Oct 28, 2008

Flashback: Lamont Leaders Plead For Calm As Unprecedented Hootenanny Spree Paralyzes Town

Council member and reputed banjo player Dave "Smokey Joe" (last name deleted to avoid litigation) was named a definate “person of interest" by the Lamont Mayor in the investigation of a series of apparently random and utterly irresistable hootenannies that nearly brought the entire town of Lamont to a virtual standstill over the last several weeks.

“I was on Highway 23 on my way to Kathy’s Grocery when I heard a high, woeful voice bellow 'Yeee Haaa!!!!'" said Martin Grassman, 57, a Whitman County rancher, who has lost numerous man-hours to Dave’s random acts of good-time finger pickin'. "When he started that old banjo to singing, my feet just started tapping. As I felt a yodel rise in my throat, all I could think was, not again, I have cows to feed." said Grassman. “Oh please, not again. I ain’t been home in a week.”

"These confounded hootenannies must stop," said the Mayor. "They're fine every once in a blue moon, like when the town gets a new road grant or that darn Council finally gives me a raise. But these washboard-totin’, straw-hat-wearin’ mobs causing a ruckus in the middle of the week is unbecomin' of Lamont and we won't stand for those darn fool shenanigans. More than half of ‘em ain’t even from Lamont!!! Doctors, lawyers, engineers, you name it. They just seem to materialize from every direction. It’s just plain creepy, if you ask me.”

"We think Dave fits the classic profile of a hootenanny mastermind and has the skills to pull off something even more outrageous," said the red-faced Mayor. "Shindigs, wingdings, hoedowns - we're sure he's capable of those outrages, too.” Dave, 49, is known across the Palouse for his pleasant personality, his down-home, rip-saw banjo style and his unbelievably slow driving - and he matches a description given by hundreds of straw-chewin’ eyewitnesses who were mesmerized by the twangy sound of banjo solos, washboard scrapings and the woeful whistles of discarded jugs of home-made corn whiskey. The Council is encouraging citizens to call the emergency “Hootenanny Hotline” before trouble begins anew. “We need to nip this in the bud before it turns into a full blown “pig-poke”, said the embattled Mayor. “Hootenannies are like wolves, once you grab them by the ears, you don’t dare let them go.”, he said. “That dad-burn Dave. Where did he go wrong? Ohhhh, where did he go wrong?”, muttered the Mayor.

1 comment:

Dat Ol said...

Well gol' dang it all, dat varmint don't give a hoot about hootenannyin' it up on Garfield, and jes' cuz we got a wiener dog down the corner. I know, I know, it prevents travel in the westerly direction. But manfolk's got needs, and we believe that done include a high-steppin'-an'-knee-slappin', show-off-my-front-toof kinda git-down-wit-der-banjo and probably some other germanisms I cain't think of rightly.