Entire Town In Therapy After Local Handyman Offers "Help Your Neighbors For Free" Day

Although only the 2nd smallest town in the State and usually immune to such unspeakable horrors, the Town of Lamont came face to face with a scourge that has rendered many communities across this great nation completely devoid of all hope and spirit - leaving a path of desolation everywhere that belts and suspenders are in short supply and general 'handyman' type tasks need to get done. "Well, I love this great nation and wanted to honor our brave soldiers who made our way of life our way of life" said the 'handyman' in a rather circular and confusing manner . "So, although I normally charge the princely sum of $9 per hour, I figured it was high time I gave a little bit back to this community that has done so much for me - like forgetting about that unfortunate perm I had in high school and the time I decided to breed wolves with dogs and caused such a fuss" said Flem Snopes - a part-time ranch hand and general "Mr. Fix-It". "So, I passed word around that I was willing to work for free on Memorial Day. Well, needless to say every cheapskate and freeloader in town suddenly developed a water leak or creaking hinge or something. Oddly, almost the whole dern town took me up on it. I was really shocked at the overwhelmingly positive response!" said Flem. "I never knew I was so well respected in town. They must really admire and value my work product and professionalism!"

"Oh, the humanity! Oh, that was just wrong" said Mabel Bodine - a local farm wife - while wringing her poor dish rag like it was the neck of an unusually burdensome chicken or something. There is nothing in the world I love more than getting something for free, especially if that puts me in a dominant position over another human being - so when he came by and said he would work for nothing, I agreed immediately, naturally" she said. "So, I made up some story about hearing a weird noise under the sink and mentioned some strange odors that were coming from that general direction - even when my husband was not in the room - so he agreed to check it out for me. How was I to know that I would be exposed to a scene so horrible and inhumane that it would even turn 'me' from the path of wanting something for nothing. Do you realize what a powerful motivator that must have been? she said. "That was just so wrong. There needs to be a law against that sort of thing" she said indignantly. "I mean, how hard is it to keep your pants all the way up, for Pete's sake? Some views of the human body are just not meant to be shared with others - even in the confines of a sanctified marriage - let alone having them forced on you by some local guy you suckered into doing free work!"

"Well, it is not unusual for entire town's to participate in the same psychological event, but this is the first time a whole community commandeered a school bus fleet and showed up at my office all at the same time!" said Dr. Jessup Macintosh - and area psychoanalyst. "I mean, I have treated numerous people from the same small town in the Palouse, but this is the first time an entire town arrived for some serious psychological intervention" he said. "When I finally managed to squeeze myself into the overburdened waiting room - at first I had no idea what the heck was going on. All I heard were the mingled cries of "Oh, that was horrible" and "Ahh, I am blind, I'm blind, I say!" and, of course, the ever popular "I wish my husband looked that good from that angle" - but once I managed to sort it all out, I was able to get to the root of the problem. We often think that small towns are immune from the routine horrors that face much larger towns and cities, but this is proof that the whole 'crack epidemic" is truly national in scope - and obviously psychologically devastating in nature - even in little towns like Lamont" said Dr. Macintosh.

Lamont's Oldest Citizen Gives Secrets To Unnatural Longevity

Lamont's oldest citizen, Wilber Festoon, age 97, a long-time rancher, is the oldest living citizen of the town and the oldest person anyone ever 'heard tale of' living within the town limits. "Well, Wilber's long life is truly a testament to the natural resilience of the man and certainly gives credence to the age old expression "only the good die young" said Mabel Festoon Bodine, age 95, a younger sister. "Never in all my life would I have expected to walk this earth for so long with that no-good 'so-and-so'! He was such a terrible child, mean as a snake to me and my other siblings, it is just a pure miracle one of us didn't sneak into his room and render him senseless with a piece of firewood all those years ago! I always thought it was caused by that time he was taunting our bull and got stomped flat, but now I just think he is just pure mean. That dern bull had the right idea, after all - but none of us were smart enough to see it!" she said philosophically. "We all expected him to grow out of it at some point, but once a personality is set there is just no changing it. That man was just mean from the time he popped out of my poor mother until the present day. The bible talks about the advantages of being long suffering, and my brother Wilber has done more to remind me of the good Lord's words than any single individual I have ever known. How that man ever married a woman is just beyond my estimation. I just can't talk about him no more. I'm sorry. I love him and all, but I am still traumatized about that time in the 3rd grade that he ran my underwear up the flagpole at school - with me in them, for Pete's sake!! Can you believe that? Oh, the humiliation! I did not live down the nickname "Nickers Festoon" until I was well into my 60's!" she sobbed while storming off in a huff.

When asked about his lifestyle choices that allowed for such a long, rich life, (and after several rambling hours about the pitfalls of the 'no-good' Roosevelt administration and how the commies in the Democratic party lost China to 'them Reds'), the surprisingly spry and mentally active Wilber Festoon finally admitted the secret that prolonged his life. "Ketchup!" he stammered after pontificating on how Kennedy was too young to be president and how you can never trust a man with that much hair - and he is a catholic to boot - although that is okay in most cases! "I put ketchup on just about everything - and always have. I have put ketchup on my oatmeal every single day for the last 83 years. Plus, it is good on popcorn, donuts and I even mix it into my Ensure. When I have a sore throat, I take a teaspoon of ketchup. Skin rash (fungal or bacterial) - ketchup. Ingrown toenail - ketchup. Shin splints - ketchup. Sunburn - ketchup. Inflamed gallbladder - ketchup. It even works wonders on earaches!" he said, unfortunately painting an entirely unpleasant mental picture of the application process. "There, I told it - my secret is out - now everyone can live as long as me. Happy now?" he said while attempting to kick the shin of the interviewer under the table but stubbing his toe on the table leg instead. "I wish I would have had the sense to patent my discovery! Then I could have been rich and bought up all these here houses and evicted everyone out onto the street! That would show them" he said while painfully removing his shoe. "Hey, would you hand me that there bottle of ketchup - this dadburn toe is about the size of a turnip and is turning all blue and what-not" he said thru his few remaining gritted teeth - looking eerily like a Halloween pumpkin. "Ahhh. That's nice. (while slathering about 1/2 of the bottle on his ailing, ever-expanding toe) What a wonder drug! It works on whatever ails you!!!" he concluded while looking hopefully for another opportunity to get in another shin kick with his undamaged foot

Hollywood Weighs Options For Major Motion Picture Based On Lamont's "Mosquito Wars"

Hollywood, ever eager to capitalize on human suffering and anguish, is contemplating the production of a major epic saga - incorporating the basic themes of "Gone With The Wind", "Star Wars" and of course, that perennial classic "Deliverance". (what movie about Lamont would be complete without numerous allusions to that moving tale of cultural conflict and forgotten, dysfunctional subcultures lost in a modern world, anyway?) The movie, based loosely around Lamont's 100 year struggle against the common mosquito, will be part coming of age story and part horror flick that highlights the challenges faced by Lamont as it stares down the forces of nature while confronting its own personal shortcomings, shocking self-absorption, questionable motivations, aversion to modernity, general laziness, casualness about hygiene and the overwhelming desire to have a full blown town hootenanny at the drop of a hat, regardless of the day of the week, doggone it!

"Well, naturally, I assume I will be cast in the role of Rhett Butler or Luke Skywalker or whatever" said the Mayor who looks eerily like Danny DeVito - although considerably less handsome. "Although California is chocked full of aspiring actors with looks, talent, the ability to speak clearly so people can understand them and who possess a general screen presence that isn't all fidgety, I feel certain that the viewing audience is ready for some new, less polished talent to show them how it is done!!" he said, demonstrating once again his complete separation from any known reality that the rest of us participate in. "Sure, getting accustomed to that whole "Use the force, Luke! Use the force!" thing will be darn near impossible - since my name is not Luke, but I feel that it will all work out in the end. My nickname is "Gator" - so maybe I can get them to change all those 'Luke' references to "Gator" references. That will give it an air of authenticity!" said Danny DeVito, Jr. "Hey, I wonder if they will let me ride a horse? Horses scare me and easily manipulate me to their own evil ends, but all dashing heroes get to ride a horse! As long as I don't have to ride Nellie, the town mule. That mule hates me!" he said peevishly, although, in fact, Nellie does indeed hate him more than is right for any town mule to do. (See previous story on Nellie - the town mule - presented below)

"And anyway, what is that whole "force" thing about, after all? I mean, come on! Lamont relied heavily on Tekoa to get this whole mosquito thing under control - so why don't they just change that whole "Use the force, Luke. Use the force" nonsense to the much more accurate and realistic "Use Tekoa, Gator. Use Tekoa!"? Oh, I can just see the tear filled audiences standing all over this great nation, applauding our valor until their hands are numb and the movie theater management has to turn the hoses on them to get them to leave the theater. I just have a feeling this will be a smashing success!!!" he concluded with unbelievable levels of self-delusion. "And that is just going to creep me out if at the end of the movie those dang mosquitoes, in a deep, resonating voice say "I am your father, Gator. I am your father". That would just be wrong! I never liked that part in the original movie" he said to no one in particular.

Citizens Bestow Title of "Caesar" On Mayor After His Crushing Victory Over Ancient, Bloodthirsty Foe

Amidst the scattered chants of "Caesar, Caesar" and the mumbled murmurs of "what's all that dadburn racket at this unholy hour?", the Lamont mayor rode triumphantly thru the heart of town after returning a conquering hero from the blood-strewn battlefield over by the railroad tracks where an enemy older than the town itself lay gasping in defeat, late Friday. As was the custom in ancient Rome, when a commander returned after subduing a particularly nasty foe, oftentimes the citizens would rise up in gratitude and thanksgiving and bestow their highest honor on the brave warrior who saved them from the clutches of a bloodthirsty nemesis. Such was the case after news swept the town of the outrageous success of the mosquito spraying that was done under the watchful eye of the Mayor - ah, I mean Caesar - as the mosquitoes were routed and sent back to the stinking swamps that spawned them (although John Sypher did all the actual work and Kynda Browning from Tekoa was the brains behind the operation).

"Dang, is that another parade? Haven't we had enough parades this year? What are we celebrating this time? What, is the Mayor's bald spot growing at a less alarming rate than previously observed??" said a local farm wife who needs to be fed to the lions or banished to the salt mines or something. "And what is the Mayor doing on that contraption, anyway? That just looks stupid!!" she said while clutching her tattered bathrobe tightly to her throat. "I moved to Lamont for the peace and quiet - I had no idea this place was going to turn into the parade capitol of the doggone world. I need my beauty sleep, dang it!" she said with outrageous levels of understatement, drawing enthusiastic nods of approval from all those within earshot.

"Hey, that picture ain't of our Mayor. That guy in the picture looks all regal and warlike and our mayor is the spitting image of Danny DeVito - only not so handsome" said a town retiree taking time out from his garden where he pretends to be out of earshot from his wife's incessant nagging. "Heck, our mayor could barely see over the edge of that thing, which would appropriately put him right at eye level with the business end of them horses!" he chuckled. "Heck, I'd gladly elect him Caesar just to see that. I am not sure I could tell the difference between the two!" he mused before being cast into irons to spend the rest of his days chained to an oar on an imperial war galley. "And ain't it just like him to go celebrating himself when other people did all the work? I could see them Tekoa people getting a fancy parade or whatever the heck this is supposed to be - but not that glory grabber!" he said while turning his bad ear towards his house where his wife was hollering at him to take out the trash before having him rub lotion on her corns. "Quick, act like we are in the middle of an important and interesting conversation!!" pleaded the desperate man. "I just can't go in there to rub lotion on her feet no more. A man has to have some dignity, for Pete's sake!" he said despairingly. "Wow, this here parade is pretty interesting after all. We should make the Mayor a Caesar every day - at least until them corns go away " he said hopefully.

Deep Thoughts On Small Town Management

Sitting around talking about pumpkins doesn't make them grow any faster, especially if no one put the dadburn seeds in the ground when the idea first came up!

People who have bad dogs usually have misbehaving kids so why not buy the whole town a dog-training book and save the sheriff the hassle later on?

No good town deed ever goes unpunished and all public service is compared against what a given citizen thinks someone else is getting, regardless of his or her own needs.

Irrespective of what good thing happens, there are always dozens of people who somehow take all the credit. All bad things are blamed on the current Mayor even if he lived in another state at the time.

The people who are the most opinionated usually do the least amount of actual work.

Every dog in town is bad but one's own, regardless of how many people it bites or front doors it pees on. Thus, all dog fines are a personal vendetta from that no-good Mayor and are not based on what the dog actually did - given that he/she is just a little angel - at least around the house.

People in town who don't even eat eggs will want chickens in their yard if someone else has them.

For people with junky yards, the time spent complaining about other people's yards versus cleaning up their own is about 40-to-1 - although they promise to clean up their own yard when that other no-good 'so-and-so' does - thus creating some sort of junky 'vicious cycle' of inactivity.

Far too many citizens prefer for the town to fail at something because saying "I told them so" is so much more personally satisfying than saying "that's really nice". (Heaven forbid that anyone say "hey, that's great, let me help next time!)

More often than not, the people who are visited by the sheriff the most never seem to have fertility issues - and this genetic trait extends from generation to generation - as do the sheriff visits.

There is an inverse relationship between talking to kids at the dinner table and shouting at the top of one's lungs in the front yard (shouting of any kind, except in an emergency, is a surrogate for calm, thoughtful communication - plus, everyone within ear-shot will know that the shouter is a 'hands on' individual and not a neglectful parent like all those other people).

For many, nothing the Town can ever do is right, and when the town does something right it was never soon enough or they just did it out of spite to prove that they can do something right just to make them look bad.

Citizens who don't obey traffic laws cannot be trusted to keep their word when working with the town to do things like clean up their yards, control their dogs or mind their kids - but ironically seem to make the most promises in regard to changing behavior.

No one hates town improvement more and works harder against it than the people who can't manage to keep their own houses and yards in order - because all disorder is relative, after all. The general axiom is 'No place is truly junky as long as there is someplace worse.'

And finally - few opportunities in life provide a venue where more good can be done for more people with the least amount of effort than when done in a small town government setting, even if no one notices but those doing it or people who haven't been in town for a while.

Great Moments In American History

As we all know, our collective history is replete with wonderful moments that fill our hearts with joy and bring tears to our eyes. From the moment we threw off the shackles of a bunch of English guys with white wigs (to say nothing of those snooty accents), it seemed like our cultural trajectory was ever onward and upward. Well, as of late, America's fortunes have appeared to be a little frayed around the edges and our luster has been dimmed somewhat. So, being a patriotic lot, the Town of Lamont has stepped up in order to reverse this downward national slide into the natural order of decline and decay on the Roman model. Let us all hope that this great nation will draw strength from Lamont's mosquito control example and that we will pull ourselves up by our collective national bootstraps, get off our lazy posteriors and plunge right into a bright and vibrant future. Sure, it may be on Lamont's shoulders to lead this fine nation back to a 'can-do' spirit now, but although it appears inconceivable at this point, there may be a time in the future that Lamont will not be in a position to so forcefully lead this nation, and thus the world. So, if and when that sad day should appear, may this proud land remember Lamont's contribution to our nation's collective psychological recovery (and all those mosquitoes we killed!) and lend a hand to us, too. Plus, we can have guests in our town now that they will not have to get a blood transfusion upon leaving the Town limits. Oh, these are heady days, indeed! Hey, don't forget the "Music in the Park" program in Lamont starting at Noon on May 31st. Come on down and hear some local musicians share their God given talents! (thankfully, the Mayor has received numerous bribes (almost exclusively in the form of food!) to not sing as is his custom, so it should be an enjoyable day all the way around!) And unlike in previous years, you won't have to bring mosquito spray (at least not the type/strength they had to use in Vietnam!) Sadly, there will be no open mic, but you can sing along with the actual performers, however! (bring your own lunch - there will be plenty of picnic space in the shade!)

The Sun Also Rises On Lamont

What an apt literary reference (from Hemingway fame) for a town that was pretty much written off for dead by not only a vast majority of the citizenry, but also pretty much anyone who knew anything about the town. Lamont is a textbook case of a few caring individuals making a difference, pooling their talents and resources and saying "hell no" to the powerful and stubborn forces of decay, neglect, apathy and disorder. Lamont is blessed by being located in Whitman County and having a fine County Commissioner like Greg Partch, by having strategic partnerships with first rate organizations like Century West Engineering (Dennis Fuller, their head man, has done more to instill a sense of hope and purpose in the future than just about anyone) - and finally, as anyone who has dealings with small towns knows, the key to any multi-faceted recovery hinges on having a good Town Council - and Lamont has one of the best. We have had some turn-over in that regard, but for every one that left a new, vibrant individual stepped up to grab the bull by the horns (Ruth, Michael, etc). With caring leadership and a core team of devoted citizens, (of which Lamont has more than its fair share) literal mountains can be moved. The Lord has shined His blessing on this little town in the Palouse, because a few people were foresighted enough to ask Him and He never withholds His blessings for work done in His name. As it is often said "You can judge a tree by its fruit" and as of late the Lamont fruit has been good indeed - not because of a surplus of money or management talent or some hidden program - but thru sheer persistence and positive momentum. It has been said that victory has 1000 fathers but defeat is an orphan, and in the Lamont case this is true. Many people have put their hearts (and backs) into the effort, and future harvests look promising indeed. There are many people to thank and many hands to shake, and you all know who you are - so keep up the good work! This is not the beginning of the end - but the end of the beginning (okay, I stole that one from Winston Churchill) so let's keep moving onward and upward! Thanks everybody. There is a lot more to do (but it gets easier from here on out)!

Even The Sunsets Are Better After Lamont Treatment Program Causes Millions Of Mosquitoes To Die!!!

The picture above is of a now typical sunset as enjoyed in the town of Lamont after we, with the help of Kynda and John Sypher and all the fine folks at Tekoa, began treating the town for mosquitoes on a weekly basis. We are not sure how or why, but even the sunsets have been between 65-90% more colorful and enjoyable since the blood-sucking hoards of winged insects began to drop from the sky like so many leaves from the devil's favorite tree in hell. Oh yea, victory is sweet - especially when you have the blood left to enjoy it! The question is: were sunsets always this wonderful and we just couldn't enjoy them due to blurred vision caused by inadequate circulation to the brain - or are the sunsets (and sunrises) actually better now - like the world is rewarding us for finally getting off our duffs and killing the darn mosquitoes? Somehow, we may never know - but we don't really care at this point. But, it will be something to ponder next winter when there are 3 foot snow drifts and the wind howls like a scorned banshee and everyone feverishly awaits the warm embrace of Spring once again (and complains about all the snow and the state of the roads and why the Town doesn't shovel their property to their exact specifications although they are physically capable of doing so! Oh, the joys of Spring!!)

Town of Lamont Officially In Love With Tekoa: Tekoa, Wisely, Is Keeping All Options Open

The Town of Lamont is officially head over heels in love with a neighbor city, Tekoa, after all the wonderful help that city has given the town in dealing with one of the most hideous mosquito problems in the lower 48 states - although Tekoa is not likely to reciprocate, given the obvious social differences between the two incorporated entities. "Well, actually it is quite common for small, struggling towns to get a crush on larger, more organized towns" said Wilber Jenkins III, an area sociologist and city planner. "If you just use the human example of the poor kid on the wrong side of the tracks pining for the beautiful rich girl who lives in the big, fancy house (and whose dad is the banker) and who is loved and adored by all of the people of class and standing, that pretty much paints the proper picture. On some level it is only natural, although it often leads to rejection and heartbreak that can be painful for the smaller, less organized town" said Jenkins III regrettably.

"Well, of course we are flattered and all, who wouldn't be, but I just feel that a long-term union between our two towns is simply out of the question" said an unnamed Tekoa spokesperson. "I mean, aside from the obvious difference in population and the glaring socio-economic disparities, Lamont doesn't even have a Parks and Recreation department and/or a golf course and can't even organize their own garbage pickup, for Pete's sake!. I just don't see how this could ever work - plus we kind of have our eyes on larger, more organized cities like Cheney or maybe even Spokane Valley who (unlike Lamont) have median property values that are above those of a good used car. I just don't see how we could go back to where we were as a town 100 years ago - to say nothing of all those mosquitoes Lamont would bring with them every time they came 'a-callin'" said the remorseful yet firm Tekoa spokesperson. "Lamont would be better to focus their obviously abundant affections on some town that died and is on the verge of being re-incorporated or something. That just makes more sense, really. That would just be the best for everyone" she said gently.

"Well, that really hurts, but we understand, I guess" said the downcast Mayor while adjusting his black armband after lowering the town flag to half mast. We were all so excited by the wonderful help they gave us on the mosquito thing, I guess we just confused inter-town cooperation and good neighborliness with the hope for something more. It just gets so lonely out here on the edge of the scablands" he sniffed. "Although this is embarrassing, rejection never is easy, (thankfully, few towns in North America - let alone the world - are more well-versed and well-seasoned in the entire range of potential forms of worldly rejection - so Lamont is well placed to spring back nicely, all things considered) but I am just thankful that our mosquitoes will be dying by the millions, and I hope our misplaced emotions and outrageous social climbing won't impact our friendship in any way" said the Mayor, putting a brave face on an otherwise humiliating situation.

Lamont Mayor Receives 200% Raise: "He's Worth Every Cent", Says Councilperson

In what is deemed by some an unnecessary extravagance and by others (a very few) a long overdue recompense for a job well done, the Town of Lamont increased the Mayor's salary by a significant percentage, late Monday. "Oh, I just don't know what to say" said the beaming yet contrite Mayor with outrageous levels of false modesty. "To be honored in such a dramatic fashion by a Council that I want to beat the 'living crap' out of half the time is enough to give me pause and remember that government service at the lowest level of our fledgling democracy is truly a noble, honorable and worthy endeavor - and that all that name calling, vicious slander and late night knocks at my door by people of questionable sobriety is indeed worth it, after all" he gushed. "I just hope I can serve the Town with the vim and vigor that is commensurate with this generous statement of trust and confidence that has been so graciously laid on my table" he droned on annoyingly with entirely too much arm/hand gesturing. (several in attendance assumed he was attempting to land a small plane or something and kept nervously glancing up at the sky in order to calculate which way to run)

"Well, we had to do something" said an unnamed Councilperson. "I am not sure I could sit thru one more meeting and listen to that seemingly endless stream of pathetic whining, self-serving breast-beating and the occasional emotional collapse into a fit of over-burdened self-pity. So we all agreed to give him a healthy percentage increase in the hopes that he would just shut the heck up already and do his job, for Pete's sake!!" he said pleadingly. "I mean, we are the second smallest town in the State, how hard can the Mayor job actually be? Sure, it was an empty, vacuous, totally symbolic gesture, given that he currently draws no salary at all - but by the time he actually figures that one out - with any luck - he will have moved on to something new to bellyache about and we can hopefully put this whole sorry episode behind us once and for all" he stammered hopefully. "I was actually for giving him a 300% raise, but the other Council Members are more frugal than myself and opted for a more reasonable increase. Who cares, as long as we no longer have to listen to that incessant whining? Oh, I am at the end of my tether with all that whining!" he said despairingly.

Lamont Wins First Place In Something - Finally!

The Town of Lamont, usually at the tail end of every conceivable pack and list and competition that anyone can possibly imagine, stunned the Palouse with a shocking 'first place' finish in at least one thing, insiders report. "Well, needless to say we are pleased at our first place finish in something" said the jubilant Mayor. "I am not sure who keeps track of these sort of statistics or what exactly we won, but I am not about to look a 'gift horse in the mouth', as they say. We'll take it, whatever it is!!!" he said proudly. "They said something about average annual blood loss due to mosquito bites and the decreased likelihood of being feasted upon by the blood sucking undead or whatever - but as long as we are first that is all that matters! Ahhhh!!! Victory is sweet! Sweet indeed!!! In your face, Sprague!!!" he said ungraciously while unfortunately attempting the popular dance move "The Rump Shaker".

"Well, after surveying the whole state, it was determined that there was an inverse relationship between the indigenous mosquito populations in various towns and the nocturnal feasting patterns of the walking undead - and in no place was this more pronounced than in Lamont" said Martin Finklestein, an area paranormal researcher. "Given my line of research into the bizarre and unexplainable, we have had our eye on Lamont for many years, so when these numbers came back and the obvious pattern became apparent, we had to investigate further. At first we thought the blood sucking fiends might be hesitant to attack people in Lamont because of a preponderance of crucifixes or bottles of holy water carried as lucky charms or something, but given that a vast majority of the citizenry has not seen the inside of a church since they tried to stop their favorite cousin from marrying that guy from Idaho, that was easily ruled out. And although there is an almost unbelievable amount of bad breath that hangs over the town like a funeral shroud, very little of it comes from the consumption of garlic - since that falls into what might be considered the "vegetable category' so it is religiously avoided by the average citizen. Finally, after taking numerous samples, we determined that the incredibly low red blood cell counts that the average citizen has - due to the yearly mosquito infestation - has caused the vampires and blood sucking ghouls to just not deem it worthy to feed there - kind of like an oil company not wanting to put down a new well into an already tapped out field. It all comes back to some sort of disgusting, evil "return on investment' calculation, it would seem" said Finklestein. "There is just not enough blood left in the Town after the mosquitoes get done to make it worth their while, I guess" he said.

"We're #1.... We're #1. Whooo hooo. We WON!!! We actually WON something!!! If we keep this up we can be as cool and well managed as Tekoa!!! " beamed the ecstatic Mayor before collapsing exhaustedly onto the park bench due to poorly oxygenated blood after wearing short pants outside for just 15 minutes twice this week. (Note: The fine folks at Tekoa just started helping Lamont solve a real and very serious mosquito problem - so when you see Kynda Browning or Mayor Jaeger or any of that well-oiled, efficient, professional team, give them a hug! May God bless Tekoa, WA - and may all mosquitoes die!!!!!)

Town Of Lamont Stuns Entire Palouse By Embracing The Internal Combustion Engine (after 100 years)

In a bold move sure to rock the "Flat Earthers" back on their heels once and for all, the lowly Town of Lamont (that has been a town for 100 years, for Pete's sake!) purchased their first 'non-living' vehicle, late Thursday. The vehicle, part general purpose truck and part snowplow, does not eat hay and leave 'road apples' strewn all over the place (especially right in front of the Mayor's mailbox - which given its frequency and concentration could not have been mere random chance - thus increasing the Mayor's extensive and largely justified paranoia as it relates to the cantankerous and vengeful town mule) and will serve a variety of roles within the town, not the least of which is proving once and for all that Lamont may be slow in embracing new technology - but we are not officially dead-end laggards as many in the local region suspect.

"Good gravy, man!!!!" bellowed the Mayor. "This is the dadburn Lamont equivalent of the good old USA landing on the moon one step ahead of the no-good Ruskies back when I was a kid!!!!" he said melodramatically with a patriotic flair. "Sure, it takes a lot of backward thinking and sheer ignorant stubbornness to become and remain the second smallest town in a thriving state, and you don't get that way by running off all 'willy-nilly' and embracing every new fad and 'Johnny-Come-Lately' scheme to make our lives easier. We are not risk-takers like that, and thank goodness we aren't!" he babbled passionately. "We are fairly sure that this whole 'motor vehicle thing' is pretty much a proven concept at this point - but time will tell" he said suspiciously.

"Now, listen, just because we purchased a truck doesn't mean we are going to get all '20th Century' in every aspect of our lives, so we have decided to park the truck in the old mule stall as opposed to some 'new-fangled' garage or something (ironically, this stall belonged to Nellie's mother, Mabel, who served Lamont when men were men and mules were mules - before being put out to pasture in the late 1980's)- and rather than buy a lawn mower for the town we are just going to encourage Nellie (the living one) to get off her lazy duff and keep the park looking spiffy and well trimmed (thus reducing Lamont's hay overhead costs at the same time)" he said, demonstrating his keen management insights into employee motivation strategies and cost/benefit analysis. "Oh, this is exciting" he stammered foolishly while rummaging in every drawer looking for the keys to the new truck. "Darn technology!!! Nellie (the living one) never had to have a key! Maybe this technology thing is not so great after all. Oh, what have we done???"

Two-Thirds Of Town Temporarily Blinded As Mayor Wears Short Pants To Park For First Time This Year

In a tragic move that has left a vast majority of the town momentarily sightless and fumbling for the basic necessities of life, a local Mayor selfishly (although innocently) sauntered over to the park to enjoy the warmth of Spring, late Sunday. "Well, I was taking out the trash to get the wife off my back when I casually glanced towards our beautiful park (with over 15 new trees!!!) and it was like the burning flash of 1000 suns reached out to destroy me and rendered my eyes completely useless, for Pete's sake!. My optic nerve was completely overwhelmed as a functioning sensory unit by the outrageous "whiteness" of it all! Oh, it was horrid! Snow blindness in a frozen arctic hell is like a walk in the park compared to this example of man's inhumanity to his fellow man!! If we would have just had those legs at Gitmo we would have flushed out Osama Bin Laden years ago!!! Heck, I felt like confessing and I am not even a terrorist!" said the local citizen who only takes out the trash after excessive amounts of nagging. "At first I thought those darn 'Ruskies" dropped the 'big one' on us, but when I did not feel a massive shock wave and my hair did not begin to fall out (Legal Note: although tragically suffering from extensive pattern baldness that borders on the need for a 'comb-over', his condition cannot be directly attributed to the unfortunate incident in the park so thus the Town is not liable for any damages - although psychological suffering is certainly warrented) , I knew the answer had to be more basic, regardless of its sinister nature" he said.

"Well, let me tell you. I was taking my wiener dog for a walk and just happened to turn the corner at the exact moment that the Mayor passed the swing set as he made his way to the picnic tables" said a now sightless housewife/busybody/town snoop. "Luckily, I was staring at the ground, mumbling about my no-good neighbors so I did not get the full blast of that 'other worldly' glow. The first sign of trouble I had was when my dog 'Princess' began to whimper and tug at the leash. Of course I just figured she wanted to chase a bird or something, but when I looked down she was laying on her belly, paws over her eyes, making the most horrible racket you ever heard!" she said. "That is when I glanced up and received the full effect of those unbelievably white legs and my knees buckled as my eyes just ceased to function. The bad part is, the last image I saw is still burned into my mind, so I am forced to replay that horrible moment over and over - at least until my sight returns after its more-than-understandable little rebellion" she said.

New 'Cowpoke' Corralled, Dipped, Tagged And Trucked To Meat Packing Plant In Zany, Side-Splitting Herd Initiation Ritual

Dateline: Lamont - In a ritual that stretches back to when the Palouse was first settled by Jebediah Lamontowitz and his herd of free-spirited, 'devil-may-care' cows 150 years ago, the newest ranch hand at the Bodine Ranch was subjected to the time tested and historically significant bonding (some would say hazing) ritual that has served as the glue that holds the local rancher community together during times of thick and thin. The new cow hand, Wilber "Stinky" Snopes, a recent graduate of the local high school (at the age of 20), was lured, as tradition dictates, into a false sense of security before undergoing the exact treatment he will inflict on 1000's of cows in his long and illustrious career as a vanguard of the beef industry in Lamont.

"Whoa! That was NOT funny at all! That was just wrong on almost every conceivable level, for Pete's sake!" said 'Stinky' Snopes. "The last thing I remember was a bunch of the guys milling around, saying something about there being a birthday cake out by the cattle shoot, so having a hankering for something sweet, I made my way out there by the most direct route possible. Then, the next thing I know I was wrestled to the ground, hog-tied like some common beast of burden, I felt a sharp pain in my ear, and a sack was thrown over my head before I was unceremoniously dipped into a vat of stinking liquid and then was heaved into a cattle truck that almost immediately began the long trip to Oregon" said 'Stinky' breathlessly with a slight facial tick. "Somehow during this unfortunate altercation, right after I got that bright yellow ear tag, I think, the bag got pulled up a little so I could see that they were dragging me towards the corral where all the young bulls cease to be bulls, but I made such a fuss and blubbered like a school girl to such an extent I think they took pity on me and just threw me in the truck so I would shut up!' he said (in fact, 'Stinky' continued to make high pitched whining noises and muffled sobs until well past the Oregon border!)

"Well, that was just about the best dadburn initiation we have had in years. All of us cow pokes were a little hesitant about working with the new kid, given his well deserved nickname and all, so we were all excited about making sure this thing went off without a hitch" said Clem Parker, 26, a fellow ranch hand. "I remember when they done that to me right after I got kicked out of the 8th grade and Pa had me go to work for the first time. Sure, I was a little scared, but at least I didn't squeal like a 'nancy-boy' and make a fuss that they could hear all the way down in Colfax" he said proudly. "The best way to have empathy for the cows is to go thru the process yourself, that is what leadership is all about - leading by example - plus, the cows seem to get a kick out of seeing one of us go thru the wringer. That ritual does a whole lot of good for the herd at large, and is not just an antiquated way to put the young whippersnappers in their place" he said sagely.

Local Woman Blames Popular Breakfast Cereal For Recent Psychotic Episode

After meeting at least 7 of the 9 criteria laid down by the American Psychological Association (APA) for a psychological meltdown requiring incarceration, a local resident, Mary Jo Bodine, brushed off the recent diagnosis of impending mental collapse and instead blamed a popular national breakfast cereal for her woes, late Tuesday. "Well, I have been a psychologist for 27 years and can spot madness from a mile away" said Dr. Justin Davies, an area psychologist. "Although many factors, such as genetic disposition, sudden life changes, substance abuse, etc, can contribute to such an acute breakdown, it stretches credulity to blame this blatant instability on a crunchy, delicious, totally satisfying breakfast treat that makes its own chocolate milk, for Pete's sake! That's just wrong! I eat the stuff 8-10 times a week for breakfast, lunch and dinner (to say nothing of the occasional 'midnight snack') and I am as fit as a fiddle - mentally at least" said the balding, near-sighted, mental health professional who could stand to lose a few pounds (about 40). "Now that I think of it, blaming inanimate objects for one's psychological woes is another sign of mental instability - so that bumps her APA score up to 8 out of 9. That places her firmly in the "totally nuts" category!" said Dr. Davies.

"Sure, I come from a long line of people who have required some level of psychological intervention - who would blame us being cooped up out here on the ranch listening to that constant mooing and having to deal with all of those smells day-in and day-out" said Mrs. Bodine. "But given this extensive, up close and personal exposure to mental illness over the years, I think I am qualified to tell the difference between rank madness and a lusty hankering for some delicious, chocolaty breakfast cereal! It's the Cocoa Puffs, I tell you. Like the ad says, I'm Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs!!! I'm Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs!!! It's not ME!!! It's the Cocoa Puffs!!!, she shouted while running down the street in a ball gown wearing a football helmet (the helmet didn't even match the gown - who but a crazy person would wear an orange helmet with maroon evening attire?) and occasionally peeking into mailboxes and shouting "I see you in there - You cannot hide from me - Come out and take your medicine - It tastes like chocolate but its medicine"!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA" she ranted insanely.

Local Rancher Recovering After Tragic Electrolysis "Treatment" Goes Terribly, Terribly Wrong

A local rancher, Jed Jarmish, now completely hairless from the neck up, is resting quietly at home after experiencing what was, by all accounts, a hair-raising brush with disaster, late Monday. Although reports are still sketchy, early indications seem to point to an overly eager and obviously zealous 'hair removal' technician who, at some point in her formative years and/or troubled childhood, had some disturbing 'life trauma' that somehow had to do with excessive facial hair, the lingering odor of cow manure and/or a slightly pronounced "Neanderthal-like" eyebrow ridge structure - also known as the 'mono-brow'", said an unnamed official. "Something sure triggered that poor girl into action, but on some level we will never know why she responded like she did - and with such obvious gusto! Its all so inexplicable! This might just be a case of youthful exuberance, but even that seems a little understated given the end result of her work here!", he said.

"Well, the wife has been nagging me about the one trait that all of the Jarmish clan so proudly display - (sadly, this recessive gene seems to be doubly pronounced in the family women) - the unique and largely unsettling "mono-brow" that, according to her, should have gone out of fashion right after the last ice age" said rancher Jarmish. "So, I drove all the way to Spokane , checked in at my favorite "Hair-Be-Gone" Salon since they have that weekly special "Missing Link Mondays" - like a 'Happy Hour' for the fantastically (some would say tragically) hairy, and quietly waited for my turn. I must have gotten sleepy, because I dozed off the minute my treatment began - and when I woke up several hours later (feeling an unnatural breeze in unfamiliar places) and made my way out to the truck, I could not help but notice how the crowds of shrieking onlookers parted for me like the Red Sea - but I really had no idea what all the fuss was about - at least not then!" said the aerodynamic yet oddly fashionable rancher.

"In many ways I like this better - especially after I figured out that I could rub charcoal where my eyebrows used to be and I almost look normal. I kind of miss my real eyebrows and eyelashes, though - and now that my once proud 'mono-brow' is gone the rain tends to slide right off of my sloped forehead and into my eyes, but it will really save money on shampoo, I guess" said the unbelievable cheapskate. "The only real downside is the fact that those doggone chickens keep swooping down on me wanting to roost on my head like it is some sacred, mythical egg from some poultry version of the Holy Grail or whatever, and my doggone dogs keep attacking me like I am some kind of bill collector or something. Oh, at least the cows still recognize me", said Jarmish. "Hey, I wonder if you can still get dandruff if you don't have any hair?" he pondered philosophically while dusting off his shoulders out of force of habit, like a smoker bringing his fingers to his lips after years of not lighting up.

Local Woman Begins "Speaking In Tongues" At Recent Get-Together

A local citizen, long renowned for her excellent diction and firm, solid grasp of the English language, suddenly burst into a tongue foreign to her the minute the mayor, originally from the great state of Mississippi, sauntered into the room for the weekly Sabbath celebration. "Well, we like to meet for our worship services on Saturday morning, the day laid down in the bible as the Sabbath, (the biblical 7th day 'of rest' begins at sundown on Friday and ends at sundown on Saturday - and is not on Sunday - contrary to centuries of tradition) so when I showed up at the appointed time, dressed in my usual attire - flannel shirt, clean overalls, straw hat, scuffed leather boots, (coon dog in tow, of course) - you know - the classic trademarks of a true Southern gentleman of taste and sophistication, - when all of a sudden she just let forth this eerie stream of words and intonations that were enough to raise the hackles on the back of my neck. It was just 'other-worldly'" said the mayor.

"I was always under the impression that when people 'spoke in tongues' that they used some august, impressive, and indeed ancient language like Latin, Greek, Hebrew or one of the other foundational pillars of our linguistic landscape. So one can only guess at my surprise when my fellow Sabbath celebrant spewed forth a well-refined string of Southern redneck jargon that would have even made my old grand pappy proud, bless his long-stilled heart. It was like some 'mysterious' mixture of "Mini Pearl" and "Jeff Foxworthy" all rolled into one. It has been a while since I lived in the South, so I did not catch all of it, but I was able to pick up enough verbal clues such as "Hankering", 'I Recon", "Ya'll" and "Fixing to" (not to mention making a hash out of that whole 'lunch/dinner/supper' thing) to realize that this was, in fact, no act being put on for my amusement or mortification" said the mortified, less-than-amused mayor with an all-too-common look of bewilderment! (there is still some dispute over whether there was, in fact, subtle hints of banjo music wafting in the background and/or the satisfying smell of "sweet tater pie" floating tantalizingly from the kitchen since witnesses differ hotly on these points)

"Well, I just don't know what came over me" said the multi-lingual maven of mischief. "One moment I was fine, just chatting away like any normal person, and after laying eyes on the mayor and his folksy 'get-up', the next thing I knew I was just transported back in time and place (after shedding numerous IQ points, by the way) to the linguistic Antebellum South where all syllables are drawn out until your head wants to explode and where it takes 15 minutes to ask for a glass of water. Oh, it was horrible!" she cried. "I really have no idea what I uttered, but I could tell by the look on the mayor's face that this gibberish was having some profound effect on him. He just sat there, mouth open, trembling like some puppy that just got pulled from an icy river. I felt really bad for him" she said disingenuously.

Local Mayor Gets Roped Into Going To Some "Chick Thing" At Spokane Opera House

In a bold move that is sure to strain the very fibers of his otherwise robust and secure gender identity, a local mayor buckled under outrageous pressure and agreed to attend (under duress, it should be noted) the annual Bi-County Music Festival in support of the local Middle and High School kids from Lamont, although his 'male radar' gave him ample warning that there was a high probability that this was, in fact, 'a major chick thing' and he was liable to be miserable and feel out of place amongst all the 'fancy people' with all their color coordinated clothes and normal looking haircuts. "Well, one of my good friends, Ruth Simpson, has a daughter that sings like an angel - or so I am told, being tone deaf and all, and she was in the High School Honor Choir - so the nonstop nagging, griping, bribing and cajoling for me to go to the thing began early" said the still stunned and confused mayor. "So, after trotting out my usual list of excuses like having surgery that day, being drafted by the Army and having to report to boot-camp and/or expecting a call from the Governor on important Homeland Security issues affecting the safety of our great nation, and having each of these shot down like the 'bogus bags of hot air' that they were, I was left with the cold, hard realization that I might not be able to get out of this one after all. It was really quite disconcerting" he whined!

"First off, when we got there I realized, much to my consternation, that it is not even called the "Spokane Opera House' anymore, it is some "INB Performing Art Center" or some such thing. Sudden changes like that can really throw me into a downward cycle. Then, as I shuffled across the impressive lobby towards the seating, taking in the panoramic views of the river, all I could think while looking at that beautiful water and lush, green grass was that there was not a single cow in sight! I mean 'what the heck'? All that water and grass and not a single cow! No wonder this country is going to hell in a hand basket! What waste! What decadence! And then I made the mistake of looking up and seeing the listing for the coming attractions and, much to my horror, noted that some darn thing called the 'Cirque de la Symphonie' was coming in April. The dang thing doesn't even have an English name - so who knows what sort of "Commie loving" organization is putting that thing on. Oh, and something quite appropriately called 'Mancini Madness' is coming up soon, too! The whole thing just gave me the shivers!" he shuddered. "And I could just tell by the furnishings and nice carpet that this was one of those places that doesn't even have a 'spit cup" holder built right into the seats. Whoa!!! What a thing to skimp on! I mean spend a few bucks on the things that matter, for Pete's sake!"

Although unconfirmed, early reports indicate that the mayor did indeed have a good time, although when asked he conveniently changes the subject and asks if anyone wants to go throw the football or shoot guns or something. "Well, I looked over at him a couple of times, and he was actually tapping his foot and drumming his fingers (off key, of course), said an observer. "There was one awkward moment when the High School Honor Band was playing a lively tune and the mayor asked a horrified (and unknown) woman sitting next to him if she wanted to dance, but after being curtly rejected and having the irate and fussy usher whisper emphatically in his ear, he finally seemed to calm down and enjoy himself" she said. "I think he actually had fun, and Teresa Simpson had another flawless performance, making Lamont look good for a change" said the woman who, or so it seems, spent way too much time observing the mayor and not enough enjoying the talented youngsters.

Local Bad Speller Spends Nightmarish Week In Hellish Wasteland When All He Wanted Was A Little Ice Cream

A local rancher, Bubba Bodine, learned the importance of paying attention to details late last month when, after repeatedly being asked about his vacation preferences and only grunting unhelpfully in response, his wife finally wrote her preference on a piece of paper and handed it to him at the dinner table. "Oh my goodness. What the heck just happened to me?" said the rancher while stumbling off the bus upon returning from only the 2nd family vacation in 27 years of marriage. "The wife had been droning on at me for months about this vacation she wanted to take and I tried to tell her that this was the height of the "professional wrestling" (pronounced 'rasslin') season and any time was a bad time - so finally I just quit listening as I fantasized about my favorite wrestler (pronounced 'rassler') "The Rebel Rodeo Clown" making it all the way thru "Smack Down 2009" and winning that fantastically cool belt buckle I would give a kidney to own - when, out of the blue, the wife handed me a piece of paper asking me, or so I believed, if I wanted some dessert - to which I enthusiastically agreed. We were at the dinner table, for Pete's sake!! All I wanted was something sweet and soothing to calm my nerves before the 'rasslin' matches started at 7:00 PM. I tend to get worked up, you know? Plus, I just got my new 'rasslin' outfit back from the cleaners - chaps and all!!" said the inattentive but now much wiser rancher.

"So, before I knew it, the wife had booked tickets on the bus from here to Death Valley (second class, of course, since farmers /ranchers always travel cheap so there is more money to spend at those roadside souvenir shops), and 'rasslin' or no 'rasslin' I was going on this trip after the wife made some passing reference to "Lorena Bobbit" getting a bum deal when sentenced by the judge. Anyway!" he mumbled thru sunburned lips. "My momma always said that things like spelling would come in handy one day on the ranch, but you know how mothers is - always going on about this thing or that thing. How was I to know the generic term for a sweet, creamy after-dinner snack had more than one "S". I feel like I was tricked!!" he whined! "All I remember after stepping on that scorpion that climbed in my boot were those buzzards that just kept circling and circling and circling. That, and the fact that my water-starved tongue swelled up like a toad! It was just horrible. All I could think after regaining consciousness 5-6 hours later was that listening to your wife is important. Painful, but important! Oh, why didn't my momma ever tell me that? Oh momma, you done me wrong!" he sobbed.

"I should have listened to my mother when she warned me not to marry the only son dumb enough to stay on the ranch!" said the wife. "I asked him where he wanted to go until I was blue in the face, and after grunt number 2,192 I figured I better write it down for him. It's not my fault that he cannot spell. I could train our dog to tell the difference between 'desert' and 'dessert'!! Lord knows I tried to teach him over the years!!" she said resignedly. "And oh, you should have seen him blubber when he got that little scorpion sting! You would have thought a Great White shark took his leg off below the knee! It was all so humiliating. At least next year we are going to the Everglades to see all those pretty birds and the alligators. My husband never could resist a quick swim on a hot day in August" she giggled demurely, gazing off into the sunset as if by doing so the times and seasons would hasten their plodding, measured pace.

Town Saved From 'Giant Mutant Rodent' By Equally Frightening (yet lovable) 'Giant Mutant Kitten'

(Caution: Metaphors in use. Parts of this story might never have actually happened)
The Town of Lamont was miraculously saved from obliteration late Tuesday after a giant kitten appeared out of nowhere to thwart a determined and other-worldly assault from an incredibly giant and menacing rodent of unknown origins. "Well, I was walking outside to check my mail when all of a sudden I just blurted out "dang, what stinks?" said a local resident. "So, my first thought was that it was my nosy neighbor sneaking up behind me again to see what kind of mail I had received, so when I turned around and realized that, in fact, a giant rodent hell-bent on madness and mayhem was about to destroy the town, I pretty much lost interest in my "past due" notice from the electric company" he said. "And just about the point where I was driven to the depths of madness by that demonic, ear splitting 'squeaking' and felt certain that those ugly, yellow teeth the size of refrigerators were about to send me to the great beyond, (thankfully, the nightmarish rodent's unwanted attentions were initially drawn to his nosy, malodorous, hysterically shrieking neighbor - thus proving that even unspeakable evil cannot be all bad, after all!) this huge kitten appeared out of no where to dispatch the ghastly rodent before any real harm could be done. Now, don't get me wrong, I have always been a dog person and can't stand any living thing that doesn't kow-tow to my every word, whether they be human or animal, (which might explain why he is on his 4th marriage) but I have to admit that giant feline was indeed a sight for sore eyes!" said the long-time town fixture while beaming now-toothless gums.

"Of course, the gargantuan kitten, quite appropriately, does not possess the 'killer instinct' yet (preferring compromise, consensus and team problem-solving over a bare-knuckles 'smack down') and was thus forced to just 'play' with the foul beast until it finally died of exhaustion somewhere over by the Tri-Cities or Steptoe or wherever, but those natural hunting skills will surely develop over time as he saves other unsuspecting towns from an apocalypse-like demise at the claws of the dastardly rodent of complacency, stubbornness, hide-bound tradition and personal self interest over the collective town good, I'm sure" he said sympathetically. (Quiz: the kitten represents?: A) Century West Engineering; B) The Town Council; C) Both A and B; D) I have no clue what any of this is about, for Pete's sake, but rodents give me the creeps!!!)

Town Loses Grip On Sanity By Actually Planning For Future Events

In a radical break from the past and all known, well-cherished town precedents, the Town of Lamont is conducting a series of planning meetings before an actual disaster, hideous calamity, biblical-like plague or crippling incident renders the Town useless as a functioning entity. Given the heavy snowfall this last year, the Town, under the astute leadership of the eerily forward-looking Town Council, is holding snow removal planning sessions so that we can get the equipment, infrastructure and planning mechanisms in place so that future snowy years are handled in a more streamlined and efficient way - thus saving money in the long run. This snow removal task force, comprised of elected officials and the citizenry at large, meets on a regular basis to flesh out levels of service, hardware requirements and 'special needs" for unique areas of town - thus allowing Lamont to develop a comprehensive plan for future years to come.

"Has the whole town gone mad? I just have no idea what has gotten into those people!!!" said the mayor. "First of all, this goes against every known principle of small town management. Half of the drama of living in a small town comes from neglecting and/or ignoring easily preventable events that somehow inconvenience a large portion of the citizenry! For goodness sake - we are supposed to be 'pole-axed' to our knees when some outrageous natural or man-made phenomenon sweeps thru, leaving chaos and destruction in its wake. I am the mayor of the 2nd smallest town in a relatively small state population-wise! How else am I ever going to be on CNN, for Pete's sake? That is just like the Town Council to try to steal my 15 minutes of fame" he sniveled. "What a bunch of glory hogs! If I had my own parking space (which I don't), I guess they would want to take that away too - for the 'greater good' of the town, whatever that means!" he huffed. "What is next, planning for volcanoes, fires, and floods? This thing could get out of hand pretty quickly! Somehow I know that Century West Engineering is behind this craziness, either directly or indirectly! That is just like them to try to proactively avert unfortunate events that, if allowed to manifest themselves, would give the elected officials a real sense of purpose and value!" (thanks to Jenni from Spokane Valley for bringing this sorry state of affairs to our attention)

Local Kitten Wrestles With Overwhelming Desire To Attack Something

In a classic example of "discretion is the better part of valor", a local kitten, aptly named 'Spartacus" by one of the seven (7) grandchildren, is attempting to restrain the very essence of its nature and accept the bridle of socialization in order to live up to the over-hyped and often-used "good kitty" descriptor by not stalking, pouncing on, thumping, and scaring the 'living daylights" out of the first living thing that comes into view. "Well, I have been watching that thing for about an hour, and just a casual glance was enough to tell me that darn cat is up to no good" said Myrtle Jessup, a local farm wife. "When I walked by a few minutes ago to find the TV remote so I could catch the tail end of "Oprah", the cat tried to look all cute and friendly, but I could tell it was all an act and that if I got too close I was liable to experience a recreation of some prehistoric life-and-death struggle more suited to the primordial jungles of some forgotten age than right in the middle of my living room" she said cautiously, keeping her voice low to avoid any unnecessary provocations. "Even the dog was too scared to come out from behind the couch - and normally they are good friends. Although I have no hard, tangible evidence, I just know in my bones that all hell could break loose if one of us makes any sudden, poorly conceived moves. Its like a powder keg in there! I just can't allow my home to be turned into a mini 'Wild Kingdom"" she whispered emphatically, while frantically shooing the dog towards the dubious safety of the backyard.

Local Rancher Stunned By Realization That His Favorite Relative "Uncle Festus" Looks Startlingly Like 1960's TV Star "Uncle Fester"

In one of those life-changing moments that can cause any sane individual to pray that they were indeed adopted, local rancher Flem Snopes was forced to drag the genetic skeletons out of the closet when faced with a decades old photo of a family member that everyone agrees he most resembles. After fluctuating between denial, anger, hopelessness and uncontrolled sobbing, rancher Snopes eventually threw his entire emotional weight behind the one reasonable alternative that could possibly get himself out of a life of teasing, autograph seekers, Halloween party invitations, children fleeing in blind terror and light bulbs left anonymously in the mailbox - the slim but very real chance that he was, in fact, adopted but everyone just forgot about it in what is commonly known as a rare (but certainly not unprecedented) case of collective amnesia that stretched across the Palouse. How this would somehow alter his natural resemblance to his uncle and thus avert the unfortunate consequences no one is quite sure, but one must play with the cards they are dealt, as they say.

"Well, stranger things have happened" said Snopes. "Remember that time that woman in Lincoln County said she got kidnapped by space aliens when everyone thought she was up gambling at the casino in Airway Heights with that escaped convict? Sure, it seemed hard to believe at the time, given that she was a compulsive gambler and self-destructive risk-taker, but now that I think about it I find her story very believable and feel I might have been a little hasty in my initial assessment of the situation. So, if things like that can happen right in our own backyard, I don't see why everyone in the whole extended family (not to mention the entire tri-county area) could not have forgotten about a common place thing like a simple, routine, run-of-the-mill adoption 56 years ago! Its not that far-fetched!" he said convincingly while feverishly developing a plausible explanation for those annoying pregnancy photos of his dear, sweet mother that are in half the photo albums in Whitman County.

Local Canine 'Heroes' Save Town From Mysterious "Green Thing"

In a testament of loyalty and faithfulness that stretches back to the murky depths of time itself, 'Man's Best Friend' has proven its mettle once again by protecting the defenseless, complacent, slumbering town from an undefined horror too terrible to consider. The juvenile canines, patrolling the town on their own initiative in an effort to provide added value for the outrageous amounts of "Puppy Chow" they consume 5-6 times a day, uncovered the ghastly menace while prowling the backyard and sniffing around where the cats normally like to 'take care of business'. "Well, no one is sure how something so horrific could make it to the heart of town in the first place" said a public safety official. "Whatever that thing is/was obviously relies on stealth and cunning in order to sow terror into the lives of innocent citizens" he said. "So, when these fearless heroes stumbled upon this crafty yet secretive troublemaker, their course of action was clear. Without a moments hesitation, all three of them descended on the unsuspecting interloper, thus unraveling its carefully planned schemes for mayhem and destruction. I think the whole Town owes these brave warriors a word of thanks - and any sort of table scraps that are available - like that strip of fat from a steak that everyone used to eat but now is carefully cut off in order to be all 'politically correct' and 'healthy'. These "town hounds' stepped up when other lesser, more 'lilly livered' creatures faltered and failed - so shamelessly rewarding them (as long as it is not with vegetables!), just seems fitting to me" he said.

All attempts to identify the terrible beast were thwarted because even the 'bravest of the brave' men in town would not go near the now lifeless creature to attempt a 'post-mortem', due to a crippling fear of the unknown - not to mention the almost unbelievable amounts of slobber and drool that cover the now-stilled fiend. "I ain't touching that thing! No way! That's just disgusting! said a rescue worker as he wearily left the scene to walk the two blocks to his house to grab his shovel so he could place the thing in the trash can once and for all. (special thanks goes to Sheri for bringing this situation to our attention)

Century West Engineering Continues To Revitalize Town In Spite Of Town's Own Best Efforts

In a bizarre set of circumstances that defy logic, common sense, Murphy's Law and almost every known cliché and mixed metaphor related to unusual events, Century West Engineering keeps making Lamont look good regardless of how much blatant incompetence, crushing ignorance, bumbling good intentions and 'good old boy' tomfoolery Lamont and the surrounding area throw in their path. "Well, being an elected official, I can safely say that no one is more surprised than me" said the mayor. "I mean we mean well and all, but being a small town in a largely rural district, it is not like we have to interface with the 21st century on a daily basis. Heck, we are lucky to rub shoulders with modernity two or three times a year, and that's if we're feeling spunky and over-reach our natural capacity by a factor of two or three, for Pete's sake!!!" he said. "So, needless to say, when it comes to things like infrastructure improvement and revitalizing core functions that make towns actually work, our supply of outrageous roadblocks, laughable 'work-arounds', hair-brained schemes, poor communications and a complete and total absence of team orientation and common sense is almost limitless. And this not only applies to the Town, but reaches out into organizations in the surrounding countryside, too! But in spite of that, Century West Engineering, represented by the likes of Dennis Fuller (the engineering 'Renaissance Man' of the operation) and Bryan Hicks (Brian, surely destined for greatness should he ever shake off his current string of unbelievable bad luck, sadly drew the short straw when names were being selected for this plum assignment and is now the superb engineering consultant/interface for Lamont - although after this he will be more than qualified to negotiate an end to the Arab-Israeli conflict or solve world hunger or something), somehow continue to pull Lamont's chestnuts out of the fire over and over. It's just kind of unreal, if you ask me" mused the mayor superstitiously while making hand gestures as if to ward off the 'evil eye'.

"I wish I had a dollar for every time I could honestly say 'okay, let's see Century West pull us out of THIS one!!' only to have to bonk myself on the forehead like that guy in the V-8 juice commercial when Century West somehow comes up with a solution to some vexing problem that faces a vast majority of small towns the world over" he stammered. "And all of these problems are not even of a technical nature, either. To do what they do and produce the sort of track record they have, they have to be one part NASA and one part boxing referee, with a healthy dose of Dr. Phil thrown in. I mean we are very lucky to have them and all, but I am beginning to doubt our natural ability to 'goof' things up at this point. That was always a source of pride, not only for the Town, but for the whole darn region! I'm just afraid that we're beginning to slip in our old age. That is kind of sad if you think about it. We have a lot of man-hours vested in that whole personae" he said despairingly.

Local "Fuddy-Duddy" Just Doesn't Think We Should Do That!

A local citizen, Mabel Bodine, 72, fabled matriarch of the Bodine farmer/rancher clan, long-renowned for her conservative nature and resistance to improvement and change of any kind, decided to throw her considerable weight behind the tried-and-true "do nothing" segment of the Lamont citizenry, late Tuesday. Although often hovering between complete and total lethargy and general unenthusiastic inaction, current events have caused her to move herself off of the well-worn fence and into a rare stand for a total cessation of all community-oriented activity whatsoever.

"Well, I cannot help but feel that change of any kind is just a bad thing" said the icon of inertia. "If the lazy, uninvolved people don't stand up and nip this crazy energy and activity in the bud, next thing you know the whole darn town will be sprucing up, making things better and generally creating a fuss all over the place. A large part of my self identity comes from justifying my personal failures by comparing myself to my surroundings, and if this Town improves my whole irrational excuse structure will topple over like that kitchen stool I never got around to fixing after the dadburn leg fell off in 1976" she said nervously. "I know on some level that my bold stand is a paradox - I mean it is so out of character for me to get involved in anything - but supporting the forces of inactivity just seemed sensible and prudent. Sometimes a person just has to take a stand for one's core beliefs, especially if by not doing so means that more activity might follow down the road. I darn near had a fit when they brought that 'no good' pavement in here - and who knows what other forms of devilry they are plotting over there!" she fumed - pointing disgustedly at the Town Hall with her ever-present cane made out of cow bones or something. "I still say that this town was perfectly all right without all those 'new fangled' streetlights cluttering up the place. And I drank bad water all my life and it never hurt me one bit - but oh no, we had to get some fancy new water system! Its crazy! That doggone Century West Engineering is just a bad influence - that's all there is too it. Sure, those engineers are smart and down-right 'dreamy'', but good looks and common sense are often strangers as we all know!"

Thankfully, one of the many activities that this group does not want to get involved in is voting, thus enabling the citizens who care about Lamont to elect officials with the mandate to actually get something done for a change.

Entire Town "Unimpressed" After Area Rancher Adopts "Monocle" As Way Of Exerting Social Dominance Over Peers

In an all too common insight into the fierce competitive social environment that area ranchers must survive in, local rancher Jed Bodine has resorted to wearing an affectation that, in his opinion, gives him that added air of sophistication and class that he needs to stay one step ahead of his rancher peers in the cutthroat social climate maintained by ranchers that have more than 500 cows. "Well, once you reach the magic number of 500 cows, the differences between individual ranch families pretty much blur into meaninglessness" said Bodine. "And given the natural rancher desire to look down on others and to be able to have some physical, outward sign of advantage and superiority, it just seemed logical to adopt an inefficient and cumbersome corrective lens that is indicative of 'old world' class, charm and snobbery. Plus, it gives the impression that I can do just as much work as the next guy with only one eye!" he said gleefully. "Of course, I can't see a darn thing but that is not the point, is it? What is important is not what I can actually do, but what others see me as doing - just like me going to that rancher church so people can see me acting all 'holier-than-thou'. Although the wife thinks I look like Winston Churchill or the Kaiser or something, it was still a stroke of genius, don't you think?" he beamed. "Just wait until "Old Man Snopes" hears about this! He'll spit his dentures right out into that vegetable soup he has to eat now that he has had his third triple by-pass! I just wish I could see that - but this monocle is just about worthless!!"

Sadly, the use of a monocle is only the latest in a long line of passive-aggressive ploys used across the region to "best' their fellow ranchers. Last year, several ranchers wore full tuxedos during round-up (rented, of course), adopted full grown Bengal tigers as house pets (which was none too popular with the herd!) and replaced the traditional 'baseball caps" with fetching yet awkward "silk top hats" that were indeed impressive but proved entirely unsuited for wearing while driving a tractor. (although one enterprising man installed a football helmet chin strap that seemed to improve things somewhat) Thankfully, there is no unnatural desire to compete against the citizens with fewer than 500 cows since they are obviously not a part of the 'cow aristocracy' and are below contempt in the first place. This last point is, at least, one thing that the 'rancher class' can all agree upon and could be used as a building block to begin the healing process and to stop the endless cycle of destructive competition that makes the Palouse a less than friendly place to live sometimes.