Apr 2, 2009

Local Rancher Recovering After Tragic Electrolysis "Treatment" Goes Terribly, Terribly Wrong

A local rancher, Jed Jarmish, now completely hairless from the neck up, is resting quietly at home after experiencing what was, by all accounts, a hair-raising brush with disaster, late Monday. Although reports are still sketchy, early indications seem to point to an overly eager and obviously zealous 'hair removal' technician who, at some point in her formative years and/or troubled childhood, had some disturbing 'life trauma' that somehow had to do with excessive facial hair, the lingering odor of cow manure and/or a slightly pronounced "Neanderthal-like" eyebrow ridge structure - also known as the 'mono-brow'", said an unnamed official. "Something sure triggered that poor girl into action, but on some level we will never know why she responded like she did - and with such obvious gusto! Its all so inexplicable! This might just be a case of youthful exuberance, but even that seems a little understated given the end result of her work here!", he said.

"Well, the wife has been nagging me about the one trait that all of the Jarmish clan so proudly display - (sadly, this recessive gene seems to be doubly pronounced in the family women) - the unique and largely unsettling "mono-brow" that, according to her, should have gone out of fashion right after the last ice age" said rancher Jarmish. "So, I drove all the way to Spokane , checked in at my favorite "Hair-Be-Gone" Salon since they have that weekly special "Missing Link Mondays" - like a 'Happy Hour' for the fantastically (some would say tragically) hairy, and quietly waited for my turn. I must have gotten sleepy, because I dozed off the minute my treatment began - and when I woke up several hours later (feeling an unnatural breeze in unfamiliar places) and made my way out to the truck, I could not help but notice how the crowds of shrieking onlookers parted for me like the Red Sea - but I really had no idea what all the fuss was about - at least not then!" said the aerodynamic yet oddly fashionable rancher.

"In many ways I like this better - especially after I figured out that I could rub charcoal where my eyebrows used to be and I almost look normal. I kind of miss my real eyebrows and eyelashes, though - and now that my once proud 'mono-brow' is gone the rain tends to slide right off of my sloped forehead and into my eyes, but it will really save money on shampoo, I guess" said the unbelievable cheapskate. "The only real downside is the fact that those doggone chickens keep swooping down on me wanting to roost on my head like it is some sacred, mythical egg from some poultry version of the Holy Grail or whatever, and my doggone dogs keep attacking me like I am some kind of bill collector or something. Oh, at least the cows still recognize me", said Jarmish. "Hey, I wonder if you can still get dandruff if you don't have any hair?" he pondered philosophically while dusting off his shoulders out of force of habit, like a smoker bringing his fingers to his lips after years of not lighting up.

1 comment:

Be Hairful said...

Maybe no one else will want to be around him, but at least he'll have Flem Snopes and Uncle Festus to keep him company on card night.