Apr 4, 2011

Area So-Called ‘Pathetic Losers’ And ‘Do-Nothings’ Saddened & Dismayed By All The Good Things Going On In State’s 2nd Smallest Town

In yet another stunning example of how crushing failure can be its own doggone reward, a cabal of area failures, disappointments, laggards and malcontents realized the source of their internal demons when it became obvious that all the good things going on in Lamont were the very well-spring of their crushing insecurities and nagging sense of self-loathing – to say nothing of their simmering anger at the whole stinking world, for crying out loud! “Well, I realized shortly after Lamont made the front page of the Spokane newspaper for all the improvements going on in the place that I began biting my nails down to the quick again – regardless of how much cow manure they had on them!” said Wilber Bodine, 56, an area pathetic loser and farmer/rancher who doesn't even live within the town limits of Lamont, for Pete’s sake. “Oh yeah, and then Lamont got an outrageously generous grant from Whitman County for a new library and one of them fancy flush toilets and I’ll be dadburned if I didn't start having night sweats and began whimpering for my mommy in the wee hours just about every dern night!” (Editorial Note: Too much 'mommy' is what got this whole problem started in the first place! I mean, come on!) said the proud 8th grade drop-out who really is pretty much of a total waste of human potential due to crushing laziness, a desire to see others fail and just a generally anti-progressive world view that somehow includes a hatred of flush toilets.

“Oh, but when they painted that doggone fire station after watching it decay for 60+ years, that was just the last dadburn straw! That is when me and my rancher buddies had to all team up together and draw the line in the dadburn sand since we are too scared to act individually (like real men will do! They let their women do the talking for them, and how! Talk about a clammer! Talk about 'babble' in a truly biblical sense!) outside the safe confines of a genuine (pronounced ‘gen-U-wine’!) mob (oftentimes drunken!) or whatever! Not on our watch, mister! No sir! What is next, giving our kids an actual education as opposed to spending all those limited tax dollars on sports so that all my kin can draw a salary driving bus and/or being a worthless chaperon and all! Sure, I am trying to live vicariously thru the sporting achievements of the modern youngsters since, of course, I was a pathetic loser when I was in school, too, but what in the heck is wrong with that? Plus, if you fill up those kid’s heads with all that fancy book learning and math and science and reading then the next thing you know they will be demanding flush toilets and libraries and access to the Internet and fire hydrant usage in case of a fire emergency and all of those other lures of the very devil himself! As my area cow church teaches dern near every week, anything that doesn’t somehow directly or indirectly benefit cows and thus the ranchers that own them is a complete waste of time and effort and is the very fruit of the devil’s tree!” he fumed with righteous indignation not seen since the heady days of the Spanish Inquisition! (Editorial Note: At least this crowd was so inattentive in school that they never learned about burning people at the stake for their differing beliefs! See, every cloud does have a silver lining, indeed. Thank you!)

“So yeah, me and my total loser friends, none of which live within Lamont itself, by the way, (go figure!) and who all seem to be in favor of absolutely nothing in general and against almost everything in particular are more than a little bent out of shape – and not just because the people who actually live within the town limits have seen thru our outrageous nonsense and shameless double-speak and no longer give us the time of day – let alone attend our so-called 'community events' where we quite graciously invite 'the little people' who don't even own cows over for a bland, starchy, gravy-covered meal so we can shamelessly bad-mouth the town leadership and municipal direction and try to convince the cow-less saps that our Luddite-like, destruction-oriented, decidedly inactive ways are best for them even though they quite obviously seem to be and in fact are designed to work against their own best interests, (like increasing property values! Whoa!) for crying out loud!! Enough is enough already! This town just needs to go back to rotting and decay like it should have been allowed to do in the first place! The darn town is making our rundown ranches look bad, dagnab it!! We just cannot let that stand! No sir!” he concluded while disgustedly kicking the toe of his manure-covered, multi-colored, high-heeled cowboy boot (with all that fancy stitching and flowery designs and what not that looks like it came from one of those countries that still allows bull fighting and where bribing the police is a more or less daily occurance!!) into the closest mole hole where some innocent mole, minding its own doggone business, for Pete's sake, now has to spend the next several hours pushing the dirt out of its hole and trying to vainly remove that manure smell that usually lingers after even the briefest of exposures to one of this underachieving rabble who seem to be against everything in the world (Including personal hygiene! Whoa!!!) except themselves and their petty, short-sighted, narcissistic little plans and schemes where someone always has to lose in order for them to feel like they have somehow won - however fleeting the victory may in fact be!

No comments: