Dec 30, 2010

"We Lost! It's Over! Long Beach Has Vanquished Us!" Says Area Mayor To Stunned, Tear-Filled Citizenry

In a living example of "Victory has 1000 fathers while defeat is an orphan", an area mayor, stating the obvious that any dern fool with half a lick of sense would have seen with crystalline clarity months or years ago, broke the news that the Town of Lamont, - a small, self-absorbed, barely functioning, largely cannibalistic incorporated entity, (and a mere 'town' - not even a doggone fancy-pants 'city'!) has been crushed under the sheer organizational and geographical superiority of one of the gems of small city North America, that doggone Long Beach, WA itself! (Well, we can at least bask in their reflective glory, I guess!)

"Well, what can I say? We are a landlocked little town without a store that pretty much smells like those unfortunate cow byproducts 24/7, for Pete's sake!" said the obviously pained mayor (with a look in his eyes like a rabbit who stumbled out of the bushes only to catch the undivided attention of a nimble, energetic coyote who hasn't eaten in a week!) while scanning for potential avenues of escape from the decidedly unhappy, churning, and edgy mob! "Listen, Long Beach is nestled on the best ocean in the world, they have places to eat and - oh yeah, they have those tourist people (whatever they are - is that like those doggone Canadians, irritable Idahoans or sneaky Shriners or something? What is a tourist, anyway?) who will willingly drive over there to see them without some under-the-table bribe or some such behavior that rests firmly on the shady side of the law! (And don't forget Long Beach has that doggone Gayle Borchard! Darn her glimmering little eyes! How could we ever compete against that?) They are just better than we are, that's all! I know it hurts, but sometimes the cold, hard truth is the best disinfectant for small town dysfunction, for crying out loud!" he mumbled as several of the onlookers rushed home to get their torches and pitchforks - as is the Lamont way! "Listen, we fought the good fight, but petty, small-minded, passive-aggressiveness is just no match against excellent city planning and having a citizenry that appreciates the very foundations of the English Common Law tradition, that's all!" he said soothingly, while backing off the podium in preparation for a mad dash to safety in his largely unknown root cellar! "Listen, I know you are upset! I know you are hurt! I know you feel betrayed! But maybe a relaxing vacation in that soothing vacation Mecca, Long Beach, would bring peace to our ruffled municipal feathers! What do you say! Whose up for a road trip?" said the unbelievable, completely out of touch with the spirit of the people nincompoop!

(Editorial Note: Oh, the humanity! Talk about a political death wish! The dern fool just pretty much lit the fuse to the dynamite that will, more than likely, blow what is left of his tarnished, tattered political capital to smithereens, for Pete sake! What was he thinking?? Oh, how could he mention that doggone Long Beach at a time like this - and as the dadburn medicinal cure for what ails us as a sad, spent, stumbling little town whose light of hope grows dimmer every day, too? What a fool! I mean, how politically and emotionally 'tone deaf' can one elected official be? That is the equivalent of inviting the victims of Hurricane Katrina or that big tsunami to a day at the doggone wave pool! Oh, no wonder Lamont is in such a state! How we survived this long is a mystery to the caring and long suffering staff at the Lamont Blog, that is for sure! Thank you, we think!)

Dec 29, 2010

The Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) Wins Rare Statewide Competition

The Lamont area, long known for its shocking absence of municipal and personal achievements of any kind, stunned the entire Pacific Northwest when it was awarded a rare "First Place" in a competition conducted across the State. "Whoa! I can't believe it! We won! We won! Oh, mercy! Someone get me a glass of that outrageously pure Lamont drinking water courtesy of the USDA-RD, Dept. of Commerce and Century West Engineering before I pass out! Quick!!" (yes, the Lamont Blog is not above even the most shameless of plugs! But come on, when you are as small and dysfunctional as we are, you have to thank the folks who make things happen!) bellowed an area mayor - a man who, given the very nature of his somewhat dubious position, has not seen success or acclamation of any kind in over 5 years. (Nor has the town in well over 100!!!) "I mean, sure, I knew this whole area had a lot of folks who had the nickname of "Bubba" - (pronounced locally as "Bubb-er"!!) but to have the largest number of them, both in terms of a percentage of total population and in real numbers too, well, that is just a dream come true!! Oh, we actually won something! See, we can succeed, albeit in the margins of society, after all!!!!" he gushed insanely, gazing heavenward with a thoughtful, madness-laden repose!

"Sure, when I first moved here, it was pretty darn easy to address people properly - given that a vast majority of the area folks all pretty much went by the same name (sadly, this even extended to the area womenfolk!) - so I had very few socially awkward moments when I called someone by the wrong name! I hate it when I do that!" said the sensitive, socially-conscious public servant. "But, given that we are a town with fewer than 100 people, what are the chances that we would dominate the whole dern State with our obviously unhealthy propensity for naming people "Bubba"? Yikes, it is like a miracle or something! I just wish my poor mother was still alive to share this glory with me! Oh, we actually won something! Someone pinch me!" he stammered excitedly! " See, my five years in the mayoral salt mines were not a complete and total waste, after all!" he blathered annoyingly, always having to make every situation about himself somehow! (Oh, that is so annoying!!!)

(Editorial Note: Although not officially part of the competition itself, the GLMA also had the highest number of people named "Skeeter", Moose, Festus and Jed, although these unfortunate monikers were not officially recognized in the above referenced competition - so that stupid mayor cannot do some distasteful 'victory dance' (known more specifically as the quite disturbing 'Rump Shaker'!) in the front yard over them! Thank you. Oh yeah, and no one even bothered to get him a glass of water like he wanted, either, given that we are not his mother and/or his legs aren't broken, for Pete's sake!! Plus, that would be considered 'helping' - which runs counter to our collective, unspoken creed that binds us together more firmly than even the most solemn of pagan blood oaths!)

Dec 24, 2010

Santa Tragically Strays Into Lamont's Airspace For The First Time Since 1910!!

The lowly and unrepentantly self-destructive town of Lamont, well known in these parts for being decidedly top heavy on the naughty while the nice has been pretty much kicked to the curb, (Whoa! Talk about an understatement!!) momentarily got their holiday hopes up when, due to some inexplicable reindeer malfunction or whatever, the formerly 'Jolly St. Nick' (Also known in these parts as 'that fat guy in the red suit who dresses up like that bell-ringing guy in the Wal-Mart parking lot in Airway Heights'!!) unfortunately flew over the town on his way to those other really nice towns like St. John and Sprague and Fairfield - not to mention the quite awesome County Seat - Colfax! For the record, Santa has officially bypassed the 2nd smallest town in the State ever since its founding in 1910, due in no small part to what an official North Pole spokesperson called "behavior most unbecoming for any town not officially in the grips of a civil war or other such societal upheaval".

"Well, there I was, starting on my 2nd 12-pack since noon when out of no where I heard someone shouting "Ho, Ho, Ho" - so naturally I went bursting into the front yard like a maniac (wearing a stained, "wife beater" shirt, of course!), 12-gauge shotgun in hand, ready to defend the decidedly tarnished honor of the gentler (at least he didn't say fairer! Whoa!) members of the quite expansive Bodine clan!" said the somewhat inebriated Festus 'Skeeter' Bodine, 56, an area farmer/rancher. "Sure, we all treat our family members like they were dirt, especially the womenfolk, but I'll be dadburned if I am going to allow some rotund interloper just passing thru to do it without me being there and egging them on, of course!" he said proudly. "Anyway, when I glanced up to where all that name calling was coming from, I just happened to see that Santa feller come passing over with all them mule deer or whatever the heck that was! Sadly, I was only able to get off two quick shots of buckshot before that crafty sneak had slinked over the dadburn horizon! I am pretty certain I winged the sucker though, although it was hard to tell given that some stupid and quite unexpected airborne sack of coal rendered me senseless in the snow for just about an hour! (If he would have been knocked unconscious by flying coal in our well-plowed and beautifully designed roads, he could have avoided that little 'face in the snow' problem! But do you think the Town will ever get credit for that! Heck no!! All people want to do is complain!) Well, that ought to teach them outsiders to come traipsing into Lamont, just 'a-doing' whatever the heck they think pleases them at the moment! This is our town and we don't need none of that outsider happiness and good cheer around here! It tends to dampen our usual ardor for self-loathing and has the propensity to take all the fun out of hating our neighbors and being generally rotten human beings, sure enough! Why do you think so many of us moved way out here in the first place? Where else could we get away with such blatantly antisocial behavior? Heck, around here, it is the more meanness the merrier!" he beamed thru a disturbing number of missing teeth, tending to remind any onlooker more of Halloween than of the festive Christmas season itself!.

(Editorial Note: Although several attempts have been made to make the Christmas holidays the official Lamont "Fat Guy In A Red Suit" hunting season, with a limit of one per resident, of course, the Council, in their wisdom, has yet to actually vote on the measure, although it does meet with the solid support of well over 70% of the citizenry who, thankfully, mostly cannot vote due to previous felony convictions or failure to ever register - many of said felonies ironically involving firearms and, of course, whatever cheap alcohol swill was on sale that day. And as for the somewhat haphazard shotgun blasts that Mr. Bodine quite incautiously took at the above referenced "Mr. Claus", official incident reports indicate that, like most things that the hapless Skeeter and his ilk does, this blatant, to say nothing of felonious, assault went awry, and no damage to man, beast or sled was reported to Santa's insurance provider. Thank you!)

Dec 22, 2010

Entire Town Suspicious After State Quietly Doubles Or Triples Speed Limits In and Around Lamont

The lowly, profoundly dysfunctional, decidedly underachieving and some would say hopelessly forlorn Town of Lamont, somehow located in the cool, hip, happening, beautiful, outrageously well-managed Whitman County in the far, far, far (did we say far?) eastern portion of the great State of Washington (almost over by Idaho, if you can believe that hideous luck!) - a town long known as a huge embarrassment to not only the power elite in Olympia but also a vast majority of the civilized world that knows how to read and can do basic math, woke up late Tuesday to what amounted to a mini 'Indy 500' or whatever, assuming those annoying flatbed pickup trucks and/or modified wheat trucks were allowed to race in the dern thing - and, of course, if all the Indy 500 drivers were raving mental patients, that is.

"What the? Whoa! Hey, slow it down there, buddy!" bellowed the mayor while safely hiding behind a tree (what a sissy!) just off Main Street! "Oh, sure, I knew that Lamont has been the proverbial 'acne outbreak' on the State's wedding day for decades and all, but couldn't they just have quietly ceded us to Idaho or Oregon or whatever? And whatever the heck happened to the old 'tried and true" condemning our water system trick or something? But this whole speed limit ruse, although effective, just seems to be a little sneaky and underhanded, if you ask me!" he sniveled annoyingly. "Sure, being the mayor of Lamont, of course I have a fair amount of sympathy with the State's goals and aspirations on this point - I mean, who wouldn't? - but it just seems like a somewhat convoluted way to rid the State of a persistent burr under the Olympian saddle, that's all. Dang it all, man! These area people could hardly drive when the posted speed limits were 25 mph in town and 50 mph on the State roads! (we won't even mention that whole 'road sign adherence' problem!) At this rate we will be the smallest town in the State sometime around noon, if my calculations are correct! I guess I did pick a good time to move to sunny New Mexico with its year round golfing, spicy senoritas and outrageously delicious breakfast burritos made the way those rascally Conquistadors used to like them back in the doggone 1500's or whenever that whole European invasion, colonization and blood-thirsty massacre thing actually happened! (When one spends the morning 'conquistadoring' or whatever the heck it was those Conquistadors actually did, it was darn easy to work up one towering hunger, or so the history books say!! And what kind of word is 'Conquistador' anyway? It don't even sound American, for Pete's sake! How can you trust anyone who doesn't even have the decency to have an American sounding name? I mean, come on! But they did know how to make a mean breakfast burrito - so they can't be all bad!) Oh, but one would think that the big cheeses in charge over there in Olympia could have waited until I actually left the State before unleashing 'Operation Road Warrior" on the dern place, that's all! (good thing our roads were designed by Century West Engineering! Just think of the body count then! Thank you CWE!!) What did I ever do to those State 'muckity-mucks'?? Don't my five years in the largely thankless mayoral salt mines count for anything over there? (of course not, you idiot!) What ingrates! I bet that stupid Long Beach never gets singled out for this sort of treatment! Oh, maybe Long Beach is better than we are, after all!" said the blasphemous, short-timing turncoat who was the one who picked the doomed fight with that vacation wonderland in the first place! (only to have his rear end handed to him over and over again! Oh, how embarrassing, even by Lamont standards! And Lamont is one town that knows its embarrassment, let me tell you!!)

Dec 9, 2010

Significant Portions Of Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) ' No Fun At All!', Says The Quite Peeved, Challenge-Loving Devil Himself

The Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area, (GLMA), living up to its somewhat well-deserved reputation of being lackadaisical and underachieving in just about all things, has somehow even managed to disappoint the devil, who, contrary to popular stereotypes, likes a good challenge when it comes to subverting the hapless mankind from its ultimate mission of returning to the loving bosom of the Lord. "Well, half of the fun of being the devil revolves around setting clever snares and traps and other 'devices most devious', so when I come to a little town in the heartland of America - you know, one where people pride themselves on being 'true blue' Americans and all (and why we all moved here in the first place), it is just assumed that there will be a bit of a scuffle or dust-up or real resistance of some kind, however half-hearted, from people in positions of responsibility as I display my wares of deception in preparation for my wicked harvest!" said the none-too-pleased Evil One. "So, when I planted the seeds of inaction, lethargy, laziness and laggardly inattention all those decades ago, I had no idea that some of the folks in these parts would so whole-heartedly adopt these principles of mine and in turn suck all of the fight and spunk out of the place! I won't plant that same bitter harvest again when I go to my next small town, let me tell you! I crave resistance, not meek submission! This has been no fun at all!" he fumed with sulfurous vexation while stamping his cloven hoof! "Sure, in the past I sent all those biting dogs to terrorize the citizenry, but who would have thought that some of the long-term area 'leaders', would defend the families who owned them and unleashed them on helpless school children! Yes, I was the one, way back when, who brought all those energetic and fruitful crime-friendly families to the town, but who would have guessed that some of the area 'ruling elite' would so eagerly befriend, embrace and defend them against the scourge of the law! (Yes, who would have thought THAT!!! Whoa! Thank goodness most are gone!) And finally, I was the one who made the town water go bad, but who would have thought (he almost said 'thunk'! Oh, who would have guessed the devil had such bad grammar? Yikes!) that a disturbingly large segment of the regional elite, almost all living outside the Town itself, would complain about the benefits of the new water system! Where is the dern fun in that? (Wow, the 'Dark One' really does have bad grammar issues! Whoa!!) How boring! How nauseatingly mundane! Oh, I hate nothing more than a willing victim, that's all!" he hissed ominously, flicking his forked tail like an angry Komodo dragon or whatever!

"Well, one always hates to agree with the devil, but in this case I find myself in that quite unenviable position!" said an area mayor, more than a little shame-facedly! "I mean, time after time, year after year, we have met resistance to basic civilization initiatives from the most surprising of places! It just seems that some (not all!) of the 'old timers' in these parts would do just about anything to make sure Lamont stays in the fetid Dark Ages where mob justice reigned supreme and where certain lawless individuals, families and groups could prey on the innocent folks who just want to mind their own business! (or sit by while it happened! This has changed in large part, too!) And what ever happened to the intrinsic appreciation of the principles of American representative democracy in these parts, anyway? Is that another thing the devil clouded their judgment on, too? I thought these America-First types loved America - but then why do they show such hate and contempt by undermining her sacred institutions - like 'one man-one vote', electoral boundaries, separation of church and state, representative government for the governed and all of that?" he murmured inquisitively! "Oh, that devil is a crafty little scamp, indeed!" he concluded with his usual degree of understatement.

(Editorial Note: Of course this is a parody on the acceptance of bad behavior in general and no one, regardless of how tempting it is, should associate these poorly crafted paragraphs with actual or implied demonic influences in Lamont proper. Towns develop an ethos for what behaviors are acceptable, and regardless of the influences that help create that ethos, it is a very real thing - and one Lamont has quite successfully attempted to change, however painful that might have been in implementation. (It is an ongoing battle folks!) So, why not blame those motivations on the devil, anyway? Everyone else blames him! He does seem to have his hands in so many pies! Talk about a go-getter! Thank you!)

Dec 6, 2010

Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) Stunned, Confused After Town Accidentally Does Something Right

The lowly and largely misunderstood Town of Lamont, thru no fault of their own, did something that everyone seems to agree was a good thing, contrary to the prevailing wisdom in the surrounding area that that is, in fact, a metaphysical impossibility and beyond the scope of rational consideration. In truth, the very reality that anything good could ever come out of a place where the long-term residents insist that nothing good can ever flow forth was so shocking that no one can even remember what the doggone good thing was, for Pete's sake!

"What? Lamont did something right? Oh, that is just so wrong!" bellowed Dodo Festoon, 56, a part-time farm wife and alpha busybody/gossip/battle ax! "Half of my own somewhat inverted self-image comes from griping about the supposedly cruddy town I almost live in (in fact, she lives 12 miles outside the Town limits so why she claims us is one of those unfortunate circumstances that one can only chalk up to the very devil himself!) but, of course, I never lift a finger to help, so if they have good things going on over there, even by accident, then how am I supposed to prevent them from happening thru my energetic meddling and malignant mischief-making? Anyway, so how am I to thus reinforce my teetering and twisted self-esteem structure that pivots on blaming others for my own shocking inadequacies and lack of moral fortitude if the town does, in fact, do good things?" she stammered disgustedly (and incoherently!) "That is exactly why me and that whole coven of negative farm wives/gripe bags don't want no change around here! Once you modify even a small thing, then, like a fetid house of cards, our whole flawed and embarrassing edifice comes crashing down around us like one of those barns 'Old Man Snopes' continues to put up year after year. It is insanity, I tell you! We need things to stay the same so no one can see how goofed up we have been all these years!!!" she screeched, breaking glass as far away as Sprague! (and stampeding cattle in a 17 mile radius! Oh, those poor cows are skittish enough with all of those low flying planes and that unfortunate 'wolf re-introduction program' and all!! Do they really need this aggravation, too? I mean, come on!!)

"Well, being the mayor of a place where a vast majority of the area population will put a negative spin on even the most magnanimous of gallant gestures can be a little off-putting, but once you can learn to tune out that frequency it just ain't that bad, really!" said the long suffering and thick skinned area mayor. "Sure, folks in the Lamont area would gripe about a reprieve from the Governor 30 seconds before the hangman pulls the lever on them (and sadly, given Lamont's former crime statistics that these same so-called 'ruling elite' were more than comfortable with and/or even encouraged, several of our notorious area ne're-do-wells have actually done just that!) - but one just needs to realize that negativity is a way of life in this corner of the Palouse and just continue to soldier on, that's all. That is just the way some folks are - and we seem to have more than a few. It is more sad than anything, really. Sure, it is annoying to the extreme and all, but if you can ever get to where you just feel sorry for a person, that makes it a whole lot easier, I guess" he said sympathetically.

Town Continues Long Standing Tradition By Unveiling Latest Mayor Portrait For Display In Town Hall

The Town of Lamont, a humble little burg that, if nothing else, honors tradition above all else, regardless of its marginal or potentially hindering value in the modern era, continued a practice that stretches back to the dark, murky past - you know, before the town owned an internal combustion engine (in 2008!) and all of that. The public is invited to visit the Town Hall to view these renowned and revered statesmen and women - but it is a good idea to stop in Sprague to use the restroom before driving all the way out here. The Town does not currently have office hours, given our current staffing realities, but if you see a car over by the office that is a pretty fair bet that someone is in there. Oh yeah, and if you want a snack or maybe something to drink, you better buy that in Sprague, too! Ya'll come on down, ya hear! Thank you. And don't forget to visit our pride and joy - the now-famous Bug Tussle Park! How much more exciting does it get than that? Make a day of it! Okay, maybe 15 minutes would be sufficient, but what an exciting 15 minutes that would be! Whoa!!! Why deny yourself?

Dec 3, 2010

Area 'Artistic Type' Captures Epic And Potentially Socially Significant Struggle Between The Hapless Lamont And That Doggone Long Beach

In an artsy, innovative attempt to capture on canvas one of the longest simmering yet decidedly one-sided municipal conflicts in Washington state history, one of the world's less-well known painters, that painter guy, (what is his dern name, anyway?) applied his quite considerable although unrecognized talents to doing whatever it is those artist types do as it relates to the now famous Lamont/Long Beach dust up. (Given the quite comprehensive whipping Lamont has been taking as of late, we at the Lamont Blog would hardly flatter this altercation with the much too glamorous descriptor of a 'dust up'! It is much more akin to an elite Army Ranger brushing off an undersized 3rd grader by putting his outstretched hand on the young hellion's forehead as the tot just swings away in vain or whatever! I mean, come on! That is hardly a 'dust up' worthy of the name!!) "Well, of course I prefer to get my art on the cover of a cereal box or whatever, so I am no real judge of fine art, I guess" said Wilber Bodine, an area farmer/rancher. "But, first of all, what is with that whole creative license thing? If that Lamont guy is supposed to somehow represent our mayor, then first off, the guy has way too much hair! Whoa! That pirate would be blinded in a second once the sun beamed unmercifully off the mayor's ever-expanding forehead, for Pete's sake! Why not capture reality for reality's sake, is what I want to know!" he remarked quite astutely! (Darn his beady little eyes!)

"Second, it looks like our cowardly and decidedly poltroon-like mayor is actually putting up a fight there, when in reality it is much more his style to run away, screaming like a dadburn school girl or whatever! And what is that thing in his hand, an eggbeater or something? Everyone in these parts knows that dern mayor ain't no good with firearms. I did like the part about that pirate guy getting ready to smite the mayor with the wrath of the truly justified, however. That was pretty cool. Too bad that part ain't true, though! I would pay cash money to see that" he said a tad too gleefully! "Oh yeah, and those do look like some of that doggone mayor's 'big city' clothes that only he would wear! Dang, I bet he has never had a pair of manure-covered cowboy boots on in his life! How we ever elected a mayor without manure-covered cowboy boots is beyond me! What a moment of electoral insanity! We will not make THAT mistake again, let me tell you!" he said sternly! "And now that I look at it again, the mayor guy is kind of cringing in fear there - so maybe that is more than a little accurate, after all" said the budding patron of the arts, at least art where the mayor is in imminent peril of being dismembered or rendered senseless or whatever.

(Editorial Note: For the sake of accuracy, the nicely planned vacation wonderland of Long Beach is a peace loving town and prefers to coexist with other incorporated entities in the Great State of Washington, so any depiction of violence, however implied or symbolic, is outside the scope of the annoyingly peace loving nature of Long Beach and is solely in the somewhat disturbed mind of the 2nd smallest town in the State. Thank you!)

Dec 2, 2010

Shock Study: 2nd Smallest Town In The State Has The Best Doggone Snowplowed Roads In The Whole Dadburn Region

In a stunning revelation that runs counter to basic human intuition, 100 years of largely lackadaisical performance on just about every level, the whole principle of 'Economies of Scale' and the very fact that Lamont cannot grab their own rear-end with both hands on a good day, a recent informal survey of snow removal in Eastern Washington placed the hapless, struggling, often self-destructive town of Lamont as the top performer when it came to municipal snow removal. "Well, being the mayor of this town has been an experience that will last me a lifetime, let me tell you, but a snow-related honor such as this, unfortunately, is likely to just rile up the local and area folks even more - you just watch. From the feedback we have received so far, one would think that the Town of Lamont paid to have other towns ship their excess snow in here to dump at every major intersection! Oh, the wailing and gnashing of teeth has been deafening, although actual driving conditions after we got done plowing have never been better! Lamont (and the surrounding area, too!! You should never forget those little darlings!) is a town that could be starving and complain about a free Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings! Lamont is a town that, if lost without supplies in the Sahara desert for three days, would complain about the glass of water someone so graciously handed them! Let's face it, we have the largest concentration of nags and bellyachers and nitpickers and general malcontents that you can expect to find anywhere! (and none of these people ever volunteer for a doggone thing, of course! That would just be self-defeating!) But it is nice we have the best-plowed roads, though! I guess I need to brace myself for the complaints about how much money the town spent per capita to make the roads so much nicer than the surrounding towns! I am sure the argument will be that if it is good enough for 'Town X' then why would Lamont do any better than that. Oh, it is always something around here!" he sighed resignedly!

"Well, all I have to say is that I wish the Town did a whole lot better or a whole lot worse!" said Dick Dumas, 56, a local griper extraordinaire. "Anyway, I was walking by the corner of 8th and Spokane Streets and I saw a snowball in the intersection that one of the kids had thrown - just sitting there like some beacon of snowplowing incompetence, so of course I marched right over to that doggone mayor's house to express my quite extensive, multi-layered and ultimately mercurial outrage to him in person! I mean, why was the snowplow not poised right there, just waiting for some errant snowball to be cast into a major intersection in the town? What are they doing over there? If I were the Mayor, I would have a truck dedicated to every stinking intersection in the town to handle just such horrific eventualities! But no, that stupid mayor was just sitting back, waiting for some passing car to go crashing into the baseball sized menace - with the potential loss of life and all of that!" he fumed, working himself up into the third real lather of the day! (The first one had to do with a guest on Oprah and the 2nd one had to do with the unfairness of the lottery - given that he never wins!) "If the town is not going to remove every single flake and clump of snow that just happens to take up residence in this town, then why do they do anything at all? Oh, and they better not be paying for this snow removal, neither! If huge piles of snow are good enough for (Town/City name redacted!), then they are sure as heck good enough for us!" he rambled incoherently, once again arguing both sides of the debate at the same time - as is the nature of the citizenry for miles around! (Don't forget the little darlings!) "Anyway, whatever they do is just plain wrong, that's all! And I know they are doing it just to make me mad - which just serves to make me even madder!" he sputtered like a true paranoiac - spittle flying in a perfect 180 degree arc - thus increasing the accumulated moisture problem that so vexes him!

Nov 29, 2010

Area Mayor Checks Self Into "Psychiatric Institution" To Address Chronic And Long Festering 'Battered Mayor Syndrome'

In a bold move that has mental health professionals across the nation applauding the proactive nature of his actions, an area mayor, applying a somewhat high degree of self-analysis, took an unpaid sabbatical from his largely meaningless and unpaid job in the 2nd smallest town in the State and checked himself into a highly renowned although somewhat creepy regional mental health facility, the decidedly misnamed Charming Acres, late Tuesday. "Well, the caring although oftentimes ghoulish staff at Charming Acres pride ourselves on taking the worst cases imaginable, but when that mayor came staggering in here begging to be admitted, even our seasoned and largely callous staff were taken aback in shock and consternation - actually resulting in 3 employee resignations and one staff member of 26 years unfortunately having himself committed to help overcome the ordeal!" said Nurse Hatchet, a burly and none-too-gentle care giver who is no stranger to the high pressure water hose or that 'hush-hush' electro-shock gadget or whatever. "Anyway, after we managed to calm him down with that tranquilizer gun we got from the zoo supply place and strapped him down (none too gently!) on the cold metal cot in his unheated room (ironically, this arrangement was much more peaceful than the doggone town office!), he began to recount stories of being the mayor of a town where people for miles around hate everything that is ever done, regardless of their personal benefit, and who, if the obviously traumatized mayor is to be believed, exhibit behaviors that are completely outside the confines of even the most basic of human social contexts whatsoever!" she said mournfully, shaking her head although her hair never moved at all due to a quite impressive application of industrial strength hair spray or something. "Oh, it was horrid! Several of our staff members, the ones who resigned, in fact, just happened to be walking down the hall and overheard some of the things that go on in that town/region and even decades of professional training could not prepare them for the nightmarish horror show that he recounted! Oh, and the attending physician, you know, the one who had himself committed, that poor man had to hear all of it! It is a miracle he was not reduced to some vegetative state right there on the spot! I cannot help but shudder at the very thought of that disgusting tale of woe and outrageous ingratitude and nitpicking!" she stammered, crossing herself in a vain attempt to ward off the reflective evil and nastiness!

"So, although one would have thought it impossible for a region in this day and age to be so singularly devoted to chaos and civic disorder, it would appear that any number of people from whatever town/region he comes from is really a throw back to some imaginary wild west scenario where, like the book "Lord of the Flies", people just want to be allowed to tear each other apart and to reduce the town to rubble! Anyway, the mayor, not being from these parts, just naturally assumed that the townsfolk would want to be able to walk down the street without being attacked by dogs or have roving criminals terrorizing the place day and night - so you can imagine his shock when the area 'ruling elite' jumped firmly behind the dysfunction and discord! It would appear that this particular group of individuals, most living outside the town itself, have crafted a unique 'survival of the fittest' scenario where the very basest of human tendencies are applauded while basic constraints that every other town in the State takes for granted are met with scorn and derision! No wonder that poor mayor had such a profound mental event! It has to be like waking up in the middle of a "Twilight Zone" episode or whatever! It just makes me thankful for the town I live in, let me tell you!" she gushed, making a mental note to be considerably less nasty in the town she lives in!!

(Editorial Note: As with any town or other human grouping, the 80-20 principle applies. 80% of the citizenry are quiet, normal, law abiding folks who, as Richard Nixon used to say, are the silent majority - but the remaining 20 percent, the ones who benefit psychologically or materially from being able to bully their way through life at the expense of their neighbors, are any mayor's primary focus. But to have the so-called 'Area Elite" side with the law breakers and the social miscreants seems to be what sets some towns apart from others - and goes a long way to explain why some towns are small and unhappy and the focus of disproportionate Sheriff attention and some are not. It is all a matter of municipal tone - as defined by what is acceptable and what is not - and not having even the most basic of municipal standards for behavior, particularly as it relates to existing state and local laws, is what makes some towns more challenging to govern than others, that's all! We are just thankful this is not a 70-30 town! Big blessings oftentimes come in small packages! Thank you! Oh yeah, special thanks goes to the former 'Rabbit Nose' for the inspiration for this unfortunate tale of woe!!)

Nov 26, 2010

Area Farmer/Rancher Zombies Return From Grave To Help Drag Lamont Back To Highly Undesirable And Profoundly Lawless 'Dark Ages'

In a decidedly unsettling and grisly (although not completely unexpected!) backlash against progress of any kind in the 2nd smallest town in the State, a shockingly organized cabal of the walking undead descended on Lamont in a last-ditch attempt to drag the town back in time to a period where men were men and dogs were allowed to run around biting people - oh yeah, and there weren't all those stinking sidewalks and paved roads strewn all over the place and all the town buildings were unpainted like they should be! Although often painful in the extreme, many if not most small towns experience growing pains related to advancement outside their municipal comfort zone(s), but few regions ever go to the extreme of summoning the walking undead to help sway the scales of progress into the retroactive position, however - as the Lamont area appears to be doing. "Well, we spent our whole lives making sure the Town remained backwards and anarchistic, and I'll be dadburned if I am going to let a little thing like the cold, cruel grave hinder me from taking action as a few city slickers come in and want to pry Lamont from the clutches of complete and total randomness and disorder!" said Jethro Bodine, a formerly deceased farmer/rancher, and the main spokesperson for the wriggling mass of undead cannibals who spend a vast majority of their time stumbling about the place, grunting and groaning and looking for a quick snack of human flesh. "I mean, we did just fine for many decades with no law and order, bad water, gravel roads, an aversion to the Sheriff and all of those other true joys of the rural life, but when that dern elected group over there went all crazy and brought in that stupid library project with an actual flush toilet, (with money provided by the County - the same bunch that provides the doggone Sheriff! What nerve they have!) that is when the alarm bells went off in the very depths of Hell itself and we farmers/ranchers needed to do something really nasty and backward looking - and quick!" he rambled in a mumbling sort of way like zombies tend to do, although speaking fairly clearly for a creature without that whole tongue/upper pallet thing to help form words. "Lamont needs to be left alone to just eventually crumble into the dustbin of history, and although when we were alive we never actually lived within the town itself and certainly never lifted a finger to help improve things, (Oh, Heaven forbid!! Why would they ever do more than complain, anyway?) we still have a vested interest in seeing this long pattern of dysfunction and decay continue uninterrupted, doggone it! Darn that mayor and his big city ways! This modernization thing will not stand! It makes us all look bad and serves to highlight our collective laziness and inertia! We have a false reputation to uphold, doggone it! - you know, that whole salt-of-the-earth, backbone-of-America nonsense and all of that!" he gurgled disgustingly!

"Well, being the mayor of Lamont one can grow accustomed to just about any outrage, but even I was slightly taken aback when our few, well-plowed streets were filled with any number of nightmarish creatures caught between the quick and the dead. At first, I could not figure out what was going on, given that fashions have obviously not changed very much in Lamont over the years, but when one of the undead ghouls accosted me as I was shoveling snow by the fire station and grunted something about Lamont needing to stay in the grips of lawless abandon, I knew that this was slightly different from the normal citizen complaint!" (not very much different, though!) said an area mayor who, after 5 years, has pretty much seen it all! (Oh, the stories he could tell!!) "Somehow Lamont is surrounded by a bunch of folks who have more than a passing interest in opposing every single initiative that any other normal town/region would view as the most basic of civic baselines - but what surprises me is the length that these folks will go to in order to ensure that Lamont remains firmly outside the loving embrace of the modern era! I mean, how can so many folks be against basic human dignity - under the guise of citizen rights and the American dream - particularly when they don't live within the town limits and also because of the fact that with all rights come responsibilities - particularly to those less fortunate in society - like school kids walking to school being free from dog attacks! I just don't get how so many supposed "area leaders" can be so firmly planted on the side of lawlessness and mob justice! It really makes me worry for America in general and rural America in particular! But, that is just all in a days work when you are the mayor of the 2nd smallest town in the State, I guess!" he sighed resignedly, returning to his largely ineffectual snow shoveling. "I bet that doggone Long Beach doesn't have this problem! I imagine Long Beach's citizens would complain about lawlessness of any kind - not vice-versa! Oh, maybe they are better than we are, after all!" he murmured (pathetically) under his breath so no one could hear him utter those forbidden words!

Nov 24, 2010

Lamont Unveils New Town Motto To Ride Crest Of 'Modernization Tsunami' Into Intimidating And Largely Unnecessary 21st Century

The lowly and largely misunderstood Town of Lamont, known for miles around as the town that cannot, even under the most decidedly favorable conditions, grab its own rear-end with both hands, has thrown convention onto the manure pile and is attempting to do what is known in the 'outside world' as a bit of branding - a marketing term that has something to do with institutions or products or something like that. (Hey, how can branding not be associated with cows? That just seems crazy to me!) The lowly Lamont, known until recent years as the town without houseplants given the formerly outrageously bad state of the town water system after decades of neglect and inaction (Thank you USDA and CBDG and Century West Engineering for helping us rectify this situation!!) has decided that it needs a new slogan - a new moniker, if you will, to help capture the current unsettling energy and verve that seems to be gripping the town by the throat in the last few, quite painful years. "Well, nothing pains us more as a town than positive change, (The negative kind seems okay, however!) but it is high time that the town dust off its tarnished and largely disreputable (yet well-deserved!) past and take several teetering baby steps towards the modern era, for Pete's sake!!" said an area mayor with more than a dash of cringing fear and trepidation. "Sure, that whole unfortunate houseplant reputation thing was a little embarrassing, and, sure, since our founding in 1910 we have been affectionately known across the Palouse as the epicenter of pungent and often overwhelming halitosis, (not to mention those other unfortunate, largely bovine-related odors! Whoa!!) but we need to update our decidedly well-deserved image to embrace the future, however unsettling and unnerving that may seem!" he said with far less enthusiasm than is normally shown by even an innocent man being unceremoniously frog-marched thru the snow to the waiting gallows. "So, our new town slogan "Lamont - Where Fair To Middling Is The Best We Can Ever Hope For!" seems to capture some of the new hope and possibility that Lamont is trying to parley into new residents and maybe even a single, solitary store or coffee shop or whatever!" he rambled on annoyingly - never being one to shy away from aspiring to even the most unreachable of pipe dreams (Come on! Lamont with a store? How insane is that?) or clinging desperately to the most ridiculous and far-fetched of forlorn hopes!

"Well, given that Lamont is the town that never quite managed to paint their one, single, solitary building - the Fire Station/Town Hall in 60+ years, it goes without saying that running around changing things and improving stuff before it just collapses into a heap of smoldering ruin runs counter to the prevailing farm wisdom for miles around - so this bold, brave step into that whole 're-branding' thing is bound to be as unpopular as all of the other 'big city' things we have done in the last few years, but maybe it is time for people to begin to quit clinging onto a failed and dismal past that somehow catapulted us into the quite unenviable position as the 2nd smallest town in the State!" he blathered on endlessly as he tends to do when anyone, however remote, seems to be paying even a modicum of attention to him. "I mean, we are still facing a simmering citizen revolt from when we instituted a new, largely tooth-less dog ordinance several years back because some people think it is their God-given right to let their animals attack school children walking to school (some of them thought this way, anyway!) - and naturally we still have any number of people who won't walk on the new sidewalks (Thank you Greg Partch and the TIB!! Our new roads are beautiful!) because they preferred the dusty, unreliable gravel roads and view their embarrassing, archaic, illogical behavior as some gallant form of civic protest akin to flying the flag at half mast in moments of national tragedy or grief (ironically, the biting dog people and the sidewalk people tend to come from the same families! Go figure!!) - oh yeah, and don't forget those folks who don't want a new library because all that fancy book learning, as everyone knows, is a razor-sharp arrow in the devil's quiver - but still we must move on - however tentatively and reluctantly this advancement may appear to others!" he gushed fearfully, glancing about as if expecting some piano or anvil or whatever to come tumbling out of the sky onto his somewhat thinning hair/head! (Yes, the cartoon "The Roadrunner" is now the official Town cartoon - having replaced "Scooby-Doo" just last year in another one of those controversial mayoral initiatives to help modernize the place!)

(Editorial Note: This new Lamont motto, although falsely modest and largely discombobulated like everything that Lamont does, is still vastly inferior to that doggone Long Beach's motto, that rambles on about being a really fun place to live and vacation - and something about having stores or whatever! That is just like them! Having to have some logical, contextually accurate, easy to remember motto that is much more enjoyable to read than the Lamont motto. Darn their beady little eyes - and their stupid motto, too. That is all we have to say on the matter! Thank you!)

Nov 14, 2010

Lamont Releases Provocative And Alluring 2011 Calendar Featuring Local Beauties - Area Puritanical Do-Gooders Up In Arms!

For the 34th year in a row, the Town of Lamont, never one to shy away from controversy and often finding itself on the cutting edge of every avant-garde social movement and/or fad that comes down the pike, has produced yet another socially stunning and controversial calendar that leaves very little to the imagination when it comes to a shameless exhibition of the female form, (On the hoof, anyway!!) insiders report. This said calendar, (Editorial Note: The dern thing only has 12 pages, for some reason!! What cheapskates!), quite shockingly displays a disturbing level of actual exposed female flesh, thus obviously attempting to draw on the more prurient segments of the farmer/rancher calendar reading audience. "Well, as if we didn't have enough reason to want to run off all half-cocked and crazy acting - but now that dern Mayor pretty much leaves us with no dadburn choice!" said Dodo Festoon, an area farm wife and notorious gossip/busybody/snoot-bag. "It is a crying shame that half the dern rancher wives in these parts let their cows run around half naked, but to capture this outrageous indecency with one of them fancy cameras and to plaster this moral outrage all over some two-bit calendar for everyone without a lick of sense to gawk at just seems contrary to the very moral fibers that this country now so sorely lacks, if you ask me!" she fumed, looking slightly less insane with her blushing, obviously embarrassed cheeks helping to draw attention away from her cold, reptilian eyes that are as dead and lifeless as a shark's.

"I remember a time when any farm/ranch wife worthy of the name would spend those long, cold winter months inside the house, knitting each one of the cows a shawl or sweater or covering of some kind. But now, it would seem that every farm wife within 20 miles of the place spends all their time running down the town and partaking in shameless gossip and back-biting in a vain attempt to somehow derail all them 'big city' changes that are taking place in Lamont - and I'd be surprised if nary a stitch has been joined together this whole year in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA)!! It's a crying shame, I tell you!" she screeched, spittle flying in every direction! "If the Good Lord wanted our cows to run around in their dadburn birthday suits, He wouldn't have invented knitting, now would he?" said the biblical and reason-challenged battle-ax with real, hardly concealed anger management problems! "Oh, and anyone who would look at that sort of thing, much less hang it on the doggone wall, just needs their head examined, for Pete's sake! This country is sick, I already knew that, but I just had no idea how sick it really was!" she concluded with more than her usual generous helping of unbridled lunacy, while failing to note, quite ironically, that she, too, has not managed to knit one measly cow shawl or festive, brightly colored poncho or whatever - particularly since that doggone mayor took over - with all them 'Big City Ways' - because there just ain't enough hours in the day to knit and viciously slander the Mayor at the same time, now are there? (Editorial Note: And don't we know that fact, too!! Oh, where does the time go, anyway? And let's be honest here, who wants to just sit around knitting like some Geritol-taking granny when there is some serious slandering to do? I mean, come on!)

Nov 9, 2010

Politically Powerful 'Lamont Bovine Association' Condemns That Doggone Long Beach For Exploiting Cows For Cheap and Tawdry Political Gain

A local bovine support organization lowered its horns and is prepared to charge after an inflammatory photo began to circulate around Lamont - the origin of said photo being that doggone show-off Long Beach, if shameless rumors are to be believed! This unsavory display of bovine humiliation can only serve to raise the already fever-pitch tensions between Lamont, a small, disorderly, largely mission-less (and laggardly!) town in the Palouse and the bright, nicely planned, refreshing, well-managed and tourist friendly Mecca where the beautiful people with actual money go on vacation - yes, that stupid Long Beach itself!

"Well, that is all I need right now! Oh, that is all I need!" whined an area Mayor who has enough on his plate, wearing the shame of being the Mayor of the 2nd smallest town in the State that doesn't even have a public restroom, let alone any stores - not even a 'Quick Stop' or a measly 'newspaper stand'!! "Oh yeah, like my life is not already filled with crushing levels of self-doubt, simmering self-esteem issues and a general propensity towards feelings of claustrophobic doom! So, of course, amidst that foul gumbo of the basest of human emotions, in trots that dadburn Long Beach, having to stir up our easily excitable and potentially explosive bovine boosters who really only have one local target of choice - yours truly himself! Thanks loads, Long Beach! Oh yeah, that's just peachy!!!" he sniveled while shaking his fist in the general direction of the Pacific Ocean!

"So, there I was, minding my own business, acting like I wasn't home like I usually do when I am, in fact, at home - and the next thing I knew both my front door and back door began to heave under the pounding of the truly motivated and/or potentially criminally insane - so what could I do? Anyway, when I tried to shamelessly slip out the side window in a vain attempt to slither on my belly out to the barn in the tall grass I had neglected to mow in over a month (of Sundays!) I ended up nose to nose with that fearsome Jethro Festoon (and his goons!), the acting President of the Lamont Bovine Association himself. And even before the whiskey breath hit me in the face like a 30 pound salmon that had been left in the sun for too long, he proceeded to shove that stupid Long Beach photo in my face, demanding some sort of feeble explanation from me or some pound of flesh or whatever! What could I say to the man? I have done my best for over two years to dismantle that stupid seaside wonderland and vacation paradise brick by brick, so how is it my fault that they are basically impervious to my pathetic yet persistent barbs! They are inhuman or superhuman or whatever! Hey, I really need some help there! Just when I think I have gained the upper hand, or maybe even the upper finger, even for an hour or two, (Okay, those poorly chosen words, regardless of the largely inarticulate symbolism they pretend to convey, seem to border on some obscene hand gesture that the Lamont Blog cannot approve of! This is a family friendly blog, for Pete's sake!) that doggone Gayle Borchard comes trotting in, all chipper and happy and glowing from some new and hideous planning success for her City, and begins throwing her strategically placed little photographic hand grenades all over the place and the next thing you know I am politically blown to smithereens onto the wastes of Adams County! (except for the ground Lamont is situated on, Whitman County doesn't have any wastelands!) Oh, like I don't have enough issues on my plate without having to constantly be bested by some outrageous City that I have only been to twice! (In fact, he has been there a few more times than that - usually in disguise!) Don't I already carry the crushing, cumulative shame and humiliation of any ten men, being the thankless Mayor of Lamont and all? All I have to say is "Thanks, Long Beach! Your timing is superb, as always!!! And, oh yeah, darn your beady little eyes, too!" he concluded before dragging his spare bed down into the root cellar where no one will hopefully look for him - at least not for a little while, anyway! (And by that time maybe they will be sobered up! Doubtful, but a man can dream, can't he?)

Nov 8, 2010

Area Mayor Goes All "Gangsta" In Concerted Attempt To Reach Out To Fast-Growing (and annoying!) Rapper Segment Of Local Citizenry

In a bold move to provide robust and nuanced mayoral leadership to every segment of the 2nd smallest citizenry in the state, an area mayor bought outrageously baggy pants, spent the last of his savings at a Spokane jewelry pawn shop and altered his normal speech patterns in order to reach out to the disturbingly fast-growing 'Rap sub-culture' in the town, late Tuesday. "Yo! Word to your mother! What up, dude?" said an area mayor, who unfortunately still sounds like some Russian guy and not a genuine rapper - at least not the ones on TV. (Editorial Note: Oh great! We at the Lamont Blog thought that that whole Russian accent thing when the mayor was acting like a pirate was bad enough - but a Russian rapper! Oh, the humanity!! Maybe we should move down the road and become the Sprague Blog, or maybe even the St. John Blog! (St. John is really the best managed small town in Washington!) This is just too much for even us to take! A Blog has to have some community standards, after all! Thank you!) "Well, I have to reach out to my 'peeps', yo! I am so down with that! Public acknowledgment and understanding is the 'gin and juice" of our democracy, yo! Word!" he rambled on annoyingly, still sounding like Checkov from Star Trek, but only in baggy pants that show his underwear! Checkov would have been booted off the show if he would have showed up wearing pants like that. Even the Klingons would never have been caught dead in duds like that! I mean, come on!

"Well, although I understand the sentiment and all, I just cannot see how a middle-aged, balding, horizontally-challenged mayor can ever hope to pull off some hopefully passing fad that originated in Los Angeles or whatever" said Wilber Snopes, 64, an area farmer/rancher. "I mean, anyone who has ever seen the mayor read the water meters knows full well that he is no stranger to baggy pants, but we all just assumed that he was imitating a plumber and all of the unfortunate symbolism that that entails. So, I guess if you think of it, that jump to being a rapper, whatever that means, is not a very big one - but seeing less of the mayor's backside is a worthy goal I think we all can share. But all that big clunky jewelry! Rings on every finger and that big "M" medallion hanging from his neck like he was that "Flav-a-Flav" or whoever that weird guy is! (The 'M' stands for Mayor!) I believe he calls it 'bling', but I call it stupid! That is all just so crazy! And I won't even mention his new gold tooth with a map of Whitman County worked right in there! Oh, that is just so wrong! I just feel strongly that we, as a town, should not be encouraging that sort of thing, that's all! But the last straw was all of those "Yo momma is so fat' jokes that he tells now! He may be attempting to reach out to the 'rapper' segment of the population, but he is sure alienating the easily slighted and long-remembering 'farm wife' one with those poorly chosen although oftentimes very apt and downright funny jokes! Oh, why cannot Lamont just go back to being Lamont - you know, the town with aggressive roving dogs, no public restrooms, and where certain crime families were allowed to run amok terrorizing the citizenry at will - without any of the 'so-called good citizens' lifting a finger to stop them and protect the innocent residents from this anarchy. Now that was the historical Lamont that we could all love - not this town that is pirate one week and rapper the next! Somehow we just need to be who we are, that's all!" he concluded stoically while hiking up his pants to make darn sure no one can see his underwear, doggone it!

(Editorial Note: For the record, the most awesome Clerk/Treasurer in the continental USA in this age and any other, Cheryl Loeffler of Fairfield fame, has completely refused to participate in this latest town 'rapper' phase, although she did manage a few 'arrghh's' when Lamont was going thru its thankfully short-lived pirate stage - although she did draw the line on wearing an eye patch to the town meeting(s). Cheryl, a refreshing addition to the Lamont team, however, has shown more open skepticism towards that whole 'rapper' thing, and has even been seen turning the blaring Town radio (we are too small to own a boom-box!) away from the Spokane rap station - and onto some radio station that plays a much less hip and phat blend of music that doesn't even come close to capturing the spirit of the streets! We still appreciate her anyway. Sadly, any hope of her getting one of her teeth capped with a map of Whitman County seems remote at best, especially since she lives and works in Spokane County. No one is perfect, we guess!)

Nov 6, 2010

The Ever-Intensifying Lamont/Long Beach Tussle Follows Historical Agrarian/Urban Conflict Model, Says Egghead Area Anthropologist

In a tale of woe, sadness, shame and intrigue as old as the institution of agriculture itself, the current simmering cultural conflict between the small, struggling, store-less, disturbingly dysfunctional Town of Lamont and the vibrant, lively, energetic and extremely well-managed City of Long Beach appears to follow the natural course of historical human cultural development, says Dr. Winston Peabody III, a renowned cultural anthropologist from BSU. According to Dr. Peabody, as far back as the human record goes, small, isolated, inward-looking, shockingly self-absorbed agricultural communities have traditionally fallen prey to societies that either had too much energy, brains, talent, social prowess and/or general martial gumption to stay tied to the same piece of land year after year. And, of course, given that everyone does have to eat on a regular basis, if you, as a society, could make some dramatic raid once a year, preferably right after harvest, and abscond with someone else's vittles that you didn't have to work in the hot sun for, that was a pretty sweet deal, assuming you didn't get stabbed in the gut with a pitchfork or something. (The farmer types never really warmed to this quite necessary although somewhat limiting (for them!) cultural development, needless to say!)

"Anyway, if you think of all of the most dynamic cultures in the history of mankind, the ones we tend to admire and venerate were the ones who tended to bonk their neighbors on the head, take their food, and move on to repeat the process on some other hapless victim down the road or whatever" said Dr. Peabody III. "If you think of those exciting Vikings, the amazingly organized Romans, Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan - you could just go right down the list - all of them didn't just sit around the place watching the wheat grow and worrying if the cow was going to have a normal birth! Heck no! They were men and women of action - the builders and shapers of all the things that we hold in high regard, even today. I mean, who wants a hero who is well known for getting up at 3:30 AM every morning to milk a cow and, as an after thought, scoop manure out of a stall? Where is the glamour in that? Look at those doggone British. They come from a relatively small island off the coast of Europe and they conquered the whole dern world, almost. How can you sail around the world, thumping other cultures on the head and swiping their stuff if you have to be home in time for the 2nd milking of the day? It just doesn't make any sense! So yes, there are winners and losers in this world, and history has favored those who can break out of tradition, embrace change and adapt to evolving circumstances. So, if you look at this whole Lamont/Long Beach dust-up in that light, this really goes a long way to explaining those tensions. Oh yeah, and if I were you, I would put my money on Long Beach. The smart money is always on the pirate-personality types versus those who just want to poke around the barn, milking and shoveling manure and watching the wheat grow. That is just the natural order of things, that's all! Don't blame me! I am just the messenger of the obvious, for Pete's sake!" he concluded sagely.

(Editorial Note: Well, we at the Lamont Blog, especially since we live in an agrarian portion of the Great State of Washington, cannot endorse bonking anyone on the head, unless, of course, that somehow excludes bonking people from Idaho on the head. Bonking Idahoans on the head is a healthy, rewarding pastime, and if we somehow inadvertently happen to bring home a few potatoes in the process, that is completely different from some Viking warship docking on our shores and going berserk all over the place or some stupid pirate galleon pillaging us on the high seas and making everyone walk the plank!! When it comes to bonking someone on the head, as the Good Book says, it is indeed better to give than to receive! As long as it is not Long Beach bonking us on the head. That is just wrong on just about every conceivable level. Thank you!)

Nov 5, 2010

Nation Stunned, Pensive As Lamont Officially "Crosses the Rubicon" Into The Frightening 20th Century (Yes, we have high speed internet now!)

The lowly and laggardly Town of Lamont, a municipal incorporation that has turned holding onto the past into a genuine art form, stunned the entire nation by shamelessly adopting a communication technology most often used by 'them big city people' - yes, Lamont is now connected to the World Wide Web (WWW, whatever that is!) via a stunningly fast 'high speed internet connection'. This town, best known as the human settlement that didn't actually get their first vehicle powered by the internal combustion engine for 98 years (sadly, this is all true!), is well known for rejecting modernity as 'the fruits of the devil', so those 'in the know' cannot help but be shocked by their quite reckless and 'devil-may-care' adoption of a communication protocol that does not require people to wait about 5 doggone minutes to pull up a simple Google page, for Pete's sake! "Well, let's just say that we started leaving our municipal 'comfort zone' just about the time they started making buggy whips with those stupid man-made fibers worked in there and all!" said an area Mayor who considers his toaster to be an advanced piece of electronic equipment (Well, it does use them electroid things or whatever!) "Anyway, as you all know, Lamont now has the most awesome Clerk/Treasurer in the history of the whole doggone world, that Cheryl Loeffler of Fairfield fame (she really is pretty darn awesome! What a God-send she is!), and she has worked out this whole remote connectivity thing or whatever, don't ask me, anything more advanced than sticking your head out the front door and hollering seems like voodoo mischief to me - but she was doing this via dial-up and it was taking forever to do basic things, so she brought high speed connectivity up in our last meeting and, amazingly enough, the Council went for it! I am 99.99% sure they had no idea what they were agreeing to, I know I sure didn't, but I made one quick call to that totally awesome (And understanding! And patient! And able to work effectively with the technology challenged!) RitzCom communications and the next thing I knew all them computer pages were just flying up on the screen like a Banshee queen or whatever" he gushed ignorantly!

"Well, given that the world is going to hell in a hand basket and that this certainly matches all the biblical signs for the "End Times", we in the bible prophecy community have kept a close eye on Lamont as some sort of 'bell-weather' for the global apocalypse and all" said Rev. Wilber Leadbottom, a renowned area biblical scholar. "So, needless to say, when Lamont went hog wild and bought that fancy truck/snow plow we pretty much knew that that whole Rapture thing was right around the corner. But leaving dial-up for high speed internet pretty much lets the faithful the world over know that we may only have hours or days left of this earthly burden! Repent, you sinners, repent!" he bellowed, shaking his fist menacingly. "I mean, if you cannot count on Lamont being a century or two behind the rest of the nation, then I am not certain that we can trust the very ground under our feet! Oh, and I still don't see what was wrong with Nellie, the Lamont town mule! Sure, she did tend to leave 'road apples' in front of the Mayor's mailbox and all, and she did have that little 'kicking problem', but she sure could clean out a ditch in record time and as a watchdog she was beyond compare. But no, Lamont had to go get all fancy and buy a modern vehicle! (pronounced 'veee-hick-el). Oh, times, they are a-changin'!!! he concluded solemnly before throwing salt over his shoulder 3 times and spitting to ward off the 'evil eye'!

Nov 3, 2010

Shock Study: Area Mayor's Hairline Continues To Decrease At An Increasing Rate!

In a sad, genuinely disturbing state of affairs that has Town leaders contemplating drastic and possibly extra-constitutional action, (if for no other reason than to save what is left of the Town's tattered reputation) an area mayor's hairline, although less than impressive when he took office five years ago, has begun to recede at such an alarming rate that drastic action is now mandated, insiders report. "Well, I don't know how to put this gently, but if I was an advertising agency specializing in billboards, that doggone mayor's forehead would be prime real estate!" said Wilber Snopes, an area farmer/rancher who lives outside of town but who has lived in the area for so long that he feels that he should have a direct say in the internal affairs of the town. "I mean, we have so few visitors as it is, but to expose the few that we do get to that expanding mass of pasty white skin just seems to be less than neighborly, that's all. What is wrong with having a mayor who you don't have to wear sunglasses around when having a casual chat out of doors? I just cannot believe that the human forehead has that much actual surface area, that's all!" he said with genuine wonderment!

"Well, I know with all of those protective employment classes the government has foisted on us, it may not be legal to run off an elected official for shocking levels of hair loss while in office, but it is worth a shot, anyway!" said Elma Festoon, an area farm wife and a woman who knows the pain of hair loss due to bi-monthly perms for the last 40+ years. (she is only 44 years old!!!). "Anyway, Lamont has an image to uphold, and having our point representative running about the place blinding residents and visitors alike just runs contrary to the image we are trying to project, that's all! It was bad enough when he was the first mayor in town history that didn't sport the Lamont trademark 'mono-brow' (even the women mayors!) - so it took us several years to get used to that unsettling patch of skin between his eyes - but this whole forehead thing is just a little too much for public sensibilities, if you ask me!" she stammered indignantly! "I guess that that whole 'separate, distinct, individualized eyebrow' thing and that whole expanding forehead debacle are probably manifestations of that mayor's 'big city ways' - but this is the rural Palouse and we just prefer huge tufts of hair covering 90 percent of the human form in our elected officials, that's all."

(Editorial Note: We at the Lamont Blog do not discriminate against the follicle-challenged and thus cannot support the sentiments or opinions expressed here. Just because some poor schlub is developing a 'chrome-dome' is no reason to boot them out of office, although the potential for reduced eye-strain is attractive on so many levels. Maybe instead of one of those 'comb-overs' that seem to be so popular in these parts, the mayor could attempt a "comb-straight-down' or something, thus reducing the town's total UV exposure rate by as much as 60%!! But what do we know?) (Oh yeah, and none of our female mayors ever had a 'mono-brow' - not that we know about, anyway!)

Oct 29, 2010

Totally Awesome City Of Sprague Saves The Day On Lamont's New Library Septic System

The City of Sprague, a little gem of a city nestled right on Interstate 90 in the often under appreciated Lincoln County, WA - rose quite admirably to the occasion when Lamont, a mere town that can barely grab its own rear end with both hands, was faced with a vexing dilemma when applying for a septic system permit for their first ever public restroom. As luck would have it, the quite excellent Whitman County Health Department, just one of the many quite excellent Whitman County departments that Lamont gets to work with on a regular basis, required that Lamont provide a backhoe to dig the test holes for the new septic system for the new library that Lamont is attempting to build (Lamont is the only town in Whitman County without a real library - or so the scuttle-butt goes!). "Well, when I heard that we needed a piece of heavy machinery, of course, my blood turned to ice water!" said a so-called area mayor who tends to get all fidgety when faced with situations outside the routine. "Anyway, after my initial panic subsided and I was able to think clearly, well, clearly for me, anyway - I realized that we were either doomed or somehow we needed a miracle - and that miracle came on the wings of an angel called Sprague" he said dramatically while gazing thankfully at the Heavens!

"So, I called one of the top-notch Sprague employees who does some work for Lamont and he placed a call to Sprague's quite capable and obviously resourceful mayor - who, after researching the legal foundations of such a transaction (Mental note to self: Must remember to check out all that legal stuff in the future. Must attempt to be more like the Sprague mayor!) agreed to help out Lamont with the backhoe. Oh, I almost passed out with my relief! I mean, Sprague is over 5 times the size of Lamont and they even have stores! The fact that they would condescend to help the hapless Lamont just goes to show that there is still goodness in this cold, selfish world! In fact, this whole process is leading to a formal 'Mutual Assistance Pact' between the two incorporated entities (another great idea from that quite excellent Sprague mayor. Mental Note to self: Must have more good ideas like the Sprague mayor!) Oh, and to think that they are even in a different County! I'm sorry, I am just all choked up!!" he sniffled, wiping away a rare tear! (and not the crocodile variety, either!)

(Editorial Note: We at the Lamont Blog cannot help but notice the irony that an entirely different town, located 8-9 miles away, would play such a pivotal role in helping Lamont get their first public restroom in over 100 years! (Why couldn't Lamont be that motivated for Lamont's first public restroom? Inquiring minds want to know!) One cannot help but wonder if they were just embarrassed to be situated next-door to a town with such a well-trodden history of failure in the "public restroom department", who knows! Lamont, well known for outrageous levels of dysfunction and a decided lack of cohesion, is, if nothing else, a loyal, thankful town - and a gesture like this from Sprague will make us as loyal as a faithful (and house broken) Labrador Retriever (raised from a puppy!) or whatever. The whole town of Lamont extends their heart-felt thanks to the whole City of Sprague - and we would like to thank them for having a gas station and a quite excellent grocery store, too! And that mayor of theirs! Oh, how did they get so lucky while Lamont just seems to be so cursed? Inquiring minds want to know!)

Oct 28, 2010

Long Beach Threatens Some Hideous Pirate Invasion - Lamont Goes To Largely Ineffectual "War Footing"!

(Editorial Note: This article will make absolutely no sense unless you have followed recent past articles - and then it still might not make any sense. But, in order to capture the sheer inanity of the Lamont Blog, it is essential to read it regularly. Thank you!) As something that can only happen in the lowly and decidedly kooky Town of Lamont, the Lamont Blog, acting as an honest although clumsy communication agent, seems to have started some mini-civil war or something because of some dumb article, addressing the very real challenges of attracting tourists in these challenging financial times, somehow came up with a line of drivel that inadvertently included pirates, and that doggone Long Beach, as is often there nature, somehow became offended because they, of course, have a large percentage of their population who claim active pirate parentage (seriously, they have entire pirate organizations over there and all!), and thus, to save their municipal honor (something Lamont has never had to worry about!), threatened the cowardly and poltroon-like Town of Lamont with some pirate-like invasion or whatever.

"Well, given that we are the 2nd smallest town in the State and nothing of any note ever really happens here - we feel honor bound and tied to the wings of destiny to over-react to this largely humorous and decidedly playful threat with characteristic overkill and general municipal excess!" said an area Mayor who still, after several days or weeks of practice, sounds more like that Russian "Checkov" guy from Star Trek than he does a half way decent pirate worthy of the name or whatever! "Heck, Lamont has no choice but to go on a 'war footing' and we have already called up all of our reserves which, fortunately or unfortunately for us, consists largely of our 4-legged friends - those Bullyboys of the Bovine Brigade - yes, the area cattle herds themselves! (Well, when you have less than 100 people, no stores and cannot even manage the organizational baseline to put in a truly public bathroom in 100 years, a town must oftentimes resort to desperate measures! Plus, all that free milk on the front lines can only help improve the morale of our beleaguered and skittish troops!). "Anyway, our plan of defense consists of 3 basic tenants. 1) We will lay a quite extensive 'cow patty' minefield to the west of town, thus hampering an unfettered approach by the said pirates, who aren't used to operating on land and all. Thankfully for us, Lamont is now and always has been one big cow patty minefield, so that doesn't really require that much effort on our part. 2) We have any number of volunteers (all bovines, given the cowardly nature of our citizenry!) who will dress up as and thus infiltrate the pirate ranks, hopefully sowing discord and getting in a few head butts at some critical juncture in the battle. These, of course, will be led by that rebel leader of some renown, the quite capable and cleverly disguised "Moo-Beard' himself! And finally, 3) Of course we will surrender and beg for mercy! Being Lamont, we have long ago learned that showing complete submission to the outside world, with all the requisite groveling and sniveling, is one darn effective survival strategy! So, bring it on, yea nave-like pirate rabble! "We've a surprise or two tucked up our big, puffy sleeves - like some hidden pirate dagger or whatever!" he concluded embarrassingly, once again sounding more like some Russian peasant from "War and Peace" than the burly spawn of the scourge of the seas - descendants of the once proud Bluebeard himself!! (Editorial Note: For the record, we at the Lamont Blog stole the name "Moo-Beard' from the internet as a somewhat lackluster play off of 'Bluebeard', so all shame and ridicule belongs with the original author and not with us. Thank you!)

Oct 26, 2010

Recent Heavy Rains Finally Allow Lamont To Go 'Head to Head" With That Doggone Long Beach For Precious Tourist Dollars!!

In a long overdue reprieve sent by the very Heavens themselves, the lowly and shockingly delusional Town of Lamont, in a moment of deranged euphoria, launched an aggressive public relations campaign to bring those ever finicky tourists (whatever they are!!) to the 2nd smallest town in Washington (and smallest in Whitman County!!) - as opposed to having them drive all the way across the State to luxuriate in that highly overrated Pacific Ocean with all that stupid fresh seafood and where those sea breezes blow without even the slightest hint of cow manure whatsoever! "Well, as they say, every dog has its day - so in your face Long Beach!!" bellowed an area mayor from the main attraction in Lamont's new push for tourist dollars - the supposed 'beach' nestled right up against some sluggish stream in the recently dubbed (and highly dubious!) "Pacific Gulch". "Sure, Lamont has been basically obliterated over and over again by that stupid Long Beach because they have an actual beach and a real ocean and all - oh yeah, and they have really nice citizens and - of course, they have stores - oh, and they have high speed internet - but that shocking disparity is about to be a thing of the unfortunate to say nothing of quite embarrassing past! With the opening of 'Lamont Beach' nestled in the beautiful "Pacific Gulch", I just know that we will harvest our share of those folks who are not afraid of being contaminated by "outsiders with all them big city ways" (unlike the typical Lamont area citizen!) and who are looking for a relaxing place to visit as our world basically goes to hell in a hand-basket!" he stammered insanely, using sweeping hand gestures to draw attention to what amounts to some muddy bog slowly flowing thru a less than impressive portion of the forbidding and somewhat hellish wasteland known as the "Scablands"! (The nightmarish Scablands run right next to Lamont - the full length of town - in fact!! - oh yeah, life is fair!)

"Well, I am indeed more than a little embarrassed by my inherent gullibility, but I had to drive out to Lamont to see what all the fuss was about!" said Edgar Fullerton, 56, a Spokane resident. "I, for one, could not believe that any town, let alone one in the Continental USA, could possibly trumpet such an obviously pathetic display of human incompetence supposedly designed to foster actual although limited human enjoyment - but sadly my vain hopes for the better angels of our national nature were dashed to the ground and stomped flat by the outrageous Town of Lamont, who obviously has no compunction against shamelessly marketing a tattered sow's ear as a shiny silk purse. I just want to tell that mayor, whoever he is, and, believe me, I use the term 'mayor' loosely, 'Sir, I have been to Long Beach - and this pitiful excuse for some third rate tourist sideshow is not within a million miles of that relaxing vacation wonderland! (Ouch! That was a little harsh - however well-deserved and true!) As I said, I have been to Long Beach, and you, Lamont, are no Long Beach! And as if I needed any more proof, Lamont has obviously gone well over 100 years with no civic planning whatsoever, while Long Beach is one of the best planned small coastal cities on the entire Pacific seaboard! (Darn Gayle Borchard, the Long Beach City Planner, and her twinkling little eyes, too!!) Shame on you and your cruel ruse to fool the citizenry just looking for some small, relaxing reprieve from their daily grind of toil and woe, sir! Oh yeah, and when I needed to use the public facilities after drinking a double espresso I bought in Cheney, since I heard Lamont does not even have a store, I had to drive to Sprague - 9 miles away!!! What is with that?" he said cruelly, drawing attention to the fact that in 100 years Lamont and the surrounding area never managed the organizational fortitude to put in a public toilet! "Shame on you, Lamont...! May shame infest your municipal fibers like the fleas of 1000 camels! (Okay, some creepy Arabian curse is certainly uncalled for at this juncture!) I now need to take a vacation in Long Beach just to calm myself down and to get the smell of those unfortunate cow byproducts out of my nose and clothes and hair!" he concluded indignantly, as if beating that proverbial dead horse long after municipal rigor mortis had actually set in would do any good at this point!! Oh, when will the world learn that Lamont is Lamont, and they ain't changing for time, tide, and for no man, neither!

Oct 22, 2010

Lamont's Favorite Parrot Rescue Person Takes Parrot Rescue Craft To Whole New Level

In a bold move that leaves parrot owners the world over standing their slack jawed with awe and admiration, an area parrot rescue aficionado, a certain Erika of Century West Engineering fame, (AKA - The uber-goddess of efficiency!) has thrown aside convention and has committed herself to what can only be described (by laymen!) as "extreme parrot rescue', insiders report. This said Erika, never one to be shy in the face of almost insurmountable challenges and daunting impossibilities, is no longer satisfied with the more traditional yet decidedly honorable pursuits of rescuing parrots from households who either bit off more than they could chew when it came to acquiring one of the smartest animals in the Good Lord's menagerie and/or had changing life circumstances that no longer allowed for owning this type of magnificent pet - and now Erika desires to 'push the envelope' to the next level, whatever that means! Erika, who at one time had as many as 16 of the forlorn, feathered wonders under her care - saved from lives of misery and despair - (some were received in decidedly tragic states that required a level of love, understanding and compassion that we at the Lamont Blog can hardly fathom!), now wants to boldly go where no parrot rescue person has ever gone before - which, if you ask us, would have seemed to be having 16 parrots in various stages of mental and physical health, but what do we know?

"Well, first off, when I was talking to Erika the other day, she kind of outlined her tentative plans to me, and to be quite honest, the whole discussion left me filled with awe and trepidation" said an area man who once was given a mere parakeet as a kid, with less than flattering results - mainly for the parakeet, poor thing! "Anyway, as we all know, the beaks of the average parrot are in fact strong enough to break a finger with very little effort, should the feathered wonders ever take a mind to do such a thing. But Erika, who has risked various digits over the years, has decided to upgrade to the Hyacinth Macaw, a magnificent specimen with a beak crushing potential of 10,000 pounds of pressure per square inch - a bite similar in power to a hyena and capable of quite easily breaking a human forearm without breaking a sweat, assuming parrots even sweat or whatever! Whoa! What gumption! What spunk! What mastery in the face of almost certain dismemberment! Oh, just hearing her plans made me curl up in the fetal position and whimper like a dadburn school girl or whatever" said the outrageous sissy who is still recovering from that time a bat flew inside the collar of his shirt and it took six men and a mule to hold him down in order to get the poor thing out of there and released unharmed into the wild again!

"Oh yeah, and she was telling me about the time she was bonding with her rambunctious 9 month old baby African Grey (Luna) (African Grey parrots are reported to be as smart as human 5-year-olds) who was having a ball frolicking across her shoulders, down her arms, off the side of her head, where ever the darn aviary adventurer could get a good hold. Anyway, she was sitting there chatting away and the doggone bird charged into her face and stuffed her head into the stunned Erika's obviously occupied mouth... I'm talking Luna's WHOLE head went in there! No joke. Erika thought she just wanted a kiss or to play with her teeth (Editorial Note: Although shocking, it would appear that baby parrots have this huge fascination with teeth. Whoa! How totally unique is that!). So the baby birds head is in Erika's open mouth (talk about gob smacked!) and, well, she obviously couldn't close it... then the doggone thing starts mumbling something while briefly examining Erika's excellent dental work (given Century West's quite excellent employee benefits plan!) with a keen, practiced eye, then it pops its head out, looks at the open-mouthed and totally stunned assemblage with a look of mischievous delight and I'll be derned if the crazy bird didn't begin laughing uproariously! Talk about a loving and understanding person who understands man's role in protecting the animals! (and what a crazy, kooky bird!) Oh, but that whole unsettling story about things that fly all around the place was all a little too much for me, let me tell you" said the annoying whiner while glancing over his shoulder as if expecting another unprovoked and decidedly unwelcome bat attack at any moment! (Oh, be a man already!)