Mar 29, 2011

Shock: Area Rancher Caught Belting Out Madonna’s “Material Girl” While Working On Ancient Tractor In His Equally Ancient Barn

Regardless of whether we live in a ‘material world’ or not, the entire Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) took a hit to its already sagging, tenuous, teetering masculinity after Elmer “Skeeter” Snopes, 63, was observed enthusiastically singing some chick song from the 1980’s in his barn, late Tuesday. (Editorial Note: Remember, the GLMA is the area that is and always has been completely dominated by a determined and committed group of so-called ‘farm ladies’ (Whoa! What a generous application of the English language!) who, in fact, make the fearsome mythical Amazon warrior race of women look like a bunch of fragile Southern Belles twittering/blushing innocently at a formal tea party on some regal Louisiana plantation veranda while demurely and daintily sipping Mint Juleps with their delicate and well-manicured pinkie fingers sticking out or whatever while their mustachioed beaus with swords, overly tight pants and bad, twangy accents with way too many syllables swashbuckle about the place talking about ‘getting them dang Yankees’ and droning on about ‘State’s Rights’ and Robert E. Lee or some such thing!!)

“Well, there I was, looking to borrow some axle grease or whatever from the Snopes’ place when I heard this loud, high pitched noise emanating from the general direction of the barn” said Gomer Festoon, 43, and area farmer/rancher. “Anyway, as I inched my way forward and managed to peek inside the open barn door, I dang near had to claw my own dadburn eyes out with the horror of it all! There was Elmer, wrench in hand like some sort of fancy microphone or whatever, shamelessly shaking the lower half of his filthy overalls like a honey bee and belting out the whole dern song to beat all I ever seen! Oh, it was horrid! I know farmers and ranchers in these parts are greedy and materialistic to the extreme, but that don’t mean we have to go changing our genders to get even more of the filthy lucre, now does it? Heck, that is why we married all those loud-mouthed, gum-smacking, mannish women in the first place - so that they could be the actual men in the relationship to save us the trouble and bother - but we don't have to go becoming the doggone women ourselves, now do we? That just seems a step too far for me somehow!” said the obviously distressed yet disturbingly misogynistic Rancher Festoon who now vows to only shamelessly mooch petroleum products from ‘Old Man Bodine’ in the future. “Sure, there was that time the wife caught me singing “I am woman, hear me roar!!” at the top of my lungs out by the cattle shoot, (while she was bench-pressing a car axle just to see if she could!) but I wasn’t doing none of that ridiculous hip swaying and booty shaking – and I for dern sure didn’t have no fake microphone in my hand, neither! And Elmer even seemed to know all the doggone words to that 'Material Girl' thing, for Pete’s sake!! He didn't have to fake none of the words at all!!! Oh, it was just so wrong! What is this country coming to, anyway?” he concluded with a genuine shudder of societal disgust!

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