Sep 30, 2008

Movie Night in Lamont

As we all know, few things signify budding romance and rekindled love more than gathering with a sweetie and secretly holding hands and snuggling under the disapproving stares of your neighbors in the Lamont Community Center during our now famous “Movie Nights” put on by friends of the Lamont Community Church. Held the second Saturday of every month (until further notice), a fine, wholesome, family-friendly movie is shown (free of charge) and popcorn and hotdogs are also provided free (yes, that is an outrageously sweet deal). Candy is offered for sale, and donations are welcome to keep this event going. So, mark your calendars, grab the kids and come on down at 6:30 PM on the 2nd Saturday of the month. Next one is October 11th. The next movie is even better than the last one, if that is even metaphysically possible!! (yes, rumor has it that strong, steadfast farm wives who have lived thru drought, storm and volcano eruptions were seen furtively wiping away tears after the touching ending of the last one - but as Mayor I can neither confirm nor deny that)

Mayor Creates Fantasy "Mental Image" Of Town Engineer's Office In Spite Of Never Having Been There

In a disturbing case of projection and taking a few data points and expanding them into a complete social scenario, an area Mayor has, over the years, built a complete and highly detailed "imaginary" workplace where amazing feats of engineering are done with breathtaking efficiency, solid American values and slapstick-like camaraderie. "Well, all I have ever seen is the fantastic output of that 'miracle factory' that they call Century West Engineering - and have met a few of the employees and of course the big burrito - Dennis Fuller. But the thing that spurred my sense of a utopian social nirvana was talking to the women who answer the phone when I call to ask dumb questions" said the decidedly envious Mayor. "Those ladies just seem so friendly, efficient, smart and professional that I could just kick myself for being a lifelong math laggard and thus self-excluded from the Olympian heights of the ever-glamorous engineering profession. What the heck was I thinking when I was not paying attention in my formative math years, dang it?!!!" he sniveled. "I could be mingling with the 'beautiful people' if I would have just forced myself to learn long division, geometry and that whole decimal thing!!" he said self-reprovingly. “Oh, what is squandered away in youth is sorely cherished in old age” he said melodramatically and completely out of all conceivable context to the situation.

Local Mayor Faces Stern Rebuke At Recent Town Meeting

In a bold move to shore up the declining social and fashion standards that signal the twilight of any great culture, a local councilwoman laid into the Mayor for undermining the very American way of life that we all love and cherish. “Well, we may be a small town that is struggling to make its way in the post-industrial world where the lack of technological infrastructure puts us at a severe disadvantage in the bare-knuckles brawl that is the competitive global economy, but that is no darn reason not to iron your shirt before coming to a council meeting” said a steamed, esteemed council woman of long standing. And don’t even get me started on that ridiculous haircut or those sad shoes” she said. “As Mayor and an elected representative of our fair town, the least he could do is a decent ‘drip-dry’, for Pete’s sake!!!!” she seethed. “Oh, mercy!! These are truly the times that try one’s soul!!!”

Local Man’s Yard Is Green For First Time Since 1972

As part of the road construction project, a company was hired to spray bright green “hydro-seed” on the edges of the construction work to facilitate future grass growth and to help stabilize the disturbed soil. “Well, at first I thought it was a ‘dad-burn’ miracle” said a local resident of Spokane Street. “The wife is always griping at me about the yard looking brown, so when I went out to get away from her ‘fingernails-on-the-chalkboard-like’ nagging I looked in the front yard and there was actually a beautiful bright green patch there. So, of course, I turned on my heel and marched back in the house to drag the wife out to admire my newfound and quite unexpected lawn care prowess” beamed the man. “I just hope we don’t get a hard rain and it all washes away.”

Local Soothsayer Startles Town By Predicting Drastic 6-Month Decline In Local Mosquito Population

A local fortuneteller has stunned area residents by predicting a general decline in the local mosquito population until at least May of next year, well-placed sources said. “Well, if you can get past that necklace of animal teeth, the huge wart on her nose, that creepy cackle and the fact that she calls everyone “My Pretty” – her track record at predicting the ebb and flow of the area mosquitoes has been pretty darn good. I just hope she is right again this year!!!” said a local man. “Her unnatural powers do give me the creeps, but who can argue with such success? Plus, if I agree with her maybe she will put a hex on someone else and not me.”

Local Councilman Caught Being All “Bright-Eyed and Bushy-Tailed” At 6:00 AM On A Saturday

Contrary to all known stereotypes related to council members in general and the Lamont Council in particular, a local public servant was observed bouncing around his yard and doing “odd jobs” at an obscene hour when any normal person would be tucked in bed - dreading the start of another day filled with the ragged shards of shattered hopes and broken dreams. “Well, I was going to let my dog out to do his business when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw this little blur of activity across the way and knew that something was very, very wrong.” said a neighbor. “At first I just assumed that he was having another psychotic episode and that I needed to call the town men to subdue him until the medication could kick in, but then I saw, much to my horror, that he was just getting a jump on his busy day! That’s just wrong!!! If people want to act like that, they should buy property out in the county where that sort of thing is tolerated – not in a town where children are present!! We have to have some rules and standards here” she fumed.

Although monitoring the situation closely, the Mayor, freshly awakened from his log-like repose, was powerless to stem this tide of productivity or crush this unseemly “can-do” spirit. “Well, I am as shocked and horrified as the rest of the community, but until he extends this anti-social behavior to Town property or begins sprucing up a neighbor’s lot we are basically powerless to stop him. The lawmakers in Olympia really need to tighten up the code so things like this just don’t happen and slovenly, lazy citizens don’t have to see this sort of thing” he said.

Area Pastor’s Sense Of Humor Largely Under-Appreciated

In one of life’s odd little ironies, a local pastor’s well-developed and robust sense of humor, finely-tuned over the course of nearly 50 years, falls largely on deaf ears and rarely receives the credit or appreciation that it deserves. “Well, when I think of pastors, I think of hell and fire and brimstone and unspeakable torment – so I am always a little taken aback when one of them tells a joke” said a local farmer. “It takes me a while to figure out that it is a joke, and then I get all worried that I might go to Hell if I don’t laugh. It’s all very disconcerting” he said meekly.
“Well, I like my humor to be a little more direct; like slipping on a banana peel or sitting in paint or whatever” said a local woman. “The jokes he tells tend to be ‘plays on words’ or have deep life lessons somehow built into them – and although funny if you think about them, it just takes too much energy for a busy mother of 3. He is obviously very clever and has good delivery, but his jokes should have more people falling down or forgetting to wear their pants when they go shopping or whatever. Plus, if his humor was any drier, it would be the State of Arizona” she said.

Mystery Solved: Why There Are So Few Palouse Goats

Two men were walking in the Scablands east of Lamont when they came across a strange hole nestled between several basalt pillars. The men carefully edged up to the hole and peered inside – unable to see the bottom. One man called into the hole and never heard an echo. Puzzled, the second man grabbed a large rock and threw it into the opening. As the seconds ticked by and no sound came back – the men looked at each other in stunned amazement. Finally, one of the men glanced around the area and saw an old railroad tie and lugged it to the hole and threw it in. Seconds later a lone goat came trotting along and dived right into the hole without even a pause. Needless to say, both men were stunned and amazed. A few moments later a farmer came along – and the men recounted the story of the amazing hole and the goat – and the flabbergasted men asked the farmer if that was his goat that just dived headlong into the hole. The farmer assured the puzzled men that it could not be his goat – because he kept his goat securely tethered to a railroad tie where it could browse and not get into trouble. The two men, eyes cast to the ground as if their shoelaces had suddenly become fascinating, quickly shuffled off without another word – having inadvertently replaced one puzzling mystery with another one. (Note: This was an example of pastoral humor. No goats were actually harmed in any way)

Local Cat Single-Handedly Keeps Regional Field Mice Population Within Manageable Levels

(Town Hero - Fluffy)

Local Pastor Stuns Town By Being An “Early Adopter” Of Cutting Edge Micro-Fiber Technology

Although, as a rule, modern pastors tend to reject worldly things and focus more on the realm of the spiritual; a local pastor has thrown caution to the wind and jumped firmly behind a relatively unknown niche of cutting-edge 21st century technology – the misunderstood and somewhat sinister ‘micro-fiber revolution’. “Well, no one in the congregation knows what to make of it – or even if this is something from ‘above or below’, if you catch my meaning” said a local elected official and more-or-less faithful church-goer.

“One day we are nagging him because he only checks his email once every 3rd blue moon – and then he throws a technological curve ball at us and begins showing up at church with some really nice, space-age shirts that are the envy of the congregation and that seem to be impervious to all known stains. It is pretty hard to get your mind around that one” he said. “Although we would all feel much more comfortable if he chose to wear camel hair shirts like our Bible heroes, I guess those can be pretty hard to find in Spokane - or so I hear.” he said sympathetically and with only a tinge of suspicion.