Jul 28, 2011

Shock: Town Drops Historic “Rump Shaker” In Favor Of New-Fangled “Hokey Pokey” As Official Town Dance

In a bold move that has Town insiders long averse to change of any kind shaking their heads in nervous apprehension, the Town Council voted in a nail-biting 3-2 vote to relegate the tried-and-true “Rump Shaker” dance move to the dustbin of history in favor of that new, fancy, potentially satanic, ultra-modern “Hokey Pokey” as the official dance of the 2nd smallest Town in the State. The Town of Lamont, a berg that is amazingly over 100 years old but firmly rooted in the murky, ignorant, superstitious past, does not take change easily (as demonstrated by the almost psychopathic resistance to the town’s first flush toilet by a shockingly diverse segment of the area population to include church leaders, fire fighters and farm types!! Whoa!) and this brazen, some-might-say reckless break with tradition is almost certainly going to increase the profound angst and jittery natures of an already nervous and insecure citizenry who long ago gave up on participating in the post-1950’s America that a vast majority of us all know and love.

“Well, I know that throwing caution to the wind and taking such a brave step into the unknown is likely to not sit well with the voting public who resents paved roads and clean drinking water as unnecessary inconveniences that are just another thing to worry about and fix when they break and all of that, but Lamont has an image to uphold - tarnished and tattered as it may be – so replacing the “Rump Shaker” with a more modern, contemporary, stylish dance move just seemed in order” said Greta Belcher, a town councilwoman of 43 years. “Sure, in many ways, the primitive, earthy “Rump Shaker” did tend to communicate the very essence of a municipality that values lawlessness and disorder and that feels doing nothing is always better than actually getting off one’s dead rear end and doing something (Anything! We'll take anything!), but as a sworn town leader, sometimes those tough, controversial decisions fall on my sloped and sagging shoulders, that’s all” said the area vanguard of social change while shooting at a crow with her BB gun! (She missed, thank goodness! What a crappy shot!) “I mean, the “Rump Shaker” was brought to this country many years ago by our less savory and socially laggardly ancestors who in turn carried it from the dark, forbidding forests of Gaul where it was frequently employed after some poor Roman Legion or another was mercilessly slaughtered by hoards of smelly barbarians with blue face paint and crude bronze and bone implements, so in that way it was quite appropriate for the modern Lamont, but these times, they are a changing - as that rock-and-roll song says, so those snarky and laggardly voters will just have to get over it at some point, I guess” she concluded bravely with only a hint of madness in her red, porcine, and shockingly/disturbingly beady little eyes!

“Well, of course we give all of our customers excellent service and Lamont, even with the “Rump Shaker”, is no exception, but I cannot help but see this refreshing change in the direction of the mid-20th century as a welcome social improvement” said an unnamed Century West Engineering professional who asked not to be identified to protect the privacy of her parrots and/or her bon-bon making "baroness" sister or whatever. (see previous story) “Normally, a world class organization like Century West would not even notice things like official town dance moves or whatever, but I guess that pretty much the whole town will break into those horrific and quite unsettling pelvic gyrations for almost any reason whatsoever, and that, over time, tends to add a level of unwelcome complexity and somewhat nauseating inefficiency to the projects that we do out there in Lamont. Sure, it is somewhat perversely quaint in a medieval, barbaric, pagan sort of way and all, but having scores of unnaturally energetic and well-fleshed rear-ends shaking all over the place every few minutes or so tends to distract from all those mathematical equations and stress load calculations that Century West is so famous for across the globe. We can and have worked successfully in that surreal environment for many years, of course, as demonstrated by the world class water system Lamont has, and those beautiful roads and sidewalks that solved the Town’s flooding problems, and of course with the new library that is currently under work, but as a general rule, reducing unnecessary and profoundly disturbing/stomach-churning distractions can only make the engineering environment that much more efficient and effective, that's all” she concluded with her usual understatement and genteel modesty while stroking the head of an African Gray parrot - a breed of bird (closely related to the doggone dinosaurs, for Pete's sake! Check out their feet!) that is rumored to be as smart as a human 5 year-old, for crying out loud!

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