May 22, 2011

Royal News: Century West Engineering's Erika, “The Parrot Princess”, Is The Biological Sister Of Notorious “Baroness d'Bon-Bon”

In a stunning testament that breeding and genetic lineage is in fact 98.6% of success in life after all, in spite of all of that ‘make hay while the sun shines’, 'a stitch in time, saves nine' and, of course, that stupid ‘keep your nose to the grindstone’ nonsense that people, mainly parents, mother-in-laws and those pesky employers, like to endlessly yammer on about - an area gathering of seemingly normal citizens were observed chanting “We are not worthy, Lea!!” and “Baroness d'Bon-bon! Baroness d'Bon-bon!” after a local man allowed a few choice intimates to sample a shockingly generous assortment of homemade bon-bons given to him by Lea, the sister of Erika of Century West Engineering fame, aka ‘The uber-goddess of efficiency’. These said bon-bons, if that inadequate and decidedly plebeian term can be used in regard to such culinary excellence, (like calling the Mona Lisa 'one of them old paintings' or whatever!) were the source of widespread civil discord after proving once and for all that ‘No one can eat just one”.

“Well, I was trying to be nice and all and give a few of the church ladies a taste of excellence and refinement long absent in the stodgy wastes of Eastern Washington when the next thing I knew I was being pummeled senseless by countless purses as the suddenly enraged and desperate mob of normally genteel and erudite church ladies made a kamikaze lunge for my not unlimited bon-bon bag” said an area man who, although his bloodline and genetic lineage is suspect (to say the least!!) somehow befriended the quite capable and efficient Erika (truth be known, she took pity on the poor wretch, and made some vain and futile attempt to ‘rescue’ him from his own inane and self-destructive nature although his obviously inferior genetic makeup and decidedly withered family tree negated these gallant efforts quite easily) and thus she gave him some of these rare and beautiful ‘bon-bons’ made by her equally excellent and quite capable sister, Lea, the so-called 'Baroness' from the "Bon-bon region' of one of those European countries over there or whatever, late last week.

“So, when I finally regained consciousness and managed to splash a little cold water on all of those facial bruises shaped just like purse buckles, I happened to glance around the corner and there they were, joined by their men-folk now, on bended knee, rumps pointing gallantly at the sky, pleading in the general direction of Erika’s outrageously talented and obviously generous sister Lea for more of the smooth, creamy, dainty delicacies (That pack a chocolate punch! Whoa!) and that were so good even a man would eat them! Sadly for all of us, there were any number of professional plumbers in the kneeling crowd, and to be quite honest, I could very easily go the rest of my life without witnessing that horrid sight again! Whatever happened to Nancy Reagan’s “Just say no to crack’ campaign, anyway? And right there in church, too!! Needless to say, the sight of those pasty white horrors pretty much turned me away from food in general, although those homemade bon-bons exist on some higher plane than that, so it was with no small amount of sadness that I glanced down at my feet (where he was missing one shoe from that unfortunate melee!) and saw the battered remains of the once proud bon-bon bag, ripped asunder as if by the fury of a 1000 hounds of hell, with traces of what appeared to be human saliva still glistening in the gentle Spring sunlight. It was all very disconcerting and confusing!” he stammered pathetically. (Let the record show that this poor sap did in fact get his butt whooped by a bunch of matronly, AARP card-carrying church ladies! Oh, how sad is that? Oh, the shame must be unbearable!)

(Editorial Note: As of this writing, 100’s of area residents are going door-to-door, randomly canvassing the Greater Spokane Metropolitan Area, desperately inquiring “Are you Lea, Erika’s sister? Do you know where her Ladyship the Baroness Lea lives?” and/or frantically attempting to capture the scent of fresh, delicious chocolate somehow wafting, by chance, on the gentle breeze. And for the record, allocating differing titles to sisters with all those decades of sibling rivalry is, of course, a wise and prudent move. (Thus one is a princess and one a baroness! Plus, baroness and bon-bon both start with 'B', which somehow makes sense, we guess!) If you are ever dern fool enough to go running off half cocked and inadvertently give two sisters the same title, well, it is safe to assume that you are more than likely hours or even minutes away from a hair pulling, no-holds-barred chick fight - so it is just generally prudent to provide at least a modicum of differentiation, however superficial or symbolic that distinction may in fact be. Thank you!)

No comments: