May 13, 2011

Area Cattleman Church Releases Own Version Of “10 Commandments” With Controversial “Unless Thou Owneth Cows” Clause Tacked To Each

In yet another sad episode in the long, slow decline of Christianity in this part of America, an area cow church finally put into writing what they have long agreed to and felt when they decided to have special bibles printed (with cow hide covers, no less!) that modified the once written in stone ’10 Commandments’ to something that more closely matches their actual world view and the way they have treated others for as long as anyone in these parts can remember. These area ‘church members’ have long assumed and acted like the petty, demeaning rules of man didn’t apply to them, so in reality this slight expansion (to them) of exempting themselves from the Laws of God is not that big of a deal, or so they claim at every opportunity. “Heck, what is all the fuss about?” asked Wilber Snopes, 54, an area cow church board member. “We own cows, and God is the one who gave us those cows, although we, of course, take all the credit, and so do you really think He would have given us those cows with all the local snob appeal that holds if He intended for those silly rules to apply to us – like they apply to those stupid, cow-less, non-rancher saps who we farm-folk all look down upon with disgust and loathing? You know, my daddy got this here land from his daddy who got it free from the government, and I in turn got it from my old man, so thank goodness the laws of inheritance enable our obnoxious, earthy family behavior to be passed from generation to generation, slowly poisoning the whole dern area unto death!” he said with a crazy mixture of pride and genuine exasperation with the confusion over cow ownership being the lynch-pin of true human dominance. “Heck, we are obviously God’s chosen cow-owning people and can do what the dern heck we want, even if that goes against the very bible itself, because when you have cows that means the rules (for those little people!) don’t apply to you, regardless of who makes them – even the Lord Himself, right?" he gushed blasphemously with the twinkle in the eye of the truly insane. "And as our church proves, you can make that there so-called bible say any dern thing you want it to, as long as you are dealing with bible illiterates. We are living proof of that concept, yes sir!" he stammered smugly.

"How else do you think we as a group could oppose using fire hydrants in the town with a clear conscience, even though that put the lives and property of those pathetic cow-less losers at greater risk? And how do you think we managed to sleep like little babies when we shamelessly and inappropriately injected ourselves into town politics for decades on end to ensure the town withered on the vine, (while ignoring their actual bible-defined mission!!) even though the bible, which we obviously love to use as a weapon, not as a guide for our own behavior as it was intended, clearly states that we should “Give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s”? Oh yeah, and how else could we oppose the new library after shamelessly ginning up (no pun intended!) a drunken mob to oppose it, even though we do not live within the town and don’t have an actual legal say in the matter, although our misplaced pride and obnoxious controlling natures demand that we shamelessly meddle in everyone else’s lives while not giving ours even a second thought? Oh, and of course we worship on Sunday, the historical day for worship of the 'Sun god", although the 4th Commandment clearly says to remember the Sabbath (Friday evening at sunset to Saturday evening at sunset) – but of course we know better than whoever wrote that thing and, of course, that gives us the opportunity to follow our actual spiritual role model, the shamelessly pagan Roman leader Constantine, who unilaterally changed the date of Christian worship so that the various 'Sun' worshiping pagan groups (thus "Sunday') in the Roman empire would not go getting all upset and go tearing up the place or whatever. (you know how those pagan types tend to fly off the handle at the drop of the hat and are just looking for a reason to revolt or whatever!) Now that was a man who understood how to use Christianity for worldly political and financial gain! One cannot help but admire the man for that! What a genius! I even named my favorite cow Constantine!" he said proudly while pulling a photo of the suspect bovine from his wallet.

"So, you don’t do all those sort of things as a so-called church for decades on end if you are beholden to some supposed book that tells you what you can and can't do. That would just be so limiting, wouldn’t it? How silly! And who cares if there is not a single, solitary person from the town who attends our cow church (who doesn’t work there and derive benefit from the enterprise, that is) – because none of them townie losers actually own cows, now do they – and who would want people like that who are so obviously in disfavor with the Lord sitting next to you in the doggone pew, for crying out loud?? (Those cow-less wretches don't even have the decency to have a fresh coating of manure on their fancy church boots or whatever like a proper cow-churcher should! That fact alone would just be so culturally out of context for the setting and thus inappropriate!!) The very fact that we have cows shows the world and certainly that stupid town that we all want to see slowly die thru neglect and strife that we are in His favor and thus His true inquisitor-like emissaries, and thus we can treat the other area residents as badly and with as much real contempt and scorn as we want. That is half the fun of owning cows! I am just sad that burning people at the stake went out of style all those years ago. Now that would set the cotton-pickin' pecking order in these parts once and for all, now wouldn't it? Hey! We own cows! They don't!! Can’t you see that? It can't get much clearer than that!” he fumed with genuine confusion and befuddlement while maliciously cramming the malodorous toe of his brightly colored, manure-encrusted cowboy boot (with all that fancy flowery stitching!) into some unfortunate mole's hole - thus forcing the poor thing to move it's small family to another part of the yard to get away from the smell, for Pete's sake!

(Editorial Note: For the sake of brevity, we left off the part about the 'Cow Church's' somewhat ironic fascination with their own much-revered 'golden calf', given that that said golden calf in this case is in fact their own narcissistic, self-absorbed and obviously inflated sense of self-importance and supposed superiority over others, mainly those living in the poor town of Lamont. That whole concept was just too complex and outrageous (to say nothing of shocking/troubling!) to try to explain in the space alloted by this humble yet obviously frugal news organ. Thank you!!)

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