Apr 27, 2011

Escaped Boxing Kangaroo Runs Amok, Somehow ‘KO’s” Whole Dern Town!!

In yet another crushing blow to small town America in general and Eastern Washington in particular, the entire town of Lamont was rendered senseless in a matter of minutes after a cute, sweet, lovable kangaroo just passing thru with a travelling circus got loose and proceeded to ‘open up a couple of cans of whoop tush’ for no doggone reason, late Tuesday. The circus, one of those small outfits that travel from town to town bringing joy and happiness to millions of children, somehow got lost and ended up on that fateful Highway 23 that runs right past Lamont, a town that has enough problems without some doggone animal that ain’t even from America pummeling the entire citizenry into unconsciousness in less time than it takes to throw a couple of shrimp on the ‘barbie’ or whatever, for Pete’s sake.

“Well, I am not sure what triggered him! We’ve never seen him just go nuts like that before!” said Martin Weaver, the stunned circus owner. “We noticed him getting a little antsy in has cage the closer we got to Lamont, but as soon as we passed Lamont Road, he just picked the lock, hopped down the road towards the town and the next thing we knew there were bodies laying everywhere. Oh, it was horrid. It was like he just sensed that something was just not right there and in some sort of heroic animal sort of way, I think he was trying to protect humanity from whatever it is about Lamont that makes it – well – Lamont” he said with a mixture of pride, admiration and some residual fear. “Kangaroos are peace loving animals. We just can’t understand what set him off!” he concluded.

'So, I heard a knock on the door and I just assumed it was one of those boys who drive all over town day or night trying to borrow money that they will never pay back - when the next thing I knew this tall, lanky brown blur gave me a couple of jabs to the bread basket then an uppercut that sent me to the tattered carpet I have been meaning to replace in my living-room" said Melba Festoon, 82, an area farm/ranch matriarch and general busybody/nose bag. "And the next thing I knew I heard this hopping sound going down my sidewalk and there was a similar knock on Old Lady Bodine's door next-door. I hope that dern kangaroo really let her have it for stealing my peanut butter battered rocky mountain oyster recipe and giving it to all her friends! I'll never forgive that woman over that one!" she fumed, holding a piece of liver to her now blackening eye!

“Oh, nice! That is all we need right now!” said a former mayor who asked not to be identified with the town. “Sure, when I was the mayor, we had issues like firefighters not wanting to use a million dollar fire hydrant system – and then everyone got mad when we painted the fire station after 60 years of decay, and there was a minor rancher revolt when we bought the first town vehicle after 98 years of being a town, and there was that little insane event related to people protesting getting a new library and folks wanting to park fire trucks in the darn thing right next to the encyclopedias! Yeah, those were bad enough – humiliating to all Americans, in fact, but at least on my watch the entire citizenry didn't get their butts kicked by some travelling marsupial with an attitude problem and a sense of social justice! Oh, thank goodness that didn't happen on my watch! Oh, every cloud does indeed have a silver lining!” he sighed thankfully.

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