Apr 11, 2009

New 'Cowpoke' Corralled, Dipped, Tagged And Trucked To Meat Packing Plant In Zany, Side-Splitting Herd Initiation Ritual

Dateline: Lamont - In a ritual that stretches back to when the Palouse was first settled by Jebediah Lamontowitz and his herd of free-spirited, 'devil-may-care' cows 150 years ago, the newest ranch hand at the Bodine Ranch was subjected to the time tested and historically significant bonding (some would say hazing) ritual that has served as the glue that holds the local rancher community together during times of thick and thin. The new cow hand, Wilber "Stinky" Snopes, a recent graduate of the local high school (at the age of 20), was lured, as tradition dictates, into a false sense of security before undergoing the exact treatment he will inflict on 1000's of cows in his long and illustrious career as a vanguard of the beef industry in Lamont.

"Whoa! That was NOT funny at all! That was just wrong on almost every conceivable level, for Pete's sake!" said 'Stinky' Snopes. "The last thing I remember was a bunch of the guys milling around, saying something about there being a birthday cake out by the cattle shoot, so having a hankering for something sweet, I made my way out there by the most direct route possible. Then, the next thing I know I was wrestled to the ground, hog-tied like some common beast of burden, I felt a sharp pain in my ear, and a sack was thrown over my head before I was unceremoniously dipped into a vat of stinking liquid and then was heaved into a cattle truck that almost immediately began the long trip to Oregon" said 'Stinky' breathlessly with a slight facial tick. "Somehow during this unfortunate altercation, right after I got that bright yellow ear tag, I think, the bag got pulled up a little so I could see that they were dragging me towards the corral where all the young bulls cease to be bulls, but I made such a fuss and blubbered like a school girl to such an extent I think they took pity on me and just threw me in the truck so I would shut up!' he said (in fact, 'Stinky' continued to make high pitched whining noises and muffled sobs until well past the Oregon border!)

"Well, that was just about the best dadburn initiation we have had in years. All of us cow pokes were a little hesitant about working with the new kid, given his well deserved nickname and all, so we were all excited about making sure this thing went off without a hitch" said Clem Parker, 26, a fellow ranch hand. "I remember when they done that to me right after I got kicked out of the 8th grade and Pa had me go to work for the first time. Sure, I was a little scared, but at least I didn't squeal like a 'nancy-boy' and make a fuss that they could hear all the way down in Colfax" he said proudly. "The best way to have empathy for the cows is to go thru the process yourself, that is what leadership is all about - leading by example - plus, the cows seem to get a kick out of seeing one of us go thru the wringer. That ritual does a whole lot of good for the herd at large, and is not just an antiquated way to put the young whippersnappers in their place" he said sagely.


Phlegm Flan said...

These rituals serve a special purpose, especially for a guy like Stinky. He has to be put in his place, because when Stinky puts on airs, hold your nose!

Anonymous said...

doesn't Stinky have a cousin in Idaho names Tim?