Feb 7, 2011

“Why Won’t All Them Doggone Women Just Leave Me In Peace?” Says Area Stud-Muffin

Wilber Festoon, an area beefcake when he is not out farming and ranching or bad-mouthing the Town of Lamont, bemoaned his unfortunate luck when a recent survey conducted by the Lamont Blog once again placed him at the pinnacle of masculine attractiveness in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) for the 4th straight year. Mr. Festoon, age 43, described locally as ‘dreamy’, ‘dishy’, ‘hotter than a $2.00 pistol!, ‘pretty as that farmer guy on ‘Hee-Haw’ (Buck Owens? Oh, we at the Lamont Blog want to apologize, Buck!!!), and any number of descriptors that are too ‘off color’ for even the shameless and ‘no stranger to the gutter’ Lamont Blog to dare publish on principle alone. Wilber, as it turns out, just wishes to be left alone to shovel manure, look up at the sky while mumbling ‘looks like rain’ and, of course, watching re-runs of that American artistic classic – the TV show ‘Gunsmoke’!

“Well, this is the GLMA, so of course our manly selection is painfully limited, but one would have to think that Wilber ‘The Love Rooster' Festoon would be considered drop dead gorgeous even in them huge towns like Fairfield, Tekoa and/or Spangle, for Pete’s sake!” said the obviously ‘hot and bothered’ Becky Snopes, age 56, a shockingly not very loyal farm wife and mother of 4 high school drop-outs. “I mean, when he comes a sauntering into the room, you can just hear the gasps for air from them other farm wife battle axes – like ‘The Love Rooster' , I mean Wilber, would ever give them sour old hags a second look while I am in the room!” said Mrs. Snopes modestly while grabbing her rear-end and tugging skyward in a vain and somewhat depressing attempt to counteract decades of abuse heaped on her by that arch rival of Lamont womanhood – that unforgiving beast – gravity! “I just think it is a shame all them hussies throwing themselves at the poor man, but all you have to do is get one look at their husbands and all the pieces seem to fall together, let me tell you. Sure, my husband, Festus, well, he ain’t no prize neither, but at least he has a few of his teeth left, for crying out loud! Why those old biddies would ever think that Wilber (okay, she said ‘The Love Rooster' again, but how much of that nauseating drivel is the Lamont Blog supposed to put up with? I mean, come on!!!) would ever think twice about them when my somewhat ‘rode hard and hung up wet’ radiance was so obviously on display just goes to show you how delusional and pathetic they really are!” she whispered before going over to join a gaggle of the above referenced farm wives – acting just as sweet and friendly as you please.

When asked for comment, ‘The Love Rooster', ahhh, we mean Wilber, just said that it is not his fault that he was blessed with such obvious attributes that the opposite gender finds so totally irresistible and that, although he recognizes the obvious unfairness of life casting his sparkling pearls before so many swine, if you will – but that he is not a man attuned to ‘all that romancing’ and just wants to be left alone with his cows. Upon hearing the news, 70% of the GLMA womenfolk immediately burst into tears and promised to love him from afar until he comes to his senses and chooses them so all the other area hags can look on in envy as they drag poor Wilber around by the nose like they do with their existing farmer/rancher husbands!

(Editorial Note: Oh, that is it! We at the Lamont Blog have to find other work! It is stories like this that make one wonder if those years in journalism school were not a complete and total waste. We may even move out of the country, for Pete’s sake! If this is representative of the ‘Heartland of America” then no wonder this nation is doomed! Oh, the humanity! Man, how could my career path get so doggone screwed up, anyway? Somehow it just seems that the whole world is conspiring against me, for crying out loud! My employer just had me do an article on some guy named ‘The Love Rooster'!! That is just so dang wrong! Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Thank you!)

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