Dec 25, 2008

Councilwoman’s Cat Now Down To Just Two Lives

A local councilwoman, long known as a champion of animal rights and a citizen of some renown for her work in rescuing neglected, abused and mistreated animals in the Tri-County area, was faced with an incident much closer to home that is sure to make cat lovers the world over pale with sympathetic horror. “Well, the details are still fuzzy, but it would appear that the councilwoman (we shall refer to her as ‘Councilwoman X’ in order to maintain her anonymity – although her name is not Ruth or Betty) saw a large, menacing raccoon in her garage at approximately 5:10 AM on the way to her morning constitutional” said a local insider familiar with the case. “Acting with her usual decision and verve, Councilwoman X (who is not named Ruth or Betty) immediately slammed the door; thus trapping the dangerous beast inside until her husband could be notified and would arrange, in Mafia-like fashion, a trip for the raccoon to go ‘swim with the fishes’.

“Well, things became complicated soon after because, unbeknown to her, one of her cats was in the garage at the time of the door slamming and was forced to spend several nerve-wracking hours locked inside with a claustrophobic and angry (not to mention hungry) hunter/scavenger hell bent on getting even with his jailers” said the insider. “One shudders at the minute-by-minute feelings of horror and betrayal that this poor cat must have felt as it struggled for survival and fought against the natural feelings of disdain that all cats feel for other living things besides themselves.” he said. “So, when Councilwoman X’s husband rose for the day and was given the assignment to make the raccoon “disappear’, he, of course, had no idea that the much-loved house pet was locked in the garage with a dangerous wild animal.”

As the man (We shall refer to him as ‘Husband X’, although he is not married to Ruth or Betty) inched his way towards the garage door, snub-nose in hand (serial numbers had been removed, of course), one can only guess at his state of mind as he cracked the door open a few inches to gauge the situation and a boiling, furry, highly motivated blur came bolting out of the gap directly at his lower torso - achieving land speeds only previously attained by the cat’s distant cousin, the cheetah. (there is some lingering confusion as to whether fuzzy slippers or the more traditional, time-tested cowboy boots were in evidence at the time of the confrontation) “Well, it is a testament to his steely nerves and devotion to mission that he just did not begin blasting away wildly at this unexpected intrusion into his otherwise peaceful and relaxing morning” said the insider. (A lesser man would have screamed like a school girl and/or had to change his shorts after emptying the gun in blind terror) Although details of this story are still vague, no one has seen the raccoon again and the cat, although physically unharmed, has not come within 20 yards of the garage or ‘Husband X’ ever since (classic signs of ‘Post-Raccoon Stress Syndrome), although, in fact, that doggone wife of Husband X is the one who started this whole mess in the first place!!

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