Local Tensions Mount As Yet Another Area Herd Falls Under Insidious Communist Domination

In yet another crushing blow to the self-esteem and self-image of the 2nd smallest town in the Great State of Washington, for the third time in as many weeks a seemingly docile and placid herd of bovines has thrown off the yoke of tyranny and risen up against their oppressors in order to set up a so-called ‘Grazers Paradise’ right here in the Palouse, for crying out loud! This herd, formerly belonging to Scooter Bodine, age 57, finally took matters into their own hands after decades of exploitation, being subject to the yearly “culls” where loved ones are unceremoniously dragged off in the middle of the night and never seen again, where all the young males are shamelessly castrated on a yearly basis for the boss-man’s sadistic pleasure – as well as the daily indignities of having to endure the smell of those constant BBQ’s from the big rancher house (that is really a single-wide trailer – but is a lot fancier than the barn that never even gets a lick of paint or might get shoveled out once or twice a year, given that area farmer laziness that seems to pervade this small part of the Palouse, anyway!) and that same house, of course, is set on a hill so that it can look down on the herd, both physically and metaphorically. “Good gravy, man! That is the third time in as many weeks that a herd just went nuts!” bellowed Chester Festoon, 56, an area rancher whose herd is now showing signs of discontentment and restlessness after decades of supposed ‘peaceful coexistence’. “Heck, that is the natural order of things! The ranchers are on the top and can derive as much benefit and profit from the bodies of the cows as we see fit – and the cows are just supposed to sit there as we exploit them so we can earn enough money for our annual trip to that vacation wonderland – Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, for crying out loud! That’s the way the dadburn system works!” he ranted passionately, bordering on a really annoying temper-tantrum. “Those dern cows are put on this earth to enrich us just like our Cow Church says, and regardless of how awfully we treat them or how often we forget to take hay out to them in the dry months, it is their part of the bargain to just stand their dumbly and act like cows – not like a bunch of hot-blooded revolutionaries with all those banners and slogans who seem hell-bent on setting up some sort of bovine utopia where all fences are laid low, where the artificial distinction of the herd is done away with, and where each cow must give according to its ability while receiving according to its needs! That’s just insane! How does a rancher fit into that scenario? Where do I fit in under than new global paradigm? And what the heck am I supposed to do if that nonsense infects my herd! I can hardly bring myself to drive out to inspect the herd with all of those "stink eyes' those dang cows give me now! Its a powder keg out there, I tell you! And I just bought a new, only slightly used flatbed truck with those cool exhaust pipes that stick up about 12 feet and make all that noise and the wife just put a 5 year supply of jumbo sized ‘Daisy Duke shorts’ on our dadburn credit card! (that was darn near maxed out from all those pork rind purchases! Whoa!) That is the last thing I need right now – this crazy bovine insurrection nonsense that is committed to destroying the established order of things! This is all just so disconcerting and confusing! Dang it all! I knew I should have stayed in school past the 8th grade – then maybe I might be able to figure out what to do!” he sniveled annoyingly! "Oh daddy, I know I was a rotten son, but please come back from the grave to tell me what to do with the commie infested herd! I know I was the dumbest of your sons so of course I inherited the ranch and all, but I need you now, daddy! Oh, daddy!" he whined pathetically while falling to his knees and sobbing!

“Well, with the fall of the Berlin Wall all those decades ago, Americans somehow grew complacent and lost their vigilance in the face of what was the biggest threat to our capitalistic system in the 20th century” said Dr. Festus Snopes, an area bovine political scientist. “So, it is somewhat ironic that the minute we no longer have to obsess over all of those ‘communist hoards’ sweeping over us, now we are faced with something even more diabolical and frightening – ‘communist herds’!! (Okay, we know you saw that one coming a mile away!) And these dern caldrons of political instability are right in our own backyard – and in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and maybe even in the District of Columbia, although the nation’s capitol has always been a hotbed of leftist commie intrigue and so that is no real surprise, if you think about it. I just don’t see how the Good Ol’ USA is going to pull these chestnuts from the fire of international revolutionary bovine zeal and all of that. I do find it ironic that the commie masterminds would see fit to unleash their nefarious plans at the nation’s weakest point – the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) where farmers and ranchers are against libraries, flush toilets, painting town buildings after 60 years of decay, one-man-one-vote, and where even area church leaders support drunken mobs to help undermine the existing American institutions that we all take for granted - to say nothing about supporting the local crime families against the existing governmental entities tasked with maintaining law and order. Yep, they struck at America’s weakest point – and now there will be hell to pay for all of us!” he said gravely while rushing down into his root cellar with 3-4 cases of cheap beer, just in case things go south more quickly than expected!

Royal News: Century West Engineering's Erika, “The Parrot Princess”, Is The Biological Sister Of Notorious “Baroness d'Bon-Bon”

In a stunning testament that breeding and genetic lineage is in fact 98.6% of success in life after all, in spite of all of that ‘make hay while the sun shines’, 'a stitch in time, saves nine' and, of course, that stupid ‘keep your nose to the grindstone’ nonsense that people, mainly parents, mother-in-laws and those pesky employers, like to endlessly yammer on about - an area gathering of seemingly normal citizens were observed chanting “We are not worthy, Lea!!” and “Baroness d'Bon-bon! Baroness d'Bon-bon!” after a local man allowed a few choice intimates to sample a shockingly generous assortment of homemade bon-bons given to him by Lea, the sister of Erika of Century West Engineering fame, aka ‘The uber-goddess of efficiency’. These said bon-bons, if that inadequate and decidedly plebeian term can be used in regard to such culinary excellence, (like calling the Mona Lisa 'one of them old paintings' or whatever!) were the source of widespread civil discord after proving once and for all that ‘No one can eat just one”.

“Well, I was trying to be nice and all and give a few of the church ladies a taste of excellence and refinement long absent in the stodgy wastes of Eastern Washington when the next thing I knew I was being pummeled senseless by countless purses as the suddenly enraged and desperate mob of normally genteel and erudite church ladies made a kamikaze lunge for my not unlimited bon-bon bag” said an area man who, although his bloodline and genetic lineage is suspect (to say the least!!) somehow befriended the quite capable and efficient Erika (truth be known, she took pity on the poor wretch, and made some vain and futile attempt to ‘rescue’ him from his own inane and self-destructive nature although his obviously inferior genetic makeup and decidedly withered family tree negated these gallant efforts quite easily) and thus she gave him some of these rare and beautiful ‘bon-bons’ made by her equally excellent and quite capable sister, Lea, the so-called 'Baroness' from the "Bon-bon region' of one of those European countries over there or whatever, late last week.

“So, when I finally regained consciousness and managed to splash a little cold water on all of those facial bruises shaped just like purse buckles, I happened to glance around the corner and there they were, joined by their men-folk now, on bended knee, rumps pointing gallantly at the sky, pleading in the general direction of Erika’s outrageously talented and obviously generous sister Lea for more of the smooth, creamy, dainty delicacies (That pack a chocolate punch! Whoa!) and that were so good even a man would eat them! Sadly for all of us, there were any number of professional plumbers in the kneeling crowd, and to be quite honest, I could very easily go the rest of my life without witnessing that horrid sight again! Whatever happened to Nancy Reagan’s “Just say no to crack’ campaign, anyway? And right there in church, too!! Needless to say, the sight of those pasty white horrors pretty much turned me away from food in general, although those homemade bon-bons exist on some higher plane than that, so it was with no small amount of sadness that I glanced down at my feet (where he was missing one shoe from that unfortunate melee!) and saw the battered remains of the once proud bon-bon bag, ripped asunder as if by the fury of a 1000 hounds of hell, with traces of what appeared to be human saliva still glistening in the gentle Spring sunlight. It was all very disconcerting and confusing!” he stammered pathetically. (Let the record show that this poor sap did in fact get his butt whooped by a bunch of matronly, AARP card-carrying church ladies! Oh, how sad is that? Oh, the shame must be unbearable!)

(Editorial Note: As of this writing, 100’s of area residents are going door-to-door, randomly canvassing the Greater Spokane Metropolitan Area, desperately inquiring “Are you Lea, Erika’s sister? Do you know where her Ladyship the Baroness Lea lives?” and/or frantically attempting to capture the scent of fresh, delicious chocolate somehow wafting, by chance, on the gentle breeze. And for the record, allocating differing titles to sisters with all those decades of sibling rivalry is, of course, a wise and prudent move. (Thus one is a princess and one a baroness! Plus, baroness and bon-bon both start with 'B', which somehow makes sense, we guess!) If you are ever dern fool enough to go running off half cocked and inadvertently give two sisters the same title, well, it is safe to assume that you are more than likely hours or even minutes away from a hair pulling, no-holds-barred chick fight - so it is just generally prudent to provide at least a modicum of differentiation, however superficial or symbolic that distinction may in fact be. Thank you!)

“Enough time has passed already! Lamont now needs a flush toilet!” Warns Powerful Local Samurai Warlord

Another influential and potentially cranky area resident has decided ‘enough is enough’ and has thrown his considerable prestige, not to mention his quite impressive hand-to-hand combat skills, in with the growing chorus of people who now feel that Lamont has gone long enough without a device that most other real, normal, fully-functioning towns have had for well over 100 years, the obviously misunderstood yet humble 'flush toilet'. Mr. Toranaga, when he is not out crushing his enemies or throwing invading Mongol hoards back into the sea where they belong, lives at 1102 Garfield St in Lamont where he tends his rock garden, writes haiku poetry in some strange language that doesn’t even use real letters, and has friends over for some highly ritualized tea ceremony that no Westerner could ever really understand. (and that takes about 8 hours to complete, for Pete's sake!)

“Well, this is bushido!” said the outwardly calm yet obviously agitated local warlord whose bloodline stretches back unbroken for over 200 generations – almost as long as the Emperor of Japan's himself. “It is bad enough that the area firefighters thought they could fight fires the way Japanese peasants fought them in the 16th Century – by carting water in buckets to the fire – and although the buckets these people chose to use were somewhat bigger, the concept was still the same – only the scale was different. So, just like using a fire hydrant is an idea whose time has come, it is also time for Lamont to break out of its shocking lethergy and put in a flush toilet. I mean, come on!” said Toranaga-sama in a calm, cool voice that lets everyone know that heads are about to roll, quite literally, if his sage advice is not heeded promptly. “Heck, in rural Japan in the 15th and 16th centuries, using your Western calendar, of course, even the most primitive of Eta or the lowliest shopkeeper could manage some kind of setup for the so-called ‘call of nature’. So, if these uneducated peasants could manage this feat over 500 years ago, can someone please tell me why Lamont has not been able to accomplish this after 100 years of being a town in the country that put a man on the moon? Sheesh! That is pretty sad" he said thoughtfully while shaking that big helmet-looking thing with those frightening although somewhat impractical horns back and forth or whatever.

(Editorial Note: The term ‘Bushido’ refers to the Samurai code of conduct, and should not be confused with a similar local word that somehow refers to one of several of those unfortunate ‘cow byproducts’ that make Lamont so famous. So before you church ninnies go getting all up in arms shouting from the rooftops “The Lamont Blog cussed, the Lamont Blog cussed!!”, might we suggest you do a little research, maybe in the soon to be open Lamont Library, and/or read the quite excellent book “Shogun” by James Clavell. I know reading a book will naturally lower your social standing within your relative social network, but opening up yourself to the world can only provide a level of comfort and understanding that is so obviously lacking in a life filled with watching cows graze, badmouthing the Town, shoveling manure (same thing as badmouthing the Town!!) and watching Gunsmoke reruns while eating pork rinds. Thank you!)

Area Cattleman Church Releases Own Version Of “10 Commandments” With Controversial “Unless Thou Owneth Cows” Clause Tacked To Each

In yet another sad episode in the long, slow decline of Christianity in this part of America, an area cow church finally put into writing what they have long agreed to and felt when they decided to have special bibles printed (with cow hide covers, no less!) that modified the once written in stone ’10 Commandments’ to something that more closely matches their actual world view and the way they have treated others for as long as anyone in these parts can remember. These area ‘church members’ have long assumed and acted like the petty, demeaning rules of man didn’t apply to them, so in reality this slight expansion (to them) of exempting themselves from the Laws of God is not that big of a deal, or so they claim at every opportunity. “Heck, what is all the fuss about?” asked Wilber Snopes, 54, an area cow church board member. “We own cows, and God is the one who gave us those cows, although we, of course, take all the credit, and so do you really think He would have given us those cows with all the local snob appeal that holds if He intended for those silly rules to apply to us – like they apply to those stupid, cow-less, non-rancher saps who we farm-folk all look down upon with disgust and loathing? You know, my daddy got this here land from his daddy who got it free from the government, and I in turn got it from my old man, so thank goodness the laws of inheritance enable our obnoxious, earthy family behavior to be passed from generation to generation, slowly poisoning the whole dern area unto death!” he said with a crazy mixture of pride and genuine exasperation with the confusion over cow ownership being the lynch-pin of true human dominance. “Heck, we are obviously God’s chosen cow-owning people and can do what the dern heck we want, even if that goes against the very bible itself, because when you have cows that means the rules (for those little people!) don’t apply to you, regardless of who makes them – even the Lord Himself, right?" he gushed blasphemously with the twinkle in the eye of the truly insane. "And as our church proves, you can make that there so-called bible say any dern thing you want it to, as long as you are dealing with bible illiterates. We are living proof of that concept, yes sir!" he stammered smugly.

"How else do you think we as a group could oppose using fire hydrants in the town with a clear conscience, even though that put the lives and property of those pathetic cow-less losers at greater risk? And how do you think we managed to sleep like little babies when we shamelessly and inappropriately injected ourselves into town politics for decades on end to ensure the town withered on the vine, (while ignoring their actual bible-defined mission!!) even though the bible, which we obviously love to use as a weapon, not as a guide for our own behavior as it was intended, clearly states that we should “Give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s”? Oh yeah, and how else could we oppose the new library after shamelessly ginning up (no pun intended!) a drunken mob to oppose it, even though we do not live within the town and don’t have an actual legal say in the matter, although our misplaced pride and obnoxious controlling natures demand that we shamelessly meddle in everyone else’s lives while not giving ours even a second thought? Oh, and of course we worship on Sunday, the historical day for worship of the 'Sun god", although the 4th Commandment clearly says to remember the Sabbath (Friday evening at sunset to Saturday evening at sunset) – but of course we know better than whoever wrote that thing and, of course, that gives us the opportunity to follow our actual spiritual role model, the shamelessly pagan Roman leader Constantine, who unilaterally changed the date of Christian worship so that the various 'Sun' worshiping pagan groups (thus "Sunday') in the Roman empire would not go getting all upset and go tearing up the place or whatever. (you know how those pagan types tend to fly off the handle at the drop of the hat and are just looking for a reason to revolt or whatever!) Now that was a man who understood how to use Christianity for worldly political and financial gain! One cannot help but admire the man for that! What a genius! I even named my favorite cow Constantine!" he said proudly while pulling a photo of the suspect bovine from his wallet.

"So, you don’t do all those sort of things as a so-called church for decades on end if you are beholden to some supposed book that tells you what you can and can't do. That would just be so limiting, wouldn’t it? How silly! And who cares if there is not a single, solitary person from the town who attends our cow church (who doesn’t work there and derive benefit from the enterprise, that is) – because none of them townie losers actually own cows, now do they – and who would want people like that who are so obviously in disfavor with the Lord sitting next to you in the doggone pew, for crying out loud?? (Those cow-less wretches don't even have the decency to have a fresh coating of manure on their fancy church boots or whatever like a proper cow-churcher should! That fact alone would just be so culturally out of context for the setting and thus inappropriate!!) The very fact that we have cows shows the world and certainly that stupid town that we all want to see slowly die thru neglect and strife that we are in His favor and thus His true inquisitor-like emissaries, and thus we can treat the other area residents as badly and with as much real contempt and scorn as we want. That is half the fun of owning cows! I am just sad that burning people at the stake went out of style all those years ago. Now that would set the cotton-pickin' pecking order in these parts once and for all, now wouldn't it? Hey! We own cows! They don't!! Can’t you see that? It can't get much clearer than that!” he fumed with genuine confusion and befuddlement while maliciously cramming the malodorous toe of his brightly colored, manure-encrusted cowboy boot (with all that fancy flowery stitching!) into some unfortunate mole's hole - thus forcing the poor thing to move it's small family to another part of the yard to get away from the smell, for Pete's sake!

(Editorial Note: For the sake of brevity, we left off the part about the 'Cow Church's' somewhat ironic fascination with their own much-revered 'golden calf', given that that said golden calf in this case is in fact their own narcissistic, self-absorbed and obviously inflated sense of self-importance and supposed superiority over others, mainly those living in the poor town of Lamont. That whole concept was just too complex and outrageous (to say nothing of shocking/troubling!) to try to explain in the space alloted by this humble yet obviously frugal news organ. Thank you!!)

Lamont Blog Stock Price Plummets On News Of Coming Global Shortage Of Wacky Parrot-Related Stories

The Lamont Blog, a 'Fortune 500' Wall Street powerhouse and vast media empire whose influence and reputation since its founding in 2008 has almost stretched to the Adams County line in Eastern Washington, faced a vast sell-off after industry analysts predicted that Erika, that so-called ‘uber-goddess of efficiency’ from the best engineering firm in the whole darn world, Century West, was “experiencing overall life contentment’ and thus was expected to be ‘too busy’ and ‘doing more important, truly meaningful things’ to produce one of the vital core ingredients that has made the Lamont Blog the media titan that it is, whatever that means, anyway.

“The Lamont Blog has dominated the media market in far, far, far Northwest Whitman County, WA with a somewhat 'unique and varied' mix of cutting-edge real-life news articles on topics ranging from unfortunate alien encounters, cows, citizens who refuse to modernize past the year 1700, cows, area church politics, cows, in-depth and disturbingly accurate psychological profiles of area ranchers (not the national ones! Whoa! We have a unique situation out here, people!), and, of course, cows – with a recent Pulitzer Prize winning expose’ on the area fire fighters not wanting to use a simple fire hydrant, if anyone can believe that one, (yes, it does stretch credulity!) but the bedrock and true anchor of their media empire has always been the occasional parrot story and the messes those crazy birds can get themselves into” said Wilber Vanderbilt III, a senior Wall Street Analyst. “And given the tenuous global economy and the fact that improved social and economic conditions have necessitated that the world’s primary source of parrot trivia, a certain Erika, is now primarily focused on her nice family, her cutting edge job with an engineering powerhouse, hob-nobbing with 'the beautiful people', and, of course, managing her quite successful regional ‘parrot rescue’ program, so the Lamont Blog is basically left high and dry to twist in the wind!” said analyst Vanderbilt from his fancy-pants New York City office. “A shortage of parrot related stories and/or the raw materials that compose them has always been the Lamont Blog’s strategic ‘Achilles Heel’, and we had no choice but to downgrade the Lamont Blog stock evaluation after Erika released a somewhat terse statement saying she was ‘just too busy now-a-days’ and that she ‘just didn’t have time to share stories that no one ever reads!”.

Shares of the Lamont Blog (NYSE: Lablog) traded sharply lower at the opening bell, trading at $62.47, down from their yearly high of $146.21 achieved earlier this year when a boxing kangaroo beat the tar out of the whole darn town and the Lamont Blog had a basic monopoly on that outrageous undertaking. “I just don’t see how the Lamont Blog can recover from this level of international parrot-related insecurity, not in today’s over-crowded Blog environment and with the dollar in the shape that it is in!” said Vanderbilt. “The sun might be setting on the Lamont Blog after all, thanks to that obviously industrious Erika having a happy, fun-filled, rewarding, rich life where she cannot be bothered with industry ‘show-stoppers’ like a somewhat steady stream of parrot lore - like that time the dern bird of hers imitated the oven timer at a family gathering, ruining the Christmas turkey as some sort of greater avian social protest or like when that parrot she adopted decided to raise a whole doggone litter of abandoned kittens, just to show that the species doesn’t carry a grudge!!” The Lamont Blog did not return phone calls for this article, presumably because they are sniveling about the unfairness of it all and/or because they are fixing up their house so they can move to New Mexico, should the weather ever remain good enough to actually finish up all that ‘outside stuff’.

Entire Nation Jubilant After Troublemaking Cow, ‘Rosie Bin Grazin’ Dispatched To Meat Processing Plant In Daring Midnight Raid

A thankful sigh of relief was released by the nation’s collective throats after America’s ‘Public Bovine Enemy #1’ was finally brought to justice after years of unspeakable outrages like head-butting other members of the herd, going to the bathroom on the fresh hay and, of course, hogging the saltlick when other cows were obviously waiting. Bin Grazin, age 4, came from an affluent Oregon ranch and was raised in relative luxury, but was expelled from the herd of its birth after showing signs of anti-social behavior that only got worse over the years. (Of course the beastly bovine would end up in Lamont! Oh, why is it always thus?) “Well, this is truly a remarkable day for all Americans!” said Peter Turnkey, a Food and Drug Administration representative currently on a top-secret assignment with Homeland Security. “It took many years, but finally the full intelligence assets of the United States were able to track this monster to a secluded gulch out behind the Bodine ranch 7 miles outside of Lamont, WA! This is an intelligence success of the first order, and credit needs to go to those brave heroes who risked their lives in bringing this sad saga to a close for all of us! May God continue to bless the United States of America! We have so much to be thankful for! USA! USA! USA! USA!” he gushed insanely.

“Well, we got the call at approximately 11:27 PM and were ordered to pack our gear and ship out in under 30 minutes” said Wilbur Snopes, 24, one of the farm hand heroes who was on the clandestine late night mission. “Sure, things were tense as we all loaded onto the back of one of those flatbed trucks that seem to be all the rage in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA). Although fear is a natural byproduct of this sort of mission and needs to be controlled and channeled, never denied, we just all had to fall back on our training and hope that our lassoes and cattle prods didn’t fail us when things got hot. We just did what we were trained for – and things went our way, thank goodness. We were all very fortunate, but those long hours of reading farm supply catalogs and observing the herd from afar certainly paid dividends when the chips were down. This country is very fortunate to have a trained core cadre of bovine professionals upon which to call when the big tasks need to go down – and thankfully I am one of those rare and quite extraordinary individuals with the talents, bravery, gumption and verve that this nation obviously cannot live without!” he said with the usual outrageous lack of farmer modesty and grossly inflated sense of self-importance.

At approximately 12:02 PM PST, Farm Hand Squad # 6 were delivered to the forbidding, isolated gulch and immediately engaged a number of other cows who were obviously there to protect Bin Grazin. After a brief skirmish where as many of 6 of these co-conspirators had to be wrestled to the ground rodeo fashion and hog-tied or calf-roped or whatever that is called, the team was eventually able to confront Bin Grazin directly. The team leader, Bubba Bodine, 46, made the offer for Bin Grazin to surrender, but the committed trouble-maker chose to fight it out to the end so the insertion team had no choice but to use force and man-handle the reprobate into a waiting cattle truck that immediately began the long haul to that meat processing plant in Idaho with an armed escort of trained ranchers to ensure a ‘Mission Accomplished’ once and for all so the opportunistic Democrats can't whine and wring their hands in mock outrage (like a bunch of ninnies!!) for decades to come. Although local and national leaders are naturally pleased with the outcome of this daring mission, they caution their fellow Americans that just because one trouble-making cow was finally brought to justice, there is still a dangerous network of bovine extremists out there that can still make our lives a living hell at a time and place of their choosing. Insiders report that Bin Grazin would have, in fact, been buried at sea, but we live in Eastern Washington and it is a long way to the ocean, (where that fancy-pants Long Beach is!) and with the price of beef on the hoof being what it is, that just didn't seem sensible somehow, if you think about it.