Dec 2, 2008

Area Sunday School Teacher Hasn't Seen Bible In Almost A Week

In one of life's cruel and pointed ironies, a local Sunday School teacher and longtime church-goer has not been able to find the Good Book since, on a whim, he decided that the living room needed to be rearranged to take advantage of the reduced Winter sunlight. "Well, I was watching that TV show where people come over and fix up your house, and then I came to the realization that my chair was off in a gloomy corner that ran counter to my above average holiday spirit and Christmas cheer. But in order to move my chair I had to switch some other furniture around, and before I knew it my entire life was turned upside down, my Bible was gone and no one has seen the cat for almost a week!” said the unfortunate Bible browser. "In retrospect, I was obviously torn between two conflicting world views - the first being about idle hands and the devil's workshop - and the other having to do with letting sleeping dogs lay. Well, I guess we can say that that sleeping dog really took a bite out of the part of me that just wanted to sit in my favorite chair with a modest amount of sunlight, for Pete's sake!!!" said the babbler of bible verses.

Although originally pointing the finger of blame at Lucifer or one of his minions that, as everyone knows, are hell bent on casting all of mankind into the eternal lake of fire, the student of the scriptures could not in fact remember where he set the bible down or if, indeed, he even remembered to bring it home from the Sunday School room. "It is in trying times like this that I love nothing more than sitting in my favorite chair with the Good Book and recharging my spiritual batteries with a nice warm cat in my lap” said the now rudderless man. “Oh, what hellish manipulation of life's simple pleasures has been wrought upon me this day!" he bellowed to no one in particular. Although one of the less bright, dog-loving citizens of the Town is postulating that the cat, as an obvious historical cohort of the devil (and witches, too) is the one who ran off with the bible in order to sow discord and strife, the current body of evidence cannot lend credence to this well-worn and obviously technically impossible theory – although it is gathering adherents amongst certain dog-owning segments of the local community. When asked, a local cat spokesman called this assertion outrageous, scurrilous and bordering on blatant “felinism” and said that those hate-mongering dog-people should be ashamed of themselves. The dog spokesman had no comment, but just sat there at his master’s feet, contentedly thumping his tail into the carpet with barely restrained glee while looking up with those sad, seemingly innocent, yet undeniably guilty eyes.


Anonymous said...

Dollar to donuts, it was the cat--perhaps acting as a minion of Lucifer, but more likely operating independently.

Follow The Newly Paved Road! said...

Nya, ha ha ha! It is I, the wicked witch of the Wheat! My plan worked! Those wretches think their cute little kitties and doggies are loyal to them only, but NO! They are under my spell and doing my bidding! Nya, ha ha ha! And now I have the Mayor's precious Bible in my evil clutches! Now, watch as I rip the pages from it's leather binding and feed them to my evil fire. But wait, you vile little Wiener dog with your waggly tail! You've knocked over that bucket of water! Oh no, I'm melting!