Sep 16, 2011

Town Contemplates Seceding 'To' Denmark After Former Viking Stronghold Elects Total Babe As Prime Minister

The Town of Lamont, a perplexing yet humble hamlet with a heart of gold (and a weird, deep-seated set of sympathies for the Vikings with all that pillaging and rapine! Whoa!), is contemplating finally leaving the USA in favor of throwing their quite questionable prestige behind some small European country most famous for that Hamlet guy who got chased around by ghosts or something and where everyone speaks that fancy kind of English – or at least it seemed that way in some black and white movie we saw once. Lamont, whose loyalties to the USA have been in some dispute for around 40 years given its pro-lawlessness, anti-education, and decidedly anarchy-friendly world view, seems to think that attaching themselves to some country that was founded by the Vikings with all of those raiding parties, burning stuff down and taking things that don’t belong to them might, in fact, be a better fit for the town than the USA with all those laws, expectations to perform and other rules that just seem to put a damper on their natural urges to drink mead all day long, live communally with women in long, wooden houses, smash up stuff they don’t like and never bathe, insiders report.

“Whoa! I always felt part Viking in my heart, but after I somehow caught a glimpse of that Helle Thorning-Schmidt person, I realized I was born in the wrong doggone country!” said Goober Bodine, 56, an area farmer/rancher and school board member. “Dang, in this country we get Hillary as some sort of so-called leader – but those doggone Danes obviously have their heads screwed on straight, unlike those stupid Americans. (Those? Ain’t you a dadburn American no more?) “Who cares if she is from some Center-Left coalition – heck, she could be a dadburn commie for all I care, but if she put her hair up in braids and donned some of that Viking body armor I would follow her anywhere – even to do battle with her ancient enemy Schleswig-Holstein!” he stammered pathetically with some sick, puppy-love look in his beady little eyes. (Editorial Note: The Lamont Blog does not endorse this sickening devotion to outward appearance and feels certain that Ms. Thorning-Schmidt is more than worthy for this challenging position based on her political savvy and above average intelligence. Just because she fits everyone’s conception of the ultimate Viking warrior goddess of old, like some attractive blending of ‘Heidi’ and ‘Joan of Arc’, should in no way hamper her very real contributions as a democratic leader of one of Europe’s most stable nations! This is the year 2011, for Pete’s sake! Things like outrageous, unbelievable, almost supernatural beauty should not matter now! Thank you!)

“Well, living in the town just down the road from Lamont, I ain't so sure them moving over there to one of them European countries would be such a bad thing for them, if you ask me!” said a civic leader from a neighboring town. “Well, most of Lamont is somewhat normal and law abiding, (What???) but there are a few ruffians who don’t have an education and spend all of their lives stealing gas, racing around in loud cars of uncertain ownership and causing trouble, so if you get rid of Lamont, you get rid of the reprobates, too! I just wonder if there ain’t some way we could somehow help move this thing along, you know, as some kind of community service event or something” he concluded hopefully.

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