Jul 13, 2009

Crazy 'Whole Bible' Following 'Israelites' Descend On Town For Pentecost - Area 'Pick-And-Choose' Bible Followers Up In Arms!

In a scene straight out of the religious wars in Europe in the 1500's (or, given that it is Lamont - the Hatfields and McCoys a few centuries later) - the tenuous 'religious' balance of the Town was laid on its head after a group of devout believers came to town to celebrate one of the festivals laid down in a part of the bible that a vast majority of modern Christians show little regard for - the misleadingly named and often completely ignored 'Old Testament'. "Well, half the fun of being a modern Christian is picking and choosing what part of the bible you have to follow" said an unnamed regional 'church-goer' who has been darkening the door of a church for the last 57 years but has very little knowledge of the scriptures that Jesus and all the disciples used - given that the so called "New Testament" had not been written at the time. "Sure, we like to say that we believe in the 'whole bible', and really like the parts where we get to say 'tisk tisk' at people for behaviors that we have not been caught doing yet, but as far as following the whole thing - that is just a little too much to expect, really" he said piously. "Sure, we meet on Sunday although the 4th Commandment clearly states that the "Sabbath" is the 7th day of the week and starts at sundown Friday and goes until sundown Saturday - but that would really cut down on our weekend personal 'fun' time - and plus, that is something that only those crazy groups do. If the Lord wanted us to keep the Sabbath holy, He would not have put college football on that day. I mean, come on - use your head" he said reprovingly.

"So, any part of the bible that we do not like, we can just say that that part was 'nailed to the Cross' and it is like some sort of 'get out of Hell free' card or something. It is really kind of nifty if you think about it. Sure, we like those parts of the Old Testament about tithing (that is one of our favorites) - and not stealing because we are comparatively rich - oh yea, and that part about 'smiting one's enemies' is a good one - but when it comes to most of the other parts of the 'Old Testament' - well, we can pretty much make up our own minds on those on a case-by-case basis and do what we want to do anyway. Who would want to belong to a religion where you didn't make up your own rules as you went along? That would be silly!" he concluded with a wily, knowing chuckle.

These troublemaking, apple-cart overturning, gravy-boat spilling Israelites or Hebrews or whatever they are eagerly accept Ephraimites, Jews, Christians, and Gentiles that are all seeking to find a body of end time disciples of Messiah that are following His Word and not man's traditions. "What? I didn't understand a word you just said" said the traditional church-goer who loves nothing more than watching college football all day long with a big bag of pork rinds and a quart of lukewarm buttermilk. These so-called 'Israelites" embrace the whole bible (no picking and choosing) and preach out of the Torah (first 5 books of the bible) each week and tie it into the Prophets, Wisdom Literature and the 'New Testament' - thus weaving the entire bible together into its intended coherent whole. Even more shocking, they also observe Yahweh's Appointed Times (Holy Days) (where the word 'holiday' comes from) and do not follow the Roman Sun Calendar or Satan's holidays (what do the pagan fertility symbols of rabbits and eggs really have to do with Jesus rising from the dead, anyway?). "Well, I just have no idea what any of that means - but if I did I can assure you I would be dead set against it!" said the devout Huskies fan/church elder. "This is America and in America we gather Easter eggs and eat chocolate rabbits to celebrate Jesus rising from the dead!! And sure, 'Sunday' was the traditional day for worshiping the pagan "Sun God" of Rome - but what does that matter?? What do these people have against the sun, for Pete's sake? We just don't need a bunch of whole bible believers running around stirring up that sweet deal we carved out for ourselves where we are the pious ones and everyone else is below us where they belong. Can't they just go away and leave us to our bacon-lettuce-tomato sandwiches and our smug self-satisfaction? And it just ain't American to try to ruin college football, either. That's all I got to say on the matter!" he said before storming off in a huff, waving his bible (the first two-thirds appeared to be brand new) in the air like a war club or something.

As of this writing, no violence has been reported (although several 'Whole Bible Types' report getting the 'stink-eye' on more than one occasion) and none of the Israelites or Hebrews or whatever they are have been excommunicated, burned at the stake, placed on the rack or secured to the public stocks (the stocks are often conveniently located within tomato throwing distance from the typical church door) - but there has been a marked increase in tongue clicking and hand wringing in some traditional church circles (and a whole lot less hand waving as they glumly drive home after leaving church on Sunday) as the 'pick-and-choosers' just hope that this whole inconvenient reality check will just go away so they can go back to mowing their yards and watching football on the Sabbath, ignoring 2/3rds of the bible and eating pork chops wrapped in bacon 3-4 times a week.

When asked for comment, the "Israelite" spokesperson just said to look at the last verse in Judges. Sadly, (or thankfully, depending on which side you are on) this verse is also in the often neglected 'Old Testament' so it is largely unknown to a vast majority of modern Christians and can thus be 'nailed to the Cross', too, if the need arises.

No comments: