In a troubling case of intellectual property rights that is almost certain to land Lamont in front of the quite understandably disgusted US Supreme Court for the third time in as many years, (On 3 completely different cases, for Pete's sake! What are the chances?) the producers of the hit TV show ’The Dukes of Hazard’, (a mindless story about a bunch of ‘Good Old Boys”, never meaning no harm, who were, as is commonly understood, in trouble with the law from the day they were born or whatever) – anyway, this copyrighted material is subject to the intellectual property statutes of the United States and the producers feel that Lamont and the surrounding area have infringed upon those rights by shamelessly attempting to copy almost every aspect of the show in their normal, routine, civic discourse.“Well, as hard as it is to believe, it would appear that one of the smallest towns in the State of Washington has taken an extraordinary and quite suspect step to mimic and infringe upon one of the most successful (and annoying!!!) hit TV shows of the 1970’s and 1980’s” said Melvin Finklestein, a lawyer for the TV producers. “Now, it would not be surprising to find, thru sheer statistical chance, a town with a small number of overlaps with that TV show - but Lamont seems, in our learned legal opinion, to have crossed that line in a very actionable way. I mean, the TV show had ‘Cooter’ and Lamont has at least 5 ‘Scooters’ (and 3 'Skeeters", for Pete's sake!! Oh, and who knows how many 'Bubbas' - almost half of which are women!!), the show had Boss Hogg and Lamont has that largely mean-spirited and incompetent guy who tries to run everything and belong to every conceivable organization and governmental entity even though he does not even live in the town and his ranch is going to hell in a hand basket! The list just goes on and on. But the kicker involved that small screen icon – Daisy Duke. I think that any reasonable jury would conclude that the sheer number of area women, regardless of age or whatever, who somehow cram themselves into ‘Daisy Duke shorts', (Oh, some things are just so wrong!) regardless of the weather, is a clear violation of our intellectual property rights! And I won’t even mention all of the local grease-covered throw-backs who, in some sad and pathetic attempt (although obviously successful in these parts!) to impress the local females want to drive around in brightly colored gas-guzzlers that went out of style well over 40 years ago. To say that is random chance just stretches the very fibers of credulity, for crying out loud! If the Lamont area, (mostly outside the town) wants to base their whole lives on some fictional TV show set in a mythical Hazard County, GA, that is their business, but we need to be compensated for it, that’s all!” he concluded while brushing off a piece of cow manure from his $400, hand-tooled Gucci loafers.
“Well, sure, the wife, (who he affectionately calls 'Daisy!) especially since she got on the shady side of 40 and went on that all carb diet like some sort of religious zealot or something – anyway, sure, she became overly fond of ‘Daisy Duke shorts’ in all weather conditions and regardless of the social occasion, but who is to say she got that idea from what just happens to be the best dern show in the history of the whole doggone world??” said Goober Festoon, wiping his hands on his grease-covered overalls that probably haven’t been washed since the show was thankfully taken off the air in the mid-1980's. "And yeah, having a yard full of junk cars is kind of ‘Hazard County’, but who in their right mind doesn’t feel rich and successful by having a bunch of rusted hulks in the front yard for the dogs to sleep under? How would the tetanus shot industry stay in business without people like us?” he mused thoughtfully, showing a surprising level of social sensitivity. (And why do bad dogs, bad kids and junk always seem to come together, anyway?) “And yeah, my sons do drive all around this country, giving the ‘Rebel Yell’ (and the middle finger when they ain't feeling too lazy and/or the Sheriff ain't about!) and throwing up gravel when they should be working but that is half the fun of being on welfare in the good old USA! That is what made this country great! This is just one of them lawyer tricks to try to squeeze a few shekels from the backbone of true Americans, if you ask me. And as for that whole Boss Hogg thing, a town like Lamont needs a strong-man in order to stop any 'big city' progress (like flush toilets and using fire hydrants in case of an emergency requiring a whole lot of water in a hurry!!) and allow the place to decline and decay faster than it normally would if left untended! So if he just so happens to put more than a few dollars in his own dadburn pocket by giving his uneducated wife a make-work job with every unfortunate organization he supposedly serves/destroys, what is wrong with that, for Pete’s sake?” he stammered with at least feigned outrage, given that the two men go to the area cow church together and you know how they are. “But now we got that new, smart, college-educated (pronounced ‘ed-U-cated’!!) mayor so it looks like the heady days of Hazard County in Eastern Washington might be coming to an end on their own" he said sadly. "So it don’t make no sense bothering that poor US Supreme Court none, if you ask me!” he concluded before unleashing a huge stream of tobacco juice at an unfortunately curious ground squirrel.
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