Jun 19, 2011

Local Fish Shocked, Disgusted At Area Cat’s Utterly Inept, Almost Non-Existent Fishing Skills

In a sad testament to the area feline population’s ability to adapt to the modern world with all of those ‘new fangled’ fish bowls and aquariums, not to mention vacuum cleaners, dispose-alls and other ear splitting devices like home coffee grinders that tend to send the supposed household 'alpha-predators' scurrying under the nearest bed, an area guppy has resorted to just shaking his head in disgust after almost 3 years of safely swimming in the same fish bowl in a house filled with numerous cats without the decidedly bored aquatic sojourner so much a suffering a scratch or losing a fin or part of his multi-colored tail or whatever, area fish bowl insiders report.

“Well, as a rule, guppies are known in the veterinarian community for their ‘devil-may-care’, some might say reckless disregard for all the instinctive protocols of personal safety and enlightened self-interest, so when one of the finned risk-takers is faced with a house full of supposedly efficient and predatory house cats, their natural tendency is to throw caution to the wind and take that challenge head on and to just see who comes out on top” said Dr. Susan Finkermann, 56, an area veterinarian and renowned fish expert. “So, contrary to all the known stereotypes about frightened fish fleeing to go hide in some brightly colored but 'hard to defend' underwater castle or whatever or to briskly retreat to some pathetic forest of fake plastic plants that should have, if the owner had any self-respect, been replaced years ago, the average guppy will swim right to the surface of whatever water they are in – taunting whatever primary predator that runs rough-shod in that particular ecosystem they find themselves in – even the common American household, or so it would appear. Anyway, this guppy, which still does not even have a proper name after who knows how many years - but who answers to the moniker “the fish”,(Editorial Note: The fish is unusually responsive - especially when accompanied with an expression of shock at having forgotten to dispense the fish food which, truth be known, seems to be an all-too-common occurrence for good taste, for Pete’s sake! I mean, how hard is it to remember to feed a fish once a day, for crying out loud!) Anyway, this intrepid terror of the seas will boldly swim right to the surface of the bowl as the seemingly normal but somewhat lackluster cats either try to claw at the sides of the glass enclosure and/or drink the fish bowl down to a more manageable level for attack or whatever. Who knows what the obviously limited ‘so-called’ predators are thinking, but whatever it is it is not very well formed nor well-thought out, given their decidedly dismal success rate after all these years!” said the animal expert with 22 years of hands on experience with the food chain. “It is all very disturbing and disconcerting, if you want my professional opinion” she said sadly, wondering why she went to Vet school in the first place and didn’t become a professional ballet dancer like that Russian woman, whatever her name is. (maybe being 6’2” and weighing 225 had something to do with that decision, too! Who knows!)

“Well, being a fan of police shows on TV, when I first got that guppy I just naturally assumed that the poor thing had some sort of death wish or whatever like the much vaulted “suicide by cop” technique used by some of the more disturbed perps, this guppy was attempting ‘suicide by cat’” said the guppy’s owner who asked not to be identified for obvious reasons (Can’t blame him there! Whoa!). “But then I began to observe this troubling behavior more closely and realized that the aquatic hell-raiser was in fact rushing the surface, slathered guppy fangs bared and at the ready, just looking for a fight to the finish! That was one disturbing life realization, let me assure you! I can safely say that I have not forgotten the fish food since, that is for sure! And I am even now working on coming up with an appropriate name for the thing, too. That is one creature that you don’t want to get on the wrong side of, let me tell you… I am just thankful that my cats are so inept and incompetent and have thus avoided the wrath of that cantankerous finned nightmare! That is all I need right now – an emergency trip to the vet to stitch up a paw or re-attach an ear or whatever.” he concluded solemnly while crossing himself and throwing salt over one shoulder before spitting three times.

Jun 4, 2011

Tearful Lamont Area Shocked, Grief-Stricken Upon News Of Tragic Passing Of TV Icon

Flags were immediately lowered to half mast amid the sounds of wailing sobs and gnashing of teeth when word leaked out that one of the mainstays of the local culture, a true American icon in his own right, James Arness, died comfortably in his sleep at 88, and not somehow defending the decidedly tarnished honor of Miss Kitty or getting his somewhat malodorous sidekick Festus out of one of those scrapes he got himself into in almost every episode. Arness, who appeared in 34 films, 12 television shows and five Gunsmoke made-for-TV movies, achieved an even more vaulted status in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) where his portrayal of the towering Dodge City lawman with a heart of gold (and a six-shooter always at the ready!!) served as some sort of transformational influence and manly role model for area farmers/ranchers to revere and idolize, for whatever reason, given that he is just a fictional character.

“Dang it all, where was Doc when the Marshall was laid low? Where was that infernal saw-bones when the big man needed him to work his feeble magic?” shouted Goober Snopes, 56, an area rancher and co-chair of the Greater Lamont Bovine Association (GLBA), an area social and cultural organization. “I always knew that man was too weak and fumbling to come thru in a clutch! Oh, and poor Miss Kitty! I bet that poor fallen woman is just beside herself! I am sure she is driving herself into the poor house by giving away free shots of whiskey to every two-bit wrangler, thieving outlaw and no-good cattle rustler in a vain attempt to assuage her crushing grief - even though the Marshall never married her and made her an honest woman, although any dern fool could sense the romantic tension between the two of them! Oh, and I just know that Festus has gone back to the bottle again! He won’t live out the week, not with the good-hearted tomfoolery he manages to get himself into! Oh, this is just terrible! Oh, does this mean that those Gunsmoke marathons are going to decrease in frequency now that the best actor in the history of the stage has gone to the Pearly Gates?? If so, all I have to say is “Marshall, I ain’t far behind ya, brother!” he stammered tearfully, obviously suffering a broken heart and a somewhat misplaced sense of reality in the modern media age. “Oh, and what am I supposed to do with those three cases of pork rinds that UPS delivered to my single-wide just last week? It would be dang disloyal to partake in the delicate yet savory treats while watching any other show! I would feel like I was doing the Marshall and Miss Kitty dirty if I consumed my usual 3-4 bags watching ‘Big Valley’, ‘Bonanza’, ‘Wagon Train’, ‘Rawhide’ or ‘The Rifleman’! I just can’t soil the man’s memory like that!! Oh, what will I do with my life now? Now all I have is just sitting around the house, listening to the wife jabber on about how much she hates Lamont and to listen to all her insane plans for undermining the town so that they don’t ever have to use fire hydrants after all, their roads decay faster than expected, and that dern library with all that fancy book learning don’t ever get built! What sort of life is that for a rugged individualist battling the elements in the great American frontier, anyway? Oh, this is a dark day for all humanity, indeed! The end times are really upon us, just like my preacher at the area Cattleman’s church says! Oh, may the Lord have mercy on us all!” he whispered, gazing skyward with a look of a decidedly guilty man being unceremoniously frog-marched to the waiting gallows.

Those were not the only tears to be shed on the passing of this great man. At the American Pork Rind Association headquarters in Pigeon Forge, TN, ironically also home to that rancher vacation paradise “Dollywood”, gallons of moonshine were being sloshed around and several people were reported to have thrown themselves out of headquarter's windows (Thank goodness the building is only a single story!!!) because well over 90% of the nation’s pork rinds are consumed by farmers/ranchers in the Lamont area – and market research indicates that 90% of those are scarfed down during episodes of Gunsmoke! “Oh, we are ruined! Our once proud fried pig skin industry is going to the dustbin of history!” said a national pork rind spokesperson. “Darn you Marshall Dillon! Why couldn’t you live forever? Oh, what will we do now - especially since the Chinese have too much sense to eat fried pork skin?” she sobbed uncontrollably.