Feb 24, 2011

Luckless Town Of Lamont Once Again Victimized By Shocking Ignorance Of Minor Segment Of Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA)

The town of Lamont, a wayward hamlet cast adrift in some hellish nightmare known as 'The Scablands', is currently in the latest in a long line of ‘dust-ups’ with the area (non-resident) farmers/ranchers and their troubling aversion to flush toilets, particularly within the town of Lamont itself. Lamont, a humble little town that the area farmers/ranchers who have supervised Lamont’s decline for 60+ years without lifting a finger and who seem hell-bent on destroying just so their ramshackle ranches don't look bad in comparison, anyway - the investigative reporting unit at the Lamont Blog, thru tireless efforts and gallons of that largely worthless Folgers Coffee, has uncovered the supposed root cause of the farmer/rancher apprehension to basic amenities that other towns have taken for granted for almost 100 years – like the seemingly basic flush toilet itself. On the surface, the very idea that a group of farmers/ranchers in this day and age (who do not even live within the town limits, for Pete's sake!) would be so violently opposed to such things as flush toilets, libraries, planning grants for new fire stations, fire hydrants and the like seems impossible – but this is Lamont with its unique gumbo of a shocking farmer/rancher sense of entitlement, a well-below average overall education level (for decades the farmers/ranchers ran the school board! Go figure!) as well as what many believe to be a Satan-inspired desire to befriend and support local criminals and to gossip and undermine and destroy progress at every opportunity (Judge a tree by its fruit, as the Good Book says multiple times!) Anyway!

Thru exhaustive (and exhausting!) journalism and in-depth analysis of the facts, the Lamont Blog has determined that the farmers/ranchers (Not all of them, folks! We have a few fine ones - like the ones who actually help the Town! We are simply referring to the noisy, thick-headed, destruction-oriented ones - you know - the ones who are against libraries and toilets and using fire hydrants with 82 psi and things like that!! They are pretty easy to pick out! Plus, they are the ones who tend to not smell very good sometimes, if you know what we mean), anyway, thru what can only be described as one profoundly sad set of educational shortcomings, these troublesome farmers/ranchers are supposedly not so much opposed to Lamont having a public ‘commode’, (or so they say!) but what they are opposed to is the town of Lamont having a public ‘Komodo’ (that is a big lizard, folks! A man-eater! From Indonesia or one of those places over there!) locked in a dark room in the new library where people could just stumble in upon the poor thing by accident or whatever. (Oh brother! See the types of primitive double-talk and excuse making we get around here from supposedly ‘upstanding citizens' who should know better, but have no natural restraints in their pursuit of control and power? Yikes!!) (See previous article on 'The Dumbest Son Inheriting The Ranch'. Thank you) “Well, this has all been one big misunderstanding, dadburn it!” said Wilber Snopes, an area farm/ranch spokesperson. “I got about 100 (pronounced ‘a-hunnert’) phone calls from irate farmers and ranchers across the state and the whole dadburn nation telling us to knock off our stupid, ignorant, foolish, luddite-like behaviors and stop being Medieval cretins who are dead set on destroying all the good things in Lamont. So, anyway, after I got all this loving support and solidarity from my ‘brothers of a different ranch mother’ I decided that we needed a cover story so that the GLMA farmers/ranchers could stop embarrassing farmers/ranchers the world over with all our obviously ignorant tom-foolery! That is when one of the local farm hands, some new feller not from these parts, was just trying to be helpful and came up with the 'Komodo dragon' idea as a cover story (this guy didn’t graduate from a GLMA school decades ago, thank goodness, when all this dadburn trouble started - so the man knew what an actual komodo dragon was! The Lamont school is quite excellent now, BTW, once we got the farmers/ranchers who sent all their kids to private schools or St. John off the doggone local school board! Why is there no law against being on a school board yet sending your kids to a different school? That seems very, very wrong somehow!) Anyway.

“It just don’t seem prudent to me to have the town go spending all that hard earned tax money on some big lizard thing or whatever – especially when many of us farmers and ranchers are used to spending that same money on 'make work' jobs for our wives or whatever so the money comes into our pockets eventually" he chuckled. "Plus, lizards like the warm weather, so just think of them heating bills and all! Oh yeah, and what are they going to feed the dern thing? So, see, we ain’t against no dadburned flush toilet, we are against some big, scary dragon thing that I ain’t never heard of before yesterday when all them real rancher fellers from other counties and states called me to yell at me to stop embarrassing ranchers the world over. (Guilt by association is indeed a tragic thing!) I told you we farmers/ranchers ain’t all that bad out here" he lied shamelessly, giving a very insincere wink! "If they would just let us destroy Lamont once and for all and praise us endlessly for doing it, then we would have no more problems with the town at all and we could all live in peace until we decided what else we wanted to reduce to rubble as some cosmic payback for our presumably miserable lives, that is” he concluded smugly with his usual circular logic and annoying lack of mental continuity and focus!

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