Nov 26, 2011

Thanksgiving Miracle: Entire Day Passes Without Single Reported Incident Of Parrot-Related Mischief Or Holiday Destroying Shenanigans

In the first reported reprieve of its kind since the thankful Noah and his beleaguered brood quite gleefully and with much relief and thanksgiving released those paragons of avian troublemaking – the parrots – from the Ark after the Lord destroyed most of mankind for its unrepentant wickedness (Editorial Note: Why didn’t Noah release a parrot instead of a dove and that other bird (whatever it was!) to see if there was dry land? Did they refuse to go? Was such a mission beneath their dignity? Did he ask them and they gave him a whole lot of lip (beak??) like they are prone to do? Biblical scholars appear to be divided on this point, unfortunately! Anyway…) – an entire holiday seems to have passed without parrots using their unique and decidedly meddlesome abilities to somehow throw a monkey-wrench in their human companion’s holiday revelry, experts report.

“Well, although I have several PhD’s and wear decidedly academic sweater vests and imposing horned-rim glasses, I am just as perplexed as the rest of you unlearned heathens with mere Master’s degrees or, heaven forbid, a measly 4 year degree from a non-Ivy league school!” said Dr. Thurston Maxwell Vanderbilt III, PhD, a renowned parrot expert and Dean of the Harvard School of Birds. “All of us in the Avian Sciences community await this time of year with foreboding and apprehension, just hunkered down behind our desks, waiting to see what those winged miscreants will unleash on what appears to be a hapless mankind! Just last year, there was that parrot in Spokane who imitated the oven timer on Thanksgiving as some sort of dramatic show of inter-species solidarity, causing the usually savvy Erika of Century West Engineering fame to remove the unfortunate dinner centerpiece, the turkey, from the oven over an hour early, thus ruining the festivities and giving her mother-in-law even more ammo to use against her in the decades to come. Sadly, incidents like that tend to occur across the globe on an all-too-frequent basis. So going an entire Thanksgiving day without a single reported incident of provocative parrot pandemonium cannot but forebode ill for the coming months. That tells me that they are planning something big, really big, and may the Lord help us all when that is unleashed upon us!” he shuddered in an Ivory Tower sort of way while pushing his glasses back up his beaky nose in a decidedly dramatic and haughty fashion.

“Well, all I have to say is the Lord has blessed us this day, and we do indeed have so much to be thankful for!” said the so-called Erika of Century West Engineering fame, the uber-goddess of efficiency and world famous parrot rescue maven. “After the last several years of unremitting parrot-inspired holiday disasters, you will forgive me for dreading the holiday season, and it doesn’t help that my mother-in-law just seems to come alive at this time of year, eagerly anticipating another domestic calamity that she can use against me for the rest of my life, given that it is almost a certainty that the woman will outlive me, if for no other reason than spite!” said Erika while expertly changing the newspaper in the bottom of one of her several quite roomy and expansive bird cages. “Oh, I was on pins and needles all day, just waiting for the parrot’s well conceived plans to come raining down on all of us. It was horrid. But when I served the last piece of pie and was able to sit down for the first time all day, I realized that no hideous disasters had befallen me and my social reputation had dodged the bullet for 2011, but that is when I really began to worry. Those darn birds are planning something. You can just see it in their beady little, dinosaur-like eyes. Even my bon-bon making sister (who hardly ever shares with anyone, particularly people who just happen to live in the high desert of New Mexico! Shame on you, Baroness d’Bon-Bon! Shame!!) – even she felt the presence of impending doom! Oh, in so many ways I just wish that the darn birds would have just gone ahead and gotten it over with this Thanksgiving! This waiting is going to put a real crimp in my normally over-the-top Christmas cheer, let me tell you!” she concluded solemnly while going to the garage to set up the 'Rump Shaking" Santa display.

No comments: