In a determined measure to curb the decidedly scatological and cantankerous energies of the area citizenry who seem hell-bent on getting into a snit for any dern reason whatsoever, an area Mayor, using a largely unknown clause in the now famous Homeland Security Act designed to deter terrorism and other acts of human foolishness, banned all coffee that packs a punch in a 20 mile radius of the Town, late Tuesday. This draconian measure, which even extends to Folgers brand coffee, a watery coffee blend with only the slightest hint of actual coffee flavor and aroma (and thus a big favorite around here!), has civil rights groups and donut eaters all up in arms for miles around, thus making them even more inclined to cause a 'redneck-like' ruckus at the drop of a hat, for Pete's sake!"Well, Lamont is a powder keg at the best of times, but you get people from the outlying areas come traipsing in here when they have had too much time on their hands and combine those unholy energies with that serpent's tooth-like venom of the dreaded coffee bean and you have all the makings for the doggone 'Jerry Springer Show', for crying out loud!" said the perky elected official who somehow ended up as the mayor of a small, isolated hamlet right smack-dab in the middle of nowhere! (Or, as we like to optimistically think of it - right in the middle of everything!) "I mean, when you have a bunch of folks who are jittery and potentially unstable in the first place and you commingle a mild stimulant - well, all I can say is that is just a recipe for disaster, that's all! Whoa! Sure, that coffee ban does make waking up at 3:00 AM every day to begin my quite extensive and comprehensive mayoral duties a little challenging, but when you have the civic-minded orientation that I do and the undying love of the citizenry, that is as good as any double espresso I ever had! Sometimes government service is not only its own reward, but it can get the endorphins firing like a string of firecrackers, too!" he gushed.
"Well, that whole dern coffee thing is just a plain abuse of governmental power, if you ask me!" said Goober Snopes, an area farmer/rancher and a big fan of the Jerry Springer Show. "Heck, I know for a fact that in the Constitution or Magna Carta (pronounced 'Mag-ner Car-ter') or whatever that document is that tells us that we can just do any dern thing we want without fear of any consequences - that a man has the right to gulp down a pot or two and go disrupt just about anything that they dern well please! Weddings, baptisms, romantic dinners at a complete stranger's house, Lamont Town Hall Meetings, you name it! It don't matter what it is! I know I have the right to turn just about any gathering I attend into the Jerry Springer Show - and what's so bad about that, anyway? Jerry has helped a lot of people over the years! Sure, there is a lot of hair pulling, cussing, chair throwing, snarling and people bursting into tears left and right, but that is a small price to pay given all the lives he has changed and all the divorces he has helped bring about! The man is a doggone American icon, for crying out loud - so if I want to run around imitating the crowd and guests of such a great man, I just don't see why anyone would take exception to that. Plus, acting like an uncivilized maniac also allows me to skirt that whole 'responsibilities' part of being a citizen! That responsibility thing must have been some carry-over from those dern Redcoats or whoever it was that we took this stupid country from or whatever. What the heck did they know, anyway? And what grown man wears red, for Pete's sake? (Well, Santa does! So I guess it is coal in your stocking AGAIN this year!) This is America and I have the right to act uncouth and uncultured when and where I dern well please, and you just try to stop me!" he stammered triumphantly, somehow forgetting about that fine Whitman County Sheriff's Department!
(Editorial Note: Thankfully, this is not in fact true. Although the Town meeting has oftentimes come to loosely resemble the 'Jerry Springer Show' as of late, (although Jerry's people would more than likely turn down half the folks small towns potentially deal with because of their general unbelievability as 'real life' characters! Oh, were we only Mayberry, indeed!) a recent legal brief from the best small town lawyer in the State, Cindy McMullen, (Oh, do we ever love her!!!) in fact shed some light on the extensive powers of the town to throw the jabbering rabble-rousers and disruptive scoff-laws out of the assemblage (after due warning(s), of course!) at no legal risk to the Town - given the often under-appreciated and quite necessary "Open Public Meetings Act" that ensures public access to but not unsolicited public participation in these legally mandated meetings. Oh, when the law is on your side, it is sweet indeed! Now if we just had an official town dog who could unceremoniously drag the perps out by the trouser leg, that would just be too darn awesome! A Town can dream, can't it?) (And remember, before you go throwing folding chairs, your spouse and/or your toupee at the Lamont Blog, this is a parody, people! Any similarities between individuals described above and any real person who ever attended a Town meeting is marginally coincidental - but what man can tell what the future holds?! Stay tuned, folks! This could get interesting!! The natives are restless!)
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