Dec 23, 2011

After Recent Blockbuster Success, Hollywood Considers Lamont-Based Movie Extravaganza

Given the success at the box office of the latest in a long line of Hollywood films that involve the modern world being torn asunder by a bunch of hairy, stinky, ignorant, hygiene-adverse barbarian-like miscreants whose only goal is to reduce everything they touch to some primitive ‘lowest common denominator’ where they can at last feel at home and ‘safe’ amid the chaos and rubble of the once well-ordered modern world, the creative types in Hollywood have set their tentative sights on capturing a potentially even more horrifying concept on film, a future world run by the Snopes farmer/rancher clan in the 2nd smallest town in the Great State of Washington.

“Well, it is easy for our viewers to suspend belief with all those fancy special effects and given the fact that the protagonists are in fact just apes and all, but if they really got a glimpse into what could be right around the corner, a world run by 8th grade drop-outs and criminals and people who fight against flush toilets and using fire hydrants to put out fires – well, that is liable to scare them right out of their socks!” said Biff Finklestein, a Hollywood big shot. “Sure, we can all laugh off some decidedly implausible inter-species feud based sometime in the future, but what do you do when faced with a very real abomination lurking right under the surface of society in rural America – at least in Lamont, anyway! That puts a whole new complexion on the classic “Evil semi-sub-human mischief-makers want to destroy the world” theme that, quite frankly, we in the Hollywood community have pretty much beaten into the ground with greed driven gusto” he waxed poetically while also talking on his cell phone to some person he called 'babe' and 'doll' about 200 times. (We think it was a dude, too!!) “Sure, there is a lot of overlap between the two protagonists – both groups, the apes and the Snopes, tend to be angry, crude, dirty, largely uneducated and desire to smash every vestige of modern civilization that they did nothing to build, but to be fair to the apes, there is no evidence that they are against libraries, flush toilets, pavement, clean water or using fire hydrants in case of a fire. We have to be fair here. So, on some level, should this concept ever get off the ground, you can rest assured that this will be a horror classic that will have innocent citizens fleeing the theaters in blind terror and weeping in the aisles at the crushing nightmarishness of the thing. We will all long to be ruled by the apes after we get a small taste of living under the Snopes, let me tell you!” he said gleefully, rubbing his hands at the prospect of scaring the living daylights out of the movie going public across the globe.

(Editorial Note: We at the Lamont Blog would like to apologize to the entire global ape/monkey community for any unfair comparisons or aspersions that were inadvertently cast by this article. At the Lamont Blog, we just report the news, we do not make it, and any harm, whether real or imagined, is unintended and thus regretted. Thank you!)

Dec 16, 2011

Local Grandmother Less Than Appreciative Of Being Casually Referred To As “A Saucy Little Vixen”

In one of those Lamont things that leaves an even somewhat normal person just staring at the nearest wall in dumb stupefaction, an area woman, Gertrude Snopes, 72, an area grandmother, made sure that she told every person that she knew and well over three dozen that she didn’t that she does not appreciate being referred to by a ‘nom de guerre’ historically used in polite society for a much younger woman (in the 17th or 18th centuries!!), insiders report. “Well, that just won’t do!” said the demonstrative Gertrude to some poor car of Idahoans just passing thru after getting lost and unfortunately ending up in Lamont. (Whoa! Talk about the makings of a horror classic!) “Being a woman in my early 50’s, one cannot but help to attract the unwanted passions of the male gender, I guess” said the woman who looks a far sight closer to octogenarian status than the long distant and decidedly tarnished 6th decade of life. “Those days of turning heads and causing minor traffic jams when walking down the street are, for me, in the waning hours, and to be thrust back into the tumult of unwanted male passions is just not appropriate for this stage of my life” said the delusional woman who once did cause a traffic jam, but that was because she chased her first husband (of three!) into the street with a rolling pin during a 4th of July parade because he wanted a “little kiss” to celebrate our nation’s birthday – an endeavor that she would have none of, of course. “Oh, it is such a burden being of the fairer sex. One can cause such a commotion just by being one’s own self! I am pleased that the bloom is not quite off this rose, however. But then again, I always had it in such abundance” she giggled insanely to herself. (Thankfully the Idaho family had the sense to speed away at her somewhat menacing and determined approach!)

When asked for comment, the outrageous cad who supposedly uttered the offending expression, Jethro Bodine, 62, although obviously intoxicated at 10:30 in the morning, denied that he ever said such a thing, particularly about “That bitter old battle axe of a woman”, but instead claimed that he was in fact referring to the town of Lamont when he uttered the slurred words “ain’t worth fixin’”. No charges were pressed in the matter, but the Sheriff’s deputy called to the scene did vow to try to get another job in another county that does not border on the one Lamont is in.