As if the 2nd smallest town in the State didn’t have enough to worry about with its citizenry’s general disregard for the benefits of fire hydrants, a truly shocking level of tooth loss and the sad fact that it does not even have a single dadburn store, security insiders who keep track of those sort of things raised the alarm after clandestine intelligence sources embedded in the fundamentalist herds confirmed a dramatic rise in “chatter” amongst bovine organizations long known to be committed to the violent overthrow of “The Great Satan” himself – the ranchers who have long exploited their very lives for some tawdry and seemingly unfair personal gain or whatever. “Well, we ain’t exactly sure what all them alert colors are supposed to be or nothing, but we feel that we got us a real tiger by the tail here, so what the heck – let’s just pick one – I always did like red – it reminds me of my brothers behind after my pappy got done with him when we was kids” chuckled Scooter 'Skid-King' Festoon, an area rancher and Director of the somewhat overrated Lamont FBI – the Farmer Bureau of Investigation. “Heck, cows may look dumb and all, but they are as crafty and conniving as all get out! And you go getting some outside cow raised in one of them countries over yonder that don't even speak no English and use all them curlicue letters or whatever, and the next thing you know the whole dern herd has got their tails all in a snit and they start demanding the abolition of fences, access to green pastures 5 times a day, where their heifers are denied the salt-lick and where they all clamor to be governed by something called “Bovine Law”! It’s just plain craziness, I tell you! And we ain’t two doggone shakes of a lambs tail away from the ultimate cow jihad tactic of them all, a full-fledged, earth-pounding, hoof-churning stampede, for Pete’s sake!” he sniveled annoyingly while dragging 8-10 cases of cheap beer into the storm cellar for his family to subsist off of should things go south in a hurry or whatever! “Heck, all we need now is some crazy preacher someplace burning their holy book or what not – the “Cow-ran” – oh, that is all we need right now!!! We’d have the mother of all stampedes and their ain’t no telling where the whole dern mess would end up at” he whined pathetically – wondering why he never decided to raise sheep like his really smart brother did. (Editorial Note: Oh, please tell us he DID NOT just say that about the 'Cow-ran'!!! He DID NOT just go there, did he? (BTW, he lives on Elvis Presley Road outside of town - not within the Lamont limits itself! So go trample or head-butt or cow-patty something out there - not in Lamont proper. Thank you!) We at the Lamont Blog respect all belief systems, so as long as you taste darn good coming off the grill, we don’t care what your various little 4-legged beliefs are! It is shockingly backward-looking views like those put forth here by the Lamont FBI (just look at that hairdo! Whoa!!) that got this whole doggone world into the stinking mess it is now in! Come on, people! Can’t we all just get along? And please quit hogging the A-1 sauce down there, for Pete's sake!! Thank you!)
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