May 5, 2009

Lamont Mayor Receives 200% Raise: "He's Worth Every Cent", Says Councilperson

In what is deemed by some an unnecessary extravagance and by others (a very few) a long overdue recompense for a job well done, the Town of Lamont increased the Mayor's salary by a significant percentage, late Monday. "Oh, I just don't know what to say" said the beaming yet contrite Mayor with outrageous levels of false modesty. "To be honored in such a dramatic fashion by a Council that I want to beat the 'living crap' out of half the time is enough to give me pause and remember that government service at the lowest level of our fledgling democracy is truly a noble, honorable and worthy endeavor - and that all that name calling, vicious slander and late night knocks at my door by people of questionable sobriety is indeed worth it, after all" he gushed. "I just hope I can serve the Town with the vim and vigor that is commensurate with this generous statement of trust and confidence that has been so graciously laid on my table" he droned on annoyingly with entirely too much arm/hand gesturing. (several in attendance assumed he was attempting to land a small plane or something and kept nervously glancing up at the sky in order to calculate which way to run)

"Well, we had to do something" said an unnamed Councilperson. "I am not sure I could sit thru one more meeting and listen to that seemingly endless stream of pathetic whining, self-serving breast-beating and the occasional emotional collapse into a fit of over-burdened self-pity. So we all agreed to give him a healthy percentage increase in the hopes that he would just shut the heck up already and do his job, for Pete's sake!!" he said pleadingly. "I mean, we are the second smallest town in the State, how hard can the Mayor job actually be? Sure, it was an empty, vacuous, totally symbolic gesture, given that he currently draws no salary at all - but by the time he actually figures that one out - with any luck - he will have moved on to something new to bellyache about and we can hopefully put this whole sorry episode behind us once and for all" he stammered hopefully. "I was actually for giving him a 300% raise, but the other Council Members are more frugal than myself and opted for a more reasonable increase. Who cares, as long as we no longer have to listen to that incessant whining? Oh, I am at the end of my tether with all that whining!" he said despairingly.

1 comment:

Someone Who Is Not An Accountant said...

I favored giving him a 40% raise this year, then 50% next year, 60% the year after that, and finally a 70% raise in the fourth year. But whatever; 200% of zero is still zero.