Mar 1, 2011

Outraged United Nations Security Council Convenes Emergency Special Session To Condemn Lamont For Gratuitous Application Of “The Rump Shaker”

In a rare special session of the vastly overrated UN Security Council, you know, that group of busybodies who think they can boss everyone around even though they don’t even live there – anyway, these people called some fancy special meeting or whatever to condemn the 2nd smallest town in the Great State of Washington for what appears to be the latest in a long line of ‘crimes against humanity’ (to say nothing of decency and good taste, for Pete’s sake!!) – the largely unsettling so-called ‘dance move’ – known politely as “The Rump Shaker”. “Mon Dieu, this is an outrage that must be stopped this very instant, sacre’ bleu!” said some high-strung French guy named Pierre or Jacque or Fifi or whatever! (You know how sensitive and flighty those French are! Oh, where are the Germans with their hob-nailed ‘Jack-boots’ when you actually need them? And how did France, a country best known for its rich sauces and flaky pastries, that actually lost WWII in about 30 minutes, ever get on the Security Council, anyway? Talk about grading on a curve! If getting your butt kicked in war (in record time!) was a prerequisite for global leadership, then why is Italy not on there? Come on!) Anyway! “Well, after the horrors of the 20th Century, the global community cannot just sit by as nightmares beyond imagination are perpetrated against innocent civilians! My country knows better than most the outrages of unchecked beastliness and stomach churning human insensitivity!” said the Russian guy who sounds like he might have spent a little too much time at the vodka fountain! “This is the year 2011 – and outrages of this type should be relegated to the dustbin of history” he rambled on like people tend to do after a few too many! “Blimey!! This just won’t do!" said the over-starched English Security Council dude, mangling the English language like only the British can do, for crying out loud! "Now, sure, things like the disgusting ‘Rump Shaker” were okay when the sun never set on the British Empire and a bloke needed to blow off a little steam in Calcutta or Zanzibar or whatever, but since we cannot even seem to properly conquer Northern Ireland nowadays, well, it is just better to put an end to these outrages once and for all!” he concluded with the trademark 'stiff upper lip'. The American and Chinese representatives could not be reached for comment because they were off scheming someplace in order to shamelessly stab Taiwan in the back or whatever so China does not call in the US national debt!

When asked for comment, the new, cool, smart, savvy Lamont Mayor (who actually knows what he is doing!), Michael Breckenridge, who ran for office on an ‘anti-Rump Shaker’ platform, sympathized with the ultimate goal of the UN Security Council, but stressed that they do not have jurisdiction in the Palouse, even though that is a French word, and he politely suggested that they butt out and go focus on Somalia or Yugoslavia or even Mongolia or whatever and mind their own dadburn business! (Amen!!! Preach on, brother! Dang, it is about time we had a mayor who has his head screwed on straight!)

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