May 2, 2011

Entire Nation Jubilant After Troublemaking Cow, ‘Rosie Bin Grazin’ Dispatched To Meat Processing Plant In Daring Midnight Raid

A thankful sigh of relief was released by the nation’s collective throats after America’s ‘Public Bovine Enemy #1’ was finally brought to justice after years of unspeakable outrages like head-butting other members of the herd, going to the bathroom on the fresh hay and, of course, hogging the saltlick when other cows were obviously waiting. Bin Grazin, age 4, came from an affluent Oregon ranch and was raised in relative luxury, but was expelled from the herd of its birth after showing signs of anti-social behavior that only got worse over the years. (Of course the beastly bovine would end up in Lamont! Oh, why is it always thus?) “Well, this is truly a remarkable day for all Americans!” said Peter Turnkey, a Food and Drug Administration representative currently on a top-secret assignment with Homeland Security. “It took many years, but finally the full intelligence assets of the United States were able to track this monster to a secluded gulch out behind the Bodine ranch 7 miles outside of Lamont, WA! This is an intelligence success of the first order, and credit needs to go to those brave heroes who risked their lives in bringing this sad saga to a close for all of us! May God continue to bless the United States of America! We have so much to be thankful for! USA! USA! USA! USA!” he gushed insanely.

“Well, we got the call at approximately 11:27 PM and were ordered to pack our gear and ship out in under 30 minutes” said Wilbur Snopes, 24, one of the farm hand heroes who was on the clandestine late night mission. “Sure, things were tense as we all loaded onto the back of one of those flatbed trucks that seem to be all the rage in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA). Although fear is a natural byproduct of this sort of mission and needs to be controlled and channeled, never denied, we just all had to fall back on our training and hope that our lassoes and cattle prods didn’t fail us when things got hot. We just did what we were trained for – and things went our way, thank goodness. We were all very fortunate, but those long hours of reading farm supply catalogs and observing the herd from afar certainly paid dividends when the chips were down. This country is very fortunate to have a trained core cadre of bovine professionals upon which to call when the big tasks need to go down – and thankfully I am one of those rare and quite extraordinary individuals with the talents, bravery, gumption and verve that this nation obviously cannot live without!” he said with the usual outrageous lack of farmer modesty and grossly inflated sense of self-importance.

At approximately 12:02 PM PST, Farm Hand Squad # 6 were delivered to the forbidding, isolated gulch and immediately engaged a number of other cows who were obviously there to protect Bin Grazin. After a brief skirmish where as many of 6 of these co-conspirators had to be wrestled to the ground rodeo fashion and hog-tied or calf-roped or whatever that is called, the team was eventually able to confront Bin Grazin directly. The team leader, Bubba Bodine, 46, made the offer for Bin Grazin to surrender, but the committed trouble-maker chose to fight it out to the end so the insertion team had no choice but to use force and man-handle the reprobate into a waiting cattle truck that immediately began the long haul to that meat processing plant in Idaho with an armed escort of trained ranchers to ensure a ‘Mission Accomplished’ once and for all so the opportunistic Democrats can't whine and wring their hands in mock outrage (like a bunch of ninnies!!) for decades to come. Although local and national leaders are naturally pleased with the outcome of this daring mission, they caution their fellow Americans that just because one trouble-making cow was finally brought to justice, there is still a dangerous network of bovine extremists out there that can still make our lives a living hell at a time and place of their choosing. Insiders report that Bin Grazin would have, in fact, been buried at sea, but we live in Eastern Washington and it is a long way to the ocean, (where that fancy-pants Long Beach is!) and with the price of beef on the hoof being what it is, that just didn't seem sensible somehow, if you think about it.

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