Jun 19, 2011

Local Fish Shocked, Disgusted At Area Cat’s Utterly Inept, Almost Non-Existent Fishing Skills

In a sad testament to the area feline population’s ability to adapt to the modern world with all of those ‘new fangled’ fish bowls and aquariums, not to mention vacuum cleaners, dispose-alls and other ear splitting devices like home coffee grinders that tend to send the supposed household 'alpha-predators' scurrying under the nearest bed, an area guppy has resorted to just shaking his head in disgust after almost 3 years of safely swimming in the same fish bowl in a house filled with numerous cats without the decidedly bored aquatic sojourner so much a suffering a scratch or losing a fin or part of his multi-colored tail or whatever, area fish bowl insiders report.

“Well, as a rule, guppies are known in the veterinarian community for their ‘devil-may-care’, some might say reckless disregard for all the instinctive protocols of personal safety and enlightened self-interest, so when one of the finned risk-takers is faced with a house full of supposedly efficient and predatory house cats, their natural tendency is to throw caution to the wind and take that challenge head on and to just see who comes out on top” said Dr. Susan Finkermann, 56, an area veterinarian and renowned fish expert. “So, contrary to all the known stereotypes about frightened fish fleeing to go hide in some brightly colored but 'hard to defend' underwater castle or whatever or to briskly retreat to some pathetic forest of fake plastic plants that should have, if the owner had any self-respect, been replaced years ago, the average guppy will swim right to the surface of whatever water they are in – taunting whatever primary predator that runs rough-shod in that particular ecosystem they find themselves in – even the common American household, or so it would appear. Anyway, this guppy, which still does not even have a proper name after who knows how many years - but who answers to the moniker “the fish”,(Editorial Note: The fish is unusually responsive - especially when accompanied with an expression of shock at having forgotten to dispense the fish food which, truth be known, seems to be an all-too-common occurrence for good taste, for Pete’s sake! I mean, how hard is it to remember to feed a fish once a day, for crying out loud!) Anyway, this intrepid terror of the seas will boldly swim right to the surface of the bowl as the seemingly normal but somewhat lackluster cats either try to claw at the sides of the glass enclosure and/or drink the fish bowl down to a more manageable level for attack or whatever. Who knows what the obviously limited ‘so-called’ predators are thinking, but whatever it is it is not very well formed nor well-thought out, given their decidedly dismal success rate after all these years!” said the animal expert with 22 years of hands on experience with the food chain. “It is all very disturbing and disconcerting, if you want my professional opinion” she said sadly, wondering why she went to Vet school in the first place and didn’t become a professional ballet dancer like that Russian woman, whatever her name is. (maybe being 6’2” and weighing 225 had something to do with that decision, too! Who knows!)

“Well, being a fan of police shows on TV, when I first got that guppy I just naturally assumed that the poor thing had some sort of death wish or whatever like the much vaulted “suicide by cop” technique used by some of the more disturbed perps, this guppy was attempting ‘suicide by cat’” said the guppy’s owner who asked not to be identified for obvious reasons (Can’t blame him there! Whoa!). “But then I began to observe this troubling behavior more closely and realized that the aquatic hell-raiser was in fact rushing the surface, slathered guppy fangs bared and at the ready, just looking for a fight to the finish! That was one disturbing life realization, let me assure you! I can safely say that I have not forgotten the fish food since, that is for sure! And I am even now working on coming up with an appropriate name for the thing, too. That is one creature that you don’t want to get on the wrong side of, let me tell you… I am just thankful that my cats are so inept and incompetent and have thus avoided the wrath of that cantankerous finned nightmare! That is all I need right now – an emergency trip to the vet to stitch up a paw or re-attach an ear or whatever.” he concluded solemnly while crossing himself and throwing salt over one shoulder before spitting three times.

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