Town Enters 2010 With Century West Engineering Poised To Oversee "All That Complicated Stuff"

In a bold move that dramatically minimizes the looming specter of complete and total disaster if left to their own devices, the Town of Lamont once again chose the Spokane-based engineering firm, Century West Engineering, to help them cope with the radical culture shock that is the 21st century. (we won't even mention the 19th or 20th!) "Well, the Town and the Fire District are planning a new Community Services Building with a generous grant from those unsung heroes over there at the Dept. of Commerce and it was time to formally go thru the process of picking an engineering firm once again" said the Mayor in a strange mixture of primitive grunts and feeble hand gestures. "So, anyway, after reviewing the surprisingly robust and well-qualified list of applicants, any number of which were excellent in the extreme (Belsby, for one), Lamont chose to stay with the mind-numbingly excellent engineering firm that dragged us kicking and screaming from the Cro-Magnon era to somewhere around the year 1750 in just under 4 years!" he said enthusiastically while swatting at a persistent and obviously determined horsefly. "Sure, change of that magnitude is hard, especially in Lamont and the surrounding area, (Oh, the surrounding area! Don't even get us started!) but I just cannot see going back to starting cooking fires by rubbing sticks together or going to fetch water from the creek (pronounced 'crick') versus turning on one of those new-fangled tap things after working up one towering thirst chasing after those wily migrating caribou!" he grunted. (Darn caribou! Why can't they just stand still instead of running for their lives all the time?)

"So, with this whole Community Services Building project, not only is the ever patient Century West exposed to the almost unbelievable list of idiosyncrasies that the Town of Lamont brings to the table, but they also must navigate the political intrigues and archaic totems that are the common fare in dealing with other governmental organizations in this immediate area" he said. "That takes a level of understanding, patience and persistence that is much more common in a boxing referee than in a world class engineering firm. Believe me, being the Mayor I know first hand how difficult we can be, but exposing the Century West team to the broader cultural context that is the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area just seems a little cruel at times! (God bless Bryan Hicks!) - but Century West has proven their mettle over and over again and somehow continues to 'bring home the bacon' for us!" said the Mayor, using a somewhat ill-fitting food reference after realizing that he forgot to eat breakfast and that that growling noise is not in fact from some meddlesome saber-toothed tiger prowling the camp looking for a quick snack. "So, anyway, it is another year and thanks to Century West our future looks bright indeed. Let's just hope Lamont and the surrounding area don't somehow goof it all up!" he said hopefully (Don't you mean naively?)

Beautiful Rockford, WA Stuns Lamont By Holding Rival 'Social Event' In Same Calendar Year

The charming, strategically located and annoyingly well-managed Town of Rockford stunned the lowly, shockingly self-absorbed yet sweetly humble Town of Lamont, the 2nd smallest Town in the State, by announcing that they, too, would be putting on an exciting event in this calendar year - on May 1st, 2010 - in spite of the fact that Lamont thought that they had 'dibs' on the year 2010 and thus could expect no competition to their 100 year festival from anywhere in the State. (What collective self-delusion!) "Well, I guess times are changing around here!" said the huffy Mayor who tends to crumble when faced with competition of any kind. "So when I got wind of that surprisingly clever Sadie Hawkins/May Day dance on May 1st - held in Rockford's own fairgrounds (What show-offs! We don't even have a public bathroom and they have an entire fairgrounds? Oh yeah, life is fair!) - of course I was consumed with envy and angst" said the brooding public servant. "Sure, we naturally look up to towns like Rockford with all of their fancy trees and stores and restaurants and all of that - but a dadburn dance? The only way that the citizenry of Lamont could ever work up the courage to dance in public would somehow involve a jug of moonshine and the woeful siren call of a lone banjo or whatever. But these Rockfordians are organizing a whole event around dancing! What nerve! What bravery! What unbelievable gumption! And what’s with their smarty-pants Mayor - Micki Harnois? She is obviously a doggone genius! And then there's that amazing over-achiever Clerk/Treasurer they have - that iconic Darlene! Dang! How are we ever supposed to compete against that? But anyway, I still thought we had 'dibs' on 2010! Is nothing sacred anymore? Let me guess, they don't resolve disputes with the time-honored 'Scissors, Rock, Paper" method anymore, either! Oh, I just wish I was the Lamont mayor back in our heyday - the year 1911. Things were just so much simpler! " he sniveled.

The inspired and lovely Town of Rockford (known as the Gateway To The North Palouse!) is located on SR 27 about 15 miles south of Spokane Valley - and will be holding their really cool dance at the Rockford fairgrounds (the money raised will go to support the fairgrounds which is a darn good cause in these budget cutting times! Go help!) on Saturday, May 1st from 6:00-10:00 pm. Lamont, on the other hand, is having their 100 year festival in the town park (that we need to immediately rename 'The Lamont Fairgrounds', for Pete's sake! Why don't we have our own fairgrounds?) on Saturday, June 19th at 11:00 AM. Mark your calendars for both events! The strength and beauty that is America is contained in its small towns - so stop being so busy and come savor the vibrant beauty we all once took for granted. You can ease into the richness that is Americana by going to the Rockford event first then plunge yourself back 100+ years by attending the Lamont festival on June 19th. (Going straight from the modern world into the parallel universe that is Lamont might be too shocking for all but the most robust nervous systems - so it is better to ease into it via Rockford first! Better safe than sorry, as we always say!)

Besides stores, restaurants and businesses of any kind, some other cool things that Rockford has and Lamont does not includes: Little League baseball, a really smart, socially robust Mayor (who is on the AWC Board of Directors, too, for crying out loud!), an annual Frog Race, basketball, horsemanship, summer movies in the park, a Saturday Farmer's & Flea Market and teen organized dances (there is that dancing AGAIN!). And the summer culminates (that means finishes up or something) with the Southeast Spokane County Fair where three lovely young ladies are crowned Queen and princesses. This amazingly complicated organizational effort (by Lamont standards) also includes exhibits, entertainment, concessions, rides, vendors, and booths manned by civic groups serving wholesome (what?) homemade foods in the fairgrounds and Town Park. (They have a park too? Isn't the fairgrounds enough? Dang!) Oh yeah, and they have a fully-functioning traffic light, too! (Darn their eyes! Now that is just piling on, for Pete's sake!)

Area Mayor Confronts Common Citizen Over Outrageous Belief System

In a clash of cultures not seen in this country since that obnoxious "Urban Cowboy" fad confronted the late 1970's with all its bad hair and man-made, brightly colored fibers, an area Mayor drew the ultimate 'line in the sand' after Festus Festoon, age 63, voiced opinions so far outside of the American mainstream that the Mayor had no choice but to confront the issue head on with the full authority granted him by the Great State of Washington. "I don't care what anyone says! I just don't care! But I never have and never will eat at Taco Bell! Taco Bell stinks!" said Festus before cowering after seeing the Mayor puff up like an adder in a cage full of kangaroo rats. "Darn your eyes, sir! How dare you utter such blasphemy!" bellowed the Mayor as he threw himself on the unfortunate wretch and wrapped his vise-like hands on Festus' turkey-like neck. "Ahhh. Ahhh! Get off of me, you maniac! I can't breathe!" bellowed Festus as the Mayor attempted a time-tested (yet embarrassingly unsuccessful!) citizen's arrest while clumsily botching the tricky 'full-Nelson' wrestling (pronounced 'rassling'!) hold which, thankfully for Festus, slid harmlessly off of his vulture-like shoulders. "Take it back! Take it back, I say! Say you love those outrageously delicious 'Burrito Supremes' and those totally awesome 'Nachos Belle Grande"! Say it so everyone can hear, darn you!" screeched the Mayor thru gritted teeth before shrieking in horror (like a girl!) as Festus' toupee came off in his free hand after successfully engaging the aging un-American agitator in an ever-handy (and considerably less technically difficult!) standard headlock! "GAAHH! What the....?" screamed the Mayor as he unsuccessfully attempted to shake the fake hairpiece free which, unfortunately for him, had somehow become entangled in the band of his watch. "Help! Help! Get it off me! Oh, for the love of all that is good in this world, get that horrible thing off of me!" said the panicked Mayor while wildly swinging his arm above his head in a vain attempt to rid his person of the surprisingly real-looking 'vanity-hat'. "Give that back! Stop it! You are getting it all messed up! It cost me almost $200.00! (Editorial Note: In fact, it was only $14.00 at a Spokane area pawnshop - and worth every cent!) Be careful! That's my hair!" said the suddenly brave yet still gasping Festus with the determination of the truly desperate. "Help! Help! Oh, what is that thing? Help! Get that horrible monstrosity off of me! Oh, the horror!" sobbed the psychologically traumatized Mayor who, unable to rid himself of the ghastly furred menace, collapsed into a heap of blubbering insensibility. "Don't hurt it! Don't hurt it! I have a date tonight with the 'Widow Bodine!" pleaded the sniveling Festus while reaching for the prized yet somehow depressing 'head ornament'. "Oh the humanity! The "Widow Bodine" is dating again? Oh, that is just so wrong! Has the whole world gone mad?" mumbled the Mayor before passing out cold from fright and social confusion.

Well, after the two combatants were finally separated and the above referenced 'hairpiece' was returned undamaged to its much-relieved yet somewhat sheepish owner (who immediately yet inexpertly put it back on!) and the Mayor was properly sedated and rolled into the Town Hall on the only office chair with wheels - both sides agreed to deny that this altercation ever took place as the Mayor entered therapy due to a sudden fear of small, furry things and Festus agreed to be more open to foods that don't require ketchup.

Area Marriage Hits "Rocky Patch" After Wife Brings Home Movie Considered 'Horror Classic'

A local farmer/rancher, Bubba Bodine, has been gripped with 'crushing insomnia' and the 'night sweats' after his loving yet outrageously passive-aggressive wife, Melba, brought home the movie 'Teen Wolf' that tragically combined all of the elements that form the gumbo of her husband's most long-nurtured fears - shape-shifting man-eaters, coyote/wolf references, really short Canadians, poor plot development and almost unbelievably bad acting. "Oh, darn her cold, conniving eyes!" bellowed Bubba while shaking his fist at their wedding photo resting on the mantle of the fake fireplace in their single-wide trailer. "I have given that woman the best years of my life, and this is how she repays me? I could have married any one of those girls in our high school graduation class (all three of them!) - but I chose her! What was I thinking? (Editorial Note: Maybe it had something to do with her huge, quite angry father and staring down the business end of that double-barreled shotgun! But what do we know?) Anyway, I knew something was amiss when she so casually slid the movie in the VCR and then gingerly sauntered into the other room with due dispatch. I knew right then that those unholy chuckles and hardly restrained snickers emanating from the kitchen were portents of ill-fortune and that I was the likely victim of some cruel, inhuman ruse! And, sure enough, before I knew it, hair and fangs were sprouting out all over the place and an entire high school was up in arms with fear and bloodshed! Oh, the horror! I was paralyzed! My fear, never far under the surface, was so all encompassing that it prevented me from even moving from the couch! (In retrospect, thank goodness it is still covered with that highly fashionable yet 'easy to clean' plastic coating!). Since then I have not slept a wink for fear of impending doom while the wife sleeps the slumber of the smug and content. Darn that woman!!!! I married a she-devil! Oh, what did I do?" he whined.

"Oh, for Pete's sake! What is it now?" sighed the exasperated Melba while sitting at the kitchen table plotting her next move to psychologically unhinge her less than stable husband after what is just the latest skirmish in the ongoing war of dominance in the Bodine household proved so doggone successful. "I mean, isn't it bad enough that we had to sleep with a nightlight on until well after our third child was born? (that would make it about 12 years if we at the Lamont Blog did the math right!) And how many times have I had to drop what I was doing because my husband thought he saw coyote tracks out by the cows and came sprinting back to the house for moral and physical support, for goodness sake? If a man is that terrified of coyotes, maybe he should not become a rancher in the first place. HELLO!!!" she said while rolling her eyes towards the ceiling with amazed disgust. "Sure, I got that movie in the vain attempt to toughen him up so he could somehow overcome that totally irrational fear he has for wolves and coyotes and, of course, those pesky Canadians (The Lamont Blog has to side with Bubba here, at least on this last point! Canada! That whole country is just somehow wrong! So much like America yet so different!), but how was I to know he would lock up like that and become paralyzed with fear. I mean, I knew he was somewhat easily spooked, but even I would not have been able to predict that totally disproportionate response to a teenie-bopper werewolf movie that even had basketball in it, for Pete's sake! (Sadly, that whole basketball/werewolf thing is indeed true!) And to think that out of matrimonial concern I was going easy on him! He should thank me for putting "The American Werewolf in London" back at the last minute! And he just better be glad I insisted on leaving that plastic covering on the furniture, in spite of what his mother always says! (Sadly, it would appear that his over-protective mother is the root cause of many of these rather odd and irrational phobias!) I am just getting too old to go cleaning up after another person! Raising 5 kids pretty much knocked that desire out of me once and for all, doggone it." she said. "And I sure ain't going to go cleaning up after a grown man that is scared of that shrimpy yet surprisingly charming Canadian, Michael J. Fox...! That has to fall outside of any interpretation of the modern-day marriage contract! I know my rights! I watch 'Judge Judy' darn near every day!" said the local legal scholar. "And maybe my daddy should have left well enough alone after that very brief indiscretion in an otherwise endless sea of devout chastity during my turbulent formative years! (Note: Key word in that sentence is 'brief'!) Oh, I just don't know! she sobbed.

Shocking Geographical Ignorance Causes Area Woman To Confuse Earthquake Location (This is a true story!)

In an unfortunately true tale so unsettling that it makes one's head want to explode, an unnamed area woman called almost everyone she knew to 'share the news' that there was a major earthquake in the very lair of the devil himself - an undetermined location known in some circles simply as "Hades". Unfortunately, an almost unbelievable lack of detail orientation and basic knowledge of the world allowed this woman (not from Lamont proper, thank goodness!) to confuse this imagined seismic event with a very horrific and real earthquake in the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere - the struggling, long suffering and now almost completely devastated country known simply as 'Haiti' - where upwards of 150,000 of our 'fellow travelers' are feared dead and where human suffering is well beyond the realm of understanding for the average American in the 21st century. (our prayers go out to these people!) Although there is some linguistic similarity between the 'much discussed' and highly undesirable "Hades' and the unfortunate location of the real disaster, Haiti - the fundamentally erroneous assumptions that needed to be 'taken for truth' in order to assume that the major media outlets would report on an earthquake in the very pits of hell itself and that some even more obvious and likely explanation was not in order is too stunning to fathom without 'resorting to the bottle'! (Editorial Note: We really wish we were making this up!)

In fact, Hades is a place named after the ancient Greek lord of the dead and ruler of the nether world, which is thus referred to as the domain of Hades or, by transference, as Hades alone. The largely misunderstood yet highly unpleasant "Hades" was the 'black sheep' son of Cronus and Rhea, whoever they were. When the three sons of Cronus divided the world among each other, Hades was given the underworld, while his less cranky and more socially robust brothers Zeus and Poseidon took the upperworld and the sea, respectively. Some ancient Greek smarty-pants, Sophocles, once wrote, 'the gloomy Hades enriches himself with our sighs and our tears'. Of all the phony Greek gods, Hades is the one who is liked the least and even the gods themselves have an aversion to him. (he must be the Mayor of Hades! And we thought Lamont was bad! HA!) People avoided speaking his name lest they attracted his unwanted attention. (Yep, he's the Mayor, indeed!)

Haiti, on the other hand, is a mostly mountainous country with a really nice tropical climate. Haiti's location, history and culture once made it a potential tourist hot spot, but instability and violence, especially since the 1980s, have severely dented that prospect. Sadly, decades of poverty, environmental degradation, violence, instability and dictatorship have left it as the poorest nation in the Americas. Haiti, as opposed to 'Hades', achieved notoriety during the brutal dictatorships of the voodoo physician Francois "Papa Doc" Duvalier and his son, Jean-Claude, or "Baby Doc". Tens of thousands of people were killed under their tyrannical 29-year rule. (which makes this latest disaster even more heart-breaking) The State Department warns U.S. citizens to exercise a high degree of caution when traveling to Haiti - which is one of the very few things that it actually has in common with the so-called 'Hades'.

Unfortunately, the above-referenced geographical confusion draws attention away from a real tragedy that needs prompt action and consideration from the entire globe!

(Editorial Note: Please make your kids do their school homework every night, people! I mean, come on! Don't let this happen in your family. Plus, geography can indeed be fun. It is good to learn about those strange and exotic places like Idaho and Canada - and yes, even Haiti! Have you studied a map today? It might not be a bad idea. And give generously to reputable organizations that can make a difference in the lives of the suffering. Thank you!)

Shocking Development: Area "Redneck" Befriends Local "Nerd"

In yet another bone-chilling indication that the 'End Times' are upon us; the very foundation of the culture of the Palouse was shaken to its core after it was learned that Jethro Festoon, an area redneck, was seen 'hanging out with' and 'talking to' a well known local geek and math-nerd, Thurston Peabody III, over the last several weeks. This unlikely pair, separated by the previously assumed insurmountable hurdles of basic math knowledge and innate hunting ability (don't forget appreciation for the fine art of taxidermy!), seems to be a prime indicator that this world has indeed lost all sense of balance and propriety and that the human race as a whole is on the verge of a global collapse not seen since the last ice age. This disjointed duo, although lacking almost any conceivable areas of commonality, seems to 'actually like each other' and have even mentioned each other to their horrified (although distinctly separate, thank goodness!) friends. Jethro, the 4th son (out of 7!) of an area farmer/rancher family, successfully gutted his first deer at age 3 while that unbelievable nerd, Thurston, once passed out cold when the "Outback Steakhouse" somehow goofed up his steak order and served it medium rare by mistake, thus causing a sudden blood pressure drop that resulted in quite a scene for the unfortunate fellow diners. As if this disunity is not bad enough, the local geek, Thurston, has every intention of going to college to study Physics or Engineering, while the 'good old boy', Jethro, hates math because there are just 'too many numbers"! (Editorial Note: Oh, please tell me that he DID NOT just say THAT!)

"Oh, this is a dadburn joke, right?" bellowed the stunned Bubba Bodine, 52, dumbest son of the somewhat disreputable Bodine farmer/rancher clan and thus the one destined to take over the ranch when the 'old man' retires. "I need to smack some sense into that Festoon boy! That's treason! What is next - him reading books and watching the History Channel without someone making him at gunpoint?" bellowed the outraged alpha-redneck before spitting out a surprisingly large wad of chewing tobacco that ironically landed on the tip of his own shoe. "That is how them nerds will take over the whole doggone world - one dumb, innocent, tradition-bound farm kid at a time! Next thing you know Jethro will want to finish high school, leave the ranch and maybe get a job at the Grange or a company in Spokane or something! How are we ever going to maintain our archaic way of life if the very social bonds that keep our 'young `uns' hog-tied to the land are laid bare and the 'outside world' is shamelessly promoted by some guy that knows how to use a dadburn scientific calculator, for crying out loud! That is just wrong!" he screamed before succumbing to a coughing fit caused by inhaling too much grain dust during the last harvest season. "Maybe me and 'the boys' need to go have ourselves a chat with that nerd! Sometimes a man has to take matters into his own hands for the good of society, for Pete's sake!"

For his part, the nerd's family moved to Lamont to 'enjoy the peaceful life' and have high hopes for their only son (isn't one enough!). "Well, we are very proud of Thurston" said his beaming mother. (The nerd also goes by the loving nickname 'Copernicus' of all things - whatever that signifies!) "His father and I are very happy that he is able to branch out in regard to his collection of friends and those interpersonal experiences with people so radically different from himself will really help him when he goes to college and is required to interact with people from cultures from across the globe. And we like that Jethro boy. He is kind of quiet and socially awkward but seems like a really nice kid. I just wish he would not wear those awful 'wife beater' shirts so often. (that's all he owns!) Maybe I'll buy him a nice flannel shirt or something for his birthday. I wonder if he would wear it?" said the sweet woman before going back inside to begin preparing a well-balanced dinner (that means there will actually be vegetables on the table - which in-and-of itself is a major social 'faux pas' in these parts!) before her husband gets home from his high-tech job in Spokane where math, quite suspiciously, is used on a regular (if not daily!) basis.

"Fancy-Pants, Socially-Sophisticated, Know-It-All" New Guy Buys 'Old Blat Farm' - Area Residents Brace For Influx Of "New Ideas"

The Lamont 'Greater Metropolitan Area', never known for being 'early adopters' in many aspects of modern human existence, was thrown into 'a twitter' after the "Old Blat Spread" was sold to some 'newcomer' who, by his very nature, is destined to bring in any number of 'high-fluting' (that means 'modern' and thus quite unnecessary!) ideas that are sure to upset the time tested patterns that have served the Lamont area so well since time immemorial. "Oh, that is all we need now!" lamented Goober Snopes, voted "Hunter/Gatherer of the Year" four years in a row! "Just when I got the notion that things have finally settled down after that whole 'irrigation vs rain god prayers ' debacle and the great 'plow vs stone hand-shovel' debate' (Oh, please don't even mention the advantages of the 'bow and arrow' over the throwing spear to him! Oh, please don't go there! We will end up being stuck here for hours!), along comes this obviously advanced species of farmer/rancher (who just might catch the eye of the ladies, and who needs that kind of competition, for Pete's sake!) who is likely to go introducing who knows what kind of farming devilry (that is code for new farming tools and techniques!) and new ideas (pronounced 'idears") on how we should conduct ourselves as a Town!" he fumed. "I just don't understand what is wrong with those tired and well-worn 'hunter/gatherer' ways that served my pappy so well and his pappy before him and all the way back to the time the entire Town descended from Cain after that whole unfortunate 'Abel Incident' any number of years ago. (Sadly, after Goober's grandfather, the specifics of the paternal line become more than a little murky - although that purported scandal is outside the scope of this highly-focused, sociology-centric article!) We don't want no change 'round here, dadburn it! Can't the world just leave us alone as we eek out a shockingly substandard living 'the old way'?" said Goober while kicking his homemade deerskin sandal in the dirt that he still turns over by hand every year since everyone knows that even a horse-drawn plow is the work of the 'devil' himself. "Next thing you know someone will want to start paving, improving 'this-or-that' and maybe even painting a building or two! (yes, that would be controversial, indeed!) We just can't stand for that sort of modern 'mumbo-jumbo' in these parts! he bellowed. "I don't care what no one says, my flint ax is just as good as any of them steel axes you can buy - and I get to knap my own tools right at home as the wife grinds out our corn (on her knees in the dirt under a blazing sun!) on that perfectly good grinding stone I found for her, thus saving me trips to that 'big city' where I might be exposed to who knows what kind of new-fangled ideas (yes, he pronounced it 'idears' AGAIN!) or what not!" he stammered huffily. "Those socially-sophisticated know-it-alls should just stay where they belong in those huge towns like Tekoa and Colfax where other people appreciate their 'big city ways'!!!" he sniveled insanely.

"Well, as we all know, Lamont is not one of those towns that adapts well to change - and nothing spooks the heck out of area folk more than having someone overturn the apple cart of long self-serving tradition and seemingly insane practices that went out of fashion several millennia before the early bronze age!" said the Mayor while rubbing two sticks together for a fire. "Let's just say that the concept of anything new just scares the 'be-jeebers' out of a lot of people and makes them feel inadequate and threatened. On a positive note, although no one within a 10 mile radius knows how to build a single thing, (some societal activities can become forgotten thru lack of use) Lamont is regionally famous for fixing just about anything - with a special emphasis on 'patching the previous patch!' - a skill that appears to be highly developed only in isolated sub-cultures often dominated by social introverts and unbelievable cheapskates! Anyway! I have not met that 'new farmer' guy yet, but I for one will gladly embrace someone with some new ideas rattling around in their outrageously shaggy head. I just hope the existing citizens/farmers don't put the 'Corn Curse' on him or somehow try some other mischief on him before he has a chance to settle in good and proper. Change can indeed be traumatic, especially in Lamont, but that isn't a reason to go getting all 'pagan' and 'devilish' on a person just because they might be more in tune with the 'so-called' modern times than we are. Lamont should be big enough for the 'stubborn, Luddite-like laggards' and the people with some new ideas too! Nothing in this world remains in a vacuum, regardless of how hard the 'old timers' try to make it so! (that just ain't natural!) Can't we all just get along and move out of the dark ages?" he concluded naively while looking over his shoulder to see if someone left another one of those all-too-common "Corn Curse' scarecrows in his own doggone yard (The mayor has quite a collection at this point - one worthy of the Smithsonian!), as seems to be the pattern every couple of weeks or so, for Pete's sake!

Nation's Capitol Has Rare Moment Of Sanity After Lamont Town Picture Is Splashed All Over "Newspaper of Record"!

An eerie calm descended over the somewhat turbulent and discombobulated nation's capitol after millions of readers were able to transport themselves across the continent and back in time after one of the Lamont Blog's so-called competitors (if you call that competition! HA!), the Washington Post, ran a decidedly calming and almost supernaturally soothing picture of the Lamont Town sign with the world famous "Lamont Grain Growers" in the background. The picture, taken by one of the rare lawyers in DC with an obvious abundance of common sense (not to mention good taste!), in addition to taking the edge off of the nation's burdens of obviously under-appreciated global leadership, also highlighted Lamont's unique census tally methodology. "Well, I had every intention of invading Canada that day, but after seeing that very relaxing and calming photo of one of the most under-appreciated towns in North America, I decided to "give peace a chance'! said an unnamed 4-Star General from some secret bunker under the Pentagon. "If it wasn't for kicking tail on unsuspecting countries that don't pay the proper respect to the 'Stars and Stripes', I would be pretty much out of a job!" he said while chomping on one of the soggiest cigar stubs in the history of the American Armed Forces. "But once that picture of Lamont sufficiently blunted my warrior instincts, I began to see that Canada has a lot more in common with us than say - France or Belgium. So, maybe after lunch I'll redirect my obviously abundant energies in that direction. Who knows? Any country that eats snails needs a good boot to the pants as far as I am concerned! Right now all I want to do is put my feet on my desk, (made from the wood from some captured Japanese aircraft carrier or something) close my eyes and 'smell the manure', as they say. Looking at the Town of Lamont is a lot better than that 'anger management' therapist I have been seeing - and a lot cheaper for the taxpayers, too! Thank goodness that this great nation still has towns like Lamont! That really gives me something I feel good about defending!" (certainly as compared to those other 'neighboring small towns' that the Lamont Blog could mention - namely in Lincoln and Adams County!) said the now-pacified general while gazing lovingly at an overly large framed painting of Napoleon himself!

"What? We were in the paper?" said the Mayor with that all-too familiar look of ox-like confusion. "In Washington DC?" I just hope that no one from the IRS saw it! Or one of those organizations that like to do audits because 'they are fun!" That would be cool, however, if some 'big shot' from the USDA-RD or whatever happened across it and was so calmed and soothed that they called a special meeting or something to see how they could funnel monies into the second smallest Town in a relatively lightly populated State! You know, maybe one of those huge bureaucracies can give Lamont a grant so that we can put in a bathroom in the Town Hall or whatever! That would be sweet! Stranger things have happened, especially in the ever-crazy Town of Lamont!" said the humble public servant well known throughout the Palouse for having one of the most limited bladder capacities on record! "Anyway! As long as stories about Lamont do not somehow involve Law Enforcement, then I am happy, I guess!"

(Editorial Note: Although the Lamont Blog and the Washington Post have been bitter competitors for years, we would like to thank them for grasping the needs of this great nation and giving the entire country hope by so prominently featuring the small yet scrappy Town of Lamont! Maybe we can bury the hatchet after all - and the Lamont Blog can drop their plans for that 'hostile takeover' of one of the country's most prestigious newspapers since, at least for now, they seem to be making at least an honest effort at reporting the 'important news', for Pete's sake!)

Area "Little Sister" Drives Long-Suffering Older Sister "To Brink Of Hysteria" During Festive Holiday Gathering (Another Shockingly True Lamont Tale!)

In a shockingly brazen violation of almost every known aspect of the time-tested 'sacred bond of sisterhood' itself, an area woman, Erika X (not her real name), unleashed a 'Pandora's Box' of irrational fears and foolish phobias on her unsuspecting and naively trusting older sister when Erika, quite wickedly, placed approximately ten (10) crickets inside a seemingly innocuous Christmas present (filled with stained glass pieces or something!) and made sure everyone had the cameras at the ready when the "Trojan Horse-like' gift was finally opened by the excited and glowing (let's don't forget 'forgiving'!) older sister on that fateful Christmas morning, 2009. The unfortunate crickets, just minding their own business in a local pet store or something as they passed their seemingly uneventful lives waiting to be eaten by some creepy loner guy's snake or lizard or whatever, were a convenient and handy "winter substitute' for the real source of the older sister's persistent and near-paralyzing neurotic obsession - the common, everyday grasshopper (Oh man! Grasshoppers? That really is nuts! We at the Lamont Blog have to side with the younger sister on the basis of this fact alone!) - a supposedly harmless plant-eater that has instilled fear into the older sister since she was - well - 'knee high to a grasshopper'. (you can't make this stuff up, folks!)

"Well, my sister was and is a number of years older than I am, which used to bother me when I was a kid but now is a source of continual joy and happiness for me as I feel obligated to remind her of this fact on an almost weekly basis now" said the loving younger sister, Erika, age 30-something. "Well, you know the whole story - the bossy older sister who was allowed to date (sadly, mainly with complete and total losers!!) and was able to drive and wear make-up and all of that. So, being young and without the usual bonds of restraint that make family life somewhat tolerable and that normally helps to hinder and oftentimes even prevent actual bloodshed, I felt like she was too big for her britches and I decided to take her down a peg or two. (A peg or two? Good gravy! I shudder to even think of three pegs, for Pete's sake!) (Mental note to self: I need to be nicer to my sisters!) Knowing of her irrational fear of grasshoppers, I whiled away about a week of my largely misspent youth and gathered every one of the critters I could find in anticipation of the perfect 'moment of opportunity" she said excitedly! "Well, it was after her first real date with a guy whose knuckles didn't actually drag on the ground - and she got home a little late - just as happy as Cinderella or whatever. Needless to say she was totally sacked out at 6:00 AM sharp when I sneaked into her room in classic 'commando-like fashion', unloaded a surprisingly full coffee can of the writhing, multi-hued grasshoppers (who would have guessed there were so many kinds of grasshoppers in Eastern Washington! What bio-diversity!) under her blanket and made my way out into the hallway literally panting with anticipation" said the smiling sadistic sibling. "Before I could even get to the 'third Mississippi' there proceeded forth a blood-curdling scream of such epic proportions that it would have even made Dracula blush, and out comes my sufficiently humbled older sister, batting at her hair like it was on fire or something. Talk about GREAT!!! What perfection! Sadly, rather than continue down the hall and into the front yard where the neighbors could finally witness what I had to put up with on a daily basis, she paused just long enough to latch her talon-like claws on my still-tender neck and began to shake me like a rag doll. She always was one for overly dramatic displays of emotionalism!" she said disgustedly. "Anyway, once my poor mother was finally able to pry the 'she-devil' off of my loudly protesting windpipe and restore order, I knew right then that this wasn't over. Oh no!" she chuckled evilly - almost 25 years later! (What willpower!) "All good things come to those who wait!" she concluded gleefully before bellowing out an amazingly authentic BRUUUHAHAHAHA last heard (with that degree of heart-felt gusto and verve!) in the 1932 version of the hit movie 'Frankenstein'.

(Editorial Note: The staff at the Lamont Blog appreciates a good prank as much as the next largely disreputable small town news organ, but this seems to have taken shockingly sadistic sibling rivalry to a level that even we cannot endorse - although there is $20 bucks in there for anyone who happened to catch either episode on video tape!!)

Town Boldly Enters 19th Century With "Next Generation Of Restroom Technology" For Lamont Town Hall

In a bold move to dramatically increase the Lamont Town Hall experience for our various employees (okay, we only have one part-timer, doggone it!) and primitive architecture buffs alike, the ever resourceful yet obviously modest Town of Lamont displayed their latest solution to the age old problem of having Town fathers who would build a building designed to last 60+ years but not include a bathroom because they were too darn cheap! (They should be flogged! Flogged, I SAY!!!) The latest innovation, designed to overcome an unfortunate yet persistent situation that impacts every human on planet Earth, (especially those in the coffee friendly nations of the world!) - most cleverly integrates a spare closet, a sign that somehow 'accidentally' fell off a bathroom door in Spokane and contrary to the very laws of physics somehow 'found its own way' into the trunk of the Mayor's car in the murky, moonless darkness (It was awfully windy that day! It really was! Whew, the wind! Never seen the like!) - and, most amazingly, a genuine (pronounced "gen-u-wine") Japanese chamber pot once used as a really ugly ashtray in a biker bar or something and purchased for the somewhat inflated price of $4.00 (after rejecting the much more reasonable offer of $3.50 at least 10 times, the no good wretches!) at an area antique shop. (more like 'Den of Thieves'!)

"Well, Lamont has always been known as a Town well ahead of our own time, at least in our own minds - such as they are, so bringing actual restroom facilities to the Town Hall is just about as exciting as it gets around here!" stammered the Mayor who oftentimes goes by the very hip and modern-sounding rapper-like initials "B.B.". (Don't be fooled! It stands for 'baby bladder'!). "You just don't know what a relief it is to be able to drink coffee again! Sure, small town government is so fast-paced and exciting a person really doesn't need coffee - I mean, who could dream of a better, more exciting, lavishly appreciated, ultimately rewarding job than being a small town mayor - but a nice cup of coffee every now and again is just like a cherry on top of some huge ice cream thing or whatever" he said, losing track of a seemingly poorly chosen and ill-fitting analogy. "If I had a dollar for every time I fantasized about stomping 'the tar' out of whoever would build a long-term strategic asset and not put in a dadburn restroom, I would be able to make that trip to Dollywood I have been dreaming about. But now that we have 'modern facilities' a lot of that long simmering resentment and anger can hopefully begin to fade away! (Not likely! Some wounds are just too deep to ever heal!) Sure, Towns like Lamont only get to be the way that Lamont was just a few short years back if there was a dominant culture of all encompassing, mind-boggling, near-paralyzing inertia and a startlingly complete and total lack of detail orientation and forethought like was manifestly demonstrated by the almost unbelievable bathroom-less Lamont Town building - (darn their eyes, the no good cheapskates!) but someone has to put a stop to the blatant insanity at some point and that, I feel, is what we have tried to do here! I am just so tickled pink!!! (he almost said 'tinkled'! Talk about a one track mind!)" gushed the Mayor who no longer has to pace back and forth like a caged lion before struggling home every half hour or so (oftentimes having to resort to dragging one leg thru the snow with a ghoulish grimace of pained restraint on his pinched-up face!) to 'check on the cats!' or whatever lame excuse he comes up with that day! (Like we don't know!) "Sure, we have a planning grant now (thank you CDBG, Dept of Commerce and Century West Engineering!) to bring modern facilities to Lamont, but that will take some time to get thru the planning and until construction is complete (assuming we get funding!), so some interim step just seemed appropriate, especially since it can drop to right around twenty degrees below zero in January in the Palouse and I was never very fond of being forced to 'sing soprano' out behind the fire truck when the north wind was howling like a banshee!" he said, realizing that he should have stopped talking several long minutes ago and wishing he could take that last sentence back or somehow make excuses to minimize his obviously crystal clear description of previous 'less-than-socially-acceptable' activities! (Desperate times require desperate measures, doggone it!!!)

(Editorial Note: Special thanks goes to a person (referenced at the Lamont Blog before!) who came up with this 'interim solution' in the first place but asked not to be named for some strange reason. (chicken!) We do, however, appreciate her (yes, it is a her!) creative problem solving skills (on any number of levels!) and that is why we like to employ her services from time to time to help us overcome a problem set that can only be found in the shockingly archaic yet so sweetly humble Town of Lamont! Plus, the firetruck part was made up for dramatic effect! Really, it was! How could you even think otherwise? The nerve!)

Pitiless Parrot Prank Causes Christmas Dinner Disaster (Based on a true story!)

In a sordid tale of animal intrigue and cunning too frightening and unreal to contemplate for long without descending into madness, an area parrot successfully sabotaged a festive extended-family gathering by shamelessly (although quite amazingly!) imitating the oven timer and thus causing the 21 pound holiday bird to be removed from the oven more than an hour early, thus spoiling the dinner showpiece and causing a run on the mashed potatoes and dinner rolls since undercooked turkey, as it turned out, is only truly appreciated by the family dog. "Well, you know how the holidays are! Everyone is a nervous wreck getting this done and that done" said the avid yet frazzled animal lover. "So, when I trusted the fickle whims of technology and set the oven timer on 6 hours, I never even gave a thought to the idea that I needed to be suspicious when the oven timer went off! I mean, can't we put our trust in anything at this point? And as for that doggone parrot, it is bad enough when he imitates those unfortunate noises (obviously more socially appropriate for the barnyard than the ballroom!) my brother-in-law all-too frequently makes (the man is indeed a phenomenon!) - and to provide that decidedly unwelcome mimicry almost without fail when our poor preacher comes over for coffee - but who would have guessed that they would use their 'other worldly' imitation skills to influence and shape (the word 'steer' might be appropriate here but one doesn't want to confuse animal groups at this critical conversational juncture!) our dietary preferences in such a purposeful and self-serving way? And who would have guessed long-nurtured and inherently ingrained bird loyalty would run so deep in - well - a bird?! I mean, just think of the forethought and pure evil genius of imitating the oven timer bell to ruin a turkey dinner - all to satisfy some animal-centric agenda based on some murky 'code of honor' completely outside the cultural grasp of the much touted 'homo sapiens'!"

"On some level I am furious with that whole tragic series of events, but that fury is tinged somewhat with admiration and maybe even a touch of fear, too. It is just a shame that my mother-in-law was there. Now I will have to hear about this for years - decades even! Heck, if she has her way, it will be on my tombstone! I am still trying to live down that tiny piece of eggshell in an omelet I made in 1982!" she lamented! "Plus, now I know that I have to keep my eye on that doggone dog and that stupid parrot. I just can't help but feel that they were somehow in on this together - like some peanuts-for-turkey 'quid pro quo' or something! I have noticed that they have been spending a lot of time together since Thanksgiving! But surely they can't be co-conspirators in this, can they? But maybe that explains all of those slobber covered peanuts I have found around the birdcage. That whole relationship deserves further scrutiny, indeed!" she said wearily. "Anyway, I never really thought about it, but I guess it was a little insensitive of me to cook a turkey every year in a house full of parrots! That was just wrong! Next year we are having ham! Ham and maybe a beef roast or something. Now if I could just get that meddlesome parrot to quit imitating the ringing of the phone every 5 minutes I might be able to wind down from the stress-filled holiday season!"

(Editorial note: The parrot's ability to mimic sounds is amazing to the point that they can create sounds that appear to the human ear to be "more real' than the actual sounds themselves. Why they choose to make certain sounds at certain times remains a mystery (at least to the humble Lamont Blog!), but given the chaos-inducing nature of their quite considerable efforts, one must assume that there is a greater, more over-arching intelligence at work here - one whose motives we fail to understand at our own peril!)

Tensions Mount After Smug Area Cat Smacks Unsuspecting Neighbor Cat "Upside The Head" In "Crime Of Opportunity"

An atmosphere of uneasiness descended like an ominous storm cloud upon the 2nd smallest Town in the State after an area tomcat, known simply as "Thor", reached down and thumped a seemingly innocent neighbor cat 2-3 times (in less than a dadburn second, for Pete's sake!) on the exposed forehead after it inadvertently walked too close to the bench where the recalcitrant tomcat was lounging in what passes for sunshine in January in the Palouse. Thor, a gray and white rabble rouser, although feigning sleep, was able to reach out and assault the surprised visiting cat that was just apparently 'passing thru' to see what the heck was going on 'over yonder' - and was caught completely by surprise by the paw-like blur that appeared to "come out of nowhere" - thus unsettling what was otherwise a very warm and peaceful winter day in the Palouse.

"Well, I was minding my own business, pretending to take out the trash for the third time that day and I saw the whole doggone thing!" said Thelma Bodine, 56, an area farm wife/busybody. "I was checking to see if any of my neighbors had anything new in their yards or if they had bothered to finally take down the Christmas lights yet when I happened to see that more-than-slightly obese gray cat just lounging to beat all I ever seen on that bench in the neighbor's backyard (that nice new bench, by rights, should have been taken out of the weather last fall, for goodness sake! But nooo! Everyone is too busy for basic preventive maintenance in this Town!) when all of a sudden that sweet neighbor cat, apparently ignorant of her impending peril, walked right under the bench and into the buzz saw that is Thor's paw. It was all very sudden and unsettling! The neighbor cat never knew what hit her. She just looked up in stunned horror and ran at full speed back to her own yard. And for his part, Thor never even bothered to move more than the offending paw. That cat is one cool customer, let me tell you!" she said respectfully while nervously kneading her tattered and well-worn kitchen apron in anticipation of another potential ruckus.

Although accounts tend to differ somewhat, it would seem that no claws were in fact used and thus no actual injuries were reported. (other than bruised feline pride at falling prey to such a well-crafted although seemingly obvious ambush, doggone it!) (hindsight is indeed 20-20!) The much-loved tomcat, Thor, an indoor/outdoor cat of some renown, claims that he just responded 'out of instinct' when seeing something furry go bobbing by and that there was no actual malice or ill-intent in his apparently random actions - although the victim reports a surprisingly long series of 'altercations' - most of which appear to be minor in nature although several reportedly involved getting chased up an area tree. Although no legal action has been taken as of this writing, both cats have been encouraged to stay 50+ feet from each other and have agreed not to go to the bathroom in each other's backyard for a period of 30 days.

Mayor's Economic Development Plan 'Shot Down In Flames' By Cantankerous And Dismissive Lamont Town Council

In what amounts to a cold, gloved slap on both turned cheeks (and a swift, booted kick to the other two!), the Lamont Town Council less-than politely said "No Thank Ye" when the Mayor presented his quite elaborate plan to revitalize Lamont's economy during these challenging financial times. The Mayor's plan, long in the works and chocked full of marketing gimmicks and "bells and whistles", took months to develop and its less than subtle rejection represents a major setback for the only guy dumb enough to run for Mayor in the 2nd smallest Town in the State.

"Well, I cannot and do not speak for the whole Council, and no one is more sensitive to the economic well-being of our beloved Town than I am, but I just don't see how turning the Town of Lamont into an actual leper colony can really help us long-term" said an unnamed Councilperson. "I mean, at some point this recession will be over and we are struggling to keep our population up as it is. It just doesn't make sense to put forth all that effort to bring in citizens with - well - you know - a potentially less than normal lifespan. Sure, some might feel that encouraging any group with a frighteningly contagious disease is a less-than solid idea, I just don't happen to share those same concerns, however. One never knows what modern medicine or a few good rabbis can accomplish these days, but I just so happen to feel that if we are going to make Lamont a tourist destination for some hideous disease or horrific plague or whatever, it just makes more sense to work in a more "tropical theme" - you know - maybe Beriberi or Amazonian Spotted Fever or one of those new strains of malaria or whatever - you know - a life crippling and sociologically devastating disease from someplace warm and festive to counteract Lamont's reputation for being a nightmarishly frigid winter hell for 5+ months of the year. If the Vikings could name that frozen chunk of waste ice between North America and Iceland "Greenland" and have people actually move there, then surely Lamont should be able to capitalize on a tropical theme for our humble quarantine colony, too!" he said sagely. "I mean, come on! The Vikings were mere barbarians - so if they could pull it off, certainly we should be able to, too! And there are just so many fun tropical diseases to choose from that require confinement in a restrictive colony setting. I just can't help but feel that leprosy is just not a very imaginative scourge - given the challenges we face economically" he concluded. "We could do better!"

"Well, that is representative democracy at work, I guess" said the downtrodden and emotionally devastated Mayor. "Being so small and not on a major highway and having basically no business infrastructure whatsoever puts Lamont at somewhat of a disadvantage to those bigger, disease-friendly towns - thus forcing me and my crack economic team (Bubba Bodine and Skeeter Snopes, for Pete's sake!) to "think outside the box". Although this very workable plan was rather-too-quickly slid onto the bottom of the Town's proverbial birdcage, if you will, we are already working on our 'Plan B' - a half-way house for the criminally insane! They have to be housed somewhere, don't they - and as my pappy used to say, 'No one ever went broke giving people a place to live!' But in order to get it past that doggone council, I am just wondering if the tropics and the equatorial region have a surplus of homicidal maniacs and crazed sociopaths on work release so we could get our economic boost while the council gets that whole 'tropical theme thing'. This is when small town negotiations can get a little Machiavellian. But we need to do something, don't we? If we don't, we could very easily become the 'SMALLEST' doggone town in the State - and no one wants that!" he shuddered. "Sitting on one's hands never got anything done either, now did it?!" he said annoyingly.

(Editorial Note: This article highlights the challenges faced by small towns that have limited resources to stimulate growth during hard economic times and any reference to unfortunate yet very real human diseases was purely for dramatic effect to show how limited those town-centered options really are and should not be taken in any other way. Our prayers go out to all individuals afflicted with tragic conditions outside of their control - and prayer seems to be the only logical choice now for this troubled, wayward world!)

Woefully Ignorant/Unenlightened Local Husband Fails To See Sparkling Clarity/Profound Wisdom Of Wife's Latest Hair-Brained Scheme

In a continuation of an age-old battle that has raged across this planet since that whole unfortunate "Apple Incident" in the Garden of Eden all those years ago, a local couple, Jethro and Mabel Bodine, both aged 62, have reached a conversational and relationship impasse after Jethro failed to grasp the obvious merits of mortgaging their ranch and investing those funds to create a chinchilla farm for fun and profit. "Well, I love my wife, but sometimes she just ain't right in the head!" said Jethro while taking aspirin with his coffee to help blunt the back pain caused by sleeping on the couch for the last week. "First off, no one with a lick of sense even knows what a chinchilla is - I mean is it like a mink or a ferret or what? Second, I know my wife, and there is no way she would ever agree to turn the unfortunate critters into coats or scarves or whatever once we got them here and poured our hard earned money into feeding the ungrateful wretches. So, we would end up with the world's most expensive petting zoo - and if my instincts are right, them chinchillas, in spite of that sweet sounding name, ain't the type of animal that wants a bunch of ill-mannered kids running up to them and rubbing chocolate encrusted fingers all over their fir or whatever. I just don't understand why she can't sell Amway!! It always has to be something with her. Chinchillas? (or to use their common, far more easily recognized Latin designation, 'Chinchilla Lanigera'!) I mean, come on! They don't even sound American!" he fumed.

"Well, let's just say that my husband has never been the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree!" said the determined and obviously resourceful Mabel from behind her locked bedroom door. "Men are all the same! Their brains are wired in such a way that they have to see everything as linear and logical and all of that. The sad part is, they miss such a huge part of the 'human experience' by not embracing outrageous emotionalism and by not partaking in ill-conceived whims of fancy that provide so much satisfaction in this otherwise drab and unsatisfying world" she said stoically. "Why does everything have to make sense? Why does every cause have to have a corresponding effect? What is wrong with rolling the 'Dice of Life' just for the heck of it, and letting the chips fall where they may? (Danger - cliche overload!) Does everything have to be so doggone predictable? I mean, I love him and all, but he tends to run to the unexciting and mundane, sometimes. I just wish he would let his hair down from time to time!" (Editorial Note: Oh, that was a low blow. As everyone knows, Jethro could be considered the 'poster boy' for 'patterned baldness' and is highly sensitive about his ever-expanding forehead! We at the Lamont Blog do not support gratuitous slams of any kind, especially those focused on middle-age related male hair loss!)

Sadly, this family conflict seems to have mushroomed across the Palouse and has galvanized all of the Bodine friends and acquaintances along starkly defined gender lines - with the respective husbands and wives drawing quite unnecessary 'lines in the sand' as the 'battle of the sexes' takes on even more ominous proportions in the 2nd smallest town in the State and beyond! For their part, the chinchillas, in order to bring peace and harmony to a potentially explosive situation, are offering a much-needed 'middle path' and are lobbying to be returned to the wild mountain recesses of the Andes of South America where they can nibble on seeds, roots, bark, bulbs and grasses (with the occasional insect thrown in!) and mind their own business and let those doggone humans pick some other animal to pester each other with.

Lamont Still Without Any Real Suspects After Spree of 'Dastardly Deeds' Grips State's 2nd Smallest Town

Although not unprecedented by any stretch, the entire Town of Lamont was thrown into confusion and befuddlement after an amazingly outlandish series of 'deeds most foul' were committed right under the very noses of a citizenry not renowned for minding their own business - at least as it pertains to the 'goings-on' with their neighbors. "Well, I don't know what the heck is going on!" (oh, like that is big news!) said the stunned and confused Mayor with mouth hanging agape! "That is the third damsel this week that we have found tied up and laid across the dadburn railroad tracks, for Pete's sake! And what about that big anvil that was poised right on the edge of that lonely mesa we have - just waiting to drop on someone's unsuspecting head? Or that 'Free Gold' sign with a big arrow pointing to that old, abandoned, highly dangerous mine with the rotten floor just outside the Town limits" (sadly, that goldmine ruse turned out to be shockingly effective! Well, the anvil one was very successful too! Dang it all! When will this madness stop?) mumbled the Mayor while giving everyone in the room the condemning eye of assumed guilt. "I mean, there are only 100 people in this town on a good day and, unfortunately, we are familiar with pretty much all of them - so we feel fairly certain that it has to be an outside job - otherwise we would surely have at least a suspect or two. I mean our criminals just ain't that smart - and we are obviously dealing with some sort of criminal mastermind or evil genius or whatever here! We are in a whole new ballpark with this one! I remember that time (back in the good old days when life was simpler!) when one of our under achieving and criminally-inclined citizens broke into the fire station (after planning it with his mother!) and made his heroic 'get-away' on the doggone town lawn mower! Sadly, all we had was a push mower at the time - and it wasn't even self-propelled! That just ain't too bright! But as it stands now, none of the 'usual suspects' seems to fit the 'criminal mastermind' profile - whatever the heck that is!" he said with that all too familiar look of profound bafflement and perplexity.

"But then again, the stupid railroad pulled out of Lamont back in the late 1970's (which caused the economic downturn and thus allowed the none-too-smart criminals (in bell bottoms and leisure suits!) to come pouring into Lamont like thirsty locusts to a melon patch!) so that does add credence to the idea that it was not an inside job - I mean, you would think that people from around here would know that sort of thing and would not leave a tied up damsel in distress completely out of harm's way on railroad tracks not used since Jimmy Carter darn near ruined this great nation with his pro-peanut agenda, wouldn't you? I ain't so sure, now that I think about it! Oh, what a mystery stalks the very foundation of our already battered and bruised collective souls!" he said with a level of melodrama and overacting not seen since the last Tom Cruise movie! "At this point, we can take nothing for granted! And by definition, if you are going to tie someone up, don't you have to be able to make a knot? And like I said, our criminals just ain't that sophisticated, thank goodness! I remember just last year that Snopes kid got caught siphoning gasoline out of his OWN car, for Pete's sake - and then pleaded guilty and threw himself on the mercy of the court, too!! But the doggone Town of Lamont was sure enough lacking in damsels in the first place and if they all get kidnapped and laid across non-functioning railroad tracks or people have anvils falling on their heads or they get tricked into some old, abandoned gold mine or whatever, pretty soon we WILL be the smallest town in the State! (Gasp!) And that is one thing that I just cannot stand for. No sir!" said the peeved public servant. "A man has to draw the line somewhere, and losing our hard won # 2 status in this State is just a bridge too far for me. You mess with that and you're gonna see a man get mean!" he fumed insanely! "I bet if that doggone Long Beach has any criminals (which is highly doubtful at this point, given their 'squeaky-clean', smarty-pants, too-good-by-half, oh-so civilized, tourist-friendly reputation!) - you can rest assured they ain't the dumb ones! Darn their eyes! Can't we be better than them at just one thing?" he sobbed! "But I can't worry about that now. We have a criminal mastermind on the loose and our list of damsels is getting mighty thin! I got to go catch me a scoundrel of no mean intelligence!" he said while wandering off aimlessly with no seeming pattern or direction whatsoever!

Amazing Anthropological Discovery: Ancient Lamont Town Building Was Indeed Supplied With Running Water, After All!

In a staggering discovery of profound historical and cultural import (but with surprisingly few real world ramifications), the official Town archeologists, after sifting thru the shockingly abundant accumulated strata of the ages, discovered that the Lamont Town Building, contrary to well-established legend and popular myth/lore, does indeed have a lone water spigot under the roof of the existing building that is being used by the Whitman County Fire District # 5. The recently discovered water source, nestled in a corner of what is believed to have once been 'the ambulance bay' and camouflaged inside some old water-tank-looking-thing or whatever, (and buried under numerous haphazardly strewn, as-yet-to-be-identified 'artifacts'!) did indeed, in spite of its antiquity, flow forth with the life enhancing liquid when what appears to be some primitive knob was turned in the proper direction. (yes, even primitive cultures used that whole 'clockwise - counter-clockwise' thing!) "Well, I'll be derned!" said the amazed Mayor upon witnessing the water-fountain-like demonstration from a bygone era. "I have been the Mayor for almost 4 years (thus bringing his sanity and judgment into question in a most profound way!) and ever since I was sworn in I have been told repeatedly by multiple 'town people in the know' that the building always lacked that essential life-giving element that covers over 60% of the planet. (Water is in fact 'a compound' and not 'an element', but basic scientific knowledge was never a prerequisite for the Mayor's position, or so it would seem!) I did find this more than a tad ironic given that the Fire District itself rents that space from us and they, by definition, need to use water; but this is Lamont so those sort of things are to be expected, I guess" he said. "It was only natural to assume that since the ancient building was not built with a bathroom (although rudimentary plumbing was rumored to exist at the time!) that our underachieving and less-than-far-sighted and/or technology challenged 'founding fathers' or 'town builders' or whoever they were failed to put in basic water infrastructure, too. Well, that assumption appears to be wrong; very, very wrong, (this does indeed change the very nature of our assumptions about the largely misunderstood civilization that formed the teetering foundation of the "Modern Lamont!) and I am afraid that all of those textbooks about prehistoric Lamont will now have to be rewritten based on this startling new discovery" he said gravely. "I just have to wonder about what other primary assumptions we have been incorrect on! Oh, it is just so easy to underestimate those shockingly primitive civilizations that came before us! How do we know for certain that an actual ancient bathroom does not in fact exist - maybe tucked behind one of those huge piles of 'bronze age' fire truck tires that seem to be randomly strewn about the place for whatever reason?" (ancient context-specific rituals are indeed often unfathomable, especially in archaic fire worshiping/fighting cultures!) he mused. "Although having a lone spigot in the fire station is in fact a good thing, I guess, I just can't seem to shake the feeling that even more startling discoveries regarding our distant, murky (don't forget disturbing!) past are just right around the corner if we dig deep enough in there. Finding a primitive bathroom would rank right up there with finding King Tut's tomb or the opening of Al Capone's vault or whatever. That would really put Lamont on the map in archeological circles once and for all!" he concluded wearily while inadvertently dislodging an old, rusty (and potentially significant!) sardine can with the toe of his surprisingly scuffed-up and obviously inexpensive/poorly-made shoe.

Mountain-Less Lamont's Name Considerably Less Accurate Than Highly-Descriptive Long Beach, WA

As if things could get any worse in the self-imposed nightmare that is Lamont's irrational competition with the surprisingly humble city of Long Beach, WA; one of the best managed and most beautifully located small communities in the State; the Town of Lamont was rocked back on their heels when some enterprising know-it-all (foreign language nerd!) pointed out the meaning of 'Lamont' in that highly suspect and 'commie-loving' language, French, (does anyone still speak that vanquished tongue?) while the City of Long Beach not only uses good old English but the town name they chose also perfectly describes their geographic peculiarities. "Oh, you have got to be kidding me!" stammered the language-challenged Mayor after looking in an English/French dictionary to be certain that no one was pulling his dadburn leg. "What were our Town Fathers thinking? We are dozens of miles from what might be even remotely called 'a mountain' - and those gently sloping dirt piles that border the Town certainly don't qualify as any self-respecting mountain anyone ever heard tale of! Oh, is every aspect of our historic existence somehow laced with fraud, falsehood and deception? Oh, I just hope that that doggone City of Long Beach doesn't hear about this! Of course that goodie-two-shoes civil incorporation does indeed sport the longest beach in the whole doggone world - darn their eyes! At least Lamont could have a Mount McKinley or maybe even a 'K-2' if they are going to go naming the whole dern town after a thing. Is nothing as it seems to be in the 2nd smallest Town in the State? What other base assumptions, taken for granted for 100 years, will come crashing down around our ears when we least expect it? Sure, naming any town "Gently Sloping Dirt Mound' is not very graceful and does not tend to roll off the tongue, but at least there is a whiff of honesty in that name. And why did they have to pick an attribute so easily disproved like the presence or absence of some huge geological (and thus geographical) manifestation made from solid rock that people can see at a glance from any number of miles away?" he sniveled. "At least when people go to visit that doggone Long Beach, they can look around and say 'Yep, that is a really, really long beach, now let's go get some fresh seafood at a really quaint restaurant' - but when they come to Lamont looking for alpine skiing, exhilarating hang gliding or that totally irrational mountain climbing, all they can do is just wander away feeling cheated and somehow abused and we don't even have a public restroom for their convenience! All I can say is 'darn their eyes' to both our verbally challenged (or down right shifty!) founding fathers and that overly precise, smarty-pants, too-good-by-half (yet appropriately named!) City of Long Beach! Maybe our picking a fight with them was not such a good idea, after all! What the heck was I thinking?" he mumbled while dispiritedly shuffling back to the Town Hall that doesn't even have a bathroom.

(Editorial Note: Any rumors to the effect that Lamont was actually named after the son from the hit TV show "Sanford and Son" are purely speculative and without any known historical merit and/or foundation - given that Lamont was incorporated in 1910 and one of the greatest, most hilarious (yet socially instructive!) TV shows of all time came any number of decades later. This supposed TV-related naming rationale is preferable, however, to the shockingly mind-boggling reality of naming a new town after a mountain that does not in fact exist!)

Local Rancher Scientists/Researchers Discover New Chemical Element - Cowpattium

In a long overdue addition to the annoyingly complicated 'Periodic Table' of chemical elements that form the foundation of the very universe itself, a crack team of local rancher scientists and researchers expanded the very fabric of the known world with their startling discovery of a new element long overlooked by more tradition-bound and 'ivory-towerish' researchers in those fancy research universities spread across the globe. "Well, of course we were as startled as anyone" said Flem Snopes, a local rancher and budding scientist and researcher. "That dern element has been sitting right under our noses this whole time!" he said without even a touch of irony. "I was out on the ranch tending to that doggone bull that somehow learned to jump the fence when I got my feet all tangled up in that dadburn rake that one of my no-good farm hands just left laying around and went face first right into a pile of the as-yet-undefined chemical element" he said. "Well, after brushing myself off and uttering a few less than flattering oaths related to the inherent qualities of farm hands in general, I decided to take the puzzling substance back to the 'lab' in my barn, call up all my rancher buddies and expose the mysterious mess to an exhausting scientific examination with a clinical rigor not seen in the Palouse since that whole 'marshmallow' investigation several decades back" said Snopes. "That is when I knew we had stumbled onto something not previously categorized by those smarty-pants know-it-alls with all them letters after their dern names. And the funny thing is, since our startling discovery, I can't hardly turn around without literally seeing piles of the stuff just laying around the ranch. Its everywhere! How could the whole scientific community have missed it for all those years?" he said. "It was right 'under foot' the whole dern time! Now, if we could just figure out how to harvest its inherent properties and put them to work for us, who knows what benefits it can add to mankind! My fellow ranchers and I are just now on the very cusp of exploring its potential as a new 'hair care' product and/or skin moisturizer/after shave - but we have to expand our basic understanding of and appreciation for its inherent characteristics first! And the only way to do that is to dive right in! But at least it has a distinctive aroma that we are used to (goodness knows their long-suffering wives are!). That sure is a bonus. And if that doggone Obama can win a Nobel Prize for doing almost nothing, surely I should win something for my contribution to the hard sciences. And if there is any reward money, I will have to take the little woman on that long-promised trip to Dollywood, I guess. At least that will get her off my dern back for a change! But I am drawing the line at her mother coming with us. A man can only take so much Cowpattium, for Pete's sake!"

Long Beach Versus Lamont - The Blood Feud Continues! You Decide:

As is so often the case, town rivalries can crop up and get out of hand even in peaceful, environmentally friendly, largely liberal states like the Great State of Washington. Oftentimes, small towns will pick out a bigger, more obviously gifted (geographically, managerially, demographically, etc!), tourist-friendly town to 'get even with' - like a 'little man' will pick out the biggest, most handsome guy in the bar to fight with in order to somehow 'right the scales of Justice' in a seemingly unfair and unfriendly world! Unfortunately, as in real life, more often than not, the little town gets its 'rear end' handed to them and they are expelled from the above referenced establishment with a big black eye and beer on their new shoes. But every so often the little scrapper can get in a lucky (or sneaky!) punch and can saunter off being the victor - only to wake up the next day and still be 5' 3" and 107 lbs soaking wet - but anyway!

In an effort at fairness (and to avoid potential conflict of any kind, given that we are shameless cowards!), the lowly Lamont Blog would like to spell out the various merits of the two (2) incorporated entities and let the obviously well-above average readers of this humble rag decide which of the two locations deserves the laurel wreath of victory in a competition that, on its very face, is just about as foolish and nonsensical as can be imagined (but not to Lamont where stubborn pride still reigns supreme, doggone it!) "Well, first off, we wish Lamont well and feel no need to compete with them at all. In Long Beach, we pride ourselves on that whole 'live and let live' concept. If Lamont wants to be better than Long Beach, that is fine by us - they can have it. There is room enough for both of us in this State. Let's move on as friends, shall we?" said an unnamed (and outrageously gracious!) Long Beach spokesperson with that calm assurance and natural dignity that is sure to send the Town of Lamont into a lathering rage not seen since the movie "Mommy Dearest"! "Oh, so they want to just give it to us, do they? The cheeky effrontery! The outrageous gall! What are they saying - that we can't win it on our own merits? Oh, this is war. WAR, I SAY!!" said the corresponding unnamed Lamont spokesperson from the Mayor's home phone. "Darn their eyes! They ain't giving us anything we can't win fair and square! Just because they have the beautiful ocean and eager tourists and an actual city-wide sewer system (versus septic!) and fancy restaurants and plush hotels and people want to come and visit them and the value of their average home is more than a good used car and they have more actual people than cows does not mean the judges won't choose Lamont!" he bellowed! (thank goodness there is no sobriety test before voting - that is Lamont's 'ace in the hole'!) "Let's let the doggone chips fall where they may!" concluded the Mayor/unnamed spokesperson, who foolishly yet indirectly referred to one of a number of unfortunate cow byproducts which might hurt the Town of Lamont in the eyes of the judges!

The Facts:
Long Beach is gracefully nestled on the largest ocean in the world (named Pacific or Peaceful!) while Lamont is wedged (some would say 'shoe-horned!) up against 'The Scablands' - a hellish wasteland of jagged rocks, alkaline ponds, quicksand bogs and blood-thirsty rattlesnakes.

Long Beach sports the 'Longest incorporated beach in the world' while Lamont has that guy with a ball of string that is almost as big as a basketball (it is very tightly wound, however!)

The Long Beach town logo has pretty kites and sea grass and Lamont's does not! (darn their eyes!)

Long Beach enjoys a year-round cornucopia of fresh seafood drawn right from the clear waters of the Pacific while Lamont is forced to resort to "Rocky Mountain Oysters' once a year - right around 'gelding time!' (okay, that one is not a plus!)

Long Beach has cool whale sightings and neat sea creatures that come washing up and occasionally those awesome Japanese glass floats will wash ashore while Lamont once had a crazed llama from an outlying farm run amok in town after it shamelessly chased the Mayor into a strategically located Porta-Potty! (thank goodness for road construction and Century West Engineering!) (Lingering Question: In a Porta-Potty, can anyone hear you scream?)

"Okay, okay!!! We give. We give, already!!!" whined the Lamont Mayor. "Darn their eyes, but I guess Long Beach is pretty darn cool, after all. Let's let bygones be bygones. No hard feelings, right?" he said while extending the supposed handshake of friendship while trying to get in close for a cheap kidney punch or something! (metaphorically speaking, of course!)

'Social Upstart' Town Of Lamont Embraces 'Latest' Modern Musical Phenomenon

In a bolstering testimony to the argument that social sophistication has no direct relation to population size (or lack thereof!), Lamont, WA, the 2nd smallest Town in the state, stunned the so-called 'cultural elite' by embracing a musical genre deemed to be 'way out of their league' by the fussy, snooty, supposedly refined people that decide those sort of things. Lamont, forever on the cutting edge of the American cultural roller-coaster, took only weeks to throw its full support behind and to fully embrace a way of life known simply as 'Polka'. "Well, when I learned about Lamont's rapid adoption of anything new - let alone a whole new type of music, needless to say, you could have knocked me over with a feather" said Her Ladyship Erma Louise Leadbottom, an area socialite, cultural gate-keeper, general busy-body and unrepentant pretentious snob of the first order. (yes, and she uses the word 'darling' all the time, too!) "Now, I could see Lamont embracing a primitive, hand-made drum or 'tom-tom' or maybe even some crude flute-like instrument made out of a reed or something (Lamont has plenty of those down by the mosquito swamp! See previous articles on Lamont's unique mosquito problem!) - but to have them embrace the richness and beauty of polka - and to do it so quickly does indeed tell me that maybe there is more to Lamont than meets the eye! That just gives me hope for other small towns as they attempt to make the jump to cultural excellence where me and all my friends have dwelt so smugly for years. Its nice to see that people can learn - and when they learn - they want to be more like the self-appointed sophisticated set - of which I am the Queen Bee" she said haughtily. "Sure, polka is just a first step - but it is an important one - and Lamont seems to have embraced it with genuine verve and gusto" she concluded while sipping tea with her pinky sticking out. (with chipped, pearl-colored nail polish hastily applied on the ragged, bitten nail!)

"Well, if ever a Town loved to 'boogie', it's the dadburn Town of Lamont!" said the still-gyrating Mayor while snapping his fingers completely out of rhythm with the music. "People think small towns like Lamont are behind the times socially and culturally, but just the very fact that we so eagerly adopted the latest global music/dance craze, Polka, in a timely fashion, should put this slanderous mischaracterization to rest once and for all!" he said proudly. "Sure, many of the local residents can directly trace their roots back to lowly peasant stock lost somewhere in the snowy wastes of Eastern Europe or Siberia or wherever, so maybe there is a genetic component to music appreciation after all, given that that is where this almost magical modern musical wonder originates from! Who knows! All I know is that I need to get back out there on the dance floor and 'bust another move'... That accordion just brings out the 'Patrick Swayze' in me!" said the lederhosen-clad public servant while shamelessly flexing his shockingly exposed calf muscles for the benefit of the skirt-clad, fluffy-sleeved, big-haired, brightly-colored (not to mention decidedly underwhelmed!) ladies in attendance. (only the unescorted ones, of course!)

(Editorial Note: Sadly, what the Mayor so casually calls "busting a move' is in fact an unsettling mixture of one part traditional ritualized polka dancing and one part indigenous "Rump Shaker" - a disturbing 'so called' dance move unique to the Palouse. Needless to say, this unsettling hybrid is not only disturbing on any number of levels but is also not sanctioned by either the National Polka Association (NPA) or the lowly Town of Lamont. Viewer discretion is advised!)