May 27, 2011

Local Tensions Mount As Yet Another Area Herd Falls Under Insidious Communist Domination

In yet another crushing blow to the self-esteem and self-image of the 2nd smallest town in the Great State of Washington, for the third time in as many weeks a seemingly docile and placid herd of bovines has thrown off the yoke of tyranny and risen up against their oppressors in order to set up a so-called ‘Grazers Paradise’ right here in the Palouse, for crying out loud! This herd, formerly belonging to Scooter Bodine, age 57, finally took matters into their own hands after decades of exploitation, being subject to the yearly “culls” where loved ones are unceremoniously dragged off in the middle of the night and never seen again, where all the young males are shamelessly castrated on a yearly basis for the boss-man’s sadistic pleasure – as well as the daily indignities of having to endure the smell of those constant BBQ’s from the big rancher house (that is really a single-wide trailer – but is a lot fancier than the barn that never even gets a lick of paint or might get shoveled out once or twice a year, given that area farmer laziness that seems to pervade this small part of the Palouse, anyway!) and that same house, of course, is set on a hill so that it can look down on the herd, both physically and metaphorically. “Good gravy, man! That is the third time in as many weeks that a herd just went nuts!” bellowed Chester Festoon, 56, an area rancher whose herd is now showing signs of discontentment and restlessness after decades of supposed ‘peaceful coexistence’. “Heck, that is the natural order of things! The ranchers are on the top and can derive as much benefit and profit from the bodies of the cows as we see fit – and the cows are just supposed to sit there as we exploit them so we can earn enough money for our annual trip to that vacation wonderland – Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, for crying out loud! That’s the way the dadburn system works!” he ranted passionately, bordering on a really annoying temper-tantrum. “Those dern cows are put on this earth to enrich us just like our Cow Church says, and regardless of how awfully we treat them or how often we forget to take hay out to them in the dry months, it is their part of the bargain to just stand their dumbly and act like cows – not like a bunch of hot-blooded revolutionaries with all those banners and slogans who seem hell-bent on setting up some sort of bovine utopia where all fences are laid low, where the artificial distinction of the herd is done away with, and where each cow must give according to its ability while receiving according to its needs! That’s just insane! How does a rancher fit into that scenario? Where do I fit in under than new global paradigm? And what the heck am I supposed to do if that nonsense infects my herd! I can hardly bring myself to drive out to inspect the herd with all of those "stink eyes' those dang cows give me now! Its a powder keg out there, I tell you! And I just bought a new, only slightly used flatbed truck with those cool exhaust pipes that stick up about 12 feet and make all that noise and the wife just put a 5 year supply of jumbo sized ‘Daisy Duke shorts’ on our dadburn credit card! (that was darn near maxed out from all those pork rind purchases! Whoa!) That is the last thing I need right now – this crazy bovine insurrection nonsense that is committed to destroying the established order of things! This is all just so disconcerting and confusing! Dang it all! I knew I should have stayed in school past the 8th grade – then maybe I might be able to figure out what to do!” he sniveled annoyingly! "Oh daddy, I know I was a rotten son, but please come back from the grave to tell me what to do with the commie infested herd! I know I was the dumbest of your sons so of course I inherited the ranch and all, but I need you now, daddy! Oh, daddy!" he whined pathetically while falling to his knees and sobbing!

“Well, with the fall of the Berlin Wall all those decades ago, Americans somehow grew complacent and lost their vigilance in the face of what was the biggest threat to our capitalistic system in the 20th century” said Dr. Festus Snopes, an area bovine political scientist. “So, it is somewhat ironic that the minute we no longer have to obsess over all of those ‘communist hoards’ sweeping over us, now we are faced with something even more diabolical and frightening – ‘communist herds’!! (Okay, we know you saw that one coming a mile away!) And these dern caldrons of political instability are right in our own backyard – and in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and maybe even in the District of Columbia, although the nation’s capitol has always been a hotbed of leftist commie intrigue and so that is no real surprise, if you think about it. I just don’t see how the Good Ol’ USA is going to pull these chestnuts from the fire of international revolutionary bovine zeal and all of that. I do find it ironic that the commie masterminds would see fit to unleash their nefarious plans at the nation’s weakest point – the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) where farmers and ranchers are against libraries, flush toilets, painting town buildings after 60 years of decay, one-man-one-vote, and where even area church leaders support drunken mobs to help undermine the existing American institutions that we all take for granted - to say nothing about supporting the local crime families against the existing governmental entities tasked with maintaining law and order. Yep, they struck at America’s weakest point – and now there will be hell to pay for all of us!” he said gravely while rushing down into his root cellar with 3-4 cases of cheap beer, just in case things go south more quickly than expected!

No comments: