that bad, really!" said the long suffering and thick skinned area mayor. "Sure, folks in the Lamont area would gripe about a reprieve from the Governor 30 seconds before the hangman pulls the lever on them (and sadly, given Lamont's former crime statistics that these same so-called 'ruling elite' were more than comfortable with and/or even encouraged, several of our notorious area ne're-do-wells have actually done just that!) - but one just needs to realize that negativity is a way of life in this corner of the Palouse and just continue to soldier on, that's all. That is just the way some folks are - and we seem to have more than a few. It is more sad than anything, really. Sure, it is annoying to the extreme and all, but if you can ever get to where you just feel sorry for a person, that makes it a whole lot easier, I guess" he said sympathetically.

Town Continues Long Standing Tradition By Unveiling Latest Mayor Portrait For Display In Town Hall

The Town of Lamont, a humble little burg that, if nothing else, honors tradition above all else, regardless of its marginal or potentially hindering value in the modern era, continued a practice that stretches back to the dark, murky past - you know, before the town owned an internal combustion engine (in 2008!) and all of that. The public is invited to visit the Town Hall to view these renowned and revered statesmen and women - but it is a good idea to stop in Sprague to use the restroom before driving all the way out here. The Town does not currently have office hours, given our current staffing realities, but if you see a car over by the office that is a pretty fair bet that someone is in there. Oh yeah, and if you want a snack or maybe something to drink, you better buy that in Sprague, too! Ya'll come on down, ya hear! Thank you. And don't forget to visit our pride and joy - the now-famous Bug Tussle Park! How much more exciting does it get than that? Make a day of it! Okay, maybe 15 minutes would be sufficient, but what an exciting 15 minutes that would be! Whoa!!! Why deny yourself?

Area 'Artistic Type' Captures Epic And Potentially Socially Significant Struggle Between The Hapless Lamont And That Doggone Long Beach

In an artsy, innovative attempt to capture on canvas one of the longest simmering yet decidedly one-sided municipal conflicts in Washington state history, one of the world's less-well known painters, that painter guy, (what is his dern name, anyway?) applied his quite considerable although unrecognized talents to doing whatever it is those artist types do as it relates to the now famous Lamont/Long Beach dust up. (Given the quite comprehensive whipping Lamont has been taking as of late, we at the Lamont Blog would hardly flatter this altercation with the much too glamorous descriptor of a 'dust up'! It is much more akin to an elite Army Ranger brushing off an undersized 3rd grader by putting his outstretched hand on the young hellion's forehead as the tot just swings away in vain or whatever! I mean, come on! That is hardly a 'dust up' worthy of the name!!) "Well, of course I prefer to get my art on the cover of a cereal box or whatever, so I am no real judge of fine art, I guess" said Wilber Bodine, an area farmer/rancher. "But, first of all, what is with that whole creative license thing? If that Lamont guy is supposed to somehow represent our mayor, then first off, the guy has way too much hair! Whoa! That pirate would be blinded in a second once the sun beamed unmercifully off the mayor's ever-expanding forehead, for Pete's sake! Why not capture reality for reality's sake, is what I want to know!" he remarked quite astutely! (Darn his beady little eyes!)

"Second, it looks like our cowardly and decidedly poltroon-like mayor is actually putting up a fight there, when in reality it is much more his style to run away, screaming like a dadburn school girl or whatever! And what is that thing in his hand, an eggbeater or something? Everyone in these parts knows that dern mayor ain't no good with firearms. I did like the part about that pirate guy getting ready to smite the mayor with the wrath of the truly justified, however. That was pretty cool. Too bad that part ain't true, though! I would pay cash money to see that" he said a tad too gleefully! "Oh yeah, and those do look like some of that doggone mayor's 'big city' clothes that only he would wear! Dang, I bet he has never had a pair of manure-covered cowboy boots on in his life! How we ever elected a mayor without manure-covered cowboy boots is beyond me! What a moment of electoral insanity! We will not make THAT mistake again, let me tell you!" he said sternly! "And now that I look at it again, the mayor guy is kind of cringing in fear there - so maybe that is more than a little accurate, after all" said the budding patron of the arts, at least art where the mayor is in imminent peril of being dismembered or rendered senseless or whatever.

(Editorial Note: For the sake of accuracy, the nicely planned vacation wonderland of Long Beach is a peace loving town and prefers to coexist with other incorporated entities in the Great State of Washington, so any depiction of violence, however implied or symbolic, is outside the scope of the annoyingly peace loving nature of Long Beach and is solely in the somewhat disturbed mind of the 2nd smallest town in the State. Thank you!)

Shock Study: 2nd Smallest Town In The State Has The Best Doggone Snowplowed Roads In The Whole Dadburn Region

In a stunning revelation that runs counter to basic human intuition, 100 years of largely lackadaisical performance on just about every level, the whole principle of 'Economies of Scale' and the very fact that Lamont cannot grab their own rear-end with both hands on a good day, a recent informal survey of snow removal in Eastern Washington placed the hapless, struggling, often self-destructive town of Lamont as the top performer when it came to municipal snow removal. "Well, being the mayor of this town has been an experience that will last me a lifetime, let me tell you, but a snow-related honor such as this, unfortunately, is likely to just rile up the local and area folks even more - you just watch. From the feedback we have received so far, one would think that the Town of Lamont paid to have other towns ship their excess snow in here to dump at every major intersection! Oh, the wailing and gnashing of teeth has been deafening, although actual driving conditions after we got done plowing have never been better! Lamont (and the surrounding area, too!! You should never forget those little darlings!) is a town that could be starving and complain about a free Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings! Lamont is a town that, if lost without supplies in the Sahara desert for three days, would complain about the glass of water someone so graciously handed them! Let's face it, we have the largest concentration of nags and bellyachers and nitpickers and general malcontents that you can expect to find anywhere! (and none of these people ever volunteer for a doggone thing, of course! That would just be self-defeating!) But it is nice we have the best-plowed roads, though! I guess I need to brace myself for the complaints about how much money the town spent per capita to make the roads so much nicer than the surrounding towns! I am sure the argument will be that if it is good enough for 'Town X' then why would Lamont do any better than that. Oh, it is always something around here!" he sighed resignedly!

"Well, all I have to say is that I wish the Town did a whole lot better or a whole lot worse!" said Dick Dumas, 56, a local griper extraordinaire. "Anyway, I was walking by the corner of 8th and Spokane Streets and I saw a snowball in the intersection that one of the kids had thrown - just sitting there like some beacon of snowplowing incompetence, so of course I marched right over to that doggone mayor's house to express my quite extensive, multi-layered and ultimately mercurial outrage to him in person! I mean, why was the snowplow not poised right there, just waiting for some errant snowball to be cast into a major intersection in the town? What are they doing over there? If I were the Mayor, I would have a truck dedicated to every stinking intersection in the town to handle just such horrific eventualities! But no, that stupid mayor was just sitting back, waiting for some passing car to go crashing into the baseball sized menace - with the potential loss of life and all of that!" he fumed, working himself up into the third real lather of the day! (The first one had to do with a guest on Oprah and the 2nd one had to do with the unfairness of the lottery - given that he never wins!) "If the town is not going to remove every single flake and clump of snow that just happens to take up residence in this town, then why do they do anything at all? Oh, and they better not be paying for this snow removal, neither! If huge piles of snow are good enough for (Town/City name redacted!), then they are sure as heck good enough for us!" he rambled incoherently, once again arguing both sides of the debate at the same time - as is the nature of the citizenry for miles around! (Don't forget the little darlings!) "Anyway, whatever they do is just plain wrong, that's all! And I know they are doing it just to make me mad - which just serves to make me even madder!" he sputtered like a true paranoiac - spittle flying in a perfect 180 degree arc - thus increasing the accumulated moisture problem that so vexes him!