Totally Awesome City Of Sprague Saves The Day On Lamont's New Library Septic System

The City of Sprague, a little gem of a city nestled right on Interstate 90 in the often under appreciated Lincoln County, WA - rose quite admirably to the occasion when Lamont, a mere town that can barely grab its own rear end with both hands, was faced with a vexing dilemma when applying for a septic system permit for their first ever public restroom. As luck would have it, the quite excellent Whitman County Health Department, just one of the many quite excellent Whitman County departments that Lamont gets to work with on a regular basis, required that Lamont provide a backhoe to dig the test holes for the new septic system for the new library that Lamont is attempting to build (Lamont is the only town in Whitman County without a real library - or so the scuttle-butt goes!). "Well, when I heard that we needed a piece of heavy machinery, of course, my blood turned to ice water!" said a so-called area mayor who tends to get all fidgety when faced with situations outside the routine. "Anyway, after my initial panic subsided and I was able to think clearly, well, clearly for me, anyway - I realized that we were either doomed or somehow we needed a miracle - and that miracle came on the wings of an angel called Sprague" he said dramatically while gazing thankfully at the Heavens!

"So, I called one of the top-notch Sprague employees who does some work for Lamont and he placed a call to Sprague's quite capable and obviously resourceful mayor - who, after researching the legal foundations of such a transaction (Mental note to self: Must remember to check out all that legal stuff in the future. Must attempt to be more like the Sprague mayor!) agreed to help out Lamont with the backhoe. Oh, I almost passed out with my relief! I mean, Sprague is over 5 times the size of Lamont and they even have stores! The fact that they would condescend to help the hapless Lamont just goes to show that there is still goodness in this cold, selfish world! In fact, this whole process is leading to a formal 'Mutual Assistance Pact' between the two incorporated entities (another great idea from that quite excellent Sprague mayor. Mental Note to self: Must have more good ideas like the Sprague mayor!) Oh, and to think that they are even in a different County! I'm sorry, I am just all choked up!!" he sniffled, wiping away a rare tear! (and not the crocodile variety, either!)

(Editorial Note: We at the Lamont Blog cannot help but notice the irony that an entirely different town, located 8-9 miles away, would play such a pivotal role in helping Lamont get their first public restroom in over 100 years! (Why couldn't Lamont be that motivated for Lamont's first public restroom? Inquiring minds want to know!) One cannot help but wonder if they were just embarrassed to be situated next-door to a town with such a well-trodden history of failure in the "public restroom department", who knows! Lamont, well known for outrageous levels of dysfunction and a decided lack of cohesion, is, if nothing else, a loyal, thankful town - and a gesture like this from Sprague will make us as loyal as a faithful (and house broken) Labrador Retriever (raised from a puppy!) or whatever. The whole town of Lamont extends their heart-felt thanks to the whole City of Sprague - and we would like to thank them for having a gas station and a quite excellent grocery store, too! And that mayor of theirs! Oh, how did they get so lucky while Lamont just seems to be so cursed? Inquiring minds want to know!)

Long Beach Threatens Some Hideous Pirate Invasion - Lamont Goes To Largely Ineffectual "War Footing"!

(Editorial Note: This article will make absolutely no sense unless you have followed recent past articles - and then it still might not make any sense. But, in order to capture the sheer inanity of the Lamont Blog, it is essential to read it regularly. Thank you!) As something that can only happen in the lowly and decidedly kooky Town of Lamont, the Lamont Blog, acting as an honest although clumsy communication agent, seems to have started some mini-civil war or something because of some dumb article, addressing the very real challenges of attracting tourists in these challenging financial times, somehow came up with a line of drivel that inadvertently included pirates, and that doggone Long Beach, as is often there nature, somehow became offended because they, of course, have a large percentage of their population who claim active pirate parentage (seriously, they have entire pirate organizations over there and all!), and thus, to save their municipal honor (something Lamont has never had to worry about!), threatened the cowardly and poltroon-like Town of Lamont with some pirate-like invasion or whatever.

"Well, given that we are the 2nd smallest town in the State and nothing of any note ever really happens here - we feel honor bound and tied to the wings of destiny to over-react to this largely humorous and decidedly playful threat with characteristic overkill and general municipal excess!" said an area Mayor who still, after several days or weeks of practice, sounds more like that Russian "Checkov" guy from Star Trek than he does a half way decent pirate worthy of the name or whatever! "Heck, Lamont has no choice but to go on a 'war footing' and we have already called up all of our reserves which, fortunately or unfortunately for us, consists largely of our 4-legged friends - those Bullyboys of the Bovine Brigade - yes, the area cattle herds themselves! (Well, when you have less than 100 people, no stores and cannot even manage the organizational baseline to put in a truly public bathroom in 100 years, a town must oftentimes resort to desperate measures! Plus, all that free milk on the front lines can only help improve the morale of our beleaguered and skittish troops!). "Anyway, our plan of defense consists of 3 basic tenants. 1) We will lay a quite extensive 'cow patty' minefield to the west of town, thus hampering an unfettered approach by the said pirates, who aren't used to operating on land and all. Thankfully for us, Lamont is now and always has been one big cow patty minefield, so that doesn't really require that much effort on our part. 2) We have any number of volunteers (all bovines, given the cowardly nature of our citizenry!) who will dress up as and thus infiltrate the pirate ranks, hopefully sowing discord and getting in a few head butts at some critical juncture in the battle. These, of course, will be led by that rebel leader of some renown, the quite capable and cleverly disguised "Moo-Beard' himself! And finally, 3) Of course we will surrender and beg for mercy! Being Lamont, we have long ago learned that showing complete submission to the outside world, with all the requisite groveling and sniveling, is one darn effective survival strategy! So, bring it on, yea nave-like pirate rabble! "We've a surprise or two tucked up our big, puffy sleeves - like some hidden pirate dagger or whatever!" he concluded embarrassingly, once again sounding more like some Russian peasant from "War and Peace" than the burly spawn of the scourge of the seas - descendants of the once proud Bluebeard himself!! (Editorial Note: For the record, we at the Lamont Blog stole the name "Moo-Beard' from the internet as a somewhat lackluster play off of 'Bluebeard', so all shame and ridicule belongs with the original author and not with us. Thank you!)

Recent Heavy Rains Finally Allow Lamont To Go 'Head to Head" With That Doggone Long Beach For Precious Tourist Dollars!!

In a long overdue reprieve sent by the very Heavens themselves, the lowly and shockingly delusional Town of Lamont, in a moment of deranged euphoria, launched an aggressive public relations campaign to bring those ever finicky tourists (whatever they are!!) to the 2nd smallest town in Washington (and smallest in Whitman County!!) - as opposed to having them drive all the way across the State to luxuriate in that highly overrated Pacific Ocean with all that stupid fresh seafood and where those sea breezes blow without even the slightest hint of cow manure whatsoever! "Well, as they say, every dog has its day - so in your face Long Beach!!" bellowed an area mayor from the main attraction in Lamont's new push for tourist dollars - the supposed 'beach' nestled right up against some sluggish stream in the recently dubbed (and highly dubious!) "Pacific Gulch". "Sure, Lamont has been basically obliterated over and over again by that stupid Long Beach because they have an actual beach and a real ocean and all - oh yeah, and they have really nice citizens and - of course, they have stores - oh, and they have high speed internet - but that shocking disparity is about to be a thing of the unfortunate to say nothing of quite embarrassing past! With the opening of 'Lamont Beach' nestled in the beautiful "Pacific Gulch", I just know that we will harvest our share of those folks who are not afraid of being contaminated by "outsiders with all them big city ways" (unlike the typical Lamont area citizen!) and who are looking for a relaxing place to visit as our world basically goes to hell in a hand-basket!" he stammered insanely, using sweeping hand gestures to draw attention to what amounts to some muddy bog slowly flowing thru a less than impressive portion of the forbidding and somewhat hellish wasteland known as the "Scablands"! (The nightmarish Scablands run right next to Lamont - the full length of town - in fact!! - oh yeah, life is fair!)

"Well, I am indeed more than a little embarrassed by my inherent gullibility, but I had to drive out to Lamont to see what all the fuss was about!" said Edgar Fullerton, 56, a Spokane resident. "I, for one, could not believe that any town, let alone one in the Continental USA, could possibly trumpet such an obviously pathetic display of human incompetence supposedly designed to foster actual although limited human enjoyment - but sadly my vain hopes for the better angels of our national nature were dashed to the ground and stomped flat by the outrageous Town of Lamont, who obviously has no compunction against shamelessly marketing a tattered sow's ear as a shiny silk purse. I just want to tell that mayor, whoever he is, and, believe me, I use the term 'mayor' loosely, 'Sir, I have been to Long Beach - and this pitiful excuse for some third rate tourist sideshow is not within a million miles of that relaxing vacation wonderland! (Ouch! That was a little harsh - however well-deserved and true!) As I said, I have been to Long Beach, and you, Lamont, are no Long Beach! And as if I needed any more proof, Lamont has obviously gone well over 100 years with no civic planning whatsoever, while Long Beach is one of the best planned small coastal cities on the entire Pacific seaboard! (Darn Gayle Borchard, the Long Beach City Planner, and her twinkling little eyes, too!!) Shame on you and your cruel ruse to fool the citizenry just looking for some small, relaxing reprieve from their daily grind of toil and woe, sir! Oh yeah, and when I needed to use the public facilities after drinking a double espresso I bought in Cheney, since I heard Lamont does not even have a store, I had to drive to Sprague - 9 miles away!!! What is with that?" he said cruelly, drawing attention to the fact that in 100 years Lamont and the surrounding area never managed the organizational fortitude to put in a public toilet! "Shame on you, Lamont...! May shame infest your municipal fibers like the fleas of 1000 camels! (Okay, some creepy Arabian curse is certainly uncalled for at this juncture!) I now need to take a vacation in Long Beach just to calm myself down and to get the smell of those unfortunate cow byproducts out of my nose and clothes and hair!" he concluded indignantly, as if beating that proverbial dead horse long after municipal rigor mortis had actually set in would do any good at this point!! Oh, when will the world learn that Lamont is Lamont, and they ain't changing for time, tide, and for no man, neither!

Lamont's Favorite Parrot Rescue Person Takes Parrot Rescue Craft To Whole New Level

In a bold move that leaves parrot owners the world over standing their slack jawed with awe and admiration, an area parrot rescue aficionado, a certain Erika of Century West Engineering fame, (AKA - The uber-goddess of efficiency!) has thrown aside convention and has committed herself to what can only be described (by laymen!) as "extreme parrot rescue', insiders report. This said Erika, never one to be shy in the face of almost insurmountable challenges and daunting impossibilities, is no longer satisfied with the more traditional yet decidedly honorable pursuits of rescuing parrots from households who either bit off more than they could chew when it came to acquiring one of the smartest animals in the Good Lord's menagerie and/or had changing life circumstances that no longer allowed for owning this type of magnificent pet - and now Erika desires to 'push the envelope' to the next level, whatever that means! Erika, who at one time had as many as 16 of the forlorn, feathered wonders under her care - saved from lives of misery and despair - (some were received in decidedly tragic states that required a level of love, understanding and compassion that we at the Lamont Blog can hardly fathom!), now wants to boldly go where no parrot rescue person has ever gone before - which, if you ask us, would have seemed to be having 16 parrots in various stages of mental and physical health, but what do we know?

"Well, first off, when I was talking to Erika the other day, she kind of outlined her tentative plans to me, and to be quite honest, the whole discussion left me filled with awe and trepidation" said an area man who once was given a mere parakeet as a kid, with less than flattering results - mainly for the parakeet, poor thing! "Anyway, as we all know, the beaks of the average parrot are in fact strong enough to break a finger with very little effort, should the feathered wonders ever take a mind to do such a thing. But Erika, who has risked various digits over the years, has decided to upgrade to the Hyacinth Macaw, a magnificent specimen with a beak crushing potential of 10,000 pounds of pressure per square inch - a bite similar in power to a hyena and capable of quite easily breaking a human forearm without breaking a sweat, assuming parrots even sweat or whatever! Whoa! What gumption! What spunk! What mastery in the face of almost certain dismemberment! Oh, just hearing her plans made me curl up in the fetal position and whimper like a dadburn school girl or whatever" said the outrageous sissy who is still recovering from that time a bat flew inside the collar of his shirt and it took six men and a mule to hold him down in order to get the poor thing out of there and released unharmed into the wild again!

"Oh yeah, and she was telling me about the time she was bonding with her rambunctious 9 month old baby African Grey (Luna) (African Grey parrots are reported to be as smart as human 5-year-olds) who was having a ball frolicking across her shoulders, down her arms, off the side of her head, where ever the darn aviary adventurer could get a good hold. Anyway, she was sitting there chatting away and the doggone bird charged into her face and stuffed her head into the stunned Erika's obviously occupied mouth... I'm talking Luna's WHOLE head went in there! No joke. Erika thought she just wanted a kiss or to play with her teeth (Editorial Note: Although shocking, it would appear that baby parrots have this huge fascination with teeth. Whoa! How totally unique is that!). So the baby birds head is in Erika's open mouth (talk about gob smacked!) and, well, she obviously couldn't close it... then the doggone thing starts mumbling something while briefly examining Erika's excellent dental work (given Century West's quite excellent employee benefits plan!) with a keen, practiced eye, then it pops its head out, looks at the open-mouthed and totally stunned assemblage with a look of mischievous delight and I'll be derned if the crazy bird didn't begin laughing uproariously! Talk about a loving and understanding person who understands man's role in protecting the animals! (and what a crazy, kooky bird!) Oh, but that whole unsettling story about things that fly all around the place was all a little too much for me, let me tell you" said the annoying whiner while glancing over his shoulder as if expecting another unprovoked and decidedly unwelcome bat attack at any moment! (Oh, be a man already!)

Area Mayor Resorts To 'Extra-Parliamentary' Measures To Ensure Passage Of Latest Largely Meaningless Town Business

(Caution: Reader discretion is advised. Those with sensitive natures or weak stomachs should think twice before reading this article. Thank you!) As many if not most of you know, The Great State of Washington, in their genuine wisdom and forethought, did not extend the right of mayoral veto to the incorporated entities known as 'towns', thus forcing town mayors to use various forms of persuasion and cajoling to push thru ordinances or motions or whatever else it is that towns are supposed to push thru or pass or whatever. Given that towns, by definition, are smaller and obviously not worthy of the much more exalted title of 'City' like that fancy-pants Long Beach or whatever - so to grant one person the power of the veto would devote too much legislative control to one individual, or so the prevailing wisdom goes. (And let's be honest, if you are the Mayor of a town that doesn't even have a store, the less power you have the better! I mean, come on!) Anyway, given this well-founded state of affairs, an area mayor, dusting off some obscure parliamentary maneuver hidden somewhere in the obnoxious Robert's Rules of Order, a book no sane person has ever read, unleashed this procedural 'slight of hand' to exert his will on the unfortunate and luckless Town Council, late Monday.

"Well, the mayor, as is his nature, came up with some hair-brained scheme or idiotic boondoggle or whatever, and I just didn't see the value of it!" said an unnamed Councilperson currently undergoing counseling at an area mental health facility. "So, when I just stood my ground and offered up a compromise measure that would largely gut the insane parts of his proposal while retaining the very small part that actually had limited merit, you know, in the spirit of compromise and all, the next thing I knew, the Mayor bolted up from his chair, cocked one hip, and basically threatened the Council with a full blown display of that abomination of human motion - yes, that God-cursed dance routine known too kindly as 'The Rump Shaker"! Oh, it was so horrid! Just the thought of that unnatural and decidedly un-American monstrosity was enough to make me cave in and capitulate. Anything to spare the Town that level of horror and misery! Oh, I cannot even talk about it. But his threat of unleashing 'The Rump Shaker' on us is 1000 times more devastating than any measly veto could ever be! As long as he holds that unholy whip in his hands, he basically holds the Council at bay and can pretty much push thru whatever the heck he wants to! I'll do anything to avoid exposing my person to that beastly display of human nightmarishness! Oh, anything but that, please! Oh, anything but that!" she sobbed insanely!

"Well, Lamont is a town that plays by the book, so if we get a Councilperson who wants to throw a stick in the spokes from time to time, I really do not feel any compunction against using the very foundations of the English Common Law tradition, as expressed by the that insufferably boring and mundane "Robert's Rules of Order' to bust thru those logjams! I believe it was Sir Walter Leadbottom, 3rd Duke of County Derry Aire in England or whatever who first used the threat of 'The Rump Shaker' to pass some land reform bill or whatever the heck they were doing back then - you know, back in the 1600's or whatever. And it was so wildly successful, that that most boring of chroniclers, that Roberts guy, put it in his obscenely tedious book - which means it is fair game for me! Ha! When you have the law and tradition on your side, the world is your oyster!" he crowed triumphantly!

(Editorial Note: This so called dance move - the appropriately named and decidedly sanity destroying "Rump Shaker" is too unnerving and unnatural to describe in great detail here, but rest assured that the avoidance of same can prove to be such a powerful human motivator that basic reason and civic responsibility are quite frequently sacrificed on the alter of self-preservation. This so called 'dance move' should not be attempted in your city/town - let alone practiced in the safe confines of your home - like our stupid mayor does. Use Lamont as an example of how following the letter of the Law can have disturbing and quite unsettling consequences! Thank you!)

Area Mayor Adopts New Town Personae To Help Attract Highly Competitive Pirate Tourist Dollars

The decidedly ocean-less Town of Lamont, long known as a place that no sane tourist would ever willingly go to unless running from the mafia, a mother-in-law or law enforcement itself, jumped with both feet into the highly volatile, some would say cut-throat, world of competing for the relatively small but fast growing market for pirate tourist dollars. "Well, let's be honest here! Beggars cannot be choosers! Arrrrgh!" said an area mayor whose pirate accent somehow sounds more like some dude from Russia or something than it does a real pirate, for Pete's sake. (Oh, how embarrassing!). "I mean, if we don't do something here to attract tourists, and quick, those doggone citizens are going to make me walk the plank or run me up the yardarm, whatever the heck that is! Sure, Lamont is 100 years old and we never managed to put in a public restroom, so that gives you an idea on the basic underlying organization and follow-thru skills that is inherent in the area population for miles around - but to expect miracles in a very short period of time, at least as it relates to tourist dollars, just seems a little unfair, that's all." he sniveled annoyingly.

"I mean, you would have thought that Chicken Little was finally set free and the sky was falling when we got a new dog ordinance. And then we got the water system with fire hydrants galore, which only people in and around Lamont would be against - then we paved roads, and oh, the wailing and gnashing of teeth that accompanied that was deafening - oh yeah, then we got the funding for the library and half the farmers/ranchers within 20 miles had a cow because this town don't need no fancy book learning. And then we modified any number of other antiquated processes and you would think that it was an alien invasion from 'War of the Worlds' or whatever. Believe me, never in the history of western civilization has a population been more adverse to change, but all of a sudden having everyone dress up as pirates so that we could attract a few doubloons of stolen Spanish gold was something that should have happened yesterday? That just seems a little insane to me, that's all. But, being the mayor, I guess we have ignored the will of the people long enough by bringing them kicking and screaming into the early 19th century - so maybe we should throw them a bone and bend to the fickle winds of the citizenry on this pirate thing. Who knows? I just wish there was some Mayor book or whatever. I have tried to talk to other mayors, but they either assume that I am kidding (or insane!) when I try to explain Lamont or they just begin loudly praising the Lord and thanking Him for the towns they serve - well, that is when they do not just hang up on me as soon as I introduce myself!" he expounded pathetically. "How can you be against pavement and libraries but for pirate tourists? Oh, why did I have to get the crazy town when they were handing out mayor assignments? Why couldn't I get one of those cool, hip, groovy towns like Fairfield or Tekoa? And the bad part is, that stupid Long Beach could probably pull off this whole pirate thing without making a fuss at all - given the fact that they have a real ocean and whatnot! Darn that fancy-pants Long Beach and their beady little eyes, too!" he whined, once again sounding more Russian than pirate. I mean, how do you confuse Russian with that whole pirate thing? Something is just really very wrong there!

Entire Town 'Gob Smacked' Upon Learning That Most Of Whitman County's Elective Management Team Will Likely Be Returning To Office!

As many if not most of you know, Whitman County, WA, a surprisingly large county nestled in the beautiful Palouse (But wedged up against Idaho! Hey, no one is perfect!) is one of the best managed and effective Counties in the entire civilized world. This County, although containing the lowly and largely fumbling Town of Lamont, is staffed with some of the most capable and, lets face it, some of the most downright awesome public servants ever to grace a County Courthouse - and thankfully for the citizenry of the County, it would appear that a vast majority of this so-called "A Team" will be running unopposed in the upcoming election in November!

"Well, I got my mail-in ballot in, of all places, the mailbox - and I have to admit that my hands were shaking a little as I opened up the dern thing!" said an area Mayor who hides a tremendous amount of his own professional (and truly shocking!) incompetence by relying on the excellent human resource pool maintained at the County seat in Colfax. "Anyway, as I scanned over the ballot, I realized that a vast majority of the key players who have helped pry Lamont out of the Dark Ages were, if you can believe it, running unopposed! Oh, I could not believe my eyes! First, Sheriff Myers, possibly the most effective law enforcement officer since Elliot Ness gave the mob a kidney punch before slapping on the cuffs or whatever is running unopposed - which is smart because anyone running against him would likely have been thrown into the electoral 'slammer' by the voters! Then I realized the humble yet amazingly effective County Treasurer, Bob Lothspeich, was unopposed, too! Oh, people don't think of County Treasurers much, but when you are math challenged like Lamont is, a man like that is a Godsend! And that 'can-do' County Prosecuting Attorney, Denis Tracy, you know, that awesome individual who helped Lamont with their code enforcement, is unopposed, too! And then I scanned down the ballot and realized that we would be retaining the energetic Michael Largent, the amazing Shirley Bafus, the awesome and versatile Joe Reynolds - and, although we have thankfully not had to call on his services lately, even the quite excellent County Coroner, Pete Martin, is unopposed! Whoa, talk about a dream team! Talk about excellence incarnate brought back to office to help the 2nd smallest town in the State (and smallest in the County!) somehow machete its way out of decades of backwardness and lethargy! Oh, who says our representative form of government doesn't work! Oh yeah, and to top it all off - that most special of electoral gifts was thrown in there, too! Yes, the most awesome State Representative of all time, the only woman we know who has the gumption and verve to actually stay in Lamont for hours on end - that universal role model of excellence - yes, Susan Fagan is unopposed too! How does life and government get any sweeter than that? Oh, things are really shaping up in the good old USA, if you ask me!" he gushed!

(Editorial Note: The only real issue that we at the Lamont Blog found with the ballot was the fact that Lamont's County Commissioner, Greg Partch, was not on there. Greg was obviously elected 2 years ago or something (with a 4 year term), but he does such a fine job in shepherding Lamont, like a patient kindergarten teacher with an unusually naughty 5-year-old, that he deserved to be voted for again, but his name was no where to be found! Somehow that just didn't seem right, that's all! Oh yeah, and we would have liked to have been able to vote for Century West Engineering, too! Sure, they are a corporation and all, but talk about being a key component to Lamont's overall success! Maybe during the next election we can somehow work them in there! They get my vote for best engineering outfit, anyway!)

Area Rancher Claims To Keep Hearing Something "Over Yonder!"

In a strange, sordid tale of mystery and intrigue, an area rancher, Bubba Bodine, 46, swears to everyone who will listen that regardless of where or when he goes out on the ranch, he keeps hearing some strange, almost indescribable noise somewhere just beyond the auditory horizon, whatever that means. These strange and suspect noises, ranging from a gentle rustle to the quite alarming clang of some war drum from the very pits of hell itself, appear to be heard by Mr. Bodine alone, because on the few occasions that someone was actually bored or crazy enough to venture out on the Bodine ranch with him, in every instance they claim in sworn testimony that they never heard anything and that in fact they believe that rancher Bodine is now and always has been crazy as a loon and that any noises that he supposedly hears are the figment of his quite fertile although twisted imagination - or quite possibly they are the pathetic cries for help from a tortured soul just not suited for the 20th century, let alone the 21st.

"Well, I had to go out to the Bodine spread to see if some of my cows somehow 'mysteriously' ended up in their pens again, as seems to happen just about this time of year for some dern reason - and anyway, we were headed down towards Cow Patty Gulch when he just started jabbering "Did you hear that? Did you hear that?" said Festus Festoon, an area fellow rancher and the unfortunate neighbor of the sticky-fingered Bodine brood. "Sure, I had been hitting the sauce that day, but that don't usually affect my hearing none - but I'll be dadburned if I heard a thing! All I could hear was the gentle rustle of the breeze and 'Old Lady Snopes' screeching at her pitiable husband from their ranch 5-6 miles away! Nothing out of the ordinary, as they say. But Buster got all panicked-looking and began frantically jerking his head back and forth like he was trying to tune in on the so-called noise - without much success I should add. I mean, I felt bad for the man. Sure, if I had to live his largely meaningless life and tend that worthless bunch of cows he has, I guess I might be inclined to try to spice up my life with imaginary noises and romantic interludes with the Sirens of the Palouse and all of that, but I'll be durned if it didn't give me the creeps having to watch it and all. That whole thing was just kinda spooky, if you ask me" he said pensively.

Mayor Signs Sweeping Emergency Decree Placing Entire Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) On Decaf

In a determined measure to curb the decidedly scatological and cantankerous energies of the area citizenry who seem hell-bent on getting into a snit for any dern reason whatsoever, an area Mayor, using a largely unknown clause in the now famous Homeland Security Act designed to deter terrorism and other acts of human foolishness, banned all coffee that packs a punch in a 20 mile radius of the Town, late Tuesday. This draconian measure, which even extends to Folgers brand coffee, a watery coffee blend with only the slightest hint of actual coffee flavor and aroma (and thus a big favorite around here!), has civil rights groups and donut eaters all up in arms for miles around, thus making them even more inclined to cause a 'redneck-like' ruckus at the drop of a hat, for Pete's sake!

"Well, Lamont is a powder keg at the best of times, but you get people from the outlying areas come traipsing in here when they have had too much time on their hands and combine those unholy energies with that serpent's tooth-like venom of the dreaded coffee bean and you have all the makings for the doggone 'Jerry Springer Show', for crying out loud!" said the perky elected official who somehow ended up as the mayor of a small, isolated hamlet right smack-dab in the middle of nowhere! (Or, as we like to optimistically think of it - right in the middle of everything!) "I mean, when you have a bunch of folks who are jittery and potentially unstable in the first place and you commingle a mild stimulant - well, all I can say is that is just a recipe for disaster, that's all! Whoa! Sure, that coffee ban does make waking up at 3:00 AM every day to begin my quite extensive and comprehensive mayoral duties a little challenging, but when you have the civic-minded orientation that I do and the undying love of the citizenry, that is as good as any double espresso I ever had! Sometimes government service is not only its own reward, but it can get the endorphins firing like a string of firecrackers, too!" he gushed.

"Well, that whole dern coffee thing is just a plain abuse of governmental power, if you ask me!" said Goober Snopes, an area farmer/rancher and a big fan of the Jerry Springer Show. "Heck, I know for a fact that in the Constitution or Magna Carta (pronounced 'Mag-ner Car-ter') or whatever that document is that tells us that we can just do any dern thing we want without fear of any consequences - that a man has the right to gulp down a pot or two and go disrupt just about anything that they dern well please! Weddings, baptisms, romantic dinners at a complete stranger's house, Lamont Town Hall Meetings, you name it! It don't matter what it is! I know I have the right to turn just about any gathering I attend into the Jerry Springer Show - and what's so bad about that, anyway? Jerry has helped a lot of people over the years! Sure, there is a lot of hair pulling, cussing, chair throwing, snarling and people bursting into tears left and right, but that is a small price to pay given all the lives he has changed and all the divorces he has helped bring about! The man is a doggone American icon, for crying out loud - so if I want to run around imitating the crowd and guests of such a great man, I just don't see why anyone would take exception to that. Plus, acting like an uncivilized maniac also allows me to skirt that whole 'responsibilities' part of being a citizen! That responsibility thing must have been some carry-over from those dern Redcoats or whoever it was that we took this stupid country from or whatever. What the heck did they know, anyway? And what grown man wears red, for Pete's sake? (Well, Santa does! So I guess it is coal in your stocking AGAIN this year!) This is America and I have the right to act uncouth and uncultured when and where I dern well please, and you just try to stop me!" he stammered triumphantly, somehow forgetting about that fine Whitman County Sheriff's Department!

(Editorial Note: Thankfully, this is not in fact true. Although the Town meeting has oftentimes come to loosely resemble the 'Jerry Springer Show' as of late, (although Jerry's people would more than likely turn down half the folks small towns potentially deal with because of their general unbelievability as 'real life' characters! Oh, were we only Mayberry, indeed!) a recent legal brief from the best small town lawyer in the State, Cindy McMullen, (Oh, do we ever love her!!!) in fact shed some light on the extensive powers of the town to throw the jabbering rabble-rousers and disruptive scoff-laws out of the assemblage (after due warning(s), of course!) at no legal risk to the Town - given the often under-appreciated and quite necessary "Open Public Meetings Act" that ensures public access to but not unsolicited public participation in these legally mandated meetings. Oh, when the law is on your side, it is sweet indeed! Now if we just had an official town dog who could unceremoniously drag the perps out by the trouser leg, that would just be too darn awesome! A Town can dream, can't it?) (And remember, before you go throwing folding chairs, your spouse and/or your toupee at the Lamont Blog, this is a parody, people! Any similarities between individuals described above and any real person who ever attended a Town meeting is marginally coincidental - but what man can tell what the future holds?! Stay tuned, folks! This could get interesting!! The natives are restless!)