Apr 30, 2009

Lamont Wins First Place In Something - Finally!

The Town of Lamont, usually at the tail end of every conceivable pack and list and competition that anyone can possibly imagine, stunned the Palouse with a shocking 'first place' finish in at least one thing, insiders report. "Well, needless to say we are pleased at our first place finish in something" said the jubilant Mayor. "I am not sure who keeps track of these sort of statistics or what exactly we won, but I am not about to look a 'gift horse in the mouth', as they say. We'll take it, whatever it is!!!" he said proudly. "They said something about average annual blood loss due to mosquito bites and the decreased likelihood of being feasted upon by the blood sucking undead or whatever - but as long as we are first that is all that matters! Ahhhh!!! Victory is sweet! Sweet indeed!!! In your face, Sprague!!!" he said ungraciously while unfortunately attempting the popular dance move "The Rump Shaker".

"Well, after surveying the whole state, it was determined that there was an inverse relationship between the indigenous mosquito populations in various towns and the nocturnal feasting patterns of the walking undead - and in no place was this more pronounced than in Lamont" said Martin Finklestein, an area paranormal researcher. "Given my line of research into the bizarre and unexplainable, we have had our eye on Lamont for many years, so when these numbers came back and the obvious pattern became apparent, we had to investigate further. At first we thought the blood sucking fiends might be hesitant to attack people in Lamont because of a preponderance of crucifixes or bottles of holy water carried as lucky charms or something, but given that a vast majority of the citizenry has not seen the inside of a church since they tried to stop their favorite cousin from marrying that guy from Idaho, that was easily ruled out. And although there is an almost unbelievable amount of bad breath that hangs over the town like a funeral shroud, very little of it comes from the consumption of garlic - since that falls into what might be considered the "vegetable category' so it is religiously avoided by the average citizen. Finally, after taking numerous samples, we determined that the incredibly low red blood cell counts that the average citizen has - due to the yearly mosquito infestation - has caused the vampires and blood sucking ghouls to just not deem it worthy to feed there - kind of like an oil company not wanting to put down a new well into an already tapped out field. It all comes back to some sort of disgusting, evil "return on investment' calculation, it would seem" said Finklestein. "There is just not enough blood left in the Town after the mosquitoes get done to make it worth their while, I guess" he said.

"We're #1.... We're #1. Whooo hooo. We WON!!! We actually WON something!!! If we keep this up we can be as cool and well managed as Tekoa!!! " beamed the ecstatic Mayor before collapsing exhaustedly onto the park bench due to poorly oxygenated blood after wearing short pants outside for just 15 minutes twice this week. (Note: The fine folks at Tekoa just started helping Lamont solve a real and very serious mosquito problem - so when you see Kynda Browning or Mayor Jaeger or any of that well-oiled, efficient, professional team, give them a hug! May God bless Tekoa, WA - and may all mosquitoes die!!!!!)


Tim from Idaho said...

No self respecting vampire worth his salt would want to suck blood in Lamont in the first place, mosquitoes or no mosquitoes. I am sure it is so thin and watered down - not to mention ice cold from being afraid of everything, like bathing and technology (trucks) and reading and brushing your teeth and such. Why would they bother? In fact, I feel bad for the mosquitoes. I bet you could count the ribs on those poor things. In Idaho we have real, thick, manly blood... Not like that sissy Washington stuff. Idaho rules!!!

Jenni from Spokane said...

Ouch Tim from Idaho! That wasn't nice. I happen to know that the Mighty Mayor is no sissy!

FBI Special Agent Fox Mulder said...

I'm not asking the Director to reopen the X-Files for this.

Anonymous said...

and I just wanted to see the 'rump shaker!' we don't have classy dance moves like that in Arizona.