Apr 20, 2009

Two-Thirds Of Town Temporarily Blinded As Mayor Wears Short Pants To Park For First Time This Year

In a tragic move that has left a vast majority of the town momentarily sightless and fumbling for the basic necessities of life, a local Mayor selfishly (although innocently) sauntered over to the park to enjoy the warmth of Spring, late Sunday. "Well, I was taking out the trash to get the wife off my back when I casually glanced towards our beautiful park (with over 15 new trees!!!) and it was like the burning flash of 1000 suns reached out to destroy me and rendered my eyes completely useless, for Pete's sake!. My optic nerve was completely overwhelmed as a functioning sensory unit by the outrageous "whiteness" of it all! Oh, it was horrid! Snow blindness in a frozen arctic hell is like a walk in the park compared to this example of man's inhumanity to his fellow man!! If we would have just had those legs at Gitmo we would have flushed out Osama Bin Laden years ago!!! Heck, I felt like confessing and I am not even a terrorist!" said the local citizen who only takes out the trash after excessive amounts of nagging. "At first I thought those darn 'Ruskies" dropped the 'big one' on us, but when I did not feel a massive shock wave and my hair did not begin to fall out (Legal Note: although tragically suffering from extensive pattern baldness that borders on the need for a 'comb-over', his condition cannot be directly attributed to the unfortunate incident in the park so thus the Town is not liable for any damages - although psychological suffering is certainly warrented) , I knew the answer had to be more basic, regardless of its sinister nature" he said.

"Well, let me tell you. I was taking my wiener dog for a walk and just happened to turn the corner at the exact moment that the Mayor passed the swing set as he made his way to the picnic tables" said a now sightless housewife/busybody/town snoop. "Luckily, I was staring at the ground, mumbling about my no-good neighbors so I did not get the full blast of that 'other worldly' glow. The first sign of trouble I had was when my dog 'Princess' began to whimper and tug at the leash. Of course I just figured she wanted to chase a bird or something, but when I looked down she was laying on her belly, paws over her eyes, making the most horrible racket you ever heard!" she said. "That is when I glanced up and received the full effect of those unbelievably white legs and my knees buckled as my eyes just ceased to function. The bad part is, the last image I saw is still burned into my mind, so I am forced to replay that horrible moment over and over - at least until my sight returns after its more-than-understandable little rebellion" she said.


Anonymous said...

OMGSH. I'm blind.

Lamont Wiener Dog Society said...

The answer, of course, is we need more wiener dogs.

Wiener dogs are natures' baffles against premature blindness from looking at white-on-white-in-white, as the Cadillac people used to say.

Just like foam wedges protect against unwanted sound wave propagation in recording studios, wiener dogs absorb the excess light reflecting from winter skin.

This one poor dog was not enough. Fill the park with wiener dogs and "vive la difference" as our French neighbors in La Crosse would say.

Those French know how to live! In January, the local gun club sponsors a "bacon and crab shooting" event, which gets them out into the wintry sunshine, so that they don't have to rely on wiener dogs come spring to prevent blindness like in Lamont. Wiener dogs like to work, but this is one task that is really unnecessary, but it would be against our society's mission statement to argue against more wiener dogs.

To paraphrase an old Christopher Walken skit from SNL, "Guess what!? I got a fever, and the only prescription...is more wiener dogs!"

Meanwhile, join with us in promoting Lamont's new slogan: "Think Wiener". And buy a wiener dog, for Pete's sake! Pete, are you listening to this?

Anonymous said...

GOODNESS GRACIOUS MAN. The answer is NOT more winner dogs. Filling the park with winner dogs is not a good idea.

Next thing you know you'll all go Greenpeace on us and wan't to round up those wild winner dogs during there migration time, and bring them into Lamont.

Don't you even remember how those cracy little dogs attacted that council member, and the neighboor looked on, even calling her kids to come watch, WITH POPCORN. His dog toke forever to get over the embarassment of that.

Like that poor family had anough to worry about with his instantanious spurts of hoot in nannies accross the Polouse. And him walking around for awhile there with a patch on his eye, a stuffed bird on his sholder, yelling ARR at everyone.

They even called in that fancy head srinker, who just ended up putting him in a box, and God only knows what tramma that put him thru. We still have to worry about the reprocusions of that one.

More winner dogs sounds like a good idea to me. But one or two. A whole park full would put the council member over the edge.


Only problem there would be seeing the locals in there true form while waring those sunglasses. It'll be like the movie THEM.....

I say sunglasses, who knows it may be a reversal and they'll all look pleasent...

Anonymous said...

where can I buy a pair of those glasses? I would love to see more pleasent people in our weiner town. Maybe then, my mother would also retire her mule. D.H.

Jen from Spokane said...

Yikes! You do need some sun on those legs...Wow! Haven't seen anything like that in a while and what's with the no socks thing? Don't you know you are in Lamont now? You are supposed to wear your shorts with tube socks and work boots! Hello???

Lamont Wiener Dog Society said...

Oh sure, sunglasses. Yeah, right. Half the town already thinks they're extras in a remake of "Easy Rider". Phil Spector was in that movie, and we all know how he turned out. I rest my case.

Hot stock tip: "Invest in wiener dogs!"