Dec 16, 2011

Local Grandmother Less Than Appreciative Of Being Casually Referred To As “A Saucy Little Vixen”

In one of those Lamont things that leaves an even somewhat normal person just staring at the nearest wall in dumb stupefaction, an area woman, Gertrude Snopes, 72, an area grandmother, made sure that she told every person that she knew and well over three dozen that she didn’t that she does not appreciate being referred to by a ‘nom de guerre’ historically used in polite society for a much younger woman (in the 17th or 18th centuries!!), insiders report. “Well, that just won’t do!” said the demonstrative Gertrude to some poor car of Idahoans just passing thru after getting lost and unfortunately ending up in Lamont. (Whoa! Talk about the makings of a horror classic!) “Being a woman in my early 50’s, one cannot but help to attract the unwanted passions of the male gender, I guess” said the woman who looks a far sight closer to octogenarian status than the long distant and decidedly tarnished 6th decade of life. “Those days of turning heads and causing minor traffic jams when walking down the street are, for me, in the waning hours, and to be thrust back into the tumult of unwanted male passions is just not appropriate for this stage of my life” said the delusional woman who once did cause a traffic jam, but that was because she chased her first husband (of three!) into the street with a rolling pin during a 4th of July parade because he wanted a “little kiss” to celebrate our nation’s birthday – an endeavor that she would have none of, of course. “Oh, it is such a burden being of the fairer sex. One can cause such a commotion just by being one’s own self! I am pleased that the bloom is not quite off this rose, however. But then again, I always had it in such abundance” she giggled insanely to herself. (Thankfully the Idaho family had the sense to speed away at her somewhat menacing and determined approach!)

When asked for comment, the outrageous cad who supposedly uttered the offending expression, Jethro Bodine, 62, although obviously intoxicated at 10:30 in the morning, denied that he ever said such a thing, particularly about “That bitter old battle axe of a woman”, but instead claimed that he was in fact referring to the town of Lamont when he uttered the slurred words “ain’t worth fixin’”. No charges were pressed in the matter, but the Sheriff’s deputy called to the scene did vow to try to get another job in another county that does not border on the one Lamont is in.

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