Jun 15, 2009

Local Mayor Gets All "Weak In The Knees" When Time Comes For Annual Inspection Of Top Of Water Tank

In what appears to be one sorry episode from start to finish, a local mayor made any number of excuses and prevarications when the time actually came to climb to the top of the 6-story high water tank on the highest hill in Lamont. Although these lame excuses ranged from "someone needs to make sure the ladder doesn't fall" to "hey, is that my phone ringing? (1/4 mile away!!)", insiders suspect that the aging mayor is developing a middle aged fear of heights and just can't come to grips with this natural (although unflattering) part of the aging process. "Well, we needed to go up to the top of the water tank to make sure the water access hatch was secure and that everything was in working order and 'ship-shape'" said an unnamed man who did not succumb to the panicky whims of fancy and bravely climbed the caged ladder to the top like some two-legged 'mountain goat' or something. "As we all got ready to climb up there, the mayor suddenly wandered off, mumbling something about some WSU weed control website and the need to check for noxious weeds growing up on the hill in order to protect the farmers from a devastating infestation or something" said the intrepid climber (actually a town councilman who likes to chip in) who, against all reason and the natural, innate desire for self-preservation at any cost, stayed up on top of the tower for over an hour taking publicity pictures after the work was done.

The water tank, planned and built by Century West Engineering (the Town's wonderful engineering firm) as part of the fantastic improvements they have made to the Town of Lamont, is a soaring structure of concrete and steel that looms above the town like some modern day "Tower of Babel" (or Dracula's Castle, depending on your point of view and comfort level with high, exposed places where any sudden gust of wind or slippery spot could theoretically send you plummeting to an inglorious, humiliating, arm-flapping demise!!) and provides breath-taking views of the beautiful countryside (to say nothing of the 82 psi of water pressure that the town enjoys - all courtesy of that mixed blessing - gravity) - although the mayor would not know this because his feet remained firmly planted on "terra firma" as he paced around the base of the giant structure, wringing his sweaty hands together and coming up with excuses for why he could not go up there under any circumstances - all for the greater good of the Town, of course.

"Stupid gravity! Why do things need to be so high for it to work?" moaned the Mayor. "Sure, we love our outrageous water pressure and we do have some of the purest drinking water in the State (it is worth a trip to Lamont just to see the beautiful, amazingly clever design of our new water system - all courtesy of Century West Engineering and the USDA, CDBG and other wonderful funding sources), but if those darn engineers at Century West were so smart, I just don't see why they could not have figured out a way to harness this wonderful power of nature in a less frightening, closer-to-the-ground sort of way! Sure, they are the best engineers anyone ever heard of, but the next time they do a project like this they should factor in a whole slew of intangible variables like human frailty, unnatural, unwarranted and often bizarre phobias and, of course, the preponderance of outrageously irrational human fear based on no actual, tangible threat at all into their otherwise excellent design plans" whined the Mayor.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

In this case I am totally in support of the mayor. I feel that an in-depth reviw of noxious weeds and answering a cell phone call (which may be from state departments or even the president!) definitely supercede the insipid act of climbing a water tower. Any hirsute nitwit can climb something--but it takes a person of extraordinary intelligence to whittle options down to the essentials, place them in order of urgency and then make the all-important decision of which one needs immediate attention. Go mayor!!!