Sep 19, 2011

Lamont's Blue-chip Engineering Firm, Century West, Decides To Land On Moon ‘In their spare time’

In another testament to the outrageously deep talent pool that is sported by the premier engineering powerhouse in the Pacific Northwest, those go-getters at Century West Engineering just decided to take a little road trip given that things were slightly slower than usual in the normally bustling office due to the unfortunate reality of one of those annoying and all-too-frequent holiday weekends. This firm of engineering professionals, who have nothing to prove to the world, EVER!!, given that they successfully installed a new water system, built new roads and managed a library construction project in Lamont, Washington, (As if any sane person can believe they were actually able to accomplish all those amazing things in Lamont of all places!!!) – anyway, these engineering types just decided to not let a few minutes slip by unharnessed so, while multi-tasking, they basically re-engineered the entire Apollo program from scratch one afternoon in the coffee break room – but they, of course, had the good sense to skip that whole ‘Apollo 13’ thing and all of that unnecessary drama that it brought to the beleaguered nation’s doorstep, thank goodness. (Like we didn't have enough to worry about back then with all of those brightly colored yet malodorous hippies marching everywhere, that soul-crushing Sonny and Cher Show with all that mesmerizing glitter, and that annoying 'Soviet menace/Commie hoard' thing!)

“Well, at this point, nothing that company does that pushes the envelope of human understanding and endurance could surprise me, no sir!!” said a former mayor from the 700 block of Spokane Street who asked not to be identified. “I mean, a moon landing is awesome and all, but is that really that big of a deal given that they had to put up with our citizenry during three major projects, not including the best small town flagpole anywhere! Use your head! Sure, the moon with its 1/7th Earth’s gravity, huge temperature swings and complete lack of atmosphere can seem pretty inhospitable and daunting, but during our road project we had any number of local females marching up and down the streets in short-shorts and bippy tops, shouting 'hey ya'll' and trying to sell the construction workers soft drinks for $2.50! Oh, it was horrid! (The Lamont Blog hasn't consumed a soda since!) And then, when they added the new water system, people would flock out into the streets in fuzzy slippers and tattered bathrobes in -10 F weather, making suggestions on how to dig a hole. Oh, and that poor engineer and the library project! I cannot even imagine what a 'living hell' that poor soul went thru, given that he had to manage the volunteer effort to erect the thing! So yeah, travelling to the Earth’s major celestial satellite that controls our tides and makes people go crazy (I won’t even mention that whole werewolf thing! Yikes!!) is pretty impressive, but their real achievements took place right here on ‘terra firma’, if you ask me!” he said resolutely. (Editorial Note: Hey, who is asking you? You ain’t mayor no more! That Ruth Simpson is running the place, and thank goodness she is! Look at what a ‘pig’s breakfast’ you made of the job! But we have to agree with you on one thing and one thing only. Working in Lamont is a magnitude of difficulty greater than landing on the measly moon. Thank you!)

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