Feb 9, 2011

Breaking News: Area Man Shamelessly Accosted While Changing Doggone Motor Oil

In yet another staggering blow to the crime statistics of the 2nd smallest town in the State, and area man succumbed to a shocking ‘crime of opportunity’ while in the presumably safe confines of his own doggone garage, late Tuesday. The man, whose name is being withheld to protect his identity in such an obviously humiliating and unsettling case, was attempting to crawl under his 1992 Dodge Minivan when the unprovoked attack occurred. Although the actual assault only took a second or two, the understandable life trauma could linger for years, mental health professionals report. “Well, there I was, trying to work up the courage to get down on that ice cold concrete to try to work off that stupid oil filter when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I saw this gray blur come bounding at my exposed person and before I could scream like a dadburn school girl or whatever, I felt this icy cold and wet violation of my ear canal, intermingled with some indistinct snorting sounds – and before I could even react, I saw the rear end of the fiend bolt back out my open garage door to freedom! Oh, it was horrid! And the beastly little criminal even had the temerity to wag his little stub of a tail like some sort of war victory dance over my still warm corpse! That unrestrained gloating and obvious canine smugness is what makes the whole thing so unsettling! It was bad enough that my right ear was completely covered with dog slime, but to be so gleeful over it is the part that just gets to me! Oh, this world is really going to hell in a hand basket, let me tell you!” he stammered before bursting into tears! (Oh, be a man already! Why do so many men in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) always have to resort to the ‘water-works’, for Pete’s sake! This is supposed to be the ‘Wild West’, for crying out loud!!! Oh, Lewis and Clark must be turning over in their dadburn graves!)

“Well, I got a call at approximately 9:32 AM from the victim requesting an oil filter wrench or whatever, so I immediately searched up the dern thing and drove over to the residence in question.” said Dale Windsor, 72, a Lamont Councilman. “So, since I was only going to be gone for a few minutes, I, of course, encouraged my Schnauzer “Max” to ride with me since he loves nothing more than riding in the car. “Well, we got there at approximately 9:57 AM and as we exited the vehicle, Max, as is his nature, bounded ahead of me and raced into the soon-to-be crime scene and, apparently, although I am not admitting anything while the statute of limitations has yet to expire, some dog that more or less looked like my dog Max ran around the van, bounded on his friend and proceeded to shove the better part of his nose into the victim’s ear – although the only thing I really remember are the girl-like screams and eventually some miscellaneous sobbing or whatever. It all happened so quick I am not sure it can be pinned on any individual ‘perp’ above a reasonable doubt, in my humble opinion” he concluded slyly! “Sure, it was tragic and all, but no one ever said this was a risk free world, now did they? Sometimes it is just better to move on when you get your ear and upper neck covered in ice cold dog mucus, if you ask me. When one seeks revenge in this world, it is often necessary to dig two graves, or so they say!” he concluded sagely. (Editorial Note: For those in the GLMA who are impervious to even the most basic of word pictures, that means seeking revenge will also destroy the avenger in the end! Ain't that true! Thank you!)

The accused, Max, a pure bred Schnauzer voted "Best Dog In Lamont" for the last 5 years, is currently under house arrest where he is busy chasing the Windsor cats, sleeping by the fire and giving long, woeful, pleading glances to his owners before, during and after all three daily human meals. (Don't forget snacks or any time the fridge is opened, regardless of the reason!) When asked for comment, Max quite shrewdly exerted his doggy ‘5th Amendment Rights’ against self-incrimination but did manage to cock one ear in such a fashion as to give a reasonable person the impression that he knows more than he has hitherto ‘confessed”. As of this writing no formal charges have been filed and the victim, a cat owner, has cleaned out his doggone ear at least a dozen times with his not unlimited supply of Q-tips! (to say nothing of the outrageous levels of scorn, ridicule and ostracization he is receiving from his rightly outraged and thoroughly indignant cats! Talk about potentially damaged goods now! Talk about the ultimate cat "Scarlet Letter"!!)

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