Jul 24, 2009

Survey Results Show Town's Favorite Female Name Is "Nettie"

After sorting thru literally 1000's of names in over a dozen languages, the Town of Lamont concluded unanimously that the best overall female name, regardless of culture or age bracket, is that respected (yet highly under-utilized!) American classic "Nettie". Although no one is quite sure if the name 'Nettie' is a stand alone name, as is the case with a 'Richard' or a 'Betty' or if it is a nickname for some other even more impressive and regal sounding name - like 'Peggy' is a substitute for 'Margaret' - but this uncertainty and confusion didn't seem to dampen enthusiasm for what was, by all accounts, the odds on favorite from the start.

"Well, believe you me, names are important and if you are saddled with a bad one it can haunt you your whole life - like the looming threat that starving coyotes pose to a fat, lazy, three-legged rabbit! You learn to live with impending doom around every corner" said Gertrude Stinglehoffer, an unfortunate victim of the rare but doubly devastating 'first and last name' curse that affects almost 12% of the population at large. "I am not sure I will ever forgive my mother for insisting, after 46 hours of labor (and against the better council of my father who was later driven to the bottle!), in naming me something that was even clunky and awkward back in its prime - the late 1800's. She was so angry and deranged after suffering for so long (or that is the story she told years later - usually with a knowing wink) that the only way she felt she could pay me back with 'equal coin' was to name me something horrid and outdated. I mean, come on - a measly 46 hours of motherly discomfort versus a lifetime of anxiety and dread every time I have to make reservations or introduce myself to someone new. That's just not right!" Gertrude said with more than her fair share of righteous indignation. "When I have to introduce myself to someone new and I say that my name is Gertrude, you can just see them shrink back - as if some disease or something from the 1890's will go leaping off of me and send them to the emergency room in convulsions! It's just a name. I am not a bad person!" she said despairingly.

"Oh, growing up I would have killed for the name 'Nettie'! Well, come to think of it, I can think of 1000 names I would have killed for, but 'Nettie' is so nice and gracious sounding. A person with the name 'Nettie' is the type of friend you would want to have over once a week for tea. It is a serious name - but not formal or stuffy. You can imagine a 'Nettie' being a great gardener and being able to fly-fish for salmon with a baby lodged on her hip or something. Ninety-six percent (96%) of people who wake up from a 7-10 year coma open there eyes and see a person named 'Nettie' sitting patiently by their bedside, bible in hand (usually turned to the Old Testament), praying for such an event. It is a wholesome name yet one that allows room for fun and mischief. When you think of Gertrude - you think of mothballs and antiques that the children are not allowed to play with - and long black dresses and having to have perfect posture or else your bitter shrew of a grandmother would confine you to your room in a vast Victorian (think dark, dank and drafty) mansion until you learned to walk like a proper lady" she droned on frightfully - providing a classic Webster's Dictionary definition of TMI (too much information!!).

"Nettie is a great name. I am so glad it won. But I am really glad that we did not have to decide on the worst name. That is when you find out who your real friends are" she whispered wearily while motioning for her daughter 'Eleanor Louise' to stand up straight and bring her a glass of water - and not ice-cold water like last time since any caring daughter would surely know that ice water, if consumed too quickly, can lead to heart palpitations and death. "And anyway, half the fun of being a mother is passing down decades of neuroses and cultural abominations to your daughter(s)!" she said gleefully. "Its a mother-daughter thing that stretches back to when Eve, right after getting booted out from the garden of Eden for not following the most basic of instructions, named her 2nd daughter 'Tyrannosaur' (a fact thankfully not recorded in the bible for obvious reasons!)", she concluded sweetly if somewhat disingenuously. (Note to readers: The Town of Lamont has nothing against the name 'Gertrude' - and all statements pertaining to that name in this article reflect the views of Gertrude herself (and she should know!!) and do not necessarily represent the views of the Town or the collective citizenry at large. We apologize if any 'Gertrudes' were offended in any way)

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