In a long overdue reprieve sent by the very Heavens themselves, the lowly and shockingly delusional Town of Lamont, in a moment of deranged euphoria, launched an aggressive public relations campaign to bring those ever finicky tourists (whatever they are!!) to the 2nd smallest town in Washington (and smallest in Whitman County!!) - as opposed to having them drive all the way across the State to luxuriate in that highly overrated Pacific Ocean with all that stupid fresh seafood and where those sea breezes blow without even the slightest hint of cow manure whatsoever! "Well, as they say, every dog has its day - so in your face Long Beach!!" bellowed an area mayor from the main attraction in Lamont's new push for tourist dollars - the supposed 'beach' nestled right up against some sluggish stream in the recently dubbed (and highly dubious!) "Pacific Gulch". "Sure, Lamont has been basically obliterated over and over again by that stupid Long Beach because they have an actual beach and a real ocean and all - oh yeah, and they have really nice citizens and - of course, they have stores - oh, and they have high speed internet - but that shocking disparity is about to be a thing of the unfortunate to say nothing of quite embarrassing past! With the opening of 'Lamont Beach' nestled in the beautiful "Pacific Gulch", I just know that we will harvest our share of those folks who are not afraid of being contaminated by "outsiders with all them big city ways" (unlike the typical Lamont area citizen!) and who are looking for a relaxing place to visit as our world basically goes to hell in a hand-basket!" he stammered insanely, using sweeping hand gestures to draw attention to what amounts to some muddy bog slowly flowing thru a less than impressive portion of the forbidding and somewhat hellish wasteland known as the "Scablands"! (The nightmarish Scablands run right next to Lamont - the full length of town - in fact!! - oh yeah, life is fair!) "Well, I am indeed more than a little embarrassed by my inherent gullibility, but I had to drive out to Lamont to see what all the fuss was about!" said Edgar Fullerton, 56, a Spokane resident. "I, for one, could not believe that any town, let alone one in the Continental USA, could possibly trumpet such an obviously pathetic display of human incompetence supposedly designed to foster actual although limited human enjoyment - but sadly my vain hopes for the better angels of our national nature were dashed to the ground and stomped flat by the outrageous Town of Lamont, who obviously has no compunction against shamelessly marketing a tattered sow's ear as a shiny silk purse. I just want to tell that mayor, whoever he is, and, believe me, I use the term 'mayor' loosely, 'Sir, I have been to Long Beach - and this pitiful excuse for some third rate tourist sideshow is not within a million miles of that relaxing vacation wonderland! (Ouch! That was a little harsh - however well-deserved and true!) As I said, I have been to Long Beach, and you, Lamont, are no Long Beach! And as if I needed any more proof, Lamont has obviously gone well over 100 years with no civic planning whatsoever, while Long Beach is one of the best planned small coastal cities on the entire Pacific seaboard! (Darn Gayle Borchard, the Long Beach City Planner, and her twinkling little eyes, too!!) Shame on you and your cruel ruse to fool the citizenry just looking for some small, relaxing reprieve from their daily grind of toil and woe, sir! Oh yeah, and when I needed to use the public facilities after drinking a double espresso I bought in Cheney, since I heard Lamont does not even have a store, I had to drive to Sprague - 9 miles away!!! What is with that?" he said cruelly, drawing attention to the fact that in 100 years Lamont and the surrounding area never managed the organizational fortitude to put in a public toilet! "Shame on you, Lamont...! May shame infest your municipal fibers like the fleas of 1000 camels! (Okay, some creepy Arabian curse is certainly uncalled for at this juncture!) I now need to take a vacation in Long Beach just to calm myself down and to get the smell of those unfortunate cow byproducts out of my nose and clothes and hair!" he concluded indignantly, as if beating that proverbial dead horse long after municipal rigor mortis had actually set in would do any good at this point!! Oh, when will the world learn that Lamont is Lamont, and they ain't changing for time, tide, and for no man, neither!
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