Shock: Area Rancher Caught Belting Out Madonna’s “Material Girl” While Working On Ancient Tractor In His Equally Ancient Barn

Regardless of whether we live in a ‘material world’ or not, the entire Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) took a hit to its already sagging, tenuous, teetering masculinity after Elmer “Skeeter” Snopes, 63, was observed enthusiastically singing some chick song from the 1980’s in his barn, late Tuesday. (Editorial Note: Remember, the GLMA is the area that is and always has been completely dominated by a determined and committed group of so-called ‘farm ladies’ (Whoa! What a generous application of the English language!) who, in fact, make the fearsome mythical Amazon warrior race of women look like a bunch of fragile Southern Belles twittering/blushing innocently at a formal tea party on some regal Louisiana plantation veranda while demurely and daintily sipping Mint Juleps with their delicate and well-manicured pinkie fingers sticking out or whatever while their mustachioed beaus with swords, overly tight pants and bad, twangy accents with way too many syllables swashbuckle about the place talking about ‘getting them dang Yankees’ and droning on about ‘State’s Rights’ and Robert E. Lee or some such thing!!)

“Well, there I was, looking to borrow some axle grease or whatever from the Snopes’ place when I heard this loud, high pitched noise emanating from the general direction of the barn” said Gomer Festoon, 43, and area farmer/rancher. “Anyway, as I inched my way forward and managed to peek inside the open barn door, I dang near had to claw my own dadburn eyes out with the horror of it all! There was Elmer, wrench in hand like some sort of fancy microphone or whatever, shamelessly shaking the lower half of his filthy overalls like a honey bee and belting out the whole dern song to beat all I ever seen! Oh, it was horrid! I know farmers and ranchers in these parts are greedy and materialistic to the extreme, but that don’t mean we have to go changing our genders to get even more of the filthy lucre, now does it? Heck, that is why we married all those loud-mouthed, gum-smacking, mannish women in the first place - so that they could be the actual men in the relationship to save us the trouble and bother - but we don't have to go becoming the doggone women ourselves, now do we? That just seems a step too far for me somehow!” said the obviously distressed yet disturbingly misogynistic Rancher Festoon who now vows to only shamelessly mooch petroleum products from ‘Old Man Bodine’ in the future. “Sure, there was that time the wife caught me singing “I am woman, hear me roar!!” at the top of my lungs out by the cattle shoot, (while she was bench-pressing a car axle just to see if she could!) but I wasn’t doing none of that ridiculous hip swaying and booty shaking – and I for dern sure didn’t have no fake microphone in my hand, neither! And Elmer even seemed to know all the doggone words to that 'Material Girl' thing, for Pete’s sake!! He didn't have to fake none of the words at all!!! Oh, it was just so wrong! What is this country coming to, anyway?” he concluded with a genuine shudder of societal disgust!

Fluke: Entire Lamont Marching Band Independently Opts To Play The "Dinner Bell” For 2011-2012 Marching Band Season

In yet another one of those mind-numbing things that can only happen in a place like Lamont, the entire membership of the obscure yet somewhat under-appreciated “Lamont Marching Band”, (known locally as “The Famished Farmers”) in an interesting attempt at country originality as well as an effort to match their natural, inherent, obviously limited musical talents with the appropriate instrument difficulty level (or lack there of!), anyway, somehow they all ended up choosing the ever-handy yet somewhat cumbersome and spine-straining/knee-buckling brass “dinner bell” from their respective farms/ranches to express their musical aspirations in a marching band context. “Well, let’s just say that this does drastically cut down on the number of potential songs that they will have to learn for next year!” said Gomer Bodine, 56, a farmer/rancher and the Lamont area 'so-called' band leader. “Heck, beggars can’t be no doggone choosers, so it ain’t like I can go making them pick some dadburned instrument that one would expect in any normal, sane, potentially enjoyable, remotely musically oriented marching band or whatever! Given the quite shocking prevailing laziness of this area in general, I was just tickled pink that we even got three volunteers (warm bodies!) to step away from castrating cows and watching the wheat grow in the first place. And who don't love the low, woeful sound of a clattering dinner bell after a full day spent fixing some piece a machinery 30 years past its life expectancy and/or running down the town of Lamont for all of them fancy ‘pro-toilet’, big city ways that seem to be all the rage now-a-days? (More than one clanging, tuneless dinner bell will be even that much more of a special treat to the listening audience!) Sure, we will sound like a marching train wreck and all, but this is America, doggone it, and if them local artsy-fartsy types want to give vent to their somewhat twisted/stunted musical muse via a 250-odd pound, solid brass dinner bell and march around the place with it, then who am I to throw a wet blanket on their dreams, anyway? Our dadburned Founding Fathers fought and died for our right to be socially, culturally and musically inappropriate, and I for one ain't going to soil that memory none! This is America! If you don't like it, move to California or Seattle or one of them places back East with all them sinister huddled masses of foreigners doing whatever sinister huddled masses of foreigners do or whatever! (With all them sinister foreign accents that no sane man can hardly understand in the first place! And what is with all that hand waving and double cheek kissing?)” concluded the righteously indignant Gomer, wiping away a patriotic tear while spitting an impressive stream of tobacco juice on an unfortunate passing sage bug.

Lamont Enthusiastically Celebrates William Shakespeare’s “Ides of March” By Collectively Stabbing A Friend In The Back

The Town of Lamont, a majority of which thinks William Shakespeare is some kid named Bill who is shaking a stick with a sharp point on the end of it or whatever, jumped on the ‘literature’ bandwagon when they learned that March 15th, also known as the ‘Ides of March’, was the day way back when when that guy that the ‘Orange Julius’ in the mall was named after got stabbed by some guy with a really sophisticated name – Brutus or something like that, (Compared to Lamont’s most common name ‘Bubba’, Brutus is downright regal sounding!) and decided that would be a culturally adept thing to do to throw off the stigma of being societal and literary laggards or whatever and to imitate that part where Caesar’s friend slips a hay bale knife into his back while they are just talking about the merits of cows or simply shooting the breeze on how bad the town of Lamont is without the hapless, fumbling farmers/ranchers running the place even though the grasping, power-hungry, under-achievers don't even live within the actual town limits and somehow forgetting that that same group already goofed up the doggone situation to an almost unbelievable degree when they did, in fact, run things (so to speak!) just a few short years ago or whatnot. (How did so many of these people end up in such a little place like Lamont? Sheesh!)

“Well, who would have thunk that all them fancy words would represent such fun and interesting things?” said Skeeter Bodine, 56, an area farmer/rancher. “Heck, now that I know that all that fancy book learning can be that much fun, I might actually break down and read one of the dern things before I die. (yeah, right!) And who would have guessed that some guy with a sissy little moustache would be able to capture the very essence of modern life?” he said with a genuine look of amazement. “There ain’t nothing more fun in the world than brazenly betraying a friend or loved one, and if all them brainy books are chocked full of that sort of devilish entertainment, then maybe I need to rethink my insane yet passionate opposition to that fancy new library Lamont is putting in with all that unnecessary indoor plumbing and all that other shameful wastefulness like heat and running water you don't have to pump by hand, I guess!” he concluded thoughtfully while picking at his few remaining teeth with a decidedly disturbingly discolored thumbnail.

(Editorial Note: Come to think of it, the expression "Et tu, Bubber" (how Bubba is pronounced locally) does have sort of a nice ring to it. Ain't it funny how timeless some things are?)

Entire Town Boycotts Yogurt After Learning That It Is Somehow Mysteriously Made With “Culture”

The humble and lowly Town of Lamont, known in farm/ranch circles as the “Pull My Finger” capitol of the Palouse, once again took a bold, brave, some might say ‘devil-may-care’ stance against modernity when word leaked out that the smooth, creamy, satisfying, calcium-rich dairy staple, yogurt, was in fact laced with what all pretty much agree to be the town’s ultimate nemesis – that scourge of small town America across all of – well - America – some kind of doggone ‘culture’ or whatever. “Ah, heck! Just what in tarnation can a feller trust now-a-days?” bemoaned Chester Festoon, 56, an area farmer/rancher! “There I was, getting ready to dip one of my freshly opened BBQ pork rinds into a cool, smooth, sweet, fruity container of strawberry yogurt when out of nowhere the wife mockingly shouts “Yo, Chester, you know that that dern yogurt is made with 'culture', don’t ya”? (she even did that 'finger quotation' thing for added emphasis and profound humiliation effect!) Oh, as if it is not bad enough being married to some loud-mouthed gossip who ain’t used a dadburned vacuum since 1973 and who spends all her time running down the Town of Lamont with her battle axe, mannish, troll-like friends, but for her to go running off ruining my favorite delicious snack treat combination – well, that is just plain cruel and mean-spirited!” he whined/snivelled indignantly. “Heck, I was watching the highlight tape of Lamont’s ‘Pull My Finger – 2006’ competition where that Jed Festoon and old rascal Scooter Bodine, both only sporting one arm as you know, well, them dern fellers walked up to each other, just as cool as you please, then they each held out their one remaining hand and said, simultaneously (That means 'at the same time'!) “Pull My Finger”… Oh, talk about irony! Talk about suspense! Talk about a battle royale of wills to see who would flinch and pull first! The tension was overwhelming! (he gasped!) The human experience doesn't get any more stark and intense than that, let me tell you! Anyway, of course it was at that exact doggone second that the ever faithful wife, never one for feminine niceties, chose to rain on my pork rind parade! Darn that woman! I mean, I am as against 'culture' as much as the next true-blue, long-time Lamontazoid, because as we all know with it comes all them 'big city repercussions' and all, but that don't mean you have to go running around ruining a man's snack-time pleasures, for Pete's sake! Maybe she should spend all her time out running down the town with her haggish friends, after all! She sure enough vexes me plenty when she is underfoot at home, always looking for ways to emasculate a man, dagnab it!" he fumed! (Editorial Note: as the one-armed Mr. Festoon and Mr. Bodine proves, drinking several 12-packs and driving a tractor like it was the Indy 500 is not a very good idea! Tractor wisely, people! I mean, come on! It ain't like the cows won't wait for a spell!!)

Former Mayor’s Hair Returns From Grave To Terrorize Hapless Town!!

The Town of Lamont, long accustomed to hideous outrages that other real, normal, fully-functioning towns shudder at the very thought of, was once again catapulted to the very brink of madness after nightmarish reports began to trickle in that Harlan Snopes’ hair, the hair of the town’s first farmer/rancher mayor, somehow managed to wriggle from the cold, cruel grave to vex the town yet again. This hair, if one can stretch the very language to accommodate such an unholy abomination, seems to be the combination of the horrifyingly nightmarish elements of what appears to be some sort of primitive ‘man-perm’ and some totally creepy sort of oil/gel thing on the back or whatever, more or less like combining the unnatural strength and ugliness of Frankenstein with the slashing fangs/claws of a canine-inspired werewolf with a hankering for human flesh!

“Oh, now that is just so dadburn wrong!” screeched Jethro Festoon, 56, an area farmer/rancher. “Like it ain’t bad enough waking up to another day of crushing failure and having to glance over at that slumbering hulk that, unfortunately, belongs to the wife, but now my very life itself is one long waking nightmare filled with dread and loathing at the thought of being psychologically destroyed by some unnatural, undead, unmanly hairdo that we long ago thought was consigned to the wicked, sour, poisoned earth that spawned it? Heck, we have had 3 stampedes already this week! Them cows just get one glimpse of that – well, whatever it is, bobbing behind a fence so only the hair is visible and the poor things just panic - like only a cow can panic - and there ain’t a force in this world that can stop them from reducing every fence for miles around into twisted hulks of tangled metal and/or reducing the wooden gates to matchsticks with their slashing, fear-inspired hooves! Why won’t that man’s hair just let us move on with our largely meaningless lives where all we ever talk about are cattle prices, varying rainfall amounts, why trucking water to a fire is better than using an existing, close-at-hand hydrant with 82 psi of pressure fed from a tank with over 100,000 gallons of water (and a refresh rate of over 200 gallons per minute! Thank you Century West!) and how much we hate the Town of Lamont and just wish it would be allowed to be reduced to rubble like it should be so it don't make our ranches look so dang bad in comparison?” he panted in a low whisper while clutching his crucifix and spitting three times to ward off the hellish (not to mention hairish!) apparition! “I just cannot help but think that all them outsiders with all their fancy pro-toilet, pro-painting, pro-pavement/sidewalk, pro-library ways have summoned this unholy apparition on us as some sort of cosmic retribution for our profoundly un-American, shockingly ignorant, decidedly anti-modern, ‘pro-angry-drunken-mob’ ways!” he stammered disgustedly. “Darn them and their stupid big city ways!! When will this madness ever cease?” he whined pathetically.

Totally Awesome Rep. Susan Fagan Somehow Gets Even More Doggone Awesome (Despite Having Lamont In Her District!!)

District 9 State Representative Susan Fagan, already one of the sharpest and most capable governmental ‘wunderkinds’ to come down the pike since Honest Abe and that Thomas Jefferson feller did whatever it was that they did that seemed to impress everyone so much, is breaking her own seemingly insurmountable records for awesomeness, even though she knows deep down that her otherwise sharp and hard working District must carry the ‘Mark of Cain’ in the form of Lamont, a hapless, wayward, backward-looking, some might say ‘neanderthal-ish’ hamlet that could not even manage to put in a public restroom after 100 years (and doesn't even have a store now!) because of a small cabal of Luddite-like farmers/ranchers who view such things as unnecessary extravagances and somehow unseemly!! Rep. Fagan, a person with a steel spine yet a heart of gold, who proved beyond any reasonable doubt her mettle for national leadership after she spent any number of hours at the seemingly interminable Lamont 100 Year Festival (that was boycotted by many of these same ‘toilet-averse’ farmers/ranchers who say they love the Town so much but want to see it reduced to rubble thru neglect and inattention!! Oh, brother!), just recently gave one of those citizen ‘Town Hall’ things where people could call in or listen on the phone (How did she do that? Whoa! Is she Bill Gates or something, too!!) and her clear vision, almost uncanny common sense, poise and solid American values left everyone pretty much gob-smacked and begging for her to become queen or President or Governor or whatever! (For the sake of full disclosure, the Lamont Blog, the news source of record in far, far, far Northwest Whitman County endorsed Rep. Fagan for Governor sometime back, although shockingly enough she failed to heed this powerful endorsement and has since worked wonders for District 9 in Olympia instead).

“Well, I listened to the Susan Fagan Town Hall meeting and heard her stance on the issues facing our region and nation, and to be honest, I have half a mind to get off the Lamont Council and devote my energies to her” said a Lamont councilman of 15 years. “I have been around a lot of years, and individuals like Susan Fagan are about as rare in these parts as hen’s teeth. If we had more people like her in positions of authority this country would not be in the mess it is in!” he gushed! “Oh, and being a former military man, her grit and determination, as demonstrated by her stalwart attendance at our 100 year festival, certainly qualifies her for Commander and Chief, if you ask me! If she can withstand that, she can certainly take on our national enemies, both foreign and domestic!” he mused proudly while raising his hand in a smart salute.

(Editorial Note: We at the Lamont Blog would like to apologize to Rep. Fagan, R. – Pullman, for Lamont being the fly in her district ointment and would encourage her to remain strong and resolute, in spite of the fact that we tend to tug down her averages (the good ones) in almost every category imaginable. Thank you!)

Outraged United Nations Security Council Convenes Emergency Special Session To Condemn Lamont For Gratuitous Application Of “The Rump Shaker”

In a rare special session of the vastly overrated UN Security Council, you know, that group of busybodies who think they can boss everyone around even though they don’t even live there – anyway, these people called some fancy special meeting or whatever to condemn the 2nd smallest town in the Great State of Washington for what appears to be the latest in a long line of ‘crimes against humanity’ (to say nothing of decency and good taste, for Pete’s sake!!) – the largely unsettling so-called ‘dance move’ – known politely as “The Rump Shaker”. “Mon Dieu, this is an outrage that must be stopped this very instant, sacre’ bleu!” said some high-strung French guy named Pierre or Jacque or Fifi or whatever! (You know how sensitive and flighty those French are! Oh, where are the Germans with their hob-nailed ‘Jack-boots’ when you actually need them? And how did France, a country best known for its rich sauces and flaky pastries, that actually lost WWII in about 30 minutes, ever get on the Security Council, anyway? Talk about grading on a curve! If getting your butt kicked in war (in record time!) was a prerequisite for global leadership, then why is Italy not on there? Come on!) Anyway! “Well, after the horrors of the 20th Century, the global community cannot just sit by as nightmares beyond imagination are perpetrated against innocent civilians! My country knows better than most the outrages of unchecked beastliness and stomach churning human insensitivity!” said the Russian guy who sounds like he might have spent a little too much time at the vodka fountain! “This is the year 2011 – and outrages of this type should be relegated to the dustbin of history” he rambled on like people tend to do after a few too many! “Blimey!! This just won’t do!" said the over-starched English Security Council dude, mangling the English language like only the British can do, for crying out loud! "Now, sure, things like the disgusting ‘Rump Shaker” were okay when the sun never set on the British Empire and a bloke needed to blow off a little steam in Calcutta or Zanzibar or whatever, but since we cannot even seem to properly conquer Northern Ireland nowadays, well, it is just better to put an end to these outrages once and for all!” he concluded with the trademark 'stiff upper lip'. The American and Chinese representatives could not be reached for comment because they were off scheming someplace in order to shamelessly stab Taiwan in the back or whatever so China does not call in the US national debt!

When asked for comment, the new, cool, smart, savvy Lamont Mayor (who actually knows what he is doing!), Michael Breckenridge, who ran for office on an ‘anti-Rump Shaker’ platform, sympathized with the ultimate goal of the UN Security Council, but stressed that they do not have jurisdiction in the Palouse, even though that is a French word, and he politely suggested that they butt out and go focus on Somalia or Yugoslavia or even Mongolia or whatever and mind their own dadburn business! (Amen!!! Preach on, brother! Dang, it is about time we had a mayor who has his head screwed on straight!)