Apr 24, 2011

Town of Lamont On “Short List” For 2012 Nobel Peace Prize, Insiders Report

The Town of Lamont, a humble berg with fewer than 100 souls nestled tightly against the icy bosom of the Scablands in the eastern portion of the Great State of Washington, once again is drawing international attention after their new, highly capable mayor (and who says that actually doing something cannot ever be an asset, even in this part of the Wheat Belt!) and a largely reshaped Town Council finally managed to get a binding agreement ensuring fire hydrant usage in the town, thus ending the so-called 'Hydrant Wars", in spite of the fact that many local citizens and a sizable portion of the area farmers/ranchers (many of them fire fighters or having fire fighters in their families!) were dead set against using the doggone things in case of a fire emergency because that would be 'doing something new', for crying out loud! (This is Lamont, after all! It took the town 98 years to buy their first vehicle!) This ‘rapprochement’, if one may be so bold as to use a foreign word that means ‘coming together’ or something like that, has drawn the admiration and appreciation of peace advocates as diverse as Jimmy Carter, Bill Richardson and, of course, Santa Claus himself. (I mean, how many years can the whole darn Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) be on the ‘Naughty List’ because a few lazy, backward-looking people don’t want to use a fire fighting device that has been in common usage across the globe for well over 100 years, for Pete’s sake?)

“Well, given the decidedly irrational and quite stunning opposition to and hatred for an inanimate object (the lowly fire hydrant!), and the very fact that a vast majority of the area laggards now agree that using the darn things in case of an emergency is suddenly a good idea, especially since the tax payers forked over more than $1,000,000 for the things a few short years ago, well, this is surely one of the biggest peace break-thrus we have seen since the end of WWII or whatever!!” said Sven Norseberg, a rosy-cheeked Nobel prize spokesperson from one of those crazy Scandinavian countries that now give away fancy prizes instead of what they have historically unleashed on the civilized world - sending a bunch of big, hairy, smelly, somewhat cranky Vikings to hack things up with battle axes while in search of plunder or whatever! “And Mr. Nobel, who, as we all know, invented dynamite that has sent millions of people to the great beyond thru war and botched train robberies (Editorial Note: Hey, don’t forget about how easy it is now to get rid of a stubborn tree stump! Way to go, Nobel dude! And what is more fun than blowing stuff up?) – anyway, Mr. Nobel is smiling in his grave right now over the new peace that has descended between the Town of Lamont’s fire hydrants on the one hand and a bunch of angry people who don’t see anything wrong with filling up a truck with water, even in winter, and carting it to a blazing inferno even though there is a fire hydrant right next to the blaze! Now, if the Arabs and Israelis would just follow Lamont’s example here, maybe we could spend less time down there in the doggone Middle Eastern desert where it gets to like 200 degrees or whatever and the only meat comes from a smelly goat! Oh yeah, and you know how we Scandinavians get sunburned really easily. Heck, five minutes in the sun and the wife calls me her precious ‘little lobster’ while pinching my scarlet cheeks or giving me a good thunk on the back with her quite sizable open hand!! I just hate that! It is all very undignified and quite unnecessary!! I don't see that blasted woman getting any "Peace Prize" anytime soon, at least not if I have any say in the matter! No sir! Not with that attitude and careless disregard for the pain and suffering of others!!” he fumed indignantly, thankfully not working himself up into one of those Viking ‘berserker’ rages or whatever those Vikings worked themselves up into when they terrorized the whole darn known world! (Well, if they gave the Nobel Peace Prize to Obama for no obvious, easily discernible reason, they are obviously just passing the dern things out over there like candy or whatever! So what is wrong with giving one to that Viking dude's wife with the huge hands? Heck, why not? That just seems unfair somehow!)

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