Jul 14, 2009

Local Wiener Dog Basks In Glory After Chasing Reprobate Deer From Unprotected And Vulnerable Front Yard

A local wiener dog, alternately known as 'Honey Bear', 'Bear-Bear' or more often than not "You Little #$@%" was seen strolling the grounds of her domain late Tuesday - walking a little taller than normal (if that descriptor can be used for a wiener dog - somehow that seems like an oxymoron to me) and with an air of confidence and bravado not seen in Lamont since Jebediah Lamontowitz first settled the territory after his last mule went lame and the poor, broken, defeated man just gave up and laid down on the side of the trail to die (thankfully for us he was even unsuccessful at that - along with being unsuccessful at love, wealth, happiness, gambling, genetics and, of course, personal hygiene) thus beginning the long, slow, almost sadistic decline into what is now known as the second smallest town in the state - the humble berg of Lamont, WA - 99017. (A TV show called '99017' would be just about as far as you could get from the hit TV show '90210' - unless I missed those episodes about poaching deer and driving around in a big circle all night long, hoping someone would come outside so you could drive past them and give them the 'stink-eye' while not waving - thus exerting dominance over them in some sort of primitive, passive-aggressive sort of way!)

"Well, I was out in my yard at dusk in my "Daisy Duke' shorts and 'Bippy-top' in order to see if the mosquitoes would attack me so I would have a pretense to go storming down to the Mayor's house to complain about the sorry state of his 'so-called' administration when all of a sudden I saw several does and a small buck go darting across Garfield Street in the direction of our fine Middle School" said Erma Blancher - a local para-educator and town curmudgeon (editorial note: Can a woman be a curmudgeon or is that strictly a 'male thing'?) "Anyway, as I watched those graceful creatures bound away with obvious ease, my eye was drawn to a subtle movement in the grass just about ankle high - and when this unknown force of nature broke free of its earthly confines and darted into the neighbor's driveway, I saw what looked like some kind of Subway sandwich on legs or something moving at what was, by all accounts, a less than impressive speed. (it was obviously sacrificing speed in order to keep up that ear splitting yapping that would have emptied the cemetery if Lamont had one) said the gloomy grouch who has a hand in our children's education and who, sadly for her, did not receive a single mosquito bite due to the fine work of John Sypher and Kynda Browning and the rest of the Tekoa 'mosquito-busting' team.

The dog (actually half Chihuahua and half wiener dog - thus proving once again that Chihuahua genes, thankfully, are by and large recessive in nature and easily stamped out of any self-respecting 'gene pool'), after breaking all known 'wiener dog world records' for continuous running (the distance was measured at slightly less than 11 meters - breaking the previous record by 9 inches!), slowly sauntered back to the house where it immediately collapsed on the couch and slept for the next 14 hours - as if trying to minimize its obvious feat of bravery and physical endurance. (wiener dogs are by nature a humble breed and shun the spotlight). The deer, for their part, were only passing thru on their way to the Mayor's apple trees where his first good crop in four years is coming along nicely and is hanging low for ease of access. No injuries were reported by either party - but neither antagonist appears eager to renew the altercation at this point.

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