Lamont Enthusiastically Celebrates William Shakespeare’s “Ides of March” By Collectively Stabbing A Friend In The Back

The Town of Lamont, a majority of which thinks William Shakespeare is some kid named Bill who is shaking a stick with a sharp point on the end of it or whatever, jumped on the ‘literature’ bandwagon when they learned that March 15th, also known as the ‘Ides of March’, was the day way back when when that guy that the ‘Orange Julius’ in the mall was named after got stabbed by some guy with a really sophisticated name – Brutus or something like that, (Compared to Lamont’s most common name ‘Bubba’, Brutus is downright regal sounding!) and decided that would be a culturally adept thing to do to throw off the stigma of being societal and literary laggards or whatever and to imitate that part where Caesar’s friend slips a hay bale knife into his back while they are just talking about the merits of cows or simply shooting the breeze on how bad the town of Lamont is without the hapless, fumbling farmers/ranchers running the place even though the grasping, power-hungry, under-achievers don't even live within the actual town limits and somehow forgetting that that same group already goofed up the doggone situation to an almost unbelievable degree when they did, in fact, run things (so to speak!) just a few short years ago or whatnot. (How did so many of these people end up in such a little place like Lamont? Sheesh!)

“Well, who would have thunk that all them fancy words would represent such fun and interesting things?” said Skeeter Bodine, 56, an area farmer/rancher. “Heck, now that I know that all that fancy book learning can be that much fun, I might actually break down and read one of the dern things before I die. (yeah, right!) And who would have guessed that some guy with a sissy little moustache would be able to capture the very essence of modern life?” he said with a genuine look of amazement. “There ain’t nothing more fun in the world than brazenly betraying a friend or loved one, and if all them brainy books are chocked full of that sort of devilish entertainment, then maybe I need to rethink my insane yet passionate opposition to that fancy new library Lamont is putting in with all that unnecessary indoor plumbing and all that other shameful wastefulness like heat and running water you don't have to pump by hand, I guess!” he concluded thoughtfully while picking at his few remaining teeth with a decidedly disturbingly discolored thumbnail.

(Editorial Note: Come to think of it, the expression "Et tu, Bubber" (how Bubba is pronounced locally) does have sort of a nice ring to it. Ain't it funny how timeless some things are?)