Nov 5, 2010

Nation Stunned, Pensive As Lamont Officially "Crosses the Rubicon" Into The Frightening 20th Century (Yes, we have high speed internet now!)

The lowly and laggardly Town of Lamont, a municipal incorporation that has turned holding onto the past into a genuine art form, stunned the entire nation by shamelessly adopting a communication technology most often used by 'them big city people' - yes, Lamont is now connected to the World Wide Web (WWW, whatever that is!) via a stunningly fast 'high speed internet connection'. This town, best known as the human settlement that didn't actually get their first vehicle powered by the internal combustion engine for 98 years (sadly, this is all true!), is well known for rejecting modernity as 'the fruits of the devil', so those 'in the know' cannot help but be shocked by their quite reckless and 'devil-may-care' adoption of a communication protocol that does not require people to wait about 5 doggone minutes to pull up a simple Google page, for Pete's sake! "Well, let's just say that we started leaving our municipal 'comfort zone' just about the time they started making buggy whips with those stupid man-made fibers worked in there and all!" said an area Mayor who considers his toaster to be an advanced piece of electronic equipment (Well, it does use them electroid things or whatever!) "Anyway, as you all know, Lamont now has the most awesome Clerk/Treasurer in the history of the whole doggone world, that Cheryl Loeffler of Fairfield fame (she really is pretty darn awesome! What a God-send she is!), and she has worked out this whole remote connectivity thing or whatever, don't ask me, anything more advanced than sticking your head out the front door and hollering seems like voodoo mischief to me - but she was doing this via dial-up and it was taking forever to do basic things, so she brought high speed connectivity up in our last meeting and, amazingly enough, the Council went for it! I am 99.99% sure they had no idea what they were agreeing to, I know I sure didn't, but I made one quick call to that totally awesome (And understanding! And patient! And able to work effectively with the technology challenged!) RitzCom communications and the next thing I knew all them computer pages were just flying up on the screen like a Banshee queen or whatever" he gushed ignorantly!

"Well, given that the world is going to hell in a hand basket and that this certainly matches all the biblical signs for the "End Times", we in the bible prophecy community have kept a close eye on Lamont as some sort of 'bell-weather' for the global apocalypse and all" said Rev. Wilber Leadbottom, a renowned area biblical scholar. "So, needless to say, when Lamont went hog wild and bought that fancy truck/snow plow we pretty much knew that that whole Rapture thing was right around the corner. But leaving dial-up for high speed internet pretty much lets the faithful the world over know that we may only have hours or days left of this earthly burden! Repent, you sinners, repent!" he bellowed, shaking his fist menacingly. "I mean, if you cannot count on Lamont being a century or two behind the rest of the nation, then I am not certain that we can trust the very ground under our feet! Oh, and I still don't see what was wrong with Nellie, the Lamont town mule! Sure, she did tend to leave 'road apples' in front of the Mayor's mailbox and all, and she did have that little 'kicking problem', but she sure could clean out a ditch in record time and as a watchdog she was beyond compare. But no, Lamont had to go get all fancy and buy a modern vehicle! (pronounced 'veee-hick-el). Oh, times, they are a-changin'!!! he concluded solemnly before throwing salt over his shoulder 3 times and spitting to ward off the 'evil eye'!

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