Jun 30, 2009

Local Man Suspected Of Weaving 'Latinisms' Into Casual Conversation - Suspicious Townsfolk Vow To 'Keep An Eye On Him'

Jeb Snopes, a local fixture in the long established yet only slightly tarnished Snopes ranching dynasty (some would say cabal or rabble) has been heard on several occasions weaving Latin expressions into his otherwise dull and lifeless conversational style - causing his listeners to suspect that some form of foreign influence is beginning to manifest itself into his otherwise muddled thinking and highly erratic (historically speaking) behavior. "Well, I was sitting back, griping about that dern coyote that has been vexing me for the last several years and voiced my frustrations and desire to end this unsatisfactory relationship (between the coyote and the man's calf population) in more or less salty terms when all of a sudden Jeb just piped up and said "we need to get an 'ad hoc' hunting party out there, I guess"" said the stunned Purvis Plum, 59, an area farmer/rancher, with hardly disguised mistrust and vexation. "Ad hoc? What in tarnation is that supposed to mean? Sounds like some sort of 'Commie" talk to me!" he stammered indignantly. "Then later on that day, as we were discussing the relative population density patterns of the highly industrious yet decidedly cantankerous badger population in north Whitman County, I am pretty sure he used the expression "ex post facto", although he could have been saying "I don't think so" - it was hard to tell because he had stuffed an enormous handful of my homemade 'deer jerky' into his mouth and it took him almost 5 minutes to swallow the mess, for Pete's sake. That boy eats like a dadburn badger, if you ask me! And that was my last bag of jerky from that deer I 'accidentally' hit with the truck last year on that lonely County road late at night when the game warden was tucked safely in bed!" said rancher Plum with a knowing wink. (coincidentally, his deer rifle was present in the gun rack at the time of the supposed altercation and the truck, thankfully, bore no lasting signs of the unfortunate collision - and either did the deer, come to think of it)

Although unconfirmed, rumors abound that Jeb, upon returning home after a day's work with the cows, frequently turns on PBS and watches those 'fancy educational shows" that so frequently pollute the local airwaves - as opposed to doing what any self-respecting rancher would do - leaf thru various gun magazines and whittle. (thankfully, rumor has it that he is particularly fond of those shows from England dealing with hotels and veterinarians or what not - so, at least he is not drawing his inspiration from one of those suspect countries like France or Belgium) "Well, he is getting those 'high fluting' ideas from someplace." said the aptly named Mabel Twitter, an area farm wife, the Town's premier gossip and renowned busy-body with regional aspirations. "It just ain't right to go weaving in some foreign language into normal American speech!! Not in the 'Good Old USA'!!! I wonder if we should call 'Homeland Security' or something? I know for a fact that all them terrorists on '911' spoke Latin or one of them unnatural languages with weird letters and punctuation and all of that! That whole dern mess over there is a bunch of Latin speakers, from what I heard!! And to think that PBS, paid for with our tax dollars, would be pumping that poison into our homes every night. Oh, mercy!!! What's next - the Cookie Monster trying to get us to buy foreign cars? Oh, this country is in a really bad way!!!" she bellowed while gazing at the Town's outrageously huge and impressive new flagpole recently erected in the park (along with a bunch of new trees!!) as if to draw strength from our cherished national symbol.

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