Nov 26, 2010

Area Farmer/Rancher Zombies Return From Grave To Help Drag Lamont Back To Highly Undesirable And Profoundly Lawless 'Dark Ages'

In a decidedly unsettling and grisly (although not completely unexpected!) backlash against progress of any kind in the 2nd smallest town in the State, a shockingly organized cabal of the walking undead descended on Lamont in a last-ditch attempt to drag the town back in time to a period where men were men and dogs were allowed to run around biting people - oh yeah, and there weren't all those stinking sidewalks and paved roads strewn all over the place and all the town buildings were unpainted like they should be! Although often painful in the extreme, many if not most small towns experience growing pains related to advancement outside their municipal comfort zone(s), but few regions ever go to the extreme of summoning the walking undead to help sway the scales of progress into the retroactive position, however - as the Lamont area appears to be doing. "Well, we spent our whole lives making sure the Town remained backwards and anarchistic, and I'll be dadburned if I am going to let a little thing like the cold, cruel grave hinder me from taking action as a few city slickers come in and want to pry Lamont from the clutches of complete and total randomness and disorder!" said Jethro Bodine, a formerly deceased farmer/rancher, and the main spokesperson for the wriggling mass of undead cannibals who spend a vast majority of their time stumbling about the place, grunting and groaning and looking for a quick snack of human flesh. "I mean, we did just fine for many decades with no law and order, bad water, gravel roads, an aversion to the Sheriff and all of those other true joys of the rural life, but when that dern elected group over there went all crazy and brought in that stupid library project with an actual flush toilet, (with money provided by the County - the same bunch that provides the doggone Sheriff! What nerve they have!) that is when the alarm bells went off in the very depths of Hell itself and we farmers/ranchers needed to do something really nasty and backward looking - and quick!" he rambled in a mumbling sort of way like zombies tend to do, although speaking fairly clearly for a creature without that whole tongue/upper pallet thing to help form words. "Lamont needs to be left alone to just eventually crumble into the dustbin of history, and although when we were alive we never actually lived within the town itself and certainly never lifted a finger to help improve things, (Oh, Heaven forbid!! Why would they ever do more than complain, anyway?) we still have a vested interest in seeing this long pattern of dysfunction and decay continue uninterrupted, doggone it! Darn that mayor and his big city ways! This modernization thing will not stand! It makes us all look bad and serves to highlight our collective laziness and inertia! We have a false reputation to uphold, doggone it! - you know, that whole salt-of-the-earth, backbone-of-America nonsense and all of that!" he gurgled disgustingly!

"Well, being the mayor of Lamont one can grow accustomed to just about any outrage, but even I was slightly taken aback when our few, well-plowed streets were filled with any number of nightmarish creatures caught between the quick and the dead. At first, I could not figure out what was going on, given that fashions have obviously not changed very much in Lamont over the years, but when one of the undead ghouls accosted me as I was shoveling snow by the fire station and grunted something about Lamont needing to stay in the grips of lawless abandon, I knew that this was slightly different from the normal citizen complaint!" (not very much different, though!) said an area mayor who, after 5 years, has pretty much seen it all! (Oh, the stories he could tell!!) "Somehow Lamont is surrounded by a bunch of folks who have more than a passing interest in opposing every single initiative that any other normal town/region would view as the most basic of civic baselines - but what surprises me is the length that these folks will go to in order to ensure that Lamont remains firmly outside the loving embrace of the modern era! I mean, how can so many folks be against basic human dignity - under the guise of citizen rights and the American dream - particularly when they don't live within the town limits and also because of the fact that with all rights come responsibilities - particularly to those less fortunate in society - like school kids walking to school being free from dog attacks! I just don't get how so many supposed "area leaders" can be so firmly planted on the side of lawlessness and mob justice! It really makes me worry for America in general and rural America in particular! But, that is just all in a days work when you are the mayor of the 2nd smallest town in the State, I guess!" he sighed resignedly, returning to his largely ineffectual snow shoveling. "I bet that doggone Long Beach doesn't have this problem! I imagine Long Beach's citizens would complain about lawlessness of any kind - not vice-versa! Oh, maybe they are better than we are, after all!" he murmured (pathetically) under his breath so no one could hear him utter those forbidden words!

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