The Lamont Blog, a 'Fortune 500' Wall Street powerhouse and vast media empire whose influence and reputation since its founding in 2008 has almost stretched to the Adams County line in Eastern Washington, faced a vast sell-off after industry analysts predicted that Erika, that so-called ‘uber-goddess of efficiency’ from the best engineering firm in the whole darn world, Century West, was “experiencing overall life contentment’ and thus was expected to be ‘too busy’ and ‘doing more important, truly meaningful things’ to produce one of the vital core ingredients that has made the Lamont Blog the media titan that it is, whatever that means, anyway. “The Lamont Blog has dominated the media market in far, far, far Northwest Whitman County, WA with a somewhat 'unique and varied' mix of cutting-edge real-life news articles on topics ranging from unfortunate alien encounters, cows, citizens who refuse to modernize past the year 1700, cows, area church politics, cows, in-depth and disturbingly accurate psychological profiles of area ranchers (not the national ones! Whoa! We have a unique situation out here, people!), and, of course, cows – with a recent Pulitzer Prize winning expose’ on the area fire fighters not wanting to use a simple fire hydrant, if anyone can believe that one, (yes, it does stretch credulity!) but the bedrock and true anchor of their media empire has always been the occasional parrot story and the messes those crazy birds can get themselves into” said Wilber Vanderbilt III, a senior Wall Street Analyst. “And given the tenuous global economy and the fact that improved social and economic conditions have necessitated that the world’s primary source of parrot trivia, a certain Erika, is now primarily focused on her nice family, her cutting edge job with an engineering powerhouse, hob-nobbing with 'the beautiful people', and, of course, managing her quite successful regional ‘parrot rescue’ program, so the Lamont Blog is basically left high and dry to twist in the wind!” said analyst Vanderbilt from his fancy-pants New York City office. “A shortage of parrot related stories and/or the raw materials that compose them has always been the Lamont Blog’s strategic ‘Achilles Heel’, and we had no choice but to downgrade the Lamont Blog stock evaluation after Erika released a somewhat terse statement saying she was ‘just too busy now-a-days’ and that she ‘just didn’t have time to share stories that no one ever reads!”.
Shares of the Lamont Blog (NYSE: Lablog) traded sharply lower at the opening bell, trading at $62.47, down from their yearly high of $146.21 achieved earlier this year when a boxing kangaroo beat the tar out of the whole darn town and the Lamont Blog had a basic monopoly on that outrageous undertaking. “I just don’t see how the Lamont Blog can recover from this level of international parrot-related insecurity, not in today’s over-crowded Blog environment and with the dollar in the shape that it is in!” said Vanderbilt. “The sun might be setting on the Lamont Blog after all, thanks to that obviously industrious Erika having a happy, fun-filled, rewarding, rich life where she cannot be bothered with industry ‘show-stoppers’ like a somewhat steady stream of parrot lore - like that time the dern bird of hers imitated the oven timer at a family gathering, ruining the Christmas turkey as some sort of greater avian social protest or like when that parrot she adopted decided to raise a whole doggone litter of abandoned kittens, just to show that the species doesn’t carry a grudge!!” The Lamont Blog did not return phone calls for this article, presumably because they are sniveling about the unfairness of it all and/or because they are fixing up their house so they can move to New Mexico, should the weather ever remain good enough to actually finish up all that ‘outside stuff’.
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